"Easy come, easy go" has become my go-to phrase. Yup, you guessed it. As of lastnight, Justin has kicked rocks. See, that's the problem I seem to have, and in need of a remedy for it. Maybe someone, somewhere can riddle me this: why is it that when I was gung-ho about having a relationship, I seemed to constantly come in contact with comittment phoebs, but now that the roles have been reversed, everybody wants to settle down?! Can anyone answer that for me? Is that question even answerable? Seriously?! Where were these nowadays "noble" knights when I was standing in the castle window being Rupunzel? YES, I'm gun shy. How does the saying go, "once bitten, twice shy"? Double up on that "shy" for as many times as I've been bitten. My faithfuls, you're in for another long read, so you might as well get ready for it...
I have to rewind a bit before I go forward. Justin and I had the agreement that we were strictly fuck buddies. I didn't have a problem with it, and I assumed he didn't either, otherwise he wouldn't have agreed to the arrangement. Simple, I come pick you up (he's working on getting a ride), we hang out, you dick me down, I take you home. That was that. I'm guessing that somewhere along the line, our communication got crossed, because he started saying we were "dating", and I referred to us as "friends..with benefits". Somewhere along that same line, Justin started occassionally experiencing a few "issues" when it came time to do the do. Now, because he'd always been so good at delivery, the few times we'd experienced nondelivery, I was easy to dismiss it as him being tired from working so much. Don't think it didn't bother me a bit, though, in the aspect of wondering if he was losing attraction for me. He tried everything in his power to assure me that it's not me (so much so to where he ordered $120 worth of pills on the internet that he had delivered to my house), it's him, but like I explained to him, "put the shoe on the other foot, and tell me how you'd feel if you were doing everything you could, and I either couldn't get wet or couldn't cum...how would that make you feel?" That seemed to be our experience the last few times we attempted conjugation. I think I got part of my answer yesterday when he came over.
He was sitting on my couch, I walked up behind him to kiss him on the top of his head, and he was in the process of texting some other chick talking about possibly hanging out that day. What the FUCK?! Okay, now I'm well aware of the ethics in the "booty buddy" creed, but I found that to be a bit disrespectful, plus, I was trying to figure out how he was gonna manage to hang out with her if he was at my house, AND I was taking him to work lastnight. I got a bit peaved and told him if he wanted to go hang out with someone else, I had no problem taking him home so he could do that. Of course, that lead to his denial of that being anything other than a text and a friend, and doing everything he could to make sure I wasn't mad at him. I told him I didn't have anything to be mad about, and he told me that I didn't. I let it go.
He had no problem with delivery, although he came alot quicker than normal. He blamed it on us not having sex in over a week. Yeah. Okay. What the fuck ever. After we'd done our thing, and I was taking him to work, he, not we, had a nice little discussion. For once in history, I was quiet and just listened. He tells me that I'm confusing him because I say I don't want a relationship, yet he feels I'm treating him like a boyfriend. He may have had a point. I might have started crossing the line a little by buying him little "just because" things here and there, and being inwardly frustrated at the fact that he was dealing with other females (although I can NOT excuse him texting one from my house...this is MY house, and MY time! He can do that shit all he wants away from me!). I had alot to think about on my drive home. I'd been kind of sensing that I may have been getting a little too into him, something I forbid myself to do, 1, because of the age difference, and 2, because I just bought this house and can't just up and move to somewhere that he's allowed to live. Yeah, the state of Oklahoma is VERY strict on living arrangements for felons of his nature. That's as much as I'm going to say about his ordeal. All I know is I looked at it like this, he takes care of me, I take care of him, but maybe I was in violation of the code. Shit. Time to break away.
Later lastnight, I sent him a text telling him that he was right. I may have been sending mixed signals, but I'm just doing me. I apologized and told him he wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. He texts back asking if we could at least still be friends. Okay, in what sense of the word? He says whatever sense I want it to be. More thinking. Naa. I'll pass. If he's realized that I'm starting to get attached, then I need to break completely free. I send him a text telling him that when we met I didn't expect ANYTHING between us, especially after he got back together with his ex, but when we reconnected I had no expectations other than fucking, I still don't want a relationship, however, I didn't appreciate the disrespect yesterday. Then I asked him if he wanted things to continue the way they'd been going with me going back to the way I was, or if he just wants to cut out the fucking and just be friends. He text "I would like to be friends for now and not feel like we have to have sex whenever we hangout if that's ok with you?". The hell it is. If I'm not getting any dick from him, he serves me no purpose. I simply text back "ok". He text again asking if we will still hang out because he enjoys my company. I'm not responding. I'm not sure (or maybe I am) why he had a change of heart from our arrangement, but, oh well. He'll get the message.
And that is that for Justin's 15 minutes of fame in my life. Once again, I'm a SBFISO my next Lawrence. And in the mean time, my battery supply won't go low.
Now, I did warn you that this would be a rather long post, didn't I? That's because I have to take you back to visit yet ANOTHER situation.
Meet "Stan". He's one of Barbara's ex-boyfriends. You know that vindictive side of me that I mentioned like a long long time ago? Well, when Allen and I were dating, and Barbara was doing all that disrespectful shit, I took it upon myself to do a little internet research. Several hours and links later, I came across Stan's name as the boyfriend she was dealing with while she was hot on the trail of Allen. A few months after Allen and I broke up, I did me, went on Facebook, found Stan, and sent him a nice little message letting him know what a cunt his ex-girlfriend is. It took him 9 months to respond to me, but boy has this been an informative acquaintanceship. Come to find out, he and Barbara broke up shortly before/after (I can't remember which) Allen and I started dating, but he'd been pining over her for almost 2 years. I don't know why. The bitch is a beast...not in the good sense. Anyway, the little thoughts I had of more going on between Allen and Barbara than Allen would admit? Well, Stan confirmed for me that Barbara spent the Valentine's day in Nebraska when I was supposed to be there. SON OF A MUTHERFUCKER!!! I KNEW IT!! That lying, cheating, no good, dirty, sorry bastard!! Oh yeah. I threw a nice fit. I don't know what I was more pissed about, the fact that he'd been lying to and cheating on me all along, or the fact that I was stupid enough to ever try giving him the benefit of the doubt. Sorry, Mom's..I'm +1 now. Stan and I exchanged information for all that we knew, and I was able to draw my conclusion that I'm stupid as hell. One of these days, I'll listen to my dad. And my guy friends. And my cousin. And everyone else that saw how the flags were there all along, yet I chose to ignore them. Needless to say, the revelation GREATLY helped my healing process. Just for shits-n-giggles, after almost 3 months (I admit, I hadn't deleted Allen's number, and when I sent a mass text to people inviting them to come see my new house, he responded that he "can't make any promises, but congratulations, and if we can make it, we will". Who the fuck is "we"? I deleted him then..the trouble is, I'd memorized his number...shit) I sent Allen a text just saying "hi" and I hoped he was well. He responded 24 hours later saying he was doing very well, and he hoped I was too. Fuck him. I just wish there was a way to let his sorry ass know that I know about him. Not like it would matter to him, but I'd have the satisfaction of letting him know that I know. Him and his current ugly-ass girlfriend can have a nice life. That bitch is fucked up in the head, too. Any Facebookers know that when someone writes on or tags something to a friend's page, it shows in your stream, you can tell his stupid ass girlfriend ain't right in the head from some of the shit she posts to his wall, and some of the shit she links his name to. HA! I realized I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to ever be jealous of when it comes to THAT relationship. He definitely went down-hill with this one, cause she's fucked up ALL the way around, looks and all! He's a lying cheat, she's a stupid broad. Perfect couple, if you ask me. The sad part is this current girlfriend actually kinda resembles his ex-wife...if after she'd been beaten in the face with an ugly stick, rode hard, and put away wet. I'm no stark raving beauty, but, boy, I tell ya...this one's not cute AT ALL! And one last jab...I know that I have some issues, but this bitch is psychotic...I just seriously sense that about her. I've been tempted to see if I can check out her page and see if I can be proven right (surprise, surprise that I hadn't done it yet after all this time). Naa. It's not even worth it, my time is too valuable. And for some reason, I actually kinda don't really give a shit, either. I give him props, though. He's managed to drag this one out 8 or so months. Kudos to him. Ah, and I can tell that his family isn't crazy about her, either. One of his brothers-in-law posted something about people talking shit (not verbatum) on their page about people in his family and he didn't appreciate it. Well, when I went to his page, I noticed that where it says "so-and-so and so-and-so are now friends", her name was gone from that list. Hmmm. I wonder if it had anything to do with Allen's ex-wife, because she "liked" his status, and not long after, the girlfriend's name disappeared from Allen's daughter's page as well. She's not making a fan of the family. Maybe that's why he's posting stupid shit like "I miss my Queen" on his page with a :(. Strange. Nobody ever seems to "like" those status updates, yet he'll have lots of "likes" for everything else (even if he said "I've got to take a major shit" he'd probably get 15-20 "likes"). Funny that although the ex-wife and I had that brief situation, we were cool in the same environment. Just goes to prove my point.
I told you you should've been prepared to read. I know someone out there somewhere is enjoying reading about all my drama and thanking their lucky stars they're either NOT like me, or because they're JUST like me, can relate, and know they're not alone in the world...that's why i write about it. I've spent my morning on here, knowing that I worked all night lastnight, and I have to be up again in a few hours because I work both jobs today. I'm a bit tired, too. This shit with Justin, the fact that I'm coming to realize that I think I actually AM jaded, bitter, comittment phoebed...it's all really bullshit really. But you'll know, I'll be back soon with plenty more....Until then, my Faithfuls...
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Hello?? Is This Thing On??
Ahoy there, people of blogsville! So, the last 3 months have flown by, and I haven't kept you in the loop as to what's going on in the world of "R". My apologies for that, but rest assured, I shall bring you up to speed today, and condense 3 months worth of shit into 1 post. How you like that idea? Try to keep up, though, and make sure your reading eyes are on, because although I plan to make it short-n-to-the-point, there's still alot to cram in....So, ready?! Good, I hope so.
Okay, I've been in my new house going on 3 months now. Thankfully, I was able to bypass Mitch's original "beer & dinner" option for moving, and dished out $20 each and a few large pizzas to Ron and Daniel in exchange for their services. I'm truly grateful to the Higher Power for looking out for me on that one. He knew I didn't want to deal with Mitch, hell, I don't think I even necessarily want him to know where I live. Once the word got out that I was moving, Ron and Daniel both offered their services, free of charge, and although "free" was ideal, my ethics wouldn't let me take advantage of that, hence, the $20 to cover their gas and a mini pizza party. Moving didn't take long. I started on a Friday around noon, and was completely unpacked and settled in by that Sunday night. I love my house, my girls love their yard, and all is just gravy (with the exception that my hot water tank went out the other day and a plumber is on his way as I type to check it out...thank God for the 1 year warranty the previous owner paid for!). I'm still working 2 jobs, still trying to decide on new furniture (boy, furniture shopping is harder than I thought!), but broke down and bought a 37' flatscreen TV for my bedroom. I know, I know, all of the ranting I did about not keeping up with the times, and I caved. I have a very good reason for that, though. The picture rolled at the top of the screen on the TV that Eric had given me, so I put that TV in my 2nd bedroom..plus, there's alot more space in there for me to do my INSANITY (yes, I've gone there..well, went there...for a whole 4 days) workouts.
Okay, now to bring you up to speed on the real shit.
Remember Mr. "smells oh-so-damned-good" that I'd mentioned works at my 2nd job? Well, I determined he's not even attractive to me anymore. So, maybe I fudged the truth a little when I said I'd never let him touch this, because I would have turned his world out. Just because he smells good. And he's cute. However, I found out that he's never been with a black girl before, therefore, I don't have the time to school his stupid ass. And his attitude sucks. He's very cocky, and that, to me, is enough to shut up shop. So, he was "x"ed just as quickly as he was considered.
In the midst of this, a sexy someone walked into my 2nd job looking for one of the girls that works with me. "Damn" was all I thought. I can only describe him in 1 word: HOT. I had no clue who this sexiness was that was asking for my co-worker, but I made no secret of asking her, right in front of him. Turns out, he was her brother! We'll call him "Brent". I guess Brent was a little surprised at my boldness, but he smiled at me the whole time, and confirmed that my co-worker was just his sister. He also made it a point of letting me know that he noticed me noticing him. Oh, well, I'm not shy about it. Shortly after he left, my co-worker got a text from him saying "your co-worker is cute". That was all I needed to get the ball rolling. I had her text him my number.
It took Brent 2 days to contact me, but when he did, we hit it off amazingly. I had to go there and ask how old he was, though. If you thought I had a problem with mine and Lawrence's 6 year age difference, Brent is 7 years younger. Shit. He looks my age. Why can't I find a guy closer to my age?! Oh, well. He said he didn't have a problem with the age difference, but, here we go again with being unfamiliar with black girls. Am I the singled out guinea pig for this sort of shit?? Really?! The difference between Brent and Mr. "smells-so-damned-good", though, is Brent is classified as "sexy". "Smells good" is just cute. And very skinny. Brent is more on my level when it comes to attitude and way of thinking. At least I thought he was. We spent almost 3 weeks constantly talking and texting (don't worry, Sven got his time in there, too), and couldn't wait for both our schedules to allow us to finally hang out with each other. The only problem was I sorta knew in the back of my mind that this wouldn't escalate to anything beyond him possibly being my next Lawrence. Turns out, Brent had just gotten out of jail for a felony a few weeks before we met. I won't elaborate on it, but let's just say, his future is pretty much fucked for quite a few years, and I've got too much to lose. He damned sure would've made a hell of a lover, though. I'd told him pretty much from the beginning that I wasn't looking for anything serious, and he said that he wasn't either, but we agreed that we could surely have fun together.
The thing that fucked him was the day we'd finally arranged to be able to get together, we were supposed to do lunch, hit a movie, then a hockey game, and the rest we'd play by ear. We'd been planning it for over a week. The day before we were to hang out, he told me that he'd be helping his dad work on a car that next morning, but would call me when he was done. I told him I would schedule the movie around that time. That day came and went. The next day came and went. 3 days after we were supposed to hang out, I sent him a 1 word text: "WOW". That was all I could say. I hadn't bothered to contact him before, because what I've finally let sink in and come to terms with is if a man wants to deal with me, he will. I don't have to chase him down no matter how bad I want to fuck him. Sorry Ass didn't even respond to that text. I waited another day and sent him a text telling him that if he'd changed his mind about hanging out all he had to do was tell me, but his silence wasn't cool, I thought he was better than that. He responded to that text telling me that he waited for me to contact him, but it was whatever. How the fuck was he waiting for me when the agreement was for him to call me when he was done working on the car? and I asked him that. Didn't hear from him anymore. But I did see on his Facebook page a little over a week later that he was "in a relationship" with some other girl. That explained it. When, where, and how this chick came on the scene is beyond me, but, oh well. I deleted his number.
So, there I was again. Sven never let me down. As a matter of fact, I started missing him a little more, and wishing that he lived closer. A little after I'd sworn off Brent, lo-and-behold, I get a text from a local number:
"I hope you're doing ok. I'm sorry for the way things happened and I don't blame you if you don't respond to this and never want to speak to me again. Me and my girlfriend broke up, and I just wanted to know if me and you could at least be friends"
I had to laugh. I knew who it was, but I wanted to play with him just the way he tried to play me.
Me: Okay, who is this?
Him: Justin
Me: Oh, well I'm sorry to hear about your break up
Justin: It was for the best. I got tired of her shit. So I guess you don't mind talking to me again?
Do I, don't I. Hell, I'm fucking horny. I haven't had any dick since February, and this "toy" shit is getting old. Right now, I'm not worried about a 10 year age difference.
Me: I guess not
Justin: Thank you. We never should have stopped talking
Me: Whatever. What's up?
Justin: Hey, you still want to take me up on that dinner and movie?
Me: Maybe. I'll let you know when I can
Justin: Ok. Let me know when you have time. You not mad at me?
Me: Never was mad, and I'll let you know
Justin: Ok. I'm looking forward to it
I was fucking him a few days later. We never did do the whole "dinner" thing. It was a movie, the pool hall, the corner store (for some condoms), then my house. It's amazing how much alcohol can make you release inhibitions. I made it clear to him again that I didn't want a relationship, I just wanted a cool "buddy". We'd had that conversation before when we first met, and he agreed that that's all we'd have. I have to give it to him, although he's insecure about his size and his abilities (he's expressed to me that he is), he's yet to disappoint me.
It's been told to me that I'd better be careful, because although he and I both said we didn't want relationships, his constant texting and always wanting to be around me, and getting offended when I'd rather hang out with my other friends sometimes (I've managed to squeeze in a few movie dates with one of my female friends), and wanting me to go to Arkansas with him to meet his family, could be saying different. I don't know. I'm not a man to figure out the male psyche like that. All I know is what he said. He could just be sprung. I only get to see him once or twice a week because we have polar work schedules, but when I need him to deliver, he'll put his sleep on hold to come through for me. I appreciate that in him. I appreciate that he appreciates what he's getting from me.
Justin's come a long way in the couple of months that we've been hanging out. He made me feel good the other day when he told me that I'm turning him into a "man". What he means is because I enforce him opening doors for me, I let him take the upper hand when going somewhere, taught him how to balance his checkbook, I talk to him and not at him, and I don't act all silly and air-headed like the females he's used to dealing with. Don't get me wrong, we have loads of fun together, like going to Walmart's toy department and throwing a frisbee around, or seeing who can tickle each other the most...we have our fun times, but I'm glad he realizes I'm not just "some broad" he's knocking off..I'm a lady and to be respected as such. He does a very good job of it. See, just from him telling me that, I realized that he was looking for a mother figure. As I'd said before, according to him, his mother basically just kept a roof over his and his sibling's heads, and kept food in their mouths. Life's lessons, he's having to learn on his own. The lesson that landed him in jail was the hardest.
I don't know how long Justin's and my fling will last, but I'm enjoying it while it is. Lawrence's shoes have been filled for the time being, but nobody will ever be Lawrence. Justin comes damned close, but that was an indescribable period in my life that may never be duplicated. Of course, there are several times that I pray won't ever be duplicated, but I just live one day at a time, and take it as such.
Sven is doing well. We still have our pretty much daily conversations. Unfortunately, they're not as long as they once were, but I attribute that to the fact that one or both of us is always needing to get some sleep. He's been out here to see my house since I moved in, and he likes it. I won't deny that I still have feelings for him. How can I not? The man is attentive to me mentally and emotionally. I'm still not sure where our road is heading, either. Once again, I'm just taking one day at a time.
I've been contemplating if I'm ready for a serious relationship again. A few co-workers at my 2nd job and I were discussing that very topic the other day. I'm still leery, because I can't shake the thought that I'm always the one that walks away wounded, and I don't quite know if I'm ready to put myself out there for that to happen again. I mean, don't get me wrong, the thought of being with someone, just me and them, is beyond wonderful, but at this point, is that what I really want right now? Am I ready for that again? Or am I just in love with the thought of having that? Still something I'm trying to figure out, and I guess until I'm able to answer that question with a firm "yes", I guess that means I'm not. Seriously, though, with the way I work, I don't know where I'd find the time to try and make a relationship work. Right now, I wouldn't be able to spend as much quality time with my man as I'd want to, and that can be very taxing.
I don't know. All I do know is that my dogs are worn out from barking at the plumber, my hot water tank is working again (it was just a bad thermal couple (?) that he had to replace..that was fast), and I'm about to go take a hot shower...
Okay, I've been in my new house going on 3 months now. Thankfully, I was able to bypass Mitch's original "beer & dinner" option for moving, and dished out $20 each and a few large pizzas to Ron and Daniel in exchange for their services. I'm truly grateful to the Higher Power for looking out for me on that one. He knew I didn't want to deal with Mitch, hell, I don't think I even necessarily want him to know where I live. Once the word got out that I was moving, Ron and Daniel both offered their services, free of charge, and although "free" was ideal, my ethics wouldn't let me take advantage of that, hence, the $20 to cover their gas and a mini pizza party. Moving didn't take long. I started on a Friday around noon, and was completely unpacked and settled in by that Sunday night. I love my house, my girls love their yard, and all is just gravy (with the exception that my hot water tank went out the other day and a plumber is on his way as I type to check it out...thank God for the 1 year warranty the previous owner paid for!). I'm still working 2 jobs, still trying to decide on new furniture (boy, furniture shopping is harder than I thought!), but broke down and bought a 37' flatscreen TV for my bedroom. I know, I know, all of the ranting I did about not keeping up with the times, and I caved. I have a very good reason for that, though. The picture rolled at the top of the screen on the TV that Eric had given me, so I put that TV in my 2nd bedroom..plus, there's alot more space in there for me to do my INSANITY (yes, I've gone there..well, went there...for a whole 4 days) workouts.
Okay, now to bring you up to speed on the real shit.
Remember Mr. "smells oh-so-damned-good" that I'd mentioned works at my 2nd job? Well, I determined he's not even attractive to me anymore. So, maybe I fudged the truth a little when I said I'd never let him touch this, because I would have turned his world out. Just because he smells good. And he's cute. However, I found out that he's never been with a black girl before, therefore, I don't have the time to school his stupid ass. And his attitude sucks. He's very cocky, and that, to me, is enough to shut up shop. So, he was "x"ed just as quickly as he was considered.
In the midst of this, a sexy someone walked into my 2nd job looking for one of the girls that works with me. "Damn" was all I thought. I can only describe him in 1 word: HOT. I had no clue who this sexiness was that was asking for my co-worker, but I made no secret of asking her, right in front of him. Turns out, he was her brother! We'll call him "Brent". I guess Brent was a little surprised at my boldness, but he smiled at me the whole time, and confirmed that my co-worker was just his sister. He also made it a point of letting me know that he noticed me noticing him. Oh, well, I'm not shy about it. Shortly after he left, my co-worker got a text from him saying "your co-worker is cute". That was all I needed to get the ball rolling. I had her text him my number.
It took Brent 2 days to contact me, but when he did, we hit it off amazingly. I had to go there and ask how old he was, though. If you thought I had a problem with mine and Lawrence's 6 year age difference, Brent is 7 years younger. Shit. He looks my age. Why can't I find a guy closer to my age?! Oh, well. He said he didn't have a problem with the age difference, but, here we go again with being unfamiliar with black girls. Am I the singled out guinea pig for this sort of shit?? Really?! The difference between Brent and Mr. "smells-so-damned-good", though, is Brent is classified as "sexy". "Smells good" is just cute. And very skinny. Brent is more on my level when it comes to attitude and way of thinking. At least I thought he was. We spent almost 3 weeks constantly talking and texting (don't worry, Sven got his time in there, too), and couldn't wait for both our schedules to allow us to finally hang out with each other. The only problem was I sorta knew in the back of my mind that this wouldn't escalate to anything beyond him possibly being my next Lawrence. Turns out, Brent had just gotten out of jail for a felony a few weeks before we met. I won't elaborate on it, but let's just say, his future is pretty much fucked for quite a few years, and I've got too much to lose. He damned sure would've made a hell of a lover, though. I'd told him pretty much from the beginning that I wasn't looking for anything serious, and he said that he wasn't either, but we agreed that we could surely have fun together.
The thing that fucked him was the day we'd finally arranged to be able to get together, we were supposed to do lunch, hit a movie, then a hockey game, and the rest we'd play by ear. We'd been planning it for over a week. The day before we were to hang out, he told me that he'd be helping his dad work on a car that next morning, but would call me when he was done. I told him I would schedule the movie around that time. That day came and went. The next day came and went. 3 days after we were supposed to hang out, I sent him a 1 word text: "WOW". That was all I could say. I hadn't bothered to contact him before, because what I've finally let sink in and come to terms with is if a man wants to deal with me, he will. I don't have to chase him down no matter how bad I want to fuck him. Sorry Ass didn't even respond to that text. I waited another day and sent him a text telling him that if he'd changed his mind about hanging out all he had to do was tell me, but his silence wasn't cool, I thought he was better than that. He responded to that text telling me that he waited for me to contact him, but it was whatever. How the fuck was he waiting for me when the agreement was for him to call me when he was done working on the car? and I asked him that. Didn't hear from him anymore. But I did see on his Facebook page a little over a week later that he was "in a relationship" with some other girl. That explained it. When, where, and how this chick came on the scene is beyond me, but, oh well. I deleted his number.
So, there I was again. Sven never let me down. As a matter of fact, I started missing him a little more, and wishing that he lived closer. A little after I'd sworn off Brent, lo-and-behold, I get a text from a local number:
"I hope you're doing ok. I'm sorry for the way things happened and I don't blame you if you don't respond to this and never want to speak to me again. Me and my girlfriend broke up, and I just wanted to know if me and you could at least be friends"
I had to laugh. I knew who it was, but I wanted to play with him just the way he tried to play me.
Me: Okay, who is this?
Him: Justin
Me: Oh, well I'm sorry to hear about your break up
Justin: It was for the best. I got tired of her shit. So I guess you don't mind talking to me again?
Do I, don't I. Hell, I'm fucking horny. I haven't had any dick since February, and this "toy" shit is getting old. Right now, I'm not worried about a 10 year age difference.
Me: I guess not
Justin: Thank you. We never should have stopped talking
Me: Whatever. What's up?
Justin: Hey, you still want to take me up on that dinner and movie?
Me: Maybe. I'll let you know when I can
Justin: Ok. Let me know when you have time. You not mad at me?
Me: Never was mad, and I'll let you know
Justin: Ok. I'm looking forward to it
I was fucking him a few days later. We never did do the whole "dinner" thing. It was a movie, the pool hall, the corner store (for some condoms), then my house. It's amazing how much alcohol can make you release inhibitions. I made it clear to him again that I didn't want a relationship, I just wanted a cool "buddy". We'd had that conversation before when we first met, and he agreed that that's all we'd have. I have to give it to him, although he's insecure about his size and his abilities (he's expressed to me that he is), he's yet to disappoint me.
It's been told to me that I'd better be careful, because although he and I both said we didn't want relationships, his constant texting and always wanting to be around me, and getting offended when I'd rather hang out with my other friends sometimes (I've managed to squeeze in a few movie dates with one of my female friends), and wanting me to go to Arkansas with him to meet his family, could be saying different. I don't know. I'm not a man to figure out the male psyche like that. All I know is what he said. He could just be sprung. I only get to see him once or twice a week because we have polar work schedules, but when I need him to deliver, he'll put his sleep on hold to come through for me. I appreciate that in him. I appreciate that he appreciates what he's getting from me.
Justin's come a long way in the couple of months that we've been hanging out. He made me feel good the other day when he told me that I'm turning him into a "man". What he means is because I enforce him opening doors for me, I let him take the upper hand when going somewhere, taught him how to balance his checkbook, I talk to him and not at him, and I don't act all silly and air-headed like the females he's used to dealing with. Don't get me wrong, we have loads of fun together, like going to Walmart's toy department and throwing a frisbee around, or seeing who can tickle each other the most...we have our fun times, but I'm glad he realizes I'm not just "some broad" he's knocking off..I'm a lady and to be respected as such. He does a very good job of it. See, just from him telling me that, I realized that he was looking for a mother figure. As I'd said before, according to him, his mother basically just kept a roof over his and his sibling's heads, and kept food in their mouths. Life's lessons, he's having to learn on his own. The lesson that landed him in jail was the hardest.
I don't know how long Justin's and my fling will last, but I'm enjoying it while it is. Lawrence's shoes have been filled for the time being, but nobody will ever be Lawrence. Justin comes damned close, but that was an indescribable period in my life that may never be duplicated. Of course, there are several times that I pray won't ever be duplicated, but I just live one day at a time, and take it as such.
Sven is doing well. We still have our pretty much daily conversations. Unfortunately, they're not as long as they once were, but I attribute that to the fact that one or both of us is always needing to get some sleep. He's been out here to see my house since I moved in, and he likes it. I won't deny that I still have feelings for him. How can I not? The man is attentive to me mentally and emotionally. I'm still not sure where our road is heading, either. Once again, I'm just taking one day at a time.
I've been contemplating if I'm ready for a serious relationship again. A few co-workers at my 2nd job and I were discussing that very topic the other day. I'm still leery, because I can't shake the thought that I'm always the one that walks away wounded, and I don't quite know if I'm ready to put myself out there for that to happen again. I mean, don't get me wrong, the thought of being with someone, just me and them, is beyond wonderful, but at this point, is that what I really want right now? Am I ready for that again? Or am I just in love with the thought of having that? Still something I'm trying to figure out, and I guess until I'm able to answer that question with a firm "yes", I guess that means I'm not. Seriously, though, with the way I work, I don't know where I'd find the time to try and make a relationship work. Right now, I wouldn't be able to spend as much quality time with my man as I'd want to, and that can be very taxing.
I don't know. All I do know is that my dogs are worn out from barking at the plumber, my hot water tank is working again (it was just a bad thermal couple (?) that he had to replace..that was fast), and I'm about to go take a hot shower...
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