Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Dont' Talk...Just Listen...

"Have you been on Allen's Facebook page lately?" Text from my sister, Nikki.

"No. Why? What's up?"

"Uhm, you should really be a little more observant. All I'm gonna say is either check your newsfeed stream, or go to his page. LOL"

Okay, my curiosity is piqued now. I logged into Facebook from my phone, and sure enough, in my newsfeed stream of updates, there's what she obviously thought I should see:

Relationship Status: ENGAGED

I fell out laughing. Really, now?! Wow. That's all I could say. I sat and waited for whatever emotions that would come, but shockingly, none did. I waited, and waited. What I was waiting for, I'm not sure, but I thought by staring at that, tears or hurt or something would set in. Nothing. A twinge of irritation did occur in the aspect of "damn, it hasn't been that overly long ago that he and I were together, and he's been in another relationship since us, and now, I guess 3rd times a charm...all in less than 1 1/2 years." I think I kinda felt sorry for him at that point. The fact that, according to an inside source that knows him and his now "fiance", they are perfect together. I was right about my observations of her, just based on her posts and tags to his page. She has serious mental issues. He, which is ever more clear at this point, obviously has them, too. Any man that would commit to a girl with her mental status, that young, with that many kids (which, again, according to the source) that she doesn't have custody of (all of them..for whatever reasons), can't be completely well in the head. He doesn't want to be "fixed", she can't be "fixed". And to boot, the fact that I saw this coming. Wasn't sure when, but I "felt" it. Allen was one of the guys that I text regarding potentially fathering my child, and when I sent the text, I included the words "if you need to discuss this with your wife, please do". (Note: his response was that "the three of us would need to discuss this"). Coincidence at its finest that this status change occurred within 2 months of that text to him. Actually, it wouldn't surprise me if they're already married and just going through a slow motion process of letting people know, because I did notice that he changed his place of residence to her town. That was a couple of months ago. When I told my mom about his status change, she laughed. What is it about this situation that's got everyone laughing?! Maybe because I know, through his family, that she's not very well liked by them. They merely tolerate her because they love him, but there's no particular care for her. Allen's daughter can't stand her. The ex-wife can't stand her. What's even more funny is the fact that his family wasn't all that crazy about the ex-wife, but, they side more with her than they'll give credit to this girl. The ex-wife and I were at least civil with each other, and from what I hear, there's been MAJOR conflict between this nut-case and the ex-wife. Hm. Wonder who'd win a bout in the ring?! No matter what my personal feelings were pertaining to Allen's ex, I'd never voice them, because of the way I felt about him, and due to the fact that no matter what, she's the mother of his children, he was married to her, and if I bashed her, that would've been indirectly speaking against him and his children. I'm not stupid enough to do that. Especially in a public way. Karma has a way of finding you, no matter how hard you try to avoid it, and it's funny that a Facebook friend of mine recently posted a picture that said "bad karma: the girl he's with now". Irony that I saw that post the same day that I saw his status change? I think not. There have been several "congratulations" expressed on his page about the engagement announcement, lots of "likes" on the status change, and out of curiosity, I browsed through just to see how many of them were from people that I knew and dealt with when he and I were together. 2 names that I recognized. Jackie was one, but she doesn't count, because you know my feelings towards her..those, I publicly voice. The other from a teen-age girl that doesn't know any better. If there were others, I don't recall or recognize them by name (shit, I met too many people), so I don't care. Also according to the source, my standards were too high, in the way that I wanted better for and from him. Again, he doesn't want to be "fixed", and apparently he's safe with her since she's so fucked up herself. Oh, well. More power to Allen and "nut-job". You remember I'd stated in one of my previous posts that I have absolutely NOTHING to be jealous of when it came to this? The source, and that picture post confirm it. I didn't want to see it then, but it's screamingly clear now. In other words, I dodged a bullet.

Don't think I'm in any way trying to say that I'm "normal" by "society's" standards. I've never thought myself to be issue free, ever, because I know I've got some...hell, EVERYONE has some sort of issues, there are just some people's who run a hell of a lot deeper than others. Such is the case with this situation. Again, more power.

Speaking of issues. When it came to Red, I realized that I was falling for the "ideal" situation..the way I envision things to be..not him necessarily. That's why the relation between him and Allen seemed so strong. I also realized that's why I had such a hard time letting go of Allen. It wasn't necessarily him, but I fell in love with the way he started off treating me, like a queen. So, by the time his true colors shown through, he'd already got me..hook, line, and sinker. My cousin and I were discussing that situation, and thankfully, I've become more open to seeing things for how they really are; stopped being in denial. She asked me just what it was that I was so in love with about Allen. You know, I honestly couldn't name a damned thing?! I tried to refute her.

Me: He'd drive over 6 hours to see me

Coco: So? And compare how many times he came to see you to how many times you drove to see him

Damn. I can't.

Me: Well, he sent me "just because" cards, told me that he loved me, and called me his queen

Coco: So? He also STOPPED sending you cards, reneged on that "I love you", and called you his queen "in training"

Shit. There's got to be something I can say in his defense.

Me: Okay, well, he took me around his family and friends and told everyone that I was his woman

Coco: Girl, you act like no other guy has done that shit! Hell, your baby's daddy took you to meet his momma the 2nd time y'all went out, and bought you a puppy when you lost the baby! Look, cousin, like I always tell you, I love you, so I'm gonna give it to you straight, AGAIN. That man didn't do anything for you that no other man hasn't done in the past. Yeah, he may have shown a little more effort at first by the length of the drive coming to see you, but what the fuck did he REALLY do that was so significant that you haven't seen before? Did he pay any of your bills? Don't even answer that cause I already know. Not that you wanted or needed his money, but what the fuck could he do for you besides dick you down? Did he do anything..I mean ANYTHING at all so different from any other man? The only difference is it took longer for his true colors to shine than it did the rest of them. He camouflaged a lot longer, which got you hooked. Junior did that shit, the Captain did that shit. Hell, a step further, the Captain and Junior bought you shit AND gave you money! Even Sven did the same exact shit by driving to see you! Shit, he drove further and came to see you more than Allen did. Now compare that to how many times you drove to New Mexico. Shall I keep naming and going?

Me: No. I got it.

Coco: I understand, Cousin. Trust me, I do. I'm just trying to get YOU to see that Allen was just like all the rest of them. The difference is you were extremely vulnerable at that time, you dropped your guard WAY down, and you got comfortable with his family quicker. What else? If you want to drawl over a man, make it one that's actually doing something for you, and CAN do something for you, not one that can't even do shit for himself. Damn. You didn't even trip over the Captain this damned long. I guess what it is is after Allen, you kinda built that emotional wall again. I'll be the first to tell you to be careful and keep your guard up, but don't push the right man away instantaneously because your emotions are so damaged that you wouldn't recognize him if he fell out of the sky. You need time to heal, and I applaud you for finally taking time to do that. You'll know when you're ready, though. Maybe you are growing up..haha. Maybe if you'd taken my advice a long time ago like you're doing now and just find some dick without trying to commit to it, you wouldn't be in this predicament. Fuck it, then send it on its way. 

I give up. Once again, it took her coming through raw to make me realize. She'd tried talking to me the day I drove to Nebraska when Allen broke up with me by text, but then, I wasn't trying to hear it. I wasn't trying to hear it from anyone. Now, my head is on a little straighter, my perspective has gotten a little more on track. She's right. What the fuck did he do that was so significant? Like she said, it just took longer than the others for his true colors to shine through, and I was completely hooked by the time they did. Hell, Allen didn't even really want a black girl. I was an experiment. Why, I may never know, but reality sank in. After all of my intuition, all of the revelations, and after all is said and done, I was just another notch on his belt. I was dealing with a real life Charlie Harper (from Two and a half Men).

Mind you, this conversation with Coco transpired not long after I had the first conversations with Barbara's ex, who, speaking of, appears to be moving forward himself. I'm happy for him. Better late than never for both of us.

I will know when I'm ready again. It may take a while longer than I'd hope, but, I must pat myself on the back for the progress I've made this far.

While I'm on the note of "knowing", I'd like to introduce "Ted". In my own credit, the age gap is a lot less. This one's only 4 years younger. Yes, of course I met him at work. His mother had just gotten out of the Emergency Room (haha..I've already met momma..very nice lady! that hurdle's already been jumped), and he and his older brother had brought her to pick up some medicine. Tall, nice "country boy" built, nicely trimmed goatee, dark-haired, green eyed sexiness. His brother wasn't bad looking, either, but I took immediate notice of Ted when I spoke and he smiled. His brother had gone back to the car with their mother, while Ted waited inside for her prescriptions. He also just so happened to be wearing a Longhorns t-shirt. Conversation starter since I'm from Texas..and a conversation that led to information exchange. Long story made short, he's now on my Facebook page. We haven't gone out yet, and communication has been sparse so far, but I'm not worried. His mom's been back in the hospital since that next night, and I've learned that a lot of men aren't good at juggling things like that with personal affairs. Supposedly they were having a hard time figuring out what was wrong with his mom before finally diagnosing her with a severely advanced case of pneumonia. Explains how she wound up back in the hospital the same day we met. He's very close to his mom and has pretty much been at the hospital all the time (seems he only leaves to shower and get something to eat), so I've told him there's no pressure to communicate with me at this moment. I understand that their focus is on trying to get moms all better, but when she's in the clear, back home, and doing better, then we'll see where this could lead. He's been keeping me, and people on Facebook, updated on her status, and all I can do is keep my fingers crossed that she'll pull through alright. Yeah, I think I prefer him concentrate on her and not on me right now. I'll be here, but she's not necessarily young, and pneumonia is no joke.

Little by little, I'm learning. No advancement on the decision with the Artificial Insemination, yet...but then again, I may not even wound up going that route. I'll see. You'll see. We'll all see together....





No comments:

Post a Comment