Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Dont' Talk...Just Listen...

"Have you been on Allen's Facebook page lately?" Text from my sister, Nikki.

"No. Why? What's up?"

"Uhm, you should really be a little more observant. All I'm gonna say is either check your newsfeed stream, or go to his page. LOL"

Okay, my curiosity is piqued now. I logged into Facebook from my phone, and sure enough, in my newsfeed stream of updates, there's what she obviously thought I should see:

Relationship Status: ENGAGED

I fell out laughing. Really, now?! Wow. That's all I could say. I sat and waited for whatever emotions that would come, but shockingly, none did. I waited, and waited. What I was waiting for, I'm not sure, but I thought by staring at that, tears or hurt or something would set in. Nothing. A twinge of irritation did occur in the aspect of "damn, it hasn't been that overly long ago that he and I were together, and he's been in another relationship since us, and now, I guess 3rd times a charm...all in less than 1 1/2 years." I think I kinda felt sorry for him at that point. The fact that, according to an inside source that knows him and his now "fiance", they are perfect together. I was right about my observations of her, just based on her posts and tags to his page. She has serious mental issues. He, which is ever more clear at this point, obviously has them, too. Any man that would commit to a girl with her mental status, that young, with that many kids (which, again, according to the source) that she doesn't have custody of (all of them..for whatever reasons), can't be completely well in the head. He doesn't want to be "fixed", she can't be "fixed". And to boot, the fact that I saw this coming. Wasn't sure when, but I "felt" it. Allen was one of the guys that I text regarding potentially fathering my child, and when I sent the text, I included the words "if you need to discuss this with your wife, please do". (Note: his response was that "the three of us would need to discuss this"). Coincidence at its finest that this status change occurred within 2 months of that text to him. Actually, it wouldn't surprise me if they're already married and just going through a slow motion process of letting people know, because I did notice that he changed his place of residence to her town. That was a couple of months ago. When I told my mom about his status change, she laughed. What is it about this situation that's got everyone laughing?! Maybe because I know, through his family, that she's not very well liked by them. They merely tolerate her because they love him, but there's no particular care for her. Allen's daughter can't stand her. The ex-wife can't stand her. What's even more funny is the fact that his family wasn't all that crazy about the ex-wife, but, they side more with her than they'll give credit to this girl. The ex-wife and I were at least civil with each other, and from what I hear, there's been MAJOR conflict between this nut-case and the ex-wife. Hm. Wonder who'd win a bout in the ring?! No matter what my personal feelings were pertaining to Allen's ex, I'd never voice them, because of the way I felt about him, and due to the fact that no matter what, she's the mother of his children, he was married to her, and if I bashed her, that would've been indirectly speaking against him and his children. I'm not stupid enough to do that. Especially in a public way. Karma has a way of finding you, no matter how hard you try to avoid it, and it's funny that a Facebook friend of mine recently posted a picture that said "bad karma: the girl he's with now". Irony that I saw that post the same day that I saw his status change? I think not. There have been several "congratulations" expressed on his page about the engagement announcement, lots of "likes" on the status change, and out of curiosity, I browsed through just to see how many of them were from people that I knew and dealt with when he and I were together. 2 names that I recognized. Jackie was one, but she doesn't count, because you know my feelings towards her..those, I publicly voice. The other from a teen-age girl that doesn't know any better. If there were others, I don't recall or recognize them by name (shit, I met too many people), so I don't care. Also according to the source, my standards were too high, in the way that I wanted better for and from him. Again, he doesn't want to be "fixed", and apparently he's safe with her since she's so fucked up herself. Oh, well. More power to Allen and "nut-job". You remember I'd stated in one of my previous posts that I have absolutely NOTHING to be jealous of when it came to this? The source, and that picture post confirm it. I didn't want to see it then, but it's screamingly clear now. In other words, I dodged a bullet.

Don't think I'm in any way trying to say that I'm "normal" by "society's" standards. I've never thought myself to be issue free, ever, because I know I've got some...hell, EVERYONE has some sort of issues, there are just some people's who run a hell of a lot deeper than others. Such is the case with this situation. Again, more power.

Speaking of issues. When it came to Red, I realized that I was falling for the "ideal" situation..the way I envision things to be..not him necessarily. That's why the relation between him and Allen seemed so strong. I also realized that's why I had such a hard time letting go of Allen. It wasn't necessarily him, but I fell in love with the way he started off treating me, like a queen. So, by the time his true colors shown through, he'd already got me..hook, line, and sinker. My cousin and I were discussing that situation, and thankfully, I've become more open to seeing things for how they really are; stopped being in denial. She asked me just what it was that I was so in love with about Allen. You know, I honestly couldn't name a damned thing?! I tried to refute her.

Me: He'd drive over 6 hours to see me

Coco: So? And compare how many times he came to see you to how many times you drove to see him

Damn. I can't.

Me: Well, he sent me "just because" cards, told me that he loved me, and called me his queen

Coco: So? He also STOPPED sending you cards, reneged on that "I love you", and called you his queen "in training"

Shit. There's got to be something I can say in his defense.

Me: Okay, well, he took me around his family and friends and told everyone that I was his woman

Coco: Girl, you act like no other guy has done that shit! Hell, your baby's daddy took you to meet his momma the 2nd time y'all went out, and bought you a puppy when you lost the baby! Look, cousin, like I always tell you, I love you, so I'm gonna give it to you straight, AGAIN. That man didn't do anything for you that no other man hasn't done in the past. Yeah, he may have shown a little more effort at first by the length of the drive coming to see you, but what the fuck did he REALLY do that was so significant that you haven't seen before? Did he pay any of your bills? Don't even answer that cause I already know. Not that you wanted or needed his money, but what the fuck could he do for you besides dick you down? Did he do anything..I mean ANYTHING at all so different from any other man? The only difference is it took longer for his true colors to shine than it did the rest of them. He camouflaged a lot longer, which got you hooked. Junior did that shit, the Captain did that shit. Hell, a step further, the Captain and Junior bought you shit AND gave you money! Even Sven did the same exact shit by driving to see you! Shit, he drove further and came to see you more than Allen did. Now compare that to how many times you drove to New Mexico. Shall I keep naming and going?

Me: No. I got it.

Coco: I understand, Cousin. Trust me, I do. I'm just trying to get YOU to see that Allen was just like all the rest of them. The difference is you were extremely vulnerable at that time, you dropped your guard WAY down, and you got comfortable with his family quicker. What else? If you want to drawl over a man, make it one that's actually doing something for you, and CAN do something for you, not one that can't even do shit for himself. Damn. You didn't even trip over the Captain this damned long. I guess what it is is after Allen, you kinda built that emotional wall again. I'll be the first to tell you to be careful and keep your guard up, but don't push the right man away instantaneously because your emotions are so damaged that you wouldn't recognize him if he fell out of the sky. You need time to heal, and I applaud you for finally taking time to do that. You'll know when you're ready, though. Maybe you are growing up..haha. Maybe if you'd taken my advice a long time ago like you're doing now and just find some dick without trying to commit to it, you wouldn't be in this predicament. Fuck it, then send it on its way. 

I give up. Once again, it took her coming through raw to make me realize. She'd tried talking to me the day I drove to Nebraska when Allen broke up with me by text, but then, I wasn't trying to hear it. I wasn't trying to hear it from anyone. Now, my head is on a little straighter, my perspective has gotten a little more on track. She's right. What the fuck did he do that was so significant? Like she said, it just took longer than the others for his true colors to shine through, and I was completely hooked by the time they did. Hell, Allen didn't even really want a black girl. I was an experiment. Why, I may never know, but reality sank in. After all of my intuition, all of the revelations, and after all is said and done, I was just another notch on his belt. I was dealing with a real life Charlie Harper (from Two and a half Men).

Mind you, this conversation with Coco transpired not long after I had the first conversations with Barbara's ex, who, speaking of, appears to be moving forward himself. I'm happy for him. Better late than never for both of us.

I will know when I'm ready again. It may take a while longer than I'd hope, but, I must pat myself on the back for the progress I've made this far.

While I'm on the note of "knowing", I'd like to introduce "Ted". In my own credit, the age gap is a lot less. This one's only 4 years younger. Yes, of course I met him at work. His mother had just gotten out of the Emergency Room (haha..I've already met momma..very nice lady! that hurdle's already been jumped), and he and his older brother had brought her to pick up some medicine. Tall, nice "country boy" built, nicely trimmed goatee, dark-haired, green eyed sexiness. His brother wasn't bad looking, either, but I took immediate notice of Ted when I spoke and he smiled. His brother had gone back to the car with their mother, while Ted waited inside for her prescriptions. He also just so happened to be wearing a Longhorns t-shirt. Conversation starter since I'm from Texas..and a conversation that led to information exchange. Long story made short, he's now on my Facebook page. We haven't gone out yet, and communication has been sparse so far, but I'm not worried. His mom's been back in the hospital since that next night, and I've learned that a lot of men aren't good at juggling things like that with personal affairs. Supposedly they were having a hard time figuring out what was wrong with his mom before finally diagnosing her with a severely advanced case of pneumonia. Explains how she wound up back in the hospital the same day we met. He's very close to his mom and has pretty much been at the hospital all the time (seems he only leaves to shower and get something to eat), so I've told him there's no pressure to communicate with me at this moment. I understand that their focus is on trying to get moms all better, but when she's in the clear, back home, and doing better, then we'll see where this could lead. He's been keeping me, and people on Facebook, updated on her status, and all I can do is keep my fingers crossed that she'll pull through alright. Yeah, I think I prefer him concentrate on her and not on me right now. I'll be here, but she's not necessarily young, and pneumonia is no joke.

Little by little, I'm learning. No advancement on the decision with the Artificial Insemination, yet...but then again, I may not even wound up going that route. I'll see. You'll see. We'll all see together....





Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Mind Over Matter

I may not have much, but what I do have, I've worked hard for, and I'm proud of. As I stated in my previous post, I've reconsidered pro-creating, and the reasons for that, I'll explain more later.

Trent is so outta there...before he was even in. He's an ass, just as I concluded from our initial, and mostly only, constant text session. We text back and forth for a bit, brief and far between, but as stated, he bored me, and his mentality is not up to par with the standards that I've set, even for a fuck buddy. First of all, what man, emphasis on the word "man", doesn't eat pussy?! REALLY?! His version of fun is getting a blow job, and putting the dick on a girl. Yeah. Like that's fair or completely fun. Let me clarify my stance on it. I am a major fan of being fucked, and I'd much rather have the dick run deep in me, but every now and then, I do want my pussy ate. I mean, if I'm gonna be hooking you up, especially on a regular basis, isn't it only right and fair that I be hooked up sometimes, too?! He didn't see it that way, and when I told him that I can't see giving him bjs all the time without some initiative on the return, that kinda soured both our moods on each other. He said he would, IF he was asked, but I shouldn't have to ASK him to eat my pussy..shouldn't that just be a part of the foreplay every now and then? I know some guys who just LOVE to eat the pussy, and to those, I'm most gracious, even though I have to tell them "okay, now fuck me...I wanna feel that dick". Getting my pussy ate (and sucking on my nipples), something about the vibration on the clit, gets my motor going, and gets me wetter than shit, so by the time I'm running like Niagra Falls, I'm ready to straight pound it out..no more games, or "play", after that. Just FUCK me. After I've gotten about 3 or 4 nuts in a row (hey, if you know what spot to aim for, they're not hard to get out of me...quickly), sometimes more, you'd better get yours, because by then I'll start drying up, and I'm ready to turn over and fall asleep. Yeah, something like a man in that aspect. Give me a few to recoop and regroup, and I'll be ready again.

Either way, I'm better off. Trent did me the favor by sparing my time, as I told him to do..my words "if this isn't something that you'll be in full-throttle with, then let me know now, to save both of us the wasted time", and that's exactly what his actions portrayed (sp? they've removed "spell check" from this damned thing). No harm, no foul. Thanks, Trent.

Red finally moved. I was sad to see him go, but I know it was for the best. He had text me the day that he left, but I never responded. I didn't want to. At that point, cut-and-dry was my figurative action. I figured out what my "could-have-been" attachment was to him, and I instantly despised it. Despite the age difference, which I had to insert-foot-in-mouth after talking about Justin and his ex being so far apart in age, I could have easily fallen for Red. That's why I'm glad he moved. The reason I say that is because, after careful thought, wonder, and consideration as to "what", "why", and "how", I realized that he reminds me of a younger, slightly shorter version of Allen. Everything from the first meeting, to the first "magical" night, to his demeanor, to keeping in touch with me, to keeping a smile on my face, to the way he looks at me, to his touch, to the possibly last "magical" night. Allen. That's where my despise comes into play. He may not be as good in bed as Allen was, and I charge that to lack of experience, and may not be working with as much "hardware"-wise, but he damned sure isn't missing any other beats. When I discussed this with my mother, her very wise words to me were "well, if you feel you need to dismiss him from your life because of that, then you do what you feel is necessary, otherwise, I don't see a problem with dealing with him". Geeze, thanks, Mom. You've made it easy for me.

I did miss Red, and finally gave in to texting him after a couple of weeks, just to see how he was doing. He responded that he's not liking it in Texas, and found out he's being relocated to Arizona as a plant Foreman. Great. Even more distance between us. BUT, he was also coming home to Oklahoma for a bit before he went west, and wanted to see me. Better judgement said "no", but my body, and my emotions said "yes". Being that it had been a couple of weeks since we'd seen each other, there was alot to making up for to do. And making up for, we did. The sound of his voice (deep and country), the feel of his rugged hands, the sensuous way in which he handled my body, the gentleness of his lips as they caressed me, the feel of that hard dick that sprung up just from us looking at each other, and before I even touched him....FANTASY ISLAND!! And for the moment, I was that princess again. From the bed, to the shower, to the bed again, he knew what he was doing. "Please leave Oklahoma, Red! You're not good for me" is all I could think. This boy is gonna send me bat-shit insane! I can't allow that emotional attachment to come into play with him. This is wrong on so many levels! And the saddest part, when I looked at him once, I caught a glimpse of Allen. SON OF A BITCH!!! THIS is NOT HAPPENING!! Fuck, Fuck, FUCK!! Why am I being punished like this?! The year plus that it took trying to get over Allen, didn't I suffer enough?! And now that I considered myself emotionally ridded of him, a fucking mental-double of him enters my life! Is this some sort of "sign" to me or something? And if so, what the fuck is it a "sign" of? I mean, what did I do to deserve this torture? WHAT DID I DO??!!

Think, R, think. How else do you rid yourself of thoughts and feelings that you don't want to be bothered with?

Justin.

I know. That's very wrong of me, but that was the only way to free myself at the moment. No one or nothing else, except maybe hitting the bottle hard, could help. His birthday was coming up, and he'd been pestering me about spending it with me, so why not oblige.

I decided to take the stab at it, and at least try to get around all of this mass confusion going on in my head. I treated Justin to dinner for his birthday, then we spent a few hours in PetSmart (he adopted a kitten), then we hit a pool hall. I had to be fucked up in the head, for real, because I suck at pool, but my game was on point that night. I have no idea how that happened. We were both getting intoxicated (I stopped after 3 budlight limes since I was the desi, of course), and he was trying hard to get back to my house, but something just wouldn't let me do it. Damn. I took his tipsy ass home after hitting IHOP once the pool hall closed.

Moment after moment, I'm thinking about Red, but proud of myself for not giving in to texting him. His texts telling me how he missed me didn't help, either. Go away, Red! This isn't right. This isn't right. I need to fuck something. Days later, I finally gave in to Justin's constant pleas to hang out. Not only did we experience the brief bout of "issues", but once he did get on track, I still wasn't feeling it. He even ate my pussy for the very first time. He was better off not doing it, because he has absolutely NO clue as to what he's doing, and I think that pissed me off even more. We even went a few rounds, but shockingly, as much as I used to cum for him, I only managed MAYBE 2 nuts the whole night, and those were forced, because I needed some release.

*INSERT WITTY SCRIPT HERE: During Justin's and my "romp", I asked him "you knew what it was going to take to get me back to the way I used to be with you, huh? You figure, you put this dick on me, and you can get whatever you want out of me, huh?" His response: "Uh-huh". Fucker.*

So, here I am, dazed and confused yet again. Really, I like Red, but he's just too damned young for me. There's no future in that, and I know it. So why is my head wanting to wrap around some form of that idea? I can't even say it's my heart. Or maybe my heart AND head are both in love with the idea of someone more age appropriate being this way towards me to the point where I'm confusing it with a cradle-rob, and willing to accept that for the time being. It's like a romance novel gone bad. And I'm the lead character.

Arizona is much farther from Suburbia than where Red was in Texas. Maybe now, things can get back to (my version of) normal with me, and even though we may still keep in touch every so often, the feel of him will dissipate sooner than later. I just hope he doesn't come home on a regular basis, because unless either of us is in a relationship, it may spell trouble for me. Notice I just said "for me". I seem to be the only one that has trouble in these instances, which is why I refuse to emotionally committ to anyone. Getting hurt gets old.

Okay, now for the revelation as to my thoughts on pro-creating.

As I said earlier, I may not have alot, but what I do have, I've worked hard for, and I'm proud of. My house, namely the biggest. Currently, my will allows for one of my sisters, "Nikki", and my nephew to inherit everything 50/50 should anything ever happen to me. However, the house would get sold, and anything else would either be given away, or just discarded. I have no doubts that they would have some love for my belongings, but I want someone that will "treasure" what I've left behind. Who better to do that than a genetically-linked person born and raised here? True, I could just adopt, and although I would love that child as if I'd given birth to them, but I'd rather experience the 40 weeks of carriage. To me, that would seem like putting more of a connection to it.

So, as I said in my last post, I threw the bait out as to whom I figured's DNA would mesh well with mine. That would mean being particular, and undergoing Artificial Insemination. After taking their family background, height, and looks into consideration, and if they already have children, their behaviorlism towards those. Undergoing AI also signifies that through attorney drawn papers, the father would have absolutely NO link to the child, other than through sperm donorship. Any and all methods of support and contact would be non-existant, by my choosing, and I would be completely on my own (selfish sounding, I know, but to each their own on those views). I've got enough family of my own to get through. This way would keep any confusion down. At least until the child turns of age and wants to know "where's my daddy?" I've got a great comeback for that already, but I shant share it. Some things, I'm keeping to myself. My list was very small, but I managed to cumber up on a few. As I also said, I got a few positive responses, some that I'm weighing, and others either no response or a negative go. "Why don't you just go about it the 'old fashioned' way?" one might ask. Because then, there would be an attachment, of sorts, to the father, and if I'm sleeping with him, he's more than likely going to find out. I don't want that. Clean-cut. That's that. One response was "yeah, I could do that, but how are you going to make sure I don't wound up paying child support?". My response: it will be in black-and-white. Another response was "(the girlfriend &) I have considered your proposal, and if you want me to be the donor, we 3 need to sit down and discuss this together". My response: I have no problem with that. Another response was "how would you expect me to not want to have anything to do with my own flesh & blood?". My response: thank you, but nevermind. And yet another response was "that sounds good, but why don't you save the money, and I'll donate directly". My response: haha..you wish. I've gotten 1 that said no, and 2 that haven't responded at all. So I'm weighing all of my options at this point. ALL of my options.

I may not have made all of the best of decisions thus far in my 30+ years of life, but some I have made good.

Once again, you know more will come about that I'll be telling you. Until the next time I dry your eyes out from excessive reading.....