"You got your kickers and your ropers,
your everyday loafers,
and some that you can never find.
You got your slippers and your zippers,
your grabbers and your grippers,
and man don't you hate that kind.
Some you wear in,
some you wear out,
and some you wanna leave behind
Sometimes ya hate 'em
sometimes ya love 'em
I guess it all depends on which way you rub 'em
but a girl can never have too many of 'em...
Men are like shoes"
Gotta appreciate Shania Twain for that song. Not that I necessarily agree with all of the words in this song, but the jest of it is the essence. As I've said to people before, I love men. I've been to hell and back with some of them, but not enough to make me ever want to deter from that way of life. No matter how fed up I get with some of their shit, I still love them, and wouldn't ever trade them...I may want to trade the model that I'm dealing with at the time, but I'd never trade a Ford for a Kia . Yes, I'm a Ford girl...F-150 XLT Triton Extended Cab type of girl to be exact.
Who the hell was calling me from an unrecognized phone number at 10:30 at night? I hadn't given my number to anyone, and I know solicitors had sure as hell better not be calling me that time of night, but who the fuck was this? Jones. Hm. The opportunist. I'm so glad I was on the phone with my mom at that time because it gave me the perfect excuse to get off the phone with him. He tried to use the excuse that he suddenly realized he hadn't given me his new phone number so he wanted to make sure I had it. I didn't have an old number for him, so it didn't matter. And how the hell does he all of a sudden realize that I, of all people, didn't have his new number when we hadn't communicated since....damn....I can't even remember. Obviously, though, after all this time, he still remembers how to get in touch with me, and the timing is so very coincidental...not long after I posted on Facebook about buying a house. When I told him I'd call him back because I was on the phone, he said he'd just call me the next day. That was 2 days ago. I didn't even bother locking his number in. Poo on him. He'd be described as a "slipper and a zipper".
And I won't speak to badly about "Lee". I never spoke in detail about him before, because although I was involved with him, he didn't last long enough, nor was he "attention grabbing" enough to be a jader for me. Lee and I had a brief fling after Mason, before Allen. I think I may have touched on him at some point in one of my posts. He's in the military, but his kids are damned near grown and he didn't really want anymore. At the time, I was in my "gung-ho" phase of wanting children, so, although he was open-minded about having more (just as a pacifist thing if he wound up with a woman that wanted some), he already has 3 biological, 1 that he's raising as his own (4 total), and mine would be "just another kid" to him. That's not ideal to me. I'd want my child to be "wanted" by the daddy, not just a "well, this is what your mother wanted, so here you are" thing. I didn't bother even putting any eggs into that basket, just enjoyed the times we did spend together, and we just kind of mutually faded out of each other's lives. I'd spent some time with 3 of his children, too, and one of his daughters (his oldest) is an "attitude central" teenager that I knew I wouldn't be able to deal with. She and I would've wound up going round-n-round. I don't deal well with disrespectful kids. That was a kind of complicated situation, because he had 2 kids (a daughter and son) with his ex-wife, they separated for a time, and he had another daughter with another woman, she had another son with another man (that's the 1 he's raising as his own), they got back together for a while, then divorced. The one thing I will say, though, is I wouldn't have had to worry about him being a stranger to bi-racial kids, because all 3 of his are half black. He's a good man, and a wonderful father, so that wouldn't have been an issue either. I think what it boiled down to is I just really didn't want to go into a full-fledged ready-made family situation. One child, maybe 2, is my limit. Anything more is too much for me. Like I said, I have nothing bad to say about him, other than the fact that he would be described as "some you wear out", because having his career and that many kids was taxing on the time. He simply sent me a text and posted a congratulations about my house on Facebook. We never really completely lost contact with each other, because we text a time or 2 within the last 6 months or so, but I'd long ago deleted him from my phone, so his number is only recognized by the area code. He's originally from the northeast somewhere, just stationed here in Oklahoma and he never changed his phone number (sounds familiar..hehe). He's one of the better ones I've dealt with, so that's all I have to say about that.
Ah, and Ron has managed to resurface also. He doesn't have a Facebook page, and I hadn't heard from him since the turn of the year, so where he came from out of the blue is beyond me. I guess he's got ESP. He's already tried to make a few dates with me, and that would be okay because it's not like I'm into him for it to be anything more than just hanging out as friends, but with me working 2 jobs now, I'm lucky to have time for myself, much less try to make time for someone else. He understands that, and pretty much said to just let him know when I can squeeze him into my schedule. Only God knows when that will be. Yes, it's true, because I've said it myself, that people MAKE time for the things they want to. I'll just leave it at that.
All of this, and today is only Thursday. I'm starting to wonder who else is going to come out of the wood work. So far, it hasn't been anyone that I necessarily care. Are any of them? Hm. Good question. I tell you what, I'll let you know when I find out.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself
I'm so glad that some people take the time to actually get to know the real me for who I truly am. That helps in instances when people like Mason are messaging people around me, I'm guessing in an attempt to make them dislike me. What he failed to realize, though, is those that do know me won't give him the time of day nor believe his shit. After he messaged Sven, Sven messaged him back telling him "hm. Who should I believe? A man that I have no clue who you are, or R, a girl that I know?" and told him not to message him, me, or anyone that I know ever again (good looking out, Sven). That must have hurt Mason's ego, because he messaged Sven back with some childish, smart-ass response along the lines of "whatever, tough guy. I'll message who ever I want" and then blocked Sven on Facebook. Sven and I both sarcastically agree that you aren't someone until you've been blocked on Facebook by someone you don't know...the next quest will be to get blocked by someone you actually do know, and then you'll really be somebody. I love Sven. He makes me laugh. We still get lost in our hours-long conversations, losing track of time and everything around us. "Well why the hell don't y'all just get back together?" one would ask. Would we like to rekindle the flame? It's a mutual yes, because the flame seems to have never gone out. You never know what the future holds, but for now, things are fine as they are. Sven has mentioned several times that he feels bad about us breaking up, and I appreciate his remorse over all that happened, yet I don't want him to associate with me out of guilt or anything. He's stated several times how much he misses me (and I've told him the same), but I want the miss to be about me, not out of feeling bad because of the issues that broke us up. Only time will tell how this scenario will play out. He sent me another Facebook friend request, and I've added him again. For now, we're just taking our time, enjoying each other with no pressures from either side.
My dear Justin is an ass. I woke up the other day to a missed call (I hadn't deleted him from my phone yet) and a voicemail from him. When I checked my messages, thinking it was something important for him to be calling me being he has no reason to since he has a girlfriend, all I heard was a bunch of jumbled talking and static. After a moment, I realized that he must've not deleted me from his phone and did an accidental pocket dial. I text him asking if he realized that his phone had done that, and his reply was "no. who is this?" What the hell do you mean "who is this?". It's been 2 weeks, and obviously you hadn't deleted me from your phone for you to have pocket dialed me, but you're asking "who is this?". Dumb ass. I responded telling him it didn't matter who this was, I just wanted to let him know that he's pocket dialing and to take care. He responded that he knew it was me, he was sorry about the pocket dial and he hopes I'm doing ok. I didn't respond. Why bother and waste my time? I bet he felt stupid when, or if, he realized that I knew he couldn't have pocket dialed me unless my number was still in his phone. That just further shows me how immature and idiotic he is, and I'm glad I dodged that bullet.
Not much to speak about in the dating world at this time. To be completely honest, I haven't given much thought (maybe for the first time in my life) to dating lately. I've been so pre-occupied with buying my house (I move next month!! Yay me!), and started working a second job, there hasn't been much room nor time to think about much else. Okay, the reason for the second job is that, inspite of some of my bad decisions in men, I am a realist in other facets. The second job is only part-time and temporary. My primary job will take care of the bills, and the second job is so I can furnish my new place with new furniture and fix it up just the way I want it. I have an apartment full of furniture now, but something about moving into a new place, actually buying a house, makes me want to deck it out. I've picked up little things here and there already, like a little doggie statue with a "welcome" sign hanging in its mouth, for my front porch, and been scoping out backyard lawn furniture, a kitchen table set, new livingroom furniture, new bedroom sets...oh, I'm not giving up my california-king-sized-double-pillowtop bed in my bedroom yet, but it's time to upgrade for the other rooms. I've even considered coming into the high-tech world and investing in a flatscreen TV for my livingroom. I'm so old fashioned in that aspect, I still have the box TVs. Hey, they work, and nowadays, I can get a bigscreen big box for dirt cheap, so, why change it? I'm not trying to win a popularity contest for the most high-def equipment. The way I see it, these play just fine, the color quality and picture are in tact, everything works on them, so why in the world would I come off of hundreds of unnecessary dollars for a television when the technology on it will be near extinction within a couple of years and the "next best thing" will be the rave and spend hundreds of dollars on that, when I've got all of the quality I need in $60 32inch big boxes? I've had the one in my livingroom for years (I paid a few hundred dollars then when I bought it for my ex-husband), and the one in my bedroom was a gift after my 27 inch blew out. I feel the same way about blueray. My regular DVD players work just fine. Like I said, if I do invest in the 52inch flatscreen I've got my eye on, that will be a major splurge for me, and probably the last thing on my list to get. No offense to anyone that feels the need to keep up with the times, that's just my personal belief. Either way, little by little I'll have my house just the way I want it. I'm not too keen on the carpet in there now, it's like an ugly beige early 80's type of carpet, but I'll eventually replace it. I'm thinking something along the lines of cherrywood stained linoleum. With me having dogs, the whole "carpet" idea isn't really my forte anyway. The previous owners had a built-in surround cherrywood-looking book shelf/computer desk installed (that was one of my "fell in love with" key points...that, and the huge privacy-fenced backyard), and the kitchen and bathrooms have recently been remodeled/updated, so other than the carpet, I probably won't do too much to the house itself. Oh, and I'll eventually replace the stove. It's a bit outdated too. For the time being, though, as long as all of the electric burners and the oven work, I'm not in a hurry.
I'm excited. Can you see why dating hasn't been a priority? If I'd taken people's advice a long time ago and found something to keep my mind occupied (like I have now), I probably wouldn't have gone through half the shit with men that I've gone through. As a matter of fact I know I wouldn't have. Something about when you strive for more in life, people that are "beneath" you at that point don't really matter anymore, and you don't want to deal with anyone that's not on the same wave length or higher. Yes, I've got a bit of a case of the "big head" now. Not that I think I'm better than anyone, but I'm definitely better than the shit I've allowed myself to go through when it comes to men. I can't really blame them all the way, because if my standards were higher than what they'd been, then I would've said "see ya" without a second thought the moment shit started going south. "You're how old and you have what?" "I'm doing this, this, and this with my life, what are you doing with yours?" "I hope to accomplish this by this time, what are you accomplishing?" Yeah, with this step in my life, my standards just got a little higher.
Eventually I'll get to a point again where I'm lonesome, and my song and dance may change by the time I move, start getting comfortable in my new place, and the newness and excitement of being a homeowner starts to wear off, but I'm enjoying this little cloud that I'm on right now. No worries, no problems. I take that back, I do have problems...99 of them, but right now, a man ain't one....
My dear Justin is an ass. I woke up the other day to a missed call (I hadn't deleted him from my phone yet) and a voicemail from him. When I checked my messages, thinking it was something important for him to be calling me being he has no reason to since he has a girlfriend, all I heard was a bunch of jumbled talking and static. After a moment, I realized that he must've not deleted me from his phone and did an accidental pocket dial. I text him asking if he realized that his phone had done that, and his reply was "no. who is this?" What the hell do you mean "who is this?". It's been 2 weeks, and obviously you hadn't deleted me from your phone for you to have pocket dialed me, but you're asking "who is this?". Dumb ass. I responded telling him it didn't matter who this was, I just wanted to let him know that he's pocket dialing and to take care. He responded that he knew it was me, he was sorry about the pocket dial and he hopes I'm doing ok. I didn't respond. Why bother and waste my time? I bet he felt stupid when, or if, he realized that I knew he couldn't have pocket dialed me unless my number was still in his phone. That just further shows me how immature and idiotic he is, and I'm glad I dodged that bullet.
Not much to speak about in the dating world at this time. To be completely honest, I haven't given much thought (maybe for the first time in my life) to dating lately. I've been so pre-occupied with buying my house (I move next month!! Yay me!), and started working a second job, there hasn't been much room nor time to think about much else. Okay, the reason for the second job is that, inspite of some of my bad decisions in men, I am a realist in other facets. The second job is only part-time and temporary. My primary job will take care of the bills, and the second job is so I can furnish my new place with new furniture and fix it up just the way I want it. I have an apartment full of furniture now, but something about moving into a new place, actually buying a house, makes me want to deck it out. I've picked up little things here and there already, like a little doggie statue with a "welcome" sign hanging in its mouth, for my front porch, and been scoping out backyard lawn furniture, a kitchen table set, new livingroom furniture, new bedroom sets...oh, I'm not giving up my california-king-sized-double-pillowtop bed in my bedroom yet, but it's time to upgrade for the other rooms. I've even considered coming into the high-tech world and investing in a flatscreen TV for my livingroom. I'm so old fashioned in that aspect, I still have the box TVs. Hey, they work, and nowadays, I can get a bigscreen big box for dirt cheap, so, why change it? I'm not trying to win a popularity contest for the most high-def equipment. The way I see it, these play just fine, the color quality and picture are in tact, everything works on them, so why in the world would I come off of hundreds of unnecessary dollars for a television when the technology on it will be near extinction within a couple of years and the "next best thing" will be the rave and spend hundreds of dollars on that, when I've got all of the quality I need in $60 32inch big boxes? I've had the one in my livingroom for years (I paid a few hundred dollars then when I bought it for my ex-husband), and the one in my bedroom was a gift after my 27 inch blew out. I feel the same way about blueray. My regular DVD players work just fine. Like I said, if I do invest in the 52inch flatscreen I've got my eye on, that will be a major splurge for me, and probably the last thing on my list to get. No offense to anyone that feels the need to keep up with the times, that's just my personal belief. Either way, little by little I'll have my house just the way I want it. I'm not too keen on the carpet in there now, it's like an ugly beige early 80's type of carpet, but I'll eventually replace it. I'm thinking something along the lines of cherrywood stained linoleum. With me having dogs, the whole "carpet" idea isn't really my forte anyway. The previous owners had a built-in surround cherrywood-looking book shelf/computer desk installed (that was one of my "fell in love with" key points...that, and the huge privacy-fenced backyard), and the kitchen and bathrooms have recently been remodeled/updated, so other than the carpet, I probably won't do too much to the house itself. Oh, and I'll eventually replace the stove. It's a bit outdated too. For the time being, though, as long as all of the electric burners and the oven work, I'm not in a hurry.
I'm excited. Can you see why dating hasn't been a priority? If I'd taken people's advice a long time ago and found something to keep my mind occupied (like I have now), I probably wouldn't have gone through half the shit with men that I've gone through. As a matter of fact I know I wouldn't have. Something about when you strive for more in life, people that are "beneath" you at that point don't really matter anymore, and you don't want to deal with anyone that's not on the same wave length or higher. Yes, I've got a bit of a case of the "big head" now. Not that I think I'm better than anyone, but I'm definitely better than the shit I've allowed myself to go through when it comes to men. I can't really blame them all the way, because if my standards were higher than what they'd been, then I would've said "see ya" without a second thought the moment shit started going south. "You're how old and you have what?" "I'm doing this, this, and this with my life, what are you doing with yours?" "I hope to accomplish this by this time, what are you accomplishing?" Yeah, with this step in my life, my standards just got a little higher.
Eventually I'll get to a point again where I'm lonesome, and my song and dance may change by the time I move, start getting comfortable in my new place, and the newness and excitement of being a homeowner starts to wear off, but I'm enjoying this little cloud that I'm on right now. No worries, no problems. I take that back, I do have problems...99 of them, but right now, a man ain't one....
Saturday, March 17, 2012
This Means War
Anyone familiar with the country song "I Pray For You" will relate to my feelings about Mason right about now. Sven brought to my attention yesterday that Mason had sent him a message on Facebook. In this message, Mason supposedly copied and pasted an alleged conversation that he and I had, namely this last one where I told him to fuck off and not message me anymore. Sven forwarded the message to me and the first thing I noticed was that alot of the conversation text had been changed. Conveniently, the part where I told him "I don't owe you anything....it's been over 1 1/2 years....I've gotten past/beyond that whole situation, just as you need to do...you need to move on with your life just as I have, and I care that you DON'T FUCKING message me ANYMORE" was left out, and some text referring to me being pregnant and tricking him into sending me some money for an abortion had been inserted. And then, some response to that message had allegedly been sent back to me, of course, a message I never got. Ah, Mason. The tricky bastard. I see he wants to take this to another level. Messaging people close to me. I'm so glad Sven has gotten to know me better than to believe this bastard. I asked Sven to message him back and include the fact of not messaging him anymore. If Sven puts it in writing for Mason not to message him again, any further communication will be considered harassment, and I will SURELY be contacting Mason's Major. I realized that's why Mason must have blocked me on Facebook, because he didn't want me messaging him pertaining to messaging people around me with his bullshit, and changing up the conversation in the process. Well enough. What he didn't configure, though, is that anyone that knows me, knows better to believe his shit. Remember I said people like Mason can bring out the manipulative psychotic vindictive side of me? He's doing a good job of making that dormant side want to come out. I laughed it off when I first read the messages, but then my brain started churning. If he messaged Sven, I'm now wondering if he messaged Allen but he just hasn't told me? Not that it matters, because what's done is done, in Allen's case, and he can believe what he wants to believe, but just the thought that this sick, twisted bastard would do this, and for what reason? Because he's mad that I wouldn't give him another chance? Or is he that hard up for money that he's trying to con me into submission and admitting some shit I didn't do for some money that I don't owe him? Seriously, it's been over 2 years now since Mason and I were together, and I've long gotten over him, but it doesn't seem to be the case for him. My gosh, have I spurned a "jilted" lover myself? Do I now have, what I once wished for, someone who wants me so bad they're willing to go to extremes to get back with me or get back at me for shunning them? They say be careful what you wish for, and that hadn't been a wish in a VERY long time, but, if I wished it, maybe it's coming to fruition long after I've stopped wishing that. Whatever the case may be, I'll just be waiting to see what move is made next. Sven agreed to message Mason back telling him not to message him anymore, so now it's a matter of "fuck Mason, unless he messages again". At which point, Mason will be wishing he'd have just gone on with his life and left me alone, like I warned him to, and he'll regret the day he met me. So far, nobody (that I know of) has ever actually regretted the day they met me, but for once in history, I'm willing to make that happen. If he wants to play dirty, I'm coming with full artillery. None like he's ever seen in his "sheltered" military captain career. A bull's horns can be deadly (Mason's a Taurus) and instantaneous, but a scorpion's sting can be more fatal, because, from what I hear, it's a slow, painful death...one so painful that it makes you wish you were dead long before you die. You don't even feel the venom coursing through your veins, until it reaches the major arteries and organs, and then.......B O O M ! ! !.........
And in Forest Gump's words, "that's all I have to say about that".
Yes, Sven. As I said before, we've been communicating. I added him back to Facebook (I'd deleted him the day we broke up), and now, it's a matter of seeing what will become of us. He's made it clear to me that he misses me badly, and yes, I miss him just as much. The door hasn't been closed in that situation. He's the first of any that managed to keep me from closing it on him. I guess because he's a different kind of guy. As I've mentioned before "they shoulda kept me when they had me, cause once I'm gone, I'm gone", but Sven was smart. He seems to have figured me out already. As long as he keeps in contact with me, the door stays open. I hadn't had the opportunity to be "gone" with him. I admit that I was the first to reach out to him after we broke up, but his reciprocation has been the determining factor. After adding him back on Facebook, I saw on his page where he'd left a message for me the day after we broke up "I thought I was ready for a relationship but I wasn't and had to break up. R, if you ever read this, know that I am truly sorry. You're amazing, and I wish I could have been just as amazing for you". Okay, I have to confess, I saw that message the day he posted it, but just didn't want to admit that I was stalking his page. Anyone could've guessed that I was. His page was private (I'd asked him to set it that way because I have some nosey people on my page that would've been stalking his page when we were together), so he had to have made that particular post "public" just for me to see it. For the first time, since my ex-husband, I can honestly say that someone is displaying real love towards me. Not that "fake" shit where the word just gets tossed around like a rag doll, but a true display. I've heard the "L" word out of the mouth of several men, but none of their actions ever matched. I was talking to a co-worker the other day (bad move, I know) about the fact that in 3 consecutive years I've had 3 failed relationships. All within the time frame of January or February. Of the 3, my co-worker told me that Sven sounded to him to be the only one even worth considering, and the other two, I should've told to "kick rocks" the day it happened and never look back. Smart kid. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to let Sven go, because my head and heart both register that this man had/has REAL feelings for me. Lastnight we had one of our hours-long conversations (crap! I forgot to call Wally back!), and we've decided to take things slow. Regardless of where this road may lead, I can surely say that for twice in my life, I was actually LOVED.
My anxiety level has been on the rise a bit lately. I'm trying to buy a house. Enough said for anyone with the experience. Headache central. I had no idea of all the details home ownership entailed. All the damned numbers and figures...nothing like buying a car. I'm excited to be a first-time home owner, and I know the rewards will be great, I just wish I'd been warned of the stress that comes along with the process. It'll all be worth it in the end, though. Thank God my dad has been close on hand to help walk me through it step-by-step. He's a pro in that arena being that he's purchased homes, property and such. Cross your fingers for me!
Justin is history. I guess because I wouldn't "give him any" he decided to explore other terrain. We were supposed to hit the movies together one day this past week, and the day before, I got a text from him saying
"Hey R this is Justin, I have something to tell you and I hope it doesn't make you too upset or angry, but me and my ex have stayed friends since after the break up and we were talking late last night and early this morning and decided we both do still love each other and always have so we are now back together, I'm sorry if this disappoints you and being an inconvenience"
Good riddance. No, Justin, I'm neither upset, angry, nor disappointed. Maybe just a bit baffled by the fact that a woman 14 years his senior is really that desperate for a man, but not that he's moved on...or rather, gone backwards. Again, to each his own on the age difference factor, and I don't knock anyone for their choices in the matter, I just don't see what a woman who's damned near 40 could want with a man that much younger than her (besides the sex), and other than a mother-figure, the same for him. He did express to me on several occasions, though, that his mom was never really a "mother" to him, and outside of the basics of keeping a roof over his and his siblings heads, and food in their mouths, she did little else. Just typing that gives me an idea of his issues. Like they say about promiscuous women and women that deal with alot of men, "they have 'daddy' issues" (it's been thought about me, but contrare. I'm just a rebel), he seems to have "mommy issues". That wasn't a role I was willing to play in his life, so, the best to them.
"Okay. Thanks for letting me know. Take care of yourself"
was my response. He text again asking why wouldn't he let me know, and I responded that was a good question. Maybe because not all men are mature enough to let a woman that they're supposedly interested in know and just disappear. He responded that he's not that type of guy, and he wished me the best as well. Ehn. It was bound to happen sooner or later. As a result of my unwillingness to "put out", my AAA battery supply is depleting. Oh, well. That's why I bought so many.
Nothing from Will lately. I text him the other day asking if he planned to disappear on me again. His reply was an apology, and alot of shit going on. Typical. I haven't bothered since.
Welp, that's my life-to-date. And between all this madness, I'm just working, religiously going to the gym (stress relief), taking care of my girls (the dogs), and living life. I wonder what next week will have in store. You'll know as soon as I do.
And in Forest Gump's words, "that's all I have to say about that".
Yes, Sven. As I said before, we've been communicating. I added him back to Facebook (I'd deleted him the day we broke up), and now, it's a matter of seeing what will become of us. He's made it clear to me that he misses me badly, and yes, I miss him just as much. The door hasn't been closed in that situation. He's the first of any that managed to keep me from closing it on him. I guess because he's a different kind of guy. As I've mentioned before "they shoulda kept me when they had me, cause once I'm gone, I'm gone", but Sven was smart. He seems to have figured me out already. As long as he keeps in contact with me, the door stays open. I hadn't had the opportunity to be "gone" with him. I admit that I was the first to reach out to him after we broke up, but his reciprocation has been the determining factor. After adding him back on Facebook, I saw on his page where he'd left a message for me the day after we broke up "I thought I was ready for a relationship but I wasn't and had to break up. R, if you ever read this, know that I am truly sorry. You're amazing, and I wish I could have been just as amazing for you". Okay, I have to confess, I saw that message the day he posted it, but just didn't want to admit that I was stalking his page. Anyone could've guessed that I was. His page was private (I'd asked him to set it that way because I have some nosey people on my page that would've been stalking his page when we were together), so he had to have made that particular post "public" just for me to see it. For the first time, since my ex-husband, I can honestly say that someone is displaying real love towards me. Not that "fake" shit where the word just gets tossed around like a rag doll, but a true display. I've heard the "L" word out of the mouth of several men, but none of their actions ever matched. I was talking to a co-worker the other day (bad move, I know) about the fact that in 3 consecutive years I've had 3 failed relationships. All within the time frame of January or February. Of the 3, my co-worker told me that Sven sounded to him to be the only one even worth considering, and the other two, I should've told to "kick rocks" the day it happened and never look back. Smart kid. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to let Sven go, because my head and heart both register that this man had/has REAL feelings for me. Lastnight we had one of our hours-long conversations (crap! I forgot to call Wally back!), and we've decided to take things slow. Regardless of where this road may lead, I can surely say that for twice in my life, I was actually LOVED.
My anxiety level has been on the rise a bit lately. I'm trying to buy a house. Enough said for anyone with the experience. Headache central. I had no idea of all the details home ownership entailed. All the damned numbers and figures...nothing like buying a car. I'm excited to be a first-time home owner, and I know the rewards will be great, I just wish I'd been warned of the stress that comes along with the process. It'll all be worth it in the end, though. Thank God my dad has been close on hand to help walk me through it step-by-step. He's a pro in that arena being that he's purchased homes, property and such. Cross your fingers for me!
Justin is history. I guess because I wouldn't "give him any" he decided to explore other terrain. We were supposed to hit the movies together one day this past week, and the day before, I got a text from him saying
"Hey R this is Justin, I have something to tell you and I hope it doesn't make you too upset or angry, but me and my ex have stayed friends since after the break up and we were talking late last night and early this morning and decided we both do still love each other and always have so we are now back together, I'm sorry if this disappoints you and being an inconvenience"
Good riddance. No, Justin, I'm neither upset, angry, nor disappointed. Maybe just a bit baffled by the fact that a woman 14 years his senior is really that desperate for a man, but not that he's moved on...or rather, gone backwards. Again, to each his own on the age difference factor, and I don't knock anyone for their choices in the matter, I just don't see what a woman who's damned near 40 could want with a man that much younger than her (besides the sex), and other than a mother-figure, the same for him. He did express to me on several occasions, though, that his mom was never really a "mother" to him, and outside of the basics of keeping a roof over his and his siblings heads, and food in their mouths, she did little else. Just typing that gives me an idea of his issues. Like they say about promiscuous women and women that deal with alot of men, "they have 'daddy' issues" (it's been thought about me, but contrare. I'm just a rebel), he seems to have "mommy issues". That wasn't a role I was willing to play in his life, so, the best to them.
"Okay. Thanks for letting me know. Take care of yourself"
was my response. He text again asking why wouldn't he let me know, and I responded that was a good question. Maybe because not all men are mature enough to let a woman that they're supposedly interested in know and just disappear. He responded that he's not that type of guy, and he wished me the best as well. Ehn. It was bound to happen sooner or later. As a result of my unwillingness to "put out", my AAA battery supply is depleting. Oh, well. That's why I bought so many.
Nothing from Will lately. I text him the other day asking if he planned to disappear on me again. His reply was an apology, and alot of shit going on. Typical. I haven't bothered since.
Welp, that's my life-to-date. And between all this madness, I'm just working, religiously going to the gym (stress relief), taking care of my girls (the dogs), and living life. I wonder what next week will have in store. You'll know as soon as I do.
Monday, March 12, 2012
And I Wonder If I Ever Cross Your Mind...
Let's just call me straight out "crazy". I admit it, I am. I have severe psychological issues that I really need to see a specialist for. I'm not being silly, I'm serious. You'd think that I'd learn my lesson of going out of my way to be thoughtful and nice to people that don't deserve the luxury of smelling my shit, but I hadn't. Well, I take that back, this recent experience has left a very sour taste in my mouth, a taste that I don't foresee leaving anytime soon. Today marked the 2 year anniversary of Allen's son's death. Last year, he broke up with me just before the day, and pretty much kicked me in the teeth for the rest of the year, so, why in the sam hell did I feel the need to send him a sympathy card? Being that death is a soft spot for me, especially someone like a child, I couldn't help myself inspite of. I mailed the card one day last week hoping that he'd get it just in time for the 2 year vigil today. It was a simple card that said something about "memories last a lifetime...thinking about you today", along with a poem about a rose blossoming. Nothing extravagant, just simple to let him know I remember. I figured he should have gotten it, so I text him.
Me: I was hoping it would arrive in the mail by today...
Nothing. I know he's probably a wreck at this point, but he could at least acknowledge my text and not leave me hanging. I'll try this again, just in case he didn't get the first one.
Me: So just in case you don't get it right away, I tried to have it post marked in time to have it arrive today. Our thoughts and prayers with you all
Allen: Yes I got it. Haven't read it yet. Thanks.
What the fuck?! That did it. My days of even trying to be cordial with him are completely over. First of all, he didn't have the decency to let me know he got it, second, what the fuck did he mean he "hadn't read it yet"??? That is by far the rudest shit. He could've left that part out. I mean, you don't receive a nice gesture and then tell someone that you're not acknowledging the fact that they did it for you. I mean, if I hadn't text him I may have never known he got it. And before I get blasted about the fact that "he's having a hard day", and for me to consider the situation, I could, but not when he's been on Facebook acknowledging people giving their thoughts to him. Namely, Barbara. Yes, after the texting, I decided to log into good ol' Facebook and see if the vultures were out. Well, first of all, I saw that his current girlfriend posted on his wall the other day "No matter how hard the times may get my love, I will always be here to hold you up", and he "liked" it and wrote "Thanks Babe.....you are the best". Okay, so she's the best this year, when I tried to do the same thing last year and got spit in the face. Okay. I see how he is. Punkass. Then, Barbara, yes, Barbara (it was shocking to see something from her because she hadn't posted on his wall since he and I were together, I don't think) wrote "I am with you today don't forget. Love you" and he "liked" that and wrote "Thanks Barbara. I hope you are feeling better. Love ya". And of course, Jackie had her bits to say on his wall about them being in her thoughts and her loving and missing him. He hadn't responded to that yet. I know it may sound extremely selfish of me to be thinking like this on a day like this, and maybe I shouldn't be, but I know if someone is reaching out to me at a time like this, I'm going to at least be responsive and not just blow them off.
Wally: You're an irritant to him
Me: What do you mean I'm an irritant to him?
Wally: Okay, I hate to be the one to say it, but when will you learn that he just doesn't want to be bothered with you? He doesn't want anything to do with you
Me: That's a crappy thing. See, that's what I don't understand. HE broke up with ME, and I'm yet the one trying to extend the olive branch. What did I do to him that's so horrible that he treats me like crap, but not any of the other females?
Wally: It doesn't matter
Me: Yes, it does. I mean, I'd really like to know why I keep getting treated like this
Wally: No, it doesn't. You remember I told you that you may never get any answers? Well, this may be one of those times. Hopefully now you'll realize what he is, move on and leave him be
Wally's words took a moment to sink in, but I finally got it. No, I may never know why of all the females Allen deals with, I'm the victim of his assholeship, but Wally's right. It doesn't matter. I realize now that you just can't be nice to some people. Some would argue that I'm not over Allen, and if I wasn't then, I am now. Seeing how he's responding differently with this girlfriend at this time versus how he kicked all of my teeth out at this same time last year, then he sent me a "cold" sounding text, yeah, even I have my limits. Last year he was "too busy with his jobs, dealing with his son's death, and wasn't ready to give up his freedom", but just a few months later, his whole tune changed. As the saying goes, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them". Allen showed me a long time ago who he is, it's sad that it took a year and an incident as simple as him not reading a card for me to believe it. I take that back, I believed it then, but my denial period is up. (And yes, there was some anger, bitterness, and jealousy because of these things...but again, it doesn't matter)
Anyway.
Sven and I have been communicating. He's even gone so far as to tell me that he's been miserable without me, and part of him wants to beg me to take him back, but part of him thinks that we wouldn't work. I have to admit, I've missed the shit out of him, but the negativity of thinking that it probably wouldn't work again, that's probably the way it would be. I'm sorry, but when I go into a relationship, I don't look at the "what if it doesn't work out?" factor. I like to believe that it will, because if you think it won't, then it won't. You can think that it will, and it not, but if you go into it thinking like that, then that's the way it will be. It does feel good, though, knowing that someone misses being with me. He's the first guy (besides my ex-husband) that's ever told me that, and that kind of lets me know that I may not be such a bad girlfriend afterall. That, or he has issues just as bad as I do so he doesn't know the difference. Okay, that was a joke, but it has some truth to it. I can't say that we won't ever give it another go, but his mentality towards things would definitely have to change. Right now in my life, I have no room for negativity, and I'm locking myself in a little shell of not dealing with it unnecessarily. From anyone. I'm even trying to watch my level of negativity.
Justin is still hanging on. He's still trying to get in on my extra good side, even going so far as to ask me if I'd ever consider him to be a "buddy". He got a solid "no", but he refuses to go anywhere, so I'll just let him stick around til I get tired of him, or find someone else. From the looks of things, though, the former may happen sooner.
I finally messaged Mason back letting him know that I've moved on with my life, just as he needs to do, leave me the fuck alone and to stop messaging me. He blocked me on Facebook. Good. Saved me the hassle of doing it. His brother and I still talk. As a matter of fact, I'm wondering what his brother's MO is, because he's been texting me and calling me alot lately. Nope, that's not an avenue I'm going down, but it does kinda lighten my mood to hear how beautiful and sexy I am from a man who's brother I used to date. Ha. I'm not one for keeping it in the family, but I'll take the compliments.
Can't forget about Will. Needless to say, whatever he had going on with that girl is over. She deleted him and the posts she'd put on his Facebook. Well, I don't know who deleted who, but they're definitely not Facebook friends anymore, and suddenly, he's been texting me again. Hmmm. Strange sequence of events. That's how I know what's going on, because he text me, so I had to go see what crap they were going through. And of course she's been writing on her wall about people being assholes, and someone missing their well when their water runs dry, and dealing with shit from people that they'll get back...she's taking this pretty hard. Can't say I blame her, because I've been in her shoes a few times. I know exactly how it feels to invest all of yourself into someone just to have them shit on you. I actually feel sorry for her. We live and learn. So, I've returned the texts, but, that's as far as anything with Will will go. He fucked up by blowing me off. First time, shame on you, second time, shame on me...I don't take too well to shame-on-me's.
You know, there are very few people in life that get a second chance with me, and that's not just in relationships, that's period. I hold grudges. I don't forgive easily. And I damned sure don't allow someone who shit on me the opportunity to do it again. I lost a really good friend last year after the whole "Allen" thing because he treated his girlfriend the exact same way Allen did me, and I disassociated myself from him. He was like a brother, and he's been trying to get in good again, but I'm leery because I don't condone people that shit on other people. The jury is still out as to whether I'll befriend him again.
I guess we'll all find out together how these things will play out....
Me: I was hoping it would arrive in the mail by today...
Nothing. I know he's probably a wreck at this point, but he could at least acknowledge my text and not leave me hanging. I'll try this again, just in case he didn't get the first one.
Me: So just in case you don't get it right away, I tried to have it post marked in time to have it arrive today. Our thoughts and prayers with you all
Allen: Yes I got it. Haven't read it yet. Thanks.
What the fuck?! That did it. My days of even trying to be cordial with him are completely over. First of all, he didn't have the decency to let me know he got it, second, what the fuck did he mean he "hadn't read it yet"??? That is by far the rudest shit. He could've left that part out. I mean, you don't receive a nice gesture and then tell someone that you're not acknowledging the fact that they did it for you. I mean, if I hadn't text him I may have never known he got it. And before I get blasted about the fact that "he's having a hard day", and for me to consider the situation, I could, but not when he's been on Facebook acknowledging people giving their thoughts to him. Namely, Barbara. Yes, after the texting, I decided to log into good ol' Facebook and see if the vultures were out. Well, first of all, I saw that his current girlfriend posted on his wall the other day "No matter how hard the times may get my love, I will always be here to hold you up", and he "liked" it and wrote "Thanks Babe.....you are the best". Okay, so she's the best this year, when I tried to do the same thing last year and got spit in the face. Okay. I see how he is. Punkass. Then, Barbara, yes, Barbara (it was shocking to see something from her because she hadn't posted on his wall since he and I were together, I don't think) wrote "I am with you today don't forget. Love you" and he "liked" that and wrote "Thanks Barbara. I hope you are feeling better. Love ya". And of course, Jackie had her bits to say on his wall about them being in her thoughts and her loving and missing him. He hadn't responded to that yet. I know it may sound extremely selfish of me to be thinking like this on a day like this, and maybe I shouldn't be, but I know if someone is reaching out to me at a time like this, I'm going to at least be responsive and not just blow them off.
Wally: You're an irritant to him
Me: What do you mean I'm an irritant to him?
Wally: Okay, I hate to be the one to say it, but when will you learn that he just doesn't want to be bothered with you? He doesn't want anything to do with you
Me: That's a crappy thing. See, that's what I don't understand. HE broke up with ME, and I'm yet the one trying to extend the olive branch. What did I do to him that's so horrible that he treats me like crap, but not any of the other females?
Wally: It doesn't matter
Me: Yes, it does. I mean, I'd really like to know why I keep getting treated like this
Wally: No, it doesn't. You remember I told you that you may never get any answers? Well, this may be one of those times. Hopefully now you'll realize what he is, move on and leave him be
Wally's words took a moment to sink in, but I finally got it. No, I may never know why of all the females Allen deals with, I'm the victim of his assholeship, but Wally's right. It doesn't matter. I realize now that you just can't be nice to some people. Some would argue that I'm not over Allen, and if I wasn't then, I am now. Seeing how he's responding differently with this girlfriend at this time versus how he kicked all of my teeth out at this same time last year, then he sent me a "cold" sounding text, yeah, even I have my limits. Last year he was "too busy with his jobs, dealing with his son's death, and wasn't ready to give up his freedom", but just a few months later, his whole tune changed. As the saying goes, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them". Allen showed me a long time ago who he is, it's sad that it took a year and an incident as simple as him not reading a card for me to believe it. I take that back, I believed it then, but my denial period is up. (And yes, there was some anger, bitterness, and jealousy because of these things...but again, it doesn't matter)
Anyway.
Sven and I have been communicating. He's even gone so far as to tell me that he's been miserable without me, and part of him wants to beg me to take him back, but part of him thinks that we wouldn't work. I have to admit, I've missed the shit out of him, but the negativity of thinking that it probably wouldn't work again, that's probably the way it would be. I'm sorry, but when I go into a relationship, I don't look at the "what if it doesn't work out?" factor. I like to believe that it will, because if you think it won't, then it won't. You can think that it will, and it not, but if you go into it thinking like that, then that's the way it will be. It does feel good, though, knowing that someone misses being with me. He's the first guy (besides my ex-husband) that's ever told me that, and that kind of lets me know that I may not be such a bad girlfriend afterall. That, or he has issues just as bad as I do so he doesn't know the difference. Okay, that was a joke, but it has some truth to it. I can't say that we won't ever give it another go, but his mentality towards things would definitely have to change. Right now in my life, I have no room for negativity, and I'm locking myself in a little shell of not dealing with it unnecessarily. From anyone. I'm even trying to watch my level of negativity.
Justin is still hanging on. He's still trying to get in on my extra good side, even going so far as to ask me if I'd ever consider him to be a "buddy". He got a solid "no", but he refuses to go anywhere, so I'll just let him stick around til I get tired of him, or find someone else. From the looks of things, though, the former may happen sooner.
I finally messaged Mason back letting him know that I've moved on with my life, just as he needs to do, leave me the fuck alone and to stop messaging me. He blocked me on Facebook. Good. Saved me the hassle of doing it. His brother and I still talk. As a matter of fact, I'm wondering what his brother's MO is, because he's been texting me and calling me alot lately. Nope, that's not an avenue I'm going down, but it does kinda lighten my mood to hear how beautiful and sexy I am from a man who's brother I used to date. Ha. I'm not one for keeping it in the family, but I'll take the compliments.
Can't forget about Will. Needless to say, whatever he had going on with that girl is over. She deleted him and the posts she'd put on his Facebook. Well, I don't know who deleted who, but they're definitely not Facebook friends anymore, and suddenly, he's been texting me again. Hmmm. Strange sequence of events. That's how I know what's going on, because he text me, so I had to go see what crap they were going through. And of course she's been writing on her wall about people being assholes, and someone missing their well when their water runs dry, and dealing with shit from people that they'll get back...she's taking this pretty hard. Can't say I blame her, because I've been in her shoes a few times. I know exactly how it feels to invest all of yourself into someone just to have them shit on you. I actually feel sorry for her. We live and learn. So, I've returned the texts, but, that's as far as anything with Will will go. He fucked up by blowing me off. First time, shame on you, second time, shame on me...I don't take too well to shame-on-me's.
You know, there are very few people in life that get a second chance with me, and that's not just in relationships, that's period. I hold grudges. I don't forgive easily. And I damned sure don't allow someone who shit on me the opportunity to do it again. I lost a really good friend last year after the whole "Allen" thing because he treated his girlfriend the exact same way Allen did me, and I disassociated myself from him. He was like a brother, and he's been trying to get in good again, but I'm leery because I don't condone people that shit on other people. The jury is still out as to whether I'll befriend him again.
I guess we'll all find out together how these things will play out....
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