I'll Just "Build" Myself The "Perfect" Man

Well, my faithful readers, another day, another thought, another blog post. I wonder if any of you get a kick out of my "downtimes" as much as I do? Times when I absolutely have too much time on my hands to think...times when I miss being so far from my family. Here's a thing, though, I miss them when I'm not around them, but after so long of being around them, I'm ready to escape back into the confines of my own little world of serenity...which is, arguably, being alone in Oklahoma. The pros and the cons of moving back to Texas have been weighing on my mind recently, but the actions towards the steps of actually doing it aren't coming to fruition. I guess because I've become comfortable here. I'm yet close enough to where I can get to them when I want to or if I need to, yet far enough to where I truly feel like an established adult out in the world making it on my own. Years ago after Anthony and I broke up, if you'd asked me if I'd thought I'd have still been living in Oklahoma, the answer would have probably been a solid no, but, yet, I've had no motivations to move anywhere else. Of course, I've come close, like when Mason and I discussed me moving to Kansas, or when I was seconds from moving to Nebraska to be closer to Allen, but being that none of those situations panned out, I've come to realize that maybe I'm in Oklahoma for a reason. I've yet to determine the exact reasons as to why I seem to be "stuck" here, but for whatever reason or reasons, my stability is very much a comfort to me right now. So, for now and the foreseeable future, I'll continue to ride it out as an "Okie", and stay in my little "complacent" zone.

Now, I'm done with the whole philosophical venting. Truth be told, I'm very much missing Sven right about now. The whole break up is still fresh (it's only been 2 days), and the routine that we'd established of talking on a regular basis had me so accustomed, that yesterday I deleted his number from my phone to keep from calling him. We had awesome chemistry and a very real emotional connection, and to say that I won't miss that would be an outright lie. I'm kind of feeling it at this point. No, the sexual compatibility wasn't there as I would have liked for it to be, but we were close on so many other levels, we could talk to each other about any and everything, which we did, hours upon hours on the phone together when he wasn't in Oklahoma or I wasn't in New Mexico (it was actually my turn to visit him this week) or we weren't in Amarillo. Every conversation was enlightening for me, and I looked forward to every one of them. For the entire month that we were "officially" a couple, I felt more secure with him than I had with any guy that I can ever recall. The PDA, just being able to snuggle up to him, and the assurance in his voice if something wasn't right in my world for a moment. What I learned in that relationship was that sex, although an important part of a relationship, isn't..........ah, well, I never thought I'd think this, but it really isn't..........everything. And even though he may not have been able to be there for me in that manner as much as he'd have probably desired to be, he definitely offered the emotional and mental connection, and that's something I'd been missing from my very 'first' "love" at the age of 14, until now. Alot of times, a person doesn't realize how important something is, until they no longer have it, and it didn't take me long to realize it. No, I didn't want to deal with the ex-wife, and yes, I wanted to have as much sex as possible, and if it weren't for those two factors, we'd have had the "perfect" relationship. As I mentioned to my cousin just earlier today, I can "physically" connect with anyone (that's never been a problem), but an emotional connection runs so much deeper and holds so much more value. One could argue that the need for sexual satisfaction would probably eventually get the best of me (as you've probably guessed, I can be quite the "horn dog"), but I've had a great share of it, and when I hit menopause age in the VERY FAR (hehe) future, sex probably won't even be something I think about very often. So then what will I have if there's no mental/emotional connection or compatibility? Oh, well. Que' cera cera.

The thing with Justin isn't going anywhere. The more I talk to him, the more I realize he's not even a candidate to be the next Lawrence. I can't even envision having sex with him. For starters, the things I could do to him would probably blow his mind, and then I'd have to deal with his little version of being in "puppy love", and really, I don't want to even bother with it. Granted, his age plays a role in the maturity factor, but I just don't think I like him. I've realized that he's become just "something to do" to bid my time until someone else comes along and catches my attention. Yes, Justin has a great body, yes, he's a cutie, and yes, he'll probably be alot of fun to go to a rock concert with (by the way, he invited me to one with him in a couple of weeks...I've never even heard of the band), but to sit and have a heart-to-heart conversation, to have someone to "get" me and I "get" him, to have that overall general "click", he's not it. He doesn't do it for me. That alone has turned off him doing it for me physically as well. So, while I'm in pursuit of my next "buddy", I've made sure to replenish my supply of AAA batteries. We had them on sale at work this week, 24 pack of Duracell Ultra for $4.99 with my employee discount and a coupon. I bought 3 packs.

While I'm on the subject of buddies, I found myself making a ride by Lawrence's apartment early this morning when I got off of work. His car wasn't there, and I have no idea if he's moved or what. I haven't had a conversation with him since November, and before he got this girlfriend (I'm assuming they're still together because I haven't heard from him), I would have surely been right at his place sometime today. He was always my "go to" guy when I'd be in the dumps. Something about our wild sexcapades always seemed to change my mood. I think he knew that, that's why he always came through for me. He liked me, and I liked him, but as I've stated so many times before, that damned age difference just got me.

Okay, if I had to describe and if I could "build" my "perfect guy", you know, like that experiment on the movie Weird Science, this is what he would be:

**Jake Gyllenhaal's facial features (I'm so in love with this man!!)
**Ryan Gosseling's body & build (I'm quickly becoming a fan)
**Jonah Hill's humor
**John's work ethic
**Daniel's parenting ethic
**Allen's smile & family ethic
**Sven's connection ability, fidelity, & "whatever makes my woman happy" mentality
**Mason's charm
**Wally's charisma, chivalry, respect, & "choose your battles wisely" mentality
**Anthony's....okay, scratch that...there's nothing about Anthony that I remember fondly
**Ron's "clingyness"
**Will's voice
and
**Lawrence's sex


There. That's my "perfect" man. And he'd be ALL MINE! I like that thought. "If I build him...he will come (and he will surely 'cum' as well..hehe) (okay, that was just me being dirty right there..shows where my mind is right now)...." Wishful thinking. As if that type of technology existed on my Dell computer. For all of the men that I've written about that I didn't list, there's nothing about them that I'd throw into the pie. In other words, I'm wondering "why the hell did I ever bother?". Granted, of the men that I've listed above (with the exception of the first 3, whom I don't personally know), there are several other positive attributes of theirs that I'd mix in as well, but the qualities listed are the forerunners on what stands out with me and what my idea of my ideal guy is. Too bad he probably doesn't exist. If he does, he just hasn't found me yet. (Hey, if anyone knows of where I can find the software or hardware, or whatever I need to design, develope, and print him out, please let me know..thank you!)

Ha, I'm so feeling some Michael Buble right now. I can hear the song "I Just Haven't Met You Yet" playing in my head. I think that song will be my new theme song for the time (I think I'll go download it, too). In the mean time, life goes on.

Until the next post, my faithfuls!

It All Started With A Big Bang...BANG!!

Hello again, faithful bloggers! I bet you didn't expect to see me on here so soon, did you? Me being here is inevitable (as so it seems), but the short period of time was unexpected, even for my normal standards. Guess it's just the luck of the draw in my life. However, I will say that for some unknown reason it's not as hard to reminisce any longer.

What brings me here today? The demise of Sven's and my relationship earlier today. I won't go into the detrimental details, as I'd given him my word that I'd never exclusively broadcast (and I'm a woman of my word, regardless), but the summary is 1) the discovery that we're not sexually compatible (I won't elaborate, except to say that I never realized how expensive prescription "aids" are...over the counter, not an option), and 2) there's a little too close of a relationship between him and his ex-wife, one that I wasn't necessarily comfortable with (but wasn't going to make a fuss about...yet...unless it didn't start to dissipate the closer we got), considering they have no children, and he had a girlfriend. Don't get me wrong, my ex-husband and I are on good terms and talk periodically, but there's a limit, and there are boundaries when there's a relationship with someone else. That's that, and all I'm going to say about it. I don't have anything negative to say about Sven. He's a good guy, and every woman's dream when it comes to a man that's emotionally "in tune" with and supportive of a female, and I liked him. Alot. But, alas, our time has run it's course, and I wish him all of the best.

Perhaps I had a pre-break up "glimpse", because under normal circumstances, I'm completely out of the loop with any other guy when I'm in a relationship, unless I have reason to doubt his fidelity. I've never doubted Sven's, so, why a couple of days after he left Oklahoma from us spending a glorious Valentine's Day week together, did I suddenly get an "uh oh" type of feeling? Not the "something's going on" as in the "he's cheating" type of feeling (my radar never even clicked on to that thought with Sven), but the "something's not right" as in "what the hell is this feeling?" type of feeling that gave me a bit of an unfamiliar sink in my gut.

The Saturday after Valentine's Day, I decided to catch a triple feature at the movies. Ghost Rider: Revenge was the second movie I saw (for those that haven't seen it yet, especially in 3D, please, don't waste your money...disappointing is an understatement.."festering horse shit" is more like it, exception, that's insulting to the horse shit). Enter "Justin". I had just gotten comfortable (4th row from the top, second to the end seat) had just put on my "expensive" theater 3D glasses, and began nibbling on my cinnamon sugar pretzel, when two guys are suddenly saying "excuse me" to get through to the seats next to mine. It was dark, as the lights had gone dim to begin the trailers, and my eyes hadn't adjusted very well, but I could see that one of the guys was white, the other was black, and they were obviously there together. Once I let them through, I glanced down their way, and noticed that the white boy (for what I could see in the dark) appeared to be cute. I couldn't see details of him, but his silhouette passing in front of the screen when he was sliding through showed enough for me to realize he had a nice build, and he left a "smell good" scent behind. As my eyes adjusted a little more, I could see him a bit better, and even though he was 3 seats down from me, I saw that he was definitely a cutie. I forced myself not to keep looking his way, even when he leaned forward in his seat, but it was rather hard avoiding it. I maintained in my head that I had a boyfriend, and it was inappropriate to be gawking another man, but I caught myself "nibbling" on my pretzel, trying to be dainty about it, so that if he looked down at me (which he never did), he wouldn't see me stuffing my face.

Fast forward to after the movie. I like to remain until after the credits, just in case there are any special features that play, and I was still seated when his friend and he crossed back. On his way through, he looked down at me and smiled. I heard a soft "hello" come out of his mouth, so I smiled back, and nodded a "hello" in return. I noticed that once they got to the bottom of the stairs, they both hesitated, he said something to his friend, and they both looked my way. I smiled again and quickly started making myself appear to be getting my "things" together (which consisted of my annual refill cup, my pretzel trash, and my 3D glasses wrapper), and tried to avoid looking their way anymore. They finally proceeded to the exit, but he glanced back a time or two. I remained in my seat a while longer (there were no special features) hoping that they'd have cleared the hallway by the time I made it out of the theatre so I wouldn't have to see him again. At that point, I couldn't wait to get out of there and call Sven, though. I needed to hear his awkward, crackly voice something fierce to remind me what I already had. No such luck. The moment I exited, I was caught off guard by a "so, what did you think of the movie?". I knew who it was. "I've seen better" I smiled, and forced myself to keep walking, hoping he'd get the hint. He picked up stride next to me.

Justin: Oh yeah? Yeah, I've seen better, too. But I can't wait for that new Titans movie to come out
Me: Yeah, me neither
Justin: You plan on seeing it in 3D?
(what the hell? is this guy not getting the hint that I haven't stopped walking?)
Me: More than likely. I have 2 other pair of 3D glasses in my car now that I'll probably never use, so I'll sneak someone else in with me and get 2 for the price of 1 then
Justin: (laughing) Right. Oh, by the way, my name is Justin
(he'd stopped and extended his hand. The only polite thing to do was the same)
Me: R
Justin: Nice to meet you, R. You come to this theater often?
Me: Yeah, this is my regular little hang out spot when I'm bored. I should invest stock in this theater. Between the ticket prices and the concessions, I could replenish my spendings in no time
Justin: (laughing) I'll bet
Me: I'm actually running late getting into my next movie. It started 5 minutes ago, and I've got to go get my popcorn and drink refill, so, you have a good one
Justin: Well, hey, do you have a phone number or something? Maybe we can see the Titan movie together
(here's that "uh oh" feeling moment I mentioned. Shit)
Me: Uhm, yeah

He pulled out his cell phone, and plugged my number in as I gave it to him. Totally out of character for me to have done that. That's the beginning of the time when I knew something just wasn't right. With his words that he'd be in contact, I hurried away to the concession stand without so much of a glance behind me. "That wasn't anything. He'll never use my number, so what am I tripping about?" I thought. I encouraged myself with the thought of knowing that even though I hadn't been to the gym in a while (Sven said I didn't need to go anymore..I look good just as I am), I was still attractive. That's all that was. An ego boost.

After my movie, I rushed to my car and called Sven, which settled me considerably. I quickly dismissed the thought that I'd ever hear from Justin, and forgave myself (and swore not to do it again) for crossing that line of giving another man my phone number when I finally had a good boyfriend. I didn't tell Sven about my encounter, as, in my mind, there was no need to, because again, that was nothing. Wrong. Justin text me later that night. It was nothing major. Just a casual "are you busy" type of text. I responded thinking that would be the end of it. Wrong again. He called. Oh my geeze! What have I gotten myself into?? I needed to shut that down. Fast. This whole scenario was wrong. I figured I'd stop this cold when I asked how old he was. He looked extremely young, so I just knew that our age difference would be a deterring factor for him. I was right. He's 10 years younger. Oh, shit. When I tell him how old I am, I won't hear from him anymore. Damn. Third strike. Turns out the last girl he dated was actually 4 years older than me, so he's into older women! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Okay, but all I have to do is tell him that I have a boyfriend, and he'll go away. What the hell? Is he a clinger or something? I got the words that he's content being a friend, because he's new to the city (from Arkansas), and would just like to get to know some new people. That would be rather difficult for me to do with him, because he was attractive, and I had a boyfriend, so it's a no-can-do. But I didn't tell him that. I agreed to be "just friends" in light of the circumstances.

I wasn't expecting Justin to want to have constant communication with me. After our "longer than intended" conversation that night, we hung up on the pretenses of being in touch "later". I didn't realize his "later" consisted of texting me first thing the next morning. Okay. This is getting dangerous. I needed to find something that would keep anything aside from us being "just friends" at bay. I got that dirt when he called me later that evening. Turns out, Justin has a recent "not so proud of" past that is a complete deal breaker for me, so that assuaged my fears of ever thinking beyond a "friendship" with him. If anything ever happened between Sven and me, at most, Justin could possibly be my "new" Lawrence.

No, I didn't anticipate the demise of Sven's and my relationship, but as a friend of mine posted on FaceBook one time "have you ever gotten that 'uh oh' feeling when you know you've just witnessed the beginning of the end?" The minute I gave Justin my number, I had just witnessed that moment. And here we are, less than a week later, that moment came.

Justin has been texting me and calling me everyday since we met. I don't see any harm now in hanging out with him a bit. He seems fun, so we'll see just how "fun" he is.

So, I'm sure as my life rolls along, there will be some updates. May not be as often as I'd like, but, hey, you never know. Here it is, I didn't think I'd be posting about the break up of a relationship less than 3 total months in the making, but it happened. With me, you just never know. Hell, I never know. We'll find out together, though.

Oh, and as far as how I feel about the breakup? I don't. I'm numb. I like it like that, and for now, I prefer it that way.

Hearts Like Mine Get Lucky Sometimes

An Experience. That sums up Sven's and my first meeting. The road to Amarillo was long and rocky. For him.

Sven had called me several times during the night the morning we were to meet. The thought was that since his journey is ideally shorter than mine time-wise, he'd arrive before I did, but, theoretically he wouldn't have to wait long, if at all, for me to arrive due to my driving style. That's not what happened. Remember, Sven had gotten a cell phone, which would definitely come in handy taking a trip, but somehow the previous night had misplaced it (he's since found it). Lovely. Luckily, I'd already mapped out an exact meeting point and approximate meeting time for us, so unless he had a hard time with directions, there should still be no issues with our plans. That's what I thought. Since he'd become cellularly impaired, he'd purchased a calling card to use at pay phones so that he'd be able to communicate with me while we were on the road. I didn't realize that he'd be stopping every hour to update me on his location, but the gesture was sweet, to say the least. Sven was insistent on beginning his journey approximate 2 1/2 hours before I began mine, which in my mind, that would put him waiting for me longer than I'd originally wanted, but considering his lack of road knowledge, that would slow him down a bit, and we were yet looking at arriving about the same time.

I arrived in Amarillo at the meeting point at my intended time. Sven had called me an hour previous informing me that he'd had a fender bender at a gas station (he'd backed into another vehicle), was wrapping up the finalities with that, but would be along shortly. Good grief! Whatever. In my mind, "shortly" meant maybe 30 minutes or so, but it turned into almost 2 hours. Irritation began to creep in, and doubts about the whole ordeal began to set in. "He left 2 hours before me, so he should have been here by now. What the hell?" He wasn't good with estimating the distance of his whereabouts, nor the estimated time of arrival, I was PMSing and hungry (I'd decided to wait to eat), and was ready to just call the whole thing off. Before he arrived, I'd considered just leaving and heading back to Oklahoma, but decided against it, because if he really was on his way (the different phone numbers he was calling me from told me that he in fact was really travelling), then that would be extremely rude of me to do with no way of contacting him to let him know. I'm a firm believer in karma, so I decided to continue to wait, and try not to let my aggravation get the best of me. Sven called one last time to let me know he was on the outskirts of Amarillo, and would be at the meeting point soon. Yeah, Dude, that's what you said over an hour ago. But, at least he had the consideration to call, so that eased me a bit.

I'm glad I did wait. When he pulled into the parkinglot, I instantly knew who he was. We'd forgotten to discuss the color of our vehicles, but I knew what he drove, and he knew what I drove, and I was the only idiot sitting in an otherwise empty lot, so spotting each other wasn't an issue. Funny as hell is the only term I can use to describe the situation when I saw his car. It looked like someone had done a bad wax job on it, as there were all sorts of crazy swirls and white rings on the dark color. What the hell? I was too annoyed to laugh, but he was smiling from ear to ear. Well, at least he looks better in person than all of the pictures I'd seen. His movements were awkward as he parked and got out of his car, glancing at me the whole time (I didn't even bother getting out to hug him), I told him to park his car in another spot (where it had no possibility of being towed) and come get in with me so we could go get something to eat. He was already 2 1/2 hours late, my hormones were raging, I was starving, and wasn't in the mood for friendly "firsts". He was still very chipper when he got into my car and tried introductions, and was apologizing immensely. I stopped him and told him "I'm hungry, and my hormones are out of whack, so let's get something to eat so I can settle down before we try this so I won't snap at you, okay?" He was surprisingly calm and agreed. I wasn't in the mood for his upbeat attitude at that moment, but I felt a little bad that even though we'd been talking on the phone and emailing for the better part of a month, my attitude probably wasn't coming across as a positive first impression. He rolled with it, though, and maintained that spark that he'd had.

We arrived at the restaurant, and once I got a little food in my stomach, I settled down a bit. Sven, as I learned quickly, is the type that will do what it takes to make a woman that he's into happy, and that's one of the first things I noticed when he took off his hat at the table. He'd told me before that he preferred to keep his hair cut buzzed, all of his recent pictures that I'd seen had him with a buzz cut, but he had just one picture of him having long hair from a few years back. I guess he got the hint of my preference from me complimenting that particular picture so much that he'd started letting his hair grow out (I hadn't known that his hair is dark blond). Hmm. I had to smile when I saw that, and I knew right then and there, that this man is special. My attitude changed completely at that moment, and instantly, the atmosphere became more serene. Our meal was extremely pleasant, we laughed, we talked, we shared. We even have it in common to notice little things about fellow diners that we joke about. Yeah, I'm going to like him, I thought. He has piercingly gorgeous funny-colored eyes (can't quite determine if they're green or blue), and eyelashes just long and curly enough to compliment them. Between his funny accent, his slow-yet-precise English words pronunciation, his awkward ways, his sense of humor, his chivalry, and his eagerness to want to please me, I think this one is different from any others I'd ever dealt with...including Allen. The bonus is, he's extremely attractive. Tall, handsome, and hot. Pictures don't do him justice on any level.

We left the restaurant and decided to explore Amarillo, as neither of us had ever been there before and knew absolutely nothing about it. He was patient with me when I discovered the mall and had to do some shoe shopping. That was an extra brownie point for him. I felt comfortable enough by that time to grab his hand. His reciprocation in the comfort of that move let me know he'd possibly been toying with the aspect of taking mine, but probably wasn't sure what I'd think or how I'd react (I later found out that was the case). Our time in Amarillo ended entirely too soon, and we had to go our respective ways...he had to be at work early the next morning. When I took him back to his car, we shared a short passionate kiss, a long meaningful hug, said our goodbyes, and agreed to be in touch soon.

I was still a bit unsure what was to become of this situation when I left, but I reminded myself that I'd just let things flow as they may. I'd added him to Facebook, so when I arrived home, I posted the message on his wall "if you're reading this, that means you've arrived home safely. Thank you for everything. I miss you and can't wait to see you again". I wasn't sure how he'd react to that (his ex-wife is on his page), but when he replied "home, yes. and I can't wait either", I knew then he was really into me and didn't care who saw what we exchanged between each other on Facebook. The kicker was a few days later when I received a card in the mail.

"Thank You. You just being you makes all the difference. It took me some time to pick this card out, and those words say exactly what I want them too. Our time together was amazing, and I look forward to many more times like that"

Yep, he's a keeper. I was so excited by receiving that, I immediately called my mom gushing to her about it. Not only was I not expecting that, but the sincerity behind the words and the fact that he took the time out to do something like that really hit a spot with me. Conversations progressed between us, and I moved into a whole other level of comfort with him. He'd started asking me about progressing our relationship. I admitted to him that I really like him, it felt right, but there was a bit of hesitation on my part. I was truly scared. He understood and verbalized his summation that because of things feeling right with other guys in the past, but then blowing up in my face, he could see how I'd feel that way. He assured me that there was no pressure, but when I was ready, he'd be ready.

2012 was already underway, but there was one last thing I had to do.

"Happy New Year, Allen. I'm glad to see you're over your fear of commitment and finally found someone that makes you happy and is worth your 'friends' respecting. Happy for you :)"

"Happy New Year, R. I am happy thanks. I hope you are well and ready for a new year :)"

"I'm very well. Thanks. So far 2012 has been phenomenal to me, and I'm excited to see how the rest of it goes =)"

 Good. At least he's responding. I'd just proceed with what I needed to say and get it over with.

"I don't want a response to this, just had to clear you out of my head and heart in 2012. You hurt me bad for dumping me because of me feeling disrespected. And more because the new girls get the respect I didn't. The 'love' shown between you and your 'friends' when we were together, the constant texts from them when we'd be together, I didn't know where I stood. 2 weeks before your status change with this girl you said you're scared of commitment, yet I never knew where I stood with you and then you couldn't tell me what I was to you. All of that. Please don't do this new girl like that. I wish you the best"

And just like that, I released Allen. Now, I can see where things take me with Sven. I don't ever want to put him in a place where the "other men's" indiscretions affect my views of him. So far, he's proven himself different. I determined I was ready to move forward into a relationship with him. We changed our status' on Facebook (OMG, guys I hadn't heard from in ages came out of the woodwork when that happened!), we've both got pictures of us together on our profile pictures, and I'm enjoying him treating me like the queen that I was meant to be treated as. His mother and I are friends on Facebook as well, and we check in with each other from time to time. She's a wonderful woman, and makes sure Sven is behaving like she raised him to. I think that's funny, and cute, but it means alot, because he and his mother are extremely close, and I know that a man that's close to his mother will treat his woman right. I don't think I'll have any worries in that department at all. Now, all he has to do is get used to me being me, and me treating him like the king that he'd never been treated like (it amazes me that his ex-wife was so lacksidaisy with their marriage), and deserves to be treated like. We take turns visiting each other every 2 weeks, and he's even mentioned selling his house, transferring with his job, and moving to Oklahoma eventually. I know it's been a short time, but he obviously knows what he wants, I know what I want, and we'll see if we accomplish our goals together. We're enjoying getting to know each other, and loving every minute of it. I don't know where we'll end up, how things are going to play out, only God knows, but for now, I'm willing to sit back and find out. We will see.

People of blogsville, I appreciate you journeying with me thus far, through the highs and lows of my dating life. There have been several others that have played a role in my life that weren't worth mentioning here (very insignificant people), but you've gotten the jest of why I am how I am, and ever striving to be a better girl. I can't say this will be the last entry (you never know what the future holds), but as for now, I'm going to lavish in the joy of Sven's and my relationship. I'm happy again.

In the meantime, I wish and bid you all well......until my next blog entry.......

R 

On The Road Again

I find it quite funny that just yesterday I blogged about not hearing from Will in almost 2 months, and last night, he text me, out of the blue, inviting me to a Motocross show with him this weekend. I'd deleted him from my phone, and wouldn't have even known who it was if he hadn't signed his name to the text. Who is he kidding? He's on my Facebook, so I know he's seen that I'm in a relationship now, so why on earth is he reaching out to me? I politely declined his invitation, to which he tried a little more aggressively to persuade me, before I finally just shot him down coldly. I don't care. When I wanted to do things with him, he was MIA, so now that I'm finally happy again, I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure things stay that way. Ha. Sucks for him. I haven't been to that girl's page to see what's going on with her, and you know what, I really don't even care anymore, so I'm not even going to check.....okay, just out of morbid curiosity I might, but it's nothing I'm sweating about.

And, my good friend Mason is feeling the fire as well. Last I'd heard from him was when he sent me a Facebook email saying "Well, Merry Christmas. I might as well wish a good one to all of my enemies no matter how bad they try to fuck me over", and it had been a few months before that since any other communication. Of course, I never responded to that, and I guess his little ego was crushed that I never did. He's obviously been stalking my page again, because he sent me some sort of off-the-wall message last night saying how I'm ruining his life and causing a rift by talking to his family, I lied to him, and somehow he figures I owe him money. One of his brothers is the only one on my Facebook, and we have sporadic conversation, which usually revolves around Greenbay football, and just seeing how each other's doing. Mason's name hasn't come up between us in at least 6 months. What he's referring to about me lieing is completely beyond me, just some shit he's making up in his head, and the money issue, I'm guessing he's regretting all of the gifts he bought for me when we were together. Simply put, they were gifts, and definitely not ones that I asked for. He's trying to get a reaction out of me, and since that's not happening, he's not happy. Better yet, he's just sick in the head. He thrives on drama, and I'm not feeding that bear any longer. I so wish he'd just move on with his little girlfriend in Florida, or whoever the current flavor is, live happily ever after, and leave me the fuck alone before I do block his ass and take his harassment up with his Major or Corporal (I have ways of finding out who they are..Mason isn't the only one in the military that I know). That wouldn't be very nice, but if he wants to play dirty, he's picked the wrong girl to tango with. At first, his little quips for attention were funny and amusing, but now, he's just starting to piss me off. As I've said before, I do have a very vindictive side, with a touch of manipulative maliciousness and slight psychosis, that can surface under the most extreme of circumstances. That side lays dormant until someone like Mason or Jackie awakes it. I just credit it all to being a true Scorpio. I wear the scorpion tatoo to prove it, so all are forewarned.

Okay. Back to my "happy" place.

I wasn't expecting the message I received from Sven. I was touched that the first thing he did was apologize for taking so long to respond to my flirt, explaining that he didn't have a paid membership at the time to message me. I thought it awfully cute that he'd offer a reason to me, not knowing if I was truly even interested, but because I'd only sent a flirt, I was flattered that he obviously signed up in order to message me. My paid membership had expired, and because I was planning to remove my account, I wasn't paying again. I didn't know if I was the only one he was reaching out to, but just the time sequence was enough to make me smile and feel special. I replied to his message letting him know why I sent the flirt, and that sparked a series of messages between us. For a Swede having been in the U.S. for only 8 years, his English vocabulary is very extensive. I was enjoying our conversations, but some of our exchanges were entirely too deja-vu for me, taking me back to when Allen and I first started communicating.

I didn't want to read too much into this, because I'd been in this place before, and didn't want to get my hopes up getting too excited behind someone I was meeting online that could very well pan out to be another dead-head. So, we kept the conversations light, even though they were extensive, and proceeded in getting to know each other as much as words on a computer will allow. It wasn't very long before we moved our conversation offline. I wanted to hear how he sounded. I'd never personally known anyone from Sweden, and I wanted to hear his accent. Outside of television, I'd never heard Swedish talk before. He didn't disappoint me, because he sounds just like the Swede's I'd heard on TV. His accent is extremely thick, and his sentences slow (he tries hard to make sure he properly pronounces each English word), with the peaks at the end of each one, but his words are very clear. It was funny and cute the first time we talked, because I thought TV exaggerated that...it doesn't. Sven didn't have a cell phone, and I thought that completely odd, because, who doesn't have a cell phone? I was a bit leery of this revelation, and my first thoughts were maybe he just didn't want me to have his cell number for whatever reason. But then I thought, if that were the case, if he had something to hide, wouldn't it be more detrimental for him with me having his home phone number? After that thought, my tensions eased up, and I realized that my "jaded suspicions" were trying to kick in. Calm down, R. This man deserves his own chance. My cell phone plan offers unlimited anytime-any-mobile, with unlimited nights and weekends (for all other phone types), but I only have a limited amount of minutes for landlines. I told Sven of this, and made him aware that our talk time would be limited to off-peak times. That obviously wasn't good enough for him, because next thing I know, he'd invested in a cell phone just to be able to converse with me during on-peak times. That spoke volumes to me. It's a pre-paid plan, but it's a start, and I was starting to get the impression that this man was probably serious about dealing with me. He'd gone out of his way to make an investment in something that he probably otherwise had no use for just to be able to talk to me, so to say I was impressed would be an understatement. "How do you know he didn't already have one?" is a question I could hear echoing, but, when he's sitting on the phone (his landline) with me trying to figure out how to turn the cell phone on, how to add the minutes to it, and trying to figure out how the phone operates (he seemed genuinely confused by the whole thing, and he was getting frustrated by it), that let me know this was definitely something new to him. Nobody I've ever crossed would go through that much trouble just to try and cover a lie about a cell phone. Really. It's not that serious.

It started getting to the point between us that all of our free time was spent on the phone together. We'd talk for hours, and never run out of things to talk about. At first, I didn't know how to react to the fact that there's someone who actually wanted to talk to me so frequently, and without the conversation of sex EVER coming up. He wanted to talk, like, all the time: when he'd wake up, sometimes before he'd go to work (he has to be at work at 5 a.m. MST), during his lunch, when he'd get off work, and then most of the night if I was off work or before I went to work, and if we weren't talking, he was emailing me. Even though things were flowing so smoothly between us, I yet wasn't sure where this was going, where I wanted it to go, and I tried to keep things at a distance. This territory was familiar and unfamiliar at the same time, and I had mass confusion about which angle to play it from. I finally got to the point where I decided to relinquish control of the situation, not trying to force it in one way or the other, and just let it flow as it may. If something panned out, then great, if not, besides some major phone and computer time, I wasn't invested for it to matter.

Christmas came and went, we were well underway with our communication, and we decided we needed to meet. We collaborated our schedules, and determined that just after New Year's would be perfect. I found out that he's not an experienced driver. Outside of the town that he lives in, he's never driven anywhere. He said he never drove in Sweden, and had only had his license in the U.S. for around 3 years. Freeways and highways were foreign to him when it came to operating a vehicle. What the hell? Is he serious? I found that hard to believe at first, but just like with the cell phone situation, he made me realize he was being truthful. My normal stance is if a man wants to meet me, he has to come to where I am the first time (after that, I don't mind going to him, and it's fair game on either side), and if I'm in a really good mood, I'll meet him at a half-way point. But just how the hell are Sven and I going to do this since he's never driven outside of his town? I determined that it would be best to meet half-way, but I still had some concern about him taking on a highway for the first time in his life. This wasn't going to be easy. He seemed extremely eager to make it work, though, so the destination point was set for Amarillo, Tx. Amarillo is a little more than half-way for me, and that meant a little more travel time on my half, but, under the circumstances, I'd make the exception this one time. When I say Sven was eager, that's actually an understatement. He didn't sleep at all the night before we were to meet, because he was calling me at all hours of the night. I was enjoying my sleep, so until I woke up early the morning of, I didn't realize how many calls I'd missed from him, and saw that in conjunction, he'd sent me emails as well, reinforcing his excitement. I had to laugh to keep from being upset, because this was going a bit overboard. Mother nature had kicked in, so my grouch level was at a bit of a peak, but I determined that since this man is showing this much interest, I'm going to bask in it...while it lasts.

That trip to Amarillo...boy, was that an experience....he was right about his driving.

Just When All Hope Was Gone...

God love my mother. She's as bad as I am viewing people through rose colored glasses. She was well aware of everything that had transpired between Allen and me (she and I have a very close relationship like that), but she yet stood by her thoughts of "he's a good man, he just has some mental issues he needs to work through". She doesn't always put that much faith in people (especially guys that I date), because there've been several guys that I've dealt with that she didn't care for at all. One thing I will say, though, is she somehow always seems to be right about the guys in my life. Why she can't always make accurate judgement of men in her own life is beyond me, but when it comes to me and her calls on my love life, she's batting 1000.

My Mom: R, why don't you see if he wants to come to Texas with you for Thanksgiving? That way we can finally meet him and he can meet us
Me: Mom, he's not going to come. Even though he says he's single again, I'm sure he's got his head up some other females butt, and isn't thinking about me or y'all
My Mom: You don't know that. It doesn't hurt to ask
Me: Whatever. No, I don't know that, but if I know Allen, I'm pretty sure that I'm right. He's not the type to be without female companionship. You see his pattern
My Mom: Well, why don't you just ask him to make sure?
Me: Okay. I'll shoot him a text, but I can't make any guarantees of him accepting the invitation

I thought long and hard about doing that. My better judgement would tell me not to even bother asking Allen to accompany me, because even though I already knew how it would play out and he'd reject it, I didn't want to actually see his rejection. But, I'd given my mother my word that I would, so I did. I waited a few days after her and my conversation before I did it, but eventually I got around to it.

Me: (via text) Hey, you. I hope all is well. I'm going to Texas this year for Thanksgiving and wanted to know if you'd like to come with?
Allen: That might be fun. When are you leaving?
Me: I'll leave Wednesday and return Friday
Allen: I'm sorry, I've been drinking a little
Me: LOL. No problem. Enjoy yourself. You deserve it. Just let me know, okay?
Allen: Okay, I will

And that was that. Even though he didn't immediately say "no", something told me that his open-ended response would lead to a "no", so I didn't get my hopes up. I told my mom of Allen's words, and she said that she'd message him on Facebook to reinforce the invitation. Why we were going through all of this with and for a man that couldn't give two shits about me is beyond me. I had no doubts that Allen would respond to my mother's Facebook message (remember, they had a decent relationship inspite of never meeting), but I was hoping that when he let her down, she'd begin to see him in the same light that I now viewed him. Once again, it was the classic case of "I hate you...because I love you".

Facebook's streaming (for anyone familiar with it) shows when people friend people, and one day not long after, I noticed my stream showed that Allen had friended a girl that we'll call "Laura". My stomach immediately started churning, because something about Laura told me this was Allen's latest conquest. I resisted the urge to check out her page, determining that if she indeed was his latest, I surely had no desire to see what "joy" and "love" he brought to her life, and visa-versa, that didn't happen between him and me. I'd gotten enough of that from the previous girlfriend's posts on his page. I tried not to think about it, because he hadn't changed his relationship status, but that strong feeling about her wouldn't go away. I might as well go ahead and get the rejection out of the way now.

Me: (via text) Hey, would you do me a favor and let my mom know that you have no interest in coming to Texas with me? She's got some delusional thoughts about our friendship, and maybe she'll understand if it comes from you that you're not trying to deal with me or my family on that level

It took him a while to respond. I guess he had to ponder on exactly what he was going to say.

Allen: (via text) I'll message your mother

That's it? You'll message my mother? That was a bit of a slap in the face. No counter to what I said, just "I'll message your mother". I knew what he was going to say, maybe not verbatim, but I had a guess of the jest.

Me: (via text) Thank you. Look, it's not that I wouldn't like for you to accompany me and I would enjoy your company on the trip, but I know you've got alot going on and you stay busy..so...

Yeah, but not so busy that he couldn't keep dealing with other women. He never responded to that, but my mom did tell me that he messaged her back politely declining the invitation to attend Thanksgiving with us. I already knew that and told her that he's too busy with his head up this new girl's butt to think about us. Maybe now she'd leave it alone and move along like I'd been trying to make myself do for almost a year.

I was done with him, but I wasn't done with him. Thanksgiving came and went. Another holiday spent single. You'd think I'd be used to it, but, somehow, I wasn't. Holidays are supposed to be family days, and although I have my immediate family, my extended family, and my "family" of close friends, the feeling of being incomplete sets in being single on those days. And as if things couldn't get any grimmer, on my arrival back from Texas, Lawrence called me to tell me he'd met a woman that things were getting serious with. Great. There goes my buddy. I was disappointed, but I knew it would happen sooner or later. I didn't expect that things would continue between us the way they were forever, but the timing on that sucked ass majorly. Right then and there, I knew our escapading days were over. Forever. Not that we couldn't still communicate, but again, Lawrence knows how I operate when it comes to things like that ("booty buddies not allowed"), and our association would be limited to Facebook. I thanked him for making me aware, but silently envied the new girl. Lawrence was everything a girl could want, including myself, I just couldn't get past our age difference. Oh, well. I don't know how he'd been single as long as he had, because what girl wouldn't find him attractive...in every aspect. Literally, he's tall, naturally tanned, handsome, great body, intelligent, well-to-do financially, awesome sense of humor, a master in bed.......damn.......my loss.

I needed to get that one last cry out over everything. My heart had been hurting for several years, and had never completely recovered, and with each loss, that just chipped away more and more at what I'd hoped was a stable foundation. That's when I realized that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I had a couple of days of a "boo-hoo" fest, and then decided I had one more thing to do. I hadn't heard anything from Will, he hadn't posted (that I could see) anything on Facebook, that girl hadn't posted anything relevant (other than a few posts about them hanging out together), but another friend of his had tagged him in some posts about partying. So much for him being so depressed and distraught. I decided I was going to sit down and write him a long email explaining how he'd affected me, how he'd taken my mind off of Allen (against my better judgement in doing that..that was giving him too much power), and wishing him the best with this girl. I was surprised when he responded a few days later telling me that he's not seeing anyone seriously (bullshit), and he apologized for the lack of our communication. Said he'd been in the hospital again (mmmhhhmm. I'm sure), and he wanted to meet me as soon as possible. Really, now? Okay, so let me see what's going on then. The day after I received his message, I tried calling him. Of course, no answer. When he'd called me to break our first scheduled meeting, the phone number that he'd called me from was yet in my phone (shows how many different numbers call me), so I decided to call the number back. It was his job. I asked to speak to him, and they transferred me to his extension. No answer, but the voicemail was his voice. I hung up, dialed that number again, anonymously, just in case he had caller ID at work, and guess what? THE BASTARD ANSWERED THE PHONE!

Will: Will speaking
Me: Good afternoon, sir. I'm glad to see you're still alive
Will: (silence)
Me: Hello?
Will: Hey. Yeah, I'm here. Hi
Me: Hi. Look, I still had this number in my phone from the last time you called me, and just decided to try calling it back. I didn't realize it was your job, but I wanted to make sure you were still alive and doing ok
Will: Yeah, I'm ok. I was in the hospital again for a while for observation. Sorry. But, hey, can I call you back?
Me: Yeah. No problem

Sucker. I sent him a text telling him that I didn't mean to catch him off guard with the call, but since he never answered his cell or responded to texts, the only thing I could think to do was call the last number he'd called me from. He responded saying he was glad that I was concerned about him and cared enough to check up on him, and would call me later. As if that later ever came. He did send me a text a few days later saying that he was in an emotional slump and wanted to see me, he wished there was a way for us to get together soon. Ah, so him and the girl must be on the outs. I went to her Facebook, and saw that she'd recently updated her status to something about "just because you don't see her crying on the outside, doesn't mean she's not crying on the inside. Why can't I just be happy?" or some shit like that. I figured as much. I text him back telling him that whatever I could do to help his mood, I'd be willing to do. Let's see where that leads. He did respond saying that I could help by having my way with him and his body. I knew something along those lines were on his agenda. Knowing that that would never happen, I text back saying "you read my mind. Just let me know when and where". No response. I haven't heard from Will from that day to this. Oh, but the girl's mood has changed, because she tagged him in some post of her's saying how she's "blessed to have a 'special friend' in her life that loves her for who she is", and he checked the "like" button on it. Ha! Good bye, Will. I can't say it was fun playing with you, but I enjoyed the little mental escape for the short time that it lasted.

I guess Allen was in my subconscious just as much as he was in my conscious. I had a dream shortly there after about him and Laura being together, so I sent him a text asking him.

Me: (via text) You're seeing someone else now?
Allen: Why you say that?
Me: I had a dream, and I'd rather ask than depend totally on my dreams for info
Allen: I am kinda. I date, people I meet through friends, but I'm still single

Yeah. Whatever. For then.

Me: Can you answer something for me, please? And please be completely honest
Allen: Sure
Me: How can you just move on with your life so easily? You said you weren't and didn't think you'd ever be ready for a relationship, but yet you immediately started dating again, and then you jumped right back into a relationship shortly after? And why is it you refuse to be close to me and associate with me like you did with your other "friends" when we were together? How can you do that?
Allen: I don't know what you mean. But I didn't jump right into one. It was a little time after when I did. And I found out later that was a mistake

Wow. He called that relationship a "mistake"? Hmmm. I wonder how many people he'd said that to about me.

Me: Well, I'd just like to know how you can do that. It hurts to know you can move on so easily and I've been single every since we broke up. You made an imprint on my life far worse than any other man in my life. That should show the difference between what I felt for you and others. I want to move on but hadn't been able to
Allen: I don't know. Maybe just emotions. Maybe scared of commitment, not getting over my son. I don't know, R. As much as I'd like to say I'm stable, I'm not. I'm screwed up. Damaged goods
Me: You're not damaged goods, Allen. And anyone that expects you to get over your son is a fool. You never will, but it's learning to cope. So what was I? Just a temporary bandage?
Allen: No
Me: Was I just emotions, then? Knowing what I really was would help
Allen: I don't know, R. I know that isn't fair to you, but that's just me being honest

So, he's back to playing on my emotions about his son, just like my father had warned me he was doing all along. Yeah, I never mentioned that my dad never had a good feeling about Allen from the beginning. It's funny, because I don't talk to my dad about guys I'm seeing. My mother, yes, but being that I'm a "daddy's girl", I'm alot like a guy that's close to his mother in that aspect...not everyone is worthy of meeting daddy. So, for me to even mention a man to my father, that guy's got to be something really special to me. It didn't help that when I told my father and step-mother about Allen, without them even knowing much about him, they immediately told me to break away from him. They weren't picking up good feelings about him. Now I see why.

Me: Thank you for your honesty. That's helped

Allen's being "single" didn't last long, because within 2 weeks, his status changed to "in a relationship" with....guess who....Laura. My dreams nor my intuition have lead me astray all this time. It was just a matter of time. I was still fighting the urge to see if I could see anything she posted on her page (I still hadn't checked), but so far, she hadn't done anything on his. He hadn't said anything about her, either. I thought that strange, being that when we were together, he'd post about us, and even when he was with the recent ex-girlfriend, he was posting things about her, so why hasn't he said anything about this girl? Suddenly, it hit me. It's one of three things. Either he's embarrassed about jumping into another relationship so soon after his last girlfriend, or he's "just not that into" her enough to post about her, or...and this is a long shot, but very probable...he really does like her, and he's just protecting her from the "vultures", so as long as he's silent, then the chances of them rearing their heads is slim. Even though they could see his status, nobody really pays attention to that stuff unless they go to someone's page looking for it. As long as that's not happening, Laura is safe. Good strategy. Wish I'd have gotten it so easy. What's done is done. Life goes on.

Allen's not being able to tell me what I was to him was the stimulation I needed for my heart to finally be in conjunction with my head. Would there still be some care left? Of course, but the "hopes", "thoughts", and "dreams" of a reunion between Allen and me were no longer there. It amazed me that the little words "I don't know" could have such a big effect.

Now it was time for me to delete my online dating profiles. There was alot I needed to process, and I needed a clear head with no distractions to do it. The day that I was in the process of doing it, I took one last search through the guys on one of the sites. I was just browsing with no intent of making contact with anyone, but I came across a profile of one guy that stood out. His profile picture wasn't the clearest, nor the best of quality, but when I clicked on his page, I didn't expect what I got. Aside from the profile picture, he had 2 other pictures on his page, one of him in his Halloween costume, and the other, a photoshopped picture with his face considerably blown up. None of his pictures gave a clear view of what he really looked like, but his profile was of interest. He's looking for "long term" only, divorced, no kids but wants some, employed, from Sweden (he's a legal U.S. citizen), and, obviously, into interracial dating. Hm. Interesting combination. I read a little further. He seemed extremely real and genuine in his paragraph. Alot of guys do, and then the "real" them comes out, but something about the fact that he was bold enough to post pictures like that on his page showed he has a sense of humor. I like a good sense of humor. What I picked up from that was the vibe of "if you're going to like me, you're going to like me, regardless", whether the pictures advertised him as a GQ model, or as someone that should be on the cover of a comic book. I had to send him a flirt, just to let him know that I got his humor, and thought it was cute.

I didn't think much more about it, but I didn't remove the page right away, just in case he flirted back. A few days later, I got not only a "flirt", I also got a message from Sven.

Rumor Has It

Happy day, people of blogsville! I apologize for my extended absence, and lack of update, however, I just returned from some of the best few days visiting my Sven in New Mexico. I yet haven't gotten to the story of him yet, but it will be here soon...I promise. So, without any further adue, I now return to the regularly scheduled timeline of events......

"Pure genius! I just had to message you and let you know that your profile is absolutely amazing. I have never seen a woman sum things up the way that you did, and be so realistic on the outlook of life. You're gorgeous as well. I don't know if you'd be interested in me, but I'd love to hear from you. If not, then I wish you all of the best."

These were the words that greeted me on the dating site. Remember I said that I view profiles before responding in order to know how to respond? That's exactly what I did, and boy, was I not disappointed. Will wasn't my normal in the aspect that his head is clean shaved (I'm more partial to hair), his goatee was longer than my standard attraction to (I prefer shorter, cleaner looks), and judging from his pictures, he looked like a bit of a partier. What made me decided to look deeper and read his information section was first, he only listed that he was looking for a long term relationship (listings of short term are a major turn off to me), he's a widower (the wife had committed suicide ealier in the year), former military, and he's gainfully employed in the health industry. He did have one picture of himself with a little hair on his head, and his face was clean shaved, making it easier for me to see his features better, and I made the determination that he's actually not bad looking. The bonus, he lives right here in Oklahoma. He lives in the same town that Jones lives in, but that made no nevermind, because their personalities (judging from his profile) would put them running with totally different groups, and the possibility of them knowing each other would be slim to none. Alot of what he said in his profile matched my requirements, and he only has 2 children, they're both from a previous marriage, but he wants more. My interest level shot up.

I messaged him back thanking him for the compliments, described a little about what was going on with me at the time, and invited him to respond, which he did. We exchanged a few online emails before he inquired about taking our communication offline. I was flattered by his approach to asking, so I sent him my phone number thinking that I'd hear from him soon considering how flawlessly our communication was flowing. I waited. And waited. And waited a bit more before I wrote him off thinking that I may never hear from him. He hadn't been online in a while (I'd added him to my "favorites" list and it tells their login history), so I figured he'd either found someone else, or he'd gotten super busy and the current wasn't good timing for him. Either way, I mentally wished him the best.

Almost 2 weeks later, my phone rang with an unfamiliar number. I hadn't given my number to anyone else, so I instantly knew it was him. I surprised him when I answered saying his name, but he apologized immensely for taking so long to contact me saying he'd been extremely busy. The conversation was brief due to the fact that I was getting ready to go to work, but we talked long enough for me to find out a little more about what was going on in his life at the time, the incidents surrounding his wife's suicide, and about his children. We made plans to continue the conversation when I got off work that day, and he assured me that he was looking forward to it. There was nothing in the conversation that gave me a red flag pertaining to him, other than I did question if it would be a good idea to get involved with him so soon after his wife's death. He said they'd been together 10 years, married for 6 of those, and she was his bestfriend. I'd learned my lesson about those things being that Allen's son had passed away mere months before our meeting, and we see how that turned out. Everything from lack of communication to our breakup seemed to be an excuse due to that, so I was not interested in going through that again. But, I figured that Will and I could take our time, just get to know each other, and if all else failed, we'd wound up as good friends.

When I got off work that evening, I sent him a text inquiring if it was a good time to talk. No response. I will say that I've had people tell me before that my texts don't come through all of the time, so after about 15 minutes with no response, I decided to call just so he wouldn't be able to use that excuse. No answer. It wasn't late, so I figured he may have just not been able to answer right then. I left a voice message, making sure to leave my phone number (that wasn't going to be an excuse, either), and waited for him to call back. Nothing. Two days passed, and I tried calling and leaving a message again. Nothing. I didn't have time for this crap. Even if he was busy, a simple text to tell me that would have been sufficient, but no communication at all is what threw me. I deleted his number from my phone and put him out of my mind. A few days after I'd deleted him, he called, again apologizing, saying he'd had a rough week due to the fact that it was some sort of memorable week from the previous year with his wife. Okay, I can understand that. I almost felt bad about dismissing him so quickly, especially under the circumstances, but that made me further put my guard up, because by that time I was getting the feeling that anything with me could start possibly being compared to her. He didn't seem ready. Extreme caution with proceeding. We had a longer conversation that time, he opened up to me about alot of things, I opened up to him about alot, we exchanged previous relationship information, and discussed plans for the future. I was starting to really like him. Over the next week or so, communication was regular, via texts and phone calls, so I thought something may actually come to fruition with him. The more we conversed, the less I thought about Allen. Yeah, I'm really starting to like Will. Anyone with the fortitude to make me forget that Allen existed would definitely have my attention, and was already a huge step in the door. We agreed that following weekend (which would be almost a month after our first emails) would be a good time to meet. We'd planned to meet in Where It's At and spend the weekend together.

Two days before our scheduled meeting, he called telling me that he wasn't going to be able to make our meeting because his therapist was having him admitted to the psych ward for evaluation over the weekend, and he was on suicide watch. What the hell? This was the first I was hearing about any of this. Hmm. Okay, so he's still dealing with his military PTSD and grieving his wife. Understood. But, I had no idea that things were that bad with him. I knew then that I'd definitely keep the relationship at a distance. I wasn't mentally equipped to be able to handle this route of events for a second time in less than a year, nor able to deal with this situation in it's extreme. He practically begged me to reschedule, saying he wanted nothing more than to meet me. I gave him verbal support, and told him to let me know when things calmed down for him, and we'd talk about all of that then. He agreed, and said he'd call me as soon as he was released from the hospital.

Why was I getting the feeling that there was more to this than just what he was telling me? My radar kicked on, and suddenly, I felt that although he may have been dealing with those issues, there seemed to be more than the issues...another woman must be involved. It shouldn't have mattered, because I wasn't interested in things progressing beyond what they were at that point, but I hate being lied to, or the whole story not being given, and I was on my research to find out. Being that I got that eerie feeling, I decided to try to contact him the day he said he was to be released from the hospital. No answer. I left a compassionate message for him to return my call. Nothing. Later that day, something told me to call him anonymously and see if he'd answer. Damn. He answered. I hung up knowing at that moment that he was full of shit. I waited and tried calling direct again the next day. No answer. I didn't leave another message that time, realizing that he's full of game, and I wanted no parts of it. But, I still wanted to find out what he wasn't telling me.

Facebook. Enough said. His profile didn't come up under his name, he's got the search options limited for finding him, but when I searched his lastname in his town, I found his mother, and found him listed under her family. His friend list wasn't private, so I decided to see who some of his friends were. There was one particular girl that caught my attention. I don't know why, but something about her told me to click on her page and see if her wall was private. It wasn't. At least she divulged the information that he wouldn't. Come to find out, according to her status, she and Will had spent the weekend, together and with some friends of their's, that weekend that Will and I were supposed to meet. Judging from a few more of her status', she and Will were a little more than just friends. Her relationship status wasn't visible, but some of her pictures were, and she'd tagged him in some of them together in "more than just friends" poses. Hmm. The status she'd had from around the time that he and I met and then started communicating regularly, there were some sort of "woe is me" daily posts that let me know they must've had an argument or something, and he was on the prowl, but when they patched things up, that's when he was disappearing from my life. Sneaky asshole. Instead of him just telling me he was seeing someone, he wanted to back-burner me for the times that they were on the outs. Asshole. I was a little peeved by that time, because that wasn't cute. His message option was blacked out, so I had to send him a friend request in order to message him. In my email, I told him that he didn't have to accept my friend request, but that I just wished he'd have told me that he was seeing someone else so I wouldn't get my hopes up of regular communication with him, and wished him the best. A few days later, he'd accepted my friend request, and messaged me saying that he wasn't seeing anyone seriously, he didn't want to lose me from his life, but things were hard for him at that moment, and he yet wanted to deal with me. He hoped I understood and would forgive him. Oh, I understood, alright. I understood that he didn't know that I'd done my research and knew he was full of shit. That's okay, though. He just wouldn't be hearing from me anymore on my accord. I did check his page out, and saw that his relationship status still said "married" with his wife's name beside it. So maybe this chic that's posting about him isn't a girlfriend. She might just be a fuck buddy, but she was definitely part of a reason why he'd distanced himself from me. Right about the time he accepted my friend request, he stopped posting status updates, or either blocked me from seeing them. No worries. I could still see her page and would know what was going on there.

No doubt I was disappointed, because all of a sudden, my "Allen thought deterrent" was gone, so guess who popped back into my mind. I'd even gone so far as to send him another friend request, which he accepted. The girlfriend was cute, to say the least, and I was proud of him that he hadn't gone down in that department. As I'd said before, judging from some of the girls I'd seen that he'd dealt with, I was questioning my own looks at one point. So, I figured if he had another girl, at least she was cute enough for me to be jealous. I also noticed that she was a blond. Wow. Allen had told me when we were dating that he wanted a black woman, so for him to revert from that was a shocker. It made me feel kind of good, though, in the aspect of thinking that he hadn't dated another black woman (even though that's what the last few girls before me had been), because he'd never find another one like me. That thought alone made me just a bit more secure in knowing that he knew I was unique.

My birthday was around the corner, and being that I'd spent it with Allen the previous year, I was longing for that again. Daniel invited me to spend my birthday with him and Lizzie (I mentioned this in a previous posting), and we did have alot of fun, but I was still wishing I was with Allen. I was extremely hurt, because I hadn't received a birthday greeting from him, and I know he didn't forget it. Especially if he'd been on Facebook. My girl friend, Ann, had text me saying she was in town visiting her mother, and when I went to text her back, I'd scrolled down too far in my phone, and text Allen instead. My contacts list is alphabetical and their names are directly on top of each other. When I realized what I had done, I text him an apology, and he responded that it was ok. Still no birthday greeting, so I decided to be bold and ask why he hadn't sent one. Damn his girlfriend. I really didn't care anymore. I'd had a bit to drink, and I was feeling good, so the thought of consequences wasn't on my agenda.

Me: (via text) So, you're not going to wish me a happy birthday?
Allen: I forgot. Happy Birthday
Me: Oh, what a way to remember a friend :( I thought we were better than that
Allen: I've been busy and hadn't thought about it
Me: Okay. Well, I'm sorry, I've been drinking and I shouldn't be texting you this late. Don't want to disrespect your girlfriend
Allen: No worries. You haven't been to my page? No girlfriend. I'm single
Me: Oh. I didn't know that. I'm sorry. Well, I'm trying to go drink some more, so you have a good night :)
Allen: LOL. That's ok, R. You have a good night, too. And Happy Birthday

Ah, so what happened with that, I wondered. I did eventually check out his page and notice that the now "ex" girlfriend was no longer on there. But guess who was....Jackie. She and her "vulturistic" posts. One of them that she'd made was just absolutely crude.

"I love my BFF. Yep. I do. I do love my BFF"

Bitch. I guarantee she had something to do with the break up. The malicious side of me came out when I saw that, so, I commented on her post "Oh, that's so sweet! :) tehehehe". Next thing I know, she blocked me. THAT was all I needed to see, when I noticed that I could no longer see anything about her on Allen's page. The bitch was shocked that Allen and I were friends on Facebook again, and because she knew how I felt about her (even though I'd sent her an email one time trying to squash things between us..she never responded), she damned sure wasn't expecting me to comment on her fucked up post. She unblocked me a few days later, but that post on his page was deleted. Not just my comment, her whole post. I guess she realized that by blocking me she couldn't see anything about me, either, and she didn't want to miss any posts or comments I'd possibly make on his page. Stupid, stupid, dumb bitch. There's no other description for her. Barbara hadn't commented or posted anything in months. Wonder what that's about? As a matter of fact, none of the females that were so anxiously posting and commenting when we were together had. Oh well. None of my concern anymore. At least that was the way I tried to think about it, because I didn't need any further hurt in my life. It was bad enough that I was weak to the point of re-adding him after 8 1/2 months.

Thanksgiving was around the corner, and since Allen said he was single again, my mother decided to invite him to Texas with me for the holiday. She wasn't ready to completely dismiss him, either.