Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Never Say "Never"

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Words I didn't hear at the stroke of midnight. I was sleep by 9 New Year's Eve. Nevertheless, that could be a good thing. They say what you're doing when the clock strikes 12 is what you'll be doing all year, which means I'll be getting more rest this year if the saying holds true. Working 2 jobs can take a toll on the body when you're working up to 15 hours 4 days a week, up to 11 hours 2 days a week, and only getting 1 day off. Up through this point, that's all I thought I needed. That was fine with me, having just Sundays off. Well, maybe I need more. Working so much has kept my mind occupied, kept me from fretting over the fact that I'm getting older, still "technically" single, and not even the thought of an actual real relationship anywhere in sight.

In my previous post, I mentioned that I scrolled through my "X" files on my phone's contact list and ran across Lawrence's number a while ago. Hadn't spoken with him in a year. What the hell, what harm would it do to reach out? I will say that I was shocked he still had the same number, and even more shocked that he answered his phone. We chatted very briefly, long enough to find out he's still dating the girl he crushed my sexcapades for, he's got a good job now, and long enough just to tell him I've got a new house and job. I think the conversation lasted all of 10 minutes. Maybe 10. I thought by hearing his voice I would kind of lose it and beg him to fuck me one more time, but instead, I actually had the opposite reaction..sort of like a closure to that chapter in my life. Maybe the fact that he sounded and seems to be happy is what did it, and even though I'd have preferred to keep him as a fuck-buddy, I wish him nothing but happiness, even if it doesn't include fucking my brains out on a regular basis.

I have to admit, 2012 wasn't a total loss. I do, like everyone, have some decisions that I regret making, some things I wish I'd have done, and some things I could have done differently, but some things I'm glad I experienced.

While I'm on the subject, as you know, you all hear about things that I dare not even tell my closest friends. My cousin Coco is about the only one that gets everything out of me. I share a lot with Wally, but some things I don't. I guess you could say I do have a little fear as to how he'll view me, and my "good girl" (ha!) image will be shattered.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, as well as everyone who knows me knows, and all the guys I've dated have been warned, three things I've always said I'd NEVER do: 1) illegal drugs, 2) have a "three-some", and 3) never sleep with another woman. In my 30-something even years, I'd managed to hold true to all of those. Now, I only hold true to two.

The illegal drugs would be an easy one to admit, something like smoking pot, or trying ecstasy, or even snorting a line of cocaine maybe. And there aren't many people who've never done a "three-some" before. So what if I said that either of those were tried, and I'd determined that maybe I did or didn't like the experience of them? Well, when it's all said and done, after having been put on Vicotin by a doctor earlier last year for a medical condition, that was enough to remind me that drugs are NOT for me. And those are legal. I don't like being out of touch with reality, and the fact that I've lost 4 days out of my life because recollecting anything that I did or said while under the influence is out of reach, I say "thanks, but no thanks" to anything further. That was, like Sven called it, a "4 day mental vacation". Yeah, well, I wish I could say I had some enjoyment from that "vacation" and not just complete memory loss of it. Maybe because of those "autopilot" days, I had a three-some in the process. Not likely, but anything is possible, eh? Because of the fact that I wasn't even interested in sleeping with 1 person at that time, I'm pretty damned sure that excluded me from sleeping with 2. I will say that I completely do understand now when people say that drugs "numb" them, keeps them from feeling, and how Dr. House (I loved that show) kept the emotional and physical pain away (he was addicted to Vicotin on the show).

"Terry" is another manager at my job. When he and I first met, he was engaged, so anything other than business was out of the question on either of our end. Definitely on mine. Not only because he was spoken for, but also because he's black. I've said it time and again that I don't rule out black men, I just hadn't found one financially or mentally on my level, therefore, for the last past, what, almost 10 years, I'd found compatibility (if you'd call it that) of some sorts in men of other nationalities. Work was work, and there was never anything in our dealings that would be considered inappropriate by work or by personal standards. It just so happens that somewhere along the lines, not long after I started working there, Terry & his fiancé  called off their engagement. He went through the motions of "damn, now what?" that most people do after a shattered relationship, and after 9 years of off-and-on with that woman, I could understand. Of course, after hearing some of the shit he'd been through with her & her 2 kids, I could tell he really loved her. Me, being me, determined that I'd be the "shoulder" during that time, because hey, we all need a shoulder after something like that. I figured since they'd been through this before, maybe things just needed time to blow over, and they'd get back together. What I didn't know was that the fiancés babies' daddy had come back on the scene. That makes a lot of difference.

I'm not necessarily accident prone, and hadn't had a vehicular accident in 17 years, so why was I being nosey one day, not paying attention to the road, veered off, and fucked up my car by running into a curb? Yes, almost $3k in damage to the passenger side of my SUV. Thank goodness for good insurance. Terry was my savior in the aspect of getting me from work to the rental car company, and it was during that brief time in his car together, that something changed between us. Suddenly, we were opening up to each other, and having "inappropriate" personal conversation. Mind you, I'm no fool in the aspect of knowing this man just got out of a relationship, and I had the words "REBOUND PROSPECT" plastered across my forehead. I hadn't had sex in months, he, according to him, hadn't had sex in months, so why the hell couldn't we help each other out? Here's a black man (my daddy would be proud) who's financially on track, we appear to be mentally compatible, he goes to church, and hell, we both had frustrations that needed to be released. Not on that day, though.

Over the next couple of weeks, Terry and I began hanging out together outside of work. We'd take turns buying lunch (I had to insist on picking up the tab sometimes), he'd swing by my office just to talk, buy me little "just because" gifts, and things just seemed to be on the right "rebound" track. Again, I'm no fool in that aspect. I'm wide awake, but the attention felt so damned good. Terry is everything I could ever pray to God for in a man, and it wasn't just while I was getting to know him. I could tell by he way he carried himself before we got personal that alerted me to that fact as well. Now that he's single, why the hell won't he kiss me?! After a few weeks of nothing but nice, warm (his body generates heat) hugs, hand holding, and cheek & forehead kisses, I finally asked him straight out "so when are you going to really kiss me?". He side-stepped the question with a nervous laugh, and for a minute, I thought something was wrong with me, or maybe he just wasn't ready to go there yet. Fuck this. My body was on fire, and wanted some serious affection! Yeah, I may know what role I play right now but shouldn't I at least be able to get a real damned kiss?! He finally told me one night that we needed to talk, and the only reason we were going to have this discussion is because he finds himself caring for and about me more than he thought he would. He came over to my house, we exchanged hugs, and I went for a kiss on the lips, to which he responded by turning his head. Uh-the-fuck-oh.

First, I find out that I'm not the only one that's dated strictly outside of black. Okay, no big deal. That makes us a 1st for each other in years. Readjusting. And then the bomb gets dropped on me.

Terry: What do you know about the gay and lesbian community?

What the fuck? Please don't tell me you're gay!

Me: Well, one of my brothers is gay, why?

Terry: Okay. Wow, Terry, are you really gonna do this? Okay, what do you know about transgender?

Huh??!!

Me: Not much. Terry, where is this going? Please don't beat around the bush with me

Terry: Look, I have to tell you this because I need to you be informed about what you're getting yourself into. I care about you and need to be completely honest. My only request is that you don't tell ANYONE at work. No one besides you will know this

Silence.

Terry: My birth name was "Theresa"

If I hadn't been sitting down already, I would have fallen. There is nothing about him that says there was ever a Theresa. The body & facial hair, the voice, the boobs, or shall I say, "lack-thereof". NOTHING. I've been around the homosexual community for a long while. Not only am I related to one that I'd go to gay clubs with, but I've got friends that are gay, and up through this point, I prided my "gaydar" abilities. Could spot them from a mile away.

Me: Terry, look, if you're having second thoughts about dealing with me, just say so. You don't have to make up shit just to get rid of me, damn!

Terry: R, I'm not. No man will make up something like that

Me: Well how the hell doesn't anyone at work know about this?

Terry: I'm in the process of gender reassignment. I've been on testosterone for 8 years, hence the deep voice, facial hair, not having boobs, and my driver's license and paperwork say I'm male

Me: But you were engaged!

Terry: She's bi-sexual

So that explains it! That's how "baby's daddy" slipped back in so easily. That explains the male "sensitivity" and emotional connection that's been too good to be true! That explains why he...or shall I say "she"...hesitated with anything beyond moderate physical contact. It's all so clear now.

Terry: Now you can see why I hesitated with kissing you. It's not that I haven't been dying to, because goodness knows I've wanted to devour you, but I couldn't do that to you without you being fully aware of what's going on with me

I couldn't do anything but stare at him...her...whatever the case may be. Terry leaned forward, looked me in my eyes, and suddenly the denial part of me was ready to go full fledged.

Terry: I'll understand if you want me to leave now

Silence again on my part. This shit was NOT happening to me! 9 years of not dating black men, I finally find one I'm attracted to on every level, and he says he used to be a woman! WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH MY LIFE???!!! I can't fucking win for losing! I think I'm gonna cry.

Terry: Well, say something please?

With what little voice and strength I could muster to talk, I finally responded.

Me: I think you're lying. There's no way. You're too much of a man

Terry: (laughs a little) That's because I am a man. I've even got a penis now

Oh, shit! I'd heard about that with the clit being elongated, but I'd never seen one before. Now I'm curious.

Terry: Would you like to see it?

Me: Yes. I mean, NO! Look, if you're telling me the truth, I want to act like you didn't

Terry: (laughing) R, but...

Me: No, I met you as "Terry the man", I've only known you as "Terry the man", and I want to keep it at that! Please don't ever mention this to me again, ok? We're gonna act like this conversation never took place

Terry laughed a little and leaned back on my couch. I sat still for a minute, and something from somewhere in me suddenly didn't care. My head was spinning, and it was all that I could do to keep from fainting. I tried to block out that entire conversation and leaned against him. Into his arms. He wrapped his arm around me, kissed me on my forehead and whispered "the conversation never happened".

Anyone that knows me knows that my curiosity spans beyond what it should. For a few days after that conversation, Terry pulled away. He said he was unsure how to proceed with me because he'd sprung some very unexpected news on me, and he, like mostly everyone, fears rejection. I thought about the time he and I had been spending together, how he made me feel, and how my curiosity was in overdrive with wanting to see this gender transformation. I got my opportunity. After I assured him that I was still not accepting the news, he relaxed a little bit. Suddenly, kissing wasn't an issue, because we laid it on thick. And OMG, do his hands know how to explore my body.

One night, he came over to watch some movies. Once the movie started, the chemistry between us started to churn. He got comfortable on my bed, wrapped his arm around me, and let his hand begin to explore my breasts. One of my weak spots. When that happened, all inhibitions were gone. He finger fucked me and ate my pussy so good, I came more than I had in a very long time. I was dry as cotton when it was all said and done. But, I yet hadn't seen "little Terry" as he calls it. I begged him to see this miracle of modern science. When he pulled down his pants, and showed me that little fella, it was more than I could believe. Maybe 1 1/2 inches long, it actually has a head...like a REAL male penis! He put my hand on it and let me play with it for a bit, but I was curious as to know what was beneath. He slipped my hand further down to where I felt all the wetness, and slid my fingers inside of him. Yep. A woman. A woman with a penis. And he gets wetter than me! That's the sad part. What's more, since I'd gone that far, I might as well go all the way. Since I'd never been with a woman before, I didn't know what the hell I was supposed to be doing. He laughed at my uncertainty but told me to suck on him like I would any other man. Nice that I got rave reviews even from him in that department.

He's kinda gotten ahead of me in the game now, because he's talking moving in together, wants me to be his girlfriend (I'm still privy to the fact that he's still possibly in "rebound" mode, so I've told him we should just let things evolve, not rush it), "marriage", kids, the whole nine yards. He even wants me to quit my 2nd job and he take care of me. I have to admit, that thought within itself is intriguing, and our talk about kids and how good of a "daddy" he'd be hasn't eluded me. We've gone so far as to discuss egg splicing (to combine our DNA..I'm not a fan of that because it doesn't seem natural), sperm donors, and after seeing Allen's pictures on Facebook, he's agreed to going that route for that purpose. I reached out to Allen and his fiancé with our offer, and they've agreed, with the counter offer that they not be completely excluded from the child's life. Made me feel kind of good when Allen's fiancé messaged me and told me Allen said I'd be a great mom. Thanks for that. Never knew he'd noticed. It's up in the air. Not sure if I'm really ready for all of that...the whole "moving in" thing and the "marriage" shit. Or even just being with a 'wo'man. One would probably classify me as bi-sexual at this point, because I still love my "born a man" men, so this whole predicament has me a unsure. I yet can't say I'm attracted to women; just this one. There's the whole strap-on thing (until Terry's surgery is complete and his "penis" elogated), but how long would I be able to go without the actual feel of flesh-on-flesh in that manner? How the hell would this go over with my family? Just the thought makes my head hurt, so I try not to think about it. I try not to think about anything. Like I said, I'm unsure about all of it.

Haven't had much luck with men, would it be any different with a woman? As always, we'll all find out together.....

 

Monday, December 3, 2012

Now You're Just Somebody That I Used To Know

So what have we missed? OMG..ALOT! So, where do I start?! I know, I'll start by saying that Ted is an asshole, Justin gets on my damned nerves, John really needs to leave me alone, Red bores the hell out of me, and for whatever reason, Ron has been trying to get close again.

The plus side of things, I started a better job, and I've added a new dog to my collection.

That's the upside to things with me.

Okay, what happened with Ted. The fact that I wasn't pressuring him for anything, and I was concerned about his mom. Afterall, the woman had a severe case of pneumonia. Play-by-play, I was being patient, no pressure to talk or text, there's a serious issue going on and I'm being respectful of it. Then I stop hearing from him altogether. I don't trip or freak out, thinking maybe he just needed some "Ted" time. We all have those moments in life. Look at the bright side of things, R, he'll appreciate the fact that you didn't force yourself on him. That is until I get a message:

Ted: Sorry I haven't been in contact. A lot going on right now. I was just at your job earlier and   thought of you..haha

Me: No worries. I figured you needed some time to get your thoughts together. I actually don't work there anymore

Ted: What? Damn. Where you work now? And I was gonna ask you about this cute girl that works in the pharmacy

Son of a bitch. What the fuck?! I don't hear from you in an eternity, and when I do you're asking about some other girl?! FUCK you!!

Me: Yeah, well I got a better job. How sweet of you to ask about another girl when I tried to show interest in you. Anyway, all of the girls there are either under 21 or married. ALL of them. So, thanks for being straight forward and letting me know you weren't interested. Wish you'd have told me that from the beginning

And with that, he was deleted from my Facebook page.

Ted: You showed interest in being a friend. But anyway I've been really busy and trying to get myself together and taking care of my mom. I'm sorry if that made you mad. I have been nothing but straight forward and you weren't a priority.

Motherfucker.

Me: Me?! Mad?! Never that, Hun. And I never tried to be a priority, but since I see there's no possibility of us even being friends I don't see any reason to waste anymore of my time nor take up space on your friends list. You were never straight forward and never said a thing, but oh well...it is what it is.

Ted: Well I tried to be your friend but if you were looking for more then you've got the wrong guy, sorry. That's me being forward.

Me: Ha! Yeah, after I just called you on it. And how the hell do you figure you tried to be a friend? What did you do besides message me a few times after I initiated asking about your mom? Anyways, you have a nice life and take care.

Something about that phrase "take care". I thought that would be the end of it. Nope. He wants to argue like a little bitch.

Ted: I don't have time for selfish women. I'm not losing sleep over it.

Me:  Oh, please don't lose sleep. I never did.

That should take care of it. Nope. Wrong again.

Ted: You know what if you're this selfish thinking you should be a priority over my sick mom. I was in the store getting her meds. But if you want to act like that then I'm better off not being your friend.

Huh??!! Oh get the fuck on, you prick. He could've kept that. That shit didn't even make sense. I didn't even bother responding, and haven't since. So, that's the way that went down.

Justin's pansy ass doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. He'd been getting mad at me because he constantly wanted to hang out, and I just don't have time for him anymore. I've got too many other things to think about, and he's not one of them. I finally relented and hung out with him one day. It wasn't so much that I wanted to see him, I just needed some help introducing my new pit/lab mix and my pit to each other. I have no interest in fucking him anymore. Haven't for a while. I guess that's why the thought of being around him unless I really have a purpose doesn't intrigue me.

A blast from the past, I get a text from John out of the clear blue. Surprising that I still even had his number in my phone. I guess I forgot about it because it's way down in the "X" files..you know, my little filing system, an X goes right in front of their name before I determine I just really don't want to be bothered and move their number to "file 13". Hadn't been down that far in my contacts list in a while. Lawrence was down there, and I stumbled on him the other day...I'll get to that in a minute. So, I'm cleaning my carpet and I get this text: "Hey, beautiful. How are you doing?" Where the hell did this come from after forever?! "I'm good thanks. How bout yourself?" "I'm cool thanks. Say, I've got a major favor to ask and I'll pay you back with interest Monday". The only favors he could be asking is either some ass or cash. He wasn't talking about ass, cause you can't pay that back. I'll play along. Why? Because I was bored. "What's up?" "I'm up here in Suburbia, and I need to borrow...." here it comes. How much. "...$40. I'll understand if you can't do it". Uuuuhm. No. It's not the word "can't", it's "wont". "Sorry. I don't have any money right now" not to give away. How the fuck did he expect to pay me back Monday when he lives in another town? And where the fuck are his 4 baby's mommas while he's asking me for money? Isn't he engaged? "I understand. Well thanks anyway. I'm just kinda in a bind right now." Now I feel bad. Maybe if I put what he wants on one of my cards the sting of not getting it back won't hurt so bad. "Well, is it something you need? Cause maybe I can meet you somewhere and put it on one of my cards." "Yeah, I need some gas" How the hell was $40 going to get his big ass truck back and forth for almost a week? "Well, I have to work at my second job in a couple of hours, how bout I text you when I get off and I'll meet you at a gas station?" "Okay. Text me when you get off." As much as I didn't want to do shit for him since we hadn't even communicated in almost 4 months, if he seriously needed gas, I'd be nice. I still couldn't help but wonder where his 6 month old's momma was. I'll ask some other time. I was true to my word and text him when I got off. He didn't respond. Good. I didn't feel like going anywhere but home anyway. I even text him the next morning just to make sure. Nothing. Cool. I tried. It was all well and good for a few weeks til I get this text "Hey. How's it going? Do you have some money you could lend me til Monday and I'll pay you back solid with interest?" What's up with the "Monday" thing? And where the FUCK are your baby's mommas? This time, I don't even feel like being nice. "Uhm, where's Keisha?" "Awe, come on baby. Don't be like that. We better than that, sexy. Me and her are fighting. But I wouldn't ask you if I didn't really need it" I'm sure you wouldn't, and I'm also sure I won't be doing shit for you. You'd better make amends real quick. And what the fuck is this "baby" shit? "Damned shame y'all are fighting. AGAIN. I just paid all my bills. Sorry" "Ok. I understand. Thanks anyway. Baby I'm so glad I know you. I still think about how my life would've been different if you'd given me a chance instead of that Nebraska guy. I'll be in touch." Save it, ya bum. To this day I haven't bothered wasting the finger strokes to respond to that.

The situation with Red I can sum up really quick. He supposedly got laid off of the job he was working in Arizona, so he's back in Oklahoma now. He'd been texting, wanting to take me out, wanting to come over. I was bored and horny one night, so I let him come. That was that. He's been wanting to see me, but I'm just not feeling it. I've been pretty "busy" lately. Busy not thinking or being worried about these guys. Doing my own thing, working, taking care of my girls, and just enjoying my "me" time.

Ron. My goodness. That man won't leave me alone. Every damned weekend he's wanting to go to the movies, or me to come hang with his family, or to come over to hang out at my place...on and on. I'm busy. I have to cut my grass. Instead of him saying "ok, call me later", the guy races over to my house, lawnmower on the back of his truck, and says "lets race". Not only did my yard get cut in half the time, but I let him win. Okay, truth, he actually won cause he covered more ground than I did, but my mower is DEFINITELY more powerful than his. Haha. Nope, sorry. Still not wanting to hang out. I have to work on my fence. So what does he do? Shows up at my house with his hammer and utility belt and says "lets race". What's with this guy? Is he not getting the hints? I guess not, because now I've got more invitations to the movies, an invitation to his dad's 80th birthday party, and the question of "when are you going to let me take you out?". I'm not! We've been through this. Remember last Summer? Yeah. No. He's pretty nifty with a shovel, though.

Baker, and I touched on him briefly before (too tired to get into details right now), has backed off. I'm glad, because I tried everything short of telling him straight out "I'm not attracted to you, and there will NEVER be anything between us". Yes, I probably should just tell him that, especially since we can't have a decent phone conversation without him throwing in "Yeah, R, if you and me got together..." blah blah blah..blah blah blah blah. Nope. He's not being as persistent as he was about us going out together, but he still calls, waiting for that moment when he catches me totally weak. I haven't been that weak in the 3 years I've known him. Not gonna happen now. Okay, I'll just say, the guy is creepy. I believe it's okay to have fetishes, but his extreme foot fetish, and his fascination with elves (yes, I said elves), it's just a turn off. I think a little weirdness is cute, but he goes beyond. Like right now, he's fictitiously (at least I've never seen any proof) writing some "best selling" novel about space men and elves fucking. Seriously. The guy is my age, and these are his fantasies. I gave him 1 chance and went to lunch with him before. When I had to pay for my own food, that killed it even further. And then he tried to get a kiss. Loser.

Wally and I had a heart-to-heart the other day. I told him I think I'm ready to settle down again, and he told me "no, you're not." And just how can he make a call about me like that? "R, right now you're in too big of a selfish phase. You want everything to be about you, but you don't want to invest in anyone else. Just look how you're doing Red and Justin. You fuck Red and kick him out, you don't even want to give Justin the time of day anymore." They're just a couple of young "toy boys". "Wally, how can you say I'm not ready? I used to always invest everything about myself in a relationship". "Too much of yourself. But, what you did and what you're doing are 2 different things. You won't even go out with a guy right now, and if you do, you find a reason to shoot him down real quick." Maybe he's right. I hadn't taken inventory lately, and my "selflessness" might be low in stock right now. Damn. That kind of stings just typing that about myself. Sounds like I've done a 180.

Well, as always, you know the story doesn't end there. I forgot to tell you the update on Lawrence. Next post. I've just got to get up early, the new job is very demanding, and I'm gonna try and watch Family Guy before I doze off. Until the next post...

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Dont' Talk...Just Listen...

"Have you been on Allen's Facebook page lately?" Text from my sister, Nikki.

"No. Why? What's up?"

"Uhm, you should really be a little more observant. All I'm gonna say is either check your newsfeed stream, or go to his page. LOL"

Okay, my curiosity is piqued now. I logged into Facebook from my phone, and sure enough, in my newsfeed stream of updates, there's what she obviously thought I should see:

Relationship Status: ENGAGED

I fell out laughing. Really, now?! Wow. That's all I could say. I sat and waited for whatever emotions that would come, but shockingly, none did. I waited, and waited. What I was waiting for, I'm not sure, but I thought by staring at that, tears or hurt or something would set in. Nothing. A twinge of irritation did occur in the aspect of "damn, it hasn't been that overly long ago that he and I were together, and he's been in another relationship since us, and now, I guess 3rd times a charm...all in less than 1 1/2 years." I think I kinda felt sorry for him at that point. The fact that, according to an inside source that knows him and his now "fiance", they are perfect together. I was right about my observations of her, just based on her posts and tags to his page. She has serious mental issues. He, which is ever more clear at this point, obviously has them, too. Any man that would commit to a girl with her mental status, that young, with that many kids (which, again, according to the source) that she doesn't have custody of (all of them..for whatever reasons), can't be completely well in the head. He doesn't want to be "fixed", she can't be "fixed". And to boot, the fact that I saw this coming. Wasn't sure when, but I "felt" it. Allen was one of the guys that I text regarding potentially fathering my child, and when I sent the text, I included the words "if you need to discuss this with your wife, please do". (Note: his response was that "the three of us would need to discuss this"). Coincidence at its finest that this status change occurred within 2 months of that text to him. Actually, it wouldn't surprise me if they're already married and just going through a slow motion process of letting people know, because I did notice that he changed his place of residence to her town. That was a couple of months ago. When I told my mom about his status change, she laughed. What is it about this situation that's got everyone laughing?! Maybe because I know, through his family, that she's not very well liked by them. They merely tolerate her because they love him, but there's no particular care for her. Allen's daughter can't stand her. The ex-wife can't stand her. What's even more funny is the fact that his family wasn't all that crazy about the ex-wife, but, they side more with her than they'll give credit to this girl. The ex-wife and I were at least civil with each other, and from what I hear, there's been MAJOR conflict between this nut-case and the ex-wife. Hm. Wonder who'd win a bout in the ring?! No matter what my personal feelings were pertaining to Allen's ex, I'd never voice them, because of the way I felt about him, and due to the fact that no matter what, she's the mother of his children, he was married to her, and if I bashed her, that would've been indirectly speaking against him and his children. I'm not stupid enough to do that. Especially in a public way. Karma has a way of finding you, no matter how hard you try to avoid it, and it's funny that a Facebook friend of mine recently posted a picture that said "bad karma: the girl he's with now". Irony that I saw that post the same day that I saw his status change? I think not. There have been several "congratulations" expressed on his page about the engagement announcement, lots of "likes" on the status change, and out of curiosity, I browsed through just to see how many of them were from people that I knew and dealt with when he and I were together. 2 names that I recognized. Jackie was one, but she doesn't count, because you know my feelings towards her..those, I publicly voice. The other from a teen-age girl that doesn't know any better. If there were others, I don't recall or recognize them by name (shit, I met too many people), so I don't care. Also according to the source, my standards were too high, in the way that I wanted better for and from him. Again, he doesn't want to be "fixed", and apparently he's safe with her since she's so fucked up herself. Oh, well. More power to Allen and "nut-job". You remember I'd stated in one of my previous posts that I have absolutely NOTHING to be jealous of when it came to this? The source, and that picture post confirm it. I didn't want to see it then, but it's screamingly clear now. In other words, I dodged a bullet.

Don't think I'm in any way trying to say that I'm "normal" by "society's" standards. I've never thought myself to be issue free, ever, because I know I've got some...hell, EVERYONE has some sort of issues, there are just some people's who run a hell of a lot deeper than others. Such is the case with this situation. Again, more power.

Speaking of issues. When it came to Red, I realized that I was falling for the "ideal" situation..the way I envision things to be..not him necessarily. That's why the relation between him and Allen seemed so strong. I also realized that's why I had such a hard time letting go of Allen. It wasn't necessarily him, but I fell in love with the way he started off treating me, like a queen. So, by the time his true colors shown through, he'd already got me..hook, line, and sinker. My cousin and I were discussing that situation, and thankfully, I've become more open to seeing things for how they really are; stopped being in denial. She asked me just what it was that I was so in love with about Allen. You know, I honestly couldn't name a damned thing?! I tried to refute her.

Me: He'd drive over 6 hours to see me

Coco: So? And compare how many times he came to see you to how many times you drove to see him

Damn. I can't.

Me: Well, he sent me "just because" cards, told me that he loved me, and called me his queen

Coco: So? He also STOPPED sending you cards, reneged on that "I love you", and called you his queen "in training"

Shit. There's got to be something I can say in his defense.

Me: Okay, well, he took me around his family and friends and told everyone that I was his woman

Coco: Girl, you act like no other guy has done that shit! Hell, your baby's daddy took you to meet his momma the 2nd time y'all went out, and bought you a puppy when you lost the baby! Look, cousin, like I always tell you, I love you, so I'm gonna give it to you straight, AGAIN. That man didn't do anything for you that no other man hasn't done in the past. Yeah, he may have shown a little more effort at first by the length of the drive coming to see you, but what the fuck did he REALLY do that was so significant that you haven't seen before? Did he pay any of your bills? Don't even answer that cause I already know. Not that you wanted or needed his money, but what the fuck could he do for you besides dick you down? Did he do anything..I mean ANYTHING at all so different from any other man? The only difference is it took longer for his true colors to shine than it did the rest of them. He camouflaged a lot longer, which got you hooked. Junior did that shit, the Captain did that shit. Hell, a step further, the Captain and Junior bought you shit AND gave you money! Even Sven did the same exact shit by driving to see you! Shit, he drove further and came to see you more than Allen did. Now compare that to how many times you drove to New Mexico. Shall I keep naming and going?

Me: No. I got it.

Coco: I understand, Cousin. Trust me, I do. I'm just trying to get YOU to see that Allen was just like all the rest of them. The difference is you were extremely vulnerable at that time, you dropped your guard WAY down, and you got comfortable with his family quicker. What else? If you want to drawl over a man, make it one that's actually doing something for you, and CAN do something for you, not one that can't even do shit for himself. Damn. You didn't even trip over the Captain this damned long. I guess what it is is after Allen, you kinda built that emotional wall again. I'll be the first to tell you to be careful and keep your guard up, but don't push the right man away instantaneously because your emotions are so damaged that you wouldn't recognize him if he fell out of the sky. You need time to heal, and I applaud you for finally taking time to do that. You'll know when you're ready, though. Maybe you are growing up..haha. Maybe if you'd taken my advice a long time ago like you're doing now and just find some dick without trying to commit to it, you wouldn't be in this predicament. Fuck it, then send it on its way. 

I give up. Once again, it took her coming through raw to make me realize. She'd tried talking to me the day I drove to Nebraska when Allen broke up with me by text, but then, I wasn't trying to hear it. I wasn't trying to hear it from anyone. Now, my head is on a little straighter, my perspective has gotten a little more on track. She's right. What the fuck did he do that was so significant? Like she said, it just took longer than the others for his true colors to shine through, and I was completely hooked by the time they did. Hell, Allen didn't even really want a black girl. I was an experiment. Why, I may never know, but reality sank in. After all of my intuition, all of the revelations, and after all is said and done, I was just another notch on his belt. I was dealing with a real life Charlie Harper (from Two and a half Men).

Mind you, this conversation with Coco transpired not long after I had the first conversations with Barbara's ex, who, speaking of, appears to be moving forward himself. I'm happy for him. Better late than never for both of us.

I will know when I'm ready again. It may take a while longer than I'd hope, but, I must pat myself on the back for the progress I've made this far.

While I'm on the note of "knowing", I'd like to introduce "Ted". In my own credit, the age gap is a lot less. This one's only 4 years younger. Yes, of course I met him at work. His mother had just gotten out of the Emergency Room (haha..I've already met momma..very nice lady! that hurdle's already been jumped), and he and his older brother had brought her to pick up some medicine. Tall, nice "country boy" built, nicely trimmed goatee, dark-haired, green eyed sexiness. His brother wasn't bad looking, either, but I took immediate notice of Ted when I spoke and he smiled. His brother had gone back to the car with their mother, while Ted waited inside for her prescriptions. He also just so happened to be wearing a Longhorns t-shirt. Conversation starter since I'm from Texas..and a conversation that led to information exchange. Long story made short, he's now on my Facebook page. We haven't gone out yet, and communication has been sparse so far, but I'm not worried. His mom's been back in the hospital since that next night, and I've learned that a lot of men aren't good at juggling things like that with personal affairs. Supposedly they were having a hard time figuring out what was wrong with his mom before finally diagnosing her with a severely advanced case of pneumonia. Explains how she wound up back in the hospital the same day we met. He's very close to his mom and has pretty much been at the hospital all the time (seems he only leaves to shower and get something to eat), so I've told him there's no pressure to communicate with me at this moment. I understand that their focus is on trying to get moms all better, but when she's in the clear, back home, and doing better, then we'll see where this could lead. He's been keeping me, and people on Facebook, updated on her status, and all I can do is keep my fingers crossed that she'll pull through alright. Yeah, I think I prefer him concentrate on her and not on me right now. I'll be here, but she's not necessarily young, and pneumonia is no joke.

Little by little, I'm learning. No advancement on the decision with the Artificial Insemination, yet...but then again, I may not even wound up going that route. I'll see. You'll see. We'll all see together....





Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Mind Over Matter

I may not have much, but what I do have, I've worked hard for, and I'm proud of. As I stated in my previous post, I've reconsidered pro-creating, and the reasons for that, I'll explain more later.

Trent is so outta there...before he was even in. He's an ass, just as I concluded from our initial, and mostly only, constant text session. We text back and forth for a bit, brief and far between, but as stated, he bored me, and his mentality is not up to par with the standards that I've set, even for a fuck buddy. First of all, what man, emphasis on the word "man", doesn't eat pussy?! REALLY?! His version of fun is getting a blow job, and putting the dick on a girl. Yeah. Like that's fair or completely fun. Let me clarify my stance on it. I am a major fan of being fucked, and I'd much rather have the dick run deep in me, but every now and then, I do want my pussy ate. I mean, if I'm gonna be hooking you up, especially on a regular basis, isn't it only right and fair that I be hooked up sometimes, too?! He didn't see it that way, and when I told him that I can't see giving him bjs all the time without some initiative on the return, that kinda soured both our moods on each other. He said he would, IF he was asked, but I shouldn't have to ASK him to eat my pussy..shouldn't that just be a part of the foreplay every now and then? I know some guys who just LOVE to eat the pussy, and to those, I'm most gracious, even though I have to tell them "okay, now fuck me...I wanna feel that dick". Getting my pussy ate (and sucking on my nipples), something about the vibration on the clit, gets my motor going, and gets me wetter than shit, so by the time I'm running like Niagra Falls, I'm ready to straight pound it out..no more games, or "play", after that. Just FUCK me. After I've gotten about 3 or 4 nuts in a row (hey, if you know what spot to aim for, they're not hard to get out of me...quickly), sometimes more, you'd better get yours, because by then I'll start drying up, and I'm ready to turn over and fall asleep. Yeah, something like a man in that aspect. Give me a few to recoop and regroup, and I'll be ready again.

Either way, I'm better off. Trent did me the favor by sparing my time, as I told him to do..my words "if this isn't something that you'll be in full-throttle with, then let me know now, to save both of us the wasted time", and that's exactly what his actions portrayed (sp? they've removed "spell check" from this damned thing). No harm, no foul. Thanks, Trent.

Red finally moved. I was sad to see him go, but I know it was for the best. He had text me the day that he left, but I never responded. I didn't want to. At that point, cut-and-dry was my figurative action. I figured out what my "could-have-been" attachment was to him, and I instantly despised it. Despite the age difference, which I had to insert-foot-in-mouth after talking about Justin and his ex being so far apart in age, I could have easily fallen for Red. That's why I'm glad he moved. The reason I say that is because, after careful thought, wonder, and consideration as to "what", "why", and "how", I realized that he reminds me of a younger, slightly shorter version of Allen. Everything from the first meeting, to the first "magical" night, to his demeanor, to keeping in touch with me, to keeping a smile on my face, to the way he looks at me, to his touch, to the possibly last "magical" night. Allen. That's where my despise comes into play. He may not be as good in bed as Allen was, and I charge that to lack of experience, and may not be working with as much "hardware"-wise, but he damned sure isn't missing any other beats. When I discussed this with my mother, her very wise words to me were "well, if you feel you need to dismiss him from your life because of that, then you do what you feel is necessary, otherwise, I don't see a problem with dealing with him". Geeze, thanks, Mom. You've made it easy for me.

I did miss Red, and finally gave in to texting him after a couple of weeks, just to see how he was doing. He responded that he's not liking it in Texas, and found out he's being relocated to Arizona as a plant Foreman. Great. Even more distance between us. BUT, he was also coming home to Oklahoma for a bit before he went west, and wanted to see me. Better judgement said "no", but my body, and my emotions said "yes". Being that it had been a couple of weeks since we'd seen each other, there was alot to making up for to do. And making up for, we did. The sound of his voice (deep and country), the feel of his rugged hands, the sensuous way in which he handled my body, the gentleness of his lips as they caressed me, the feel of that hard dick that sprung up just from us looking at each other, and before I even touched him....FANTASY ISLAND!! And for the moment, I was that princess again. From the bed, to the shower, to the bed again, he knew what he was doing. "Please leave Oklahoma, Red! You're not good for me" is all I could think. This boy is gonna send me bat-shit insane! I can't allow that emotional attachment to come into play with him. This is wrong on so many levels! And the saddest part, when I looked at him once, I caught a glimpse of Allen. SON OF A BITCH!!! THIS is NOT HAPPENING!! Fuck, Fuck, FUCK!! Why am I being punished like this?! The year plus that it took trying to get over Allen, didn't I suffer enough?! And now that I considered myself emotionally ridded of him, a fucking mental-double of him enters my life! Is this some sort of "sign" to me or something? And if so, what the fuck is it a "sign" of? I mean, what did I do to deserve this torture? WHAT DID I DO??!!

Think, R, think. How else do you rid yourself of thoughts and feelings that you don't want to be bothered with?

Justin.

I know. That's very wrong of me, but that was the only way to free myself at the moment. No one or nothing else, except maybe hitting the bottle hard, could help. His birthday was coming up, and he'd been pestering me about spending it with me, so why not oblige.

I decided to take the stab at it, and at least try to get around all of this mass confusion going on in my head. I treated Justin to dinner for his birthday, then we spent a few hours in PetSmart (he adopted a kitten), then we hit a pool hall. I had to be fucked up in the head, for real, because I suck at pool, but my game was on point that night. I have no idea how that happened. We were both getting intoxicated (I stopped after 3 budlight limes since I was the desi, of course), and he was trying hard to get back to my house, but something just wouldn't let me do it. Damn. I took his tipsy ass home after hitting IHOP once the pool hall closed.

Moment after moment, I'm thinking about Red, but proud of myself for not giving in to texting him. His texts telling me how he missed me didn't help, either. Go away, Red! This isn't right. This isn't right. I need to fuck something. Days later, I finally gave in to Justin's constant pleas to hang out. Not only did we experience the brief bout of "issues", but once he did get on track, I still wasn't feeling it. He even ate my pussy for the very first time. He was better off not doing it, because he has absolutely NO clue as to what he's doing, and I think that pissed me off even more. We even went a few rounds, but shockingly, as much as I used to cum for him, I only managed MAYBE 2 nuts the whole night, and those were forced, because I needed some release.

*INSERT WITTY SCRIPT HERE: During Justin's and my "romp", I asked him "you knew what it was going to take to get me back to the way I used to be with you, huh? You figure, you put this dick on me, and you can get whatever you want out of me, huh?" His response: "Uh-huh". Fucker.*

So, here I am, dazed and confused yet again. Really, I like Red, but he's just too damned young for me. There's no future in that, and I know it. So why is my head wanting to wrap around some form of that idea? I can't even say it's my heart. Or maybe my heart AND head are both in love with the idea of someone more age appropriate being this way towards me to the point where I'm confusing it with a cradle-rob, and willing to accept that for the time being. It's like a romance novel gone bad. And I'm the lead character.

Arizona is much farther from Suburbia than where Red was in Texas. Maybe now, things can get back to (my version of) normal with me, and even though we may still keep in touch every so often, the feel of him will dissipate sooner than later. I just hope he doesn't come home on a regular basis, because unless either of us is in a relationship, it may spell trouble for me. Notice I just said "for me". I seem to be the only one that has trouble in these instances, which is why I refuse to emotionally committ to anyone. Getting hurt gets old.

Okay, now for the revelation as to my thoughts on pro-creating.

As I said earlier, I may not have alot, but what I do have, I've worked hard for, and I'm proud of. My house, namely the biggest. Currently, my will allows for one of my sisters, "Nikki", and my nephew to inherit everything 50/50 should anything ever happen to me. However, the house would get sold, and anything else would either be given away, or just discarded. I have no doubts that they would have some love for my belongings, but I want someone that will "treasure" what I've left behind. Who better to do that than a genetically-linked person born and raised here? True, I could just adopt, and although I would love that child as if I'd given birth to them, but I'd rather experience the 40 weeks of carriage. To me, that would seem like putting more of a connection to it.

So, as I said in my last post, I threw the bait out as to whom I figured's DNA would mesh well with mine. That would mean being particular, and undergoing Artificial Insemination. After taking their family background, height, and looks into consideration, and if they already have children, their behaviorlism towards those. Undergoing AI also signifies that through attorney drawn papers, the father would have absolutely NO link to the child, other than through sperm donorship. Any and all methods of support and contact would be non-existant, by my choosing, and I would be completely on my own (selfish sounding, I know, but to each their own on those views). I've got enough family of my own to get through. This way would keep any confusion down. At least until the child turns of age and wants to know "where's my daddy?" I've got a great comeback for that already, but I shant share it. Some things, I'm keeping to myself. My list was very small, but I managed to cumber up on a few. As I also said, I got a few positive responses, some that I'm weighing, and others either no response or a negative go. "Why don't you just go about it the 'old fashioned' way?" one might ask. Because then, there would be an attachment, of sorts, to the father, and if I'm sleeping with him, he's more than likely going to find out. I don't want that. Clean-cut. That's that. One response was "yeah, I could do that, but how are you going to make sure I don't wound up paying child support?". My response: it will be in black-and-white. Another response was "(the girlfriend &) I have considered your proposal, and if you want me to be the donor, we 3 need to sit down and discuss this together". My response: I have no problem with that. Another response was "how would you expect me to not want to have anything to do with my own flesh & blood?". My response: thank you, but nevermind. And yet another response was "that sounds good, but why don't you save the money, and I'll donate directly". My response: haha..you wish. I've gotten 1 that said no, and 2 that haven't responded at all. So I'm weighing all of my options at this point. ALL of my options.

I may not have made all of the best of decisions thus far in my 30+ years of life, but some I have made good.

Once again, you know more will come about that I'll be telling you. Until the next time I dry your eyes out from excessive reading.....

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Save A Horse....Ride A Cowboy

"Is the movie theater the only place you ever meet guys?"

This was the question that was posed to me by one of my co-workers. It's starting to seem that way. In my own defense, for all intents and purposes, that's not my intentions when I go to the movies alone, midnight releases or otherwise. I meet guys in everyday life, too, or rather at work, but sadly, the options seem limited and confined to those two places.

Enter "Red".

Red, known as such because he takes his "rednecking" and "cowboyism" seriously, is an action movie junkie like myself. So, the night of the midnight release of a very good and popular movie, I get off work at my primary job, head home to take a shower, and get to the theater, only to discover that lots of other "action junkies" had already filled the auditorium, leaving a handful of seats. One of those seats happened to be arm-to-arm with a cutie that was very easy to see in the dark cinema. And it appeared that he was alone. A mere empty seat to his right (on the aisle), one to his left, and then a set of persons. My options for seating were limited, I had my cinnamon pretzel in one hand, my refilled loyalty cup in the other, and needed to hurry and sit down before the previews finished. Let me take this time to mention that since I'm proud of how the "new me" is taking shape (weightloss-wise), I'd taken the liberty of purchasing some short shorts, and decided to wear them that night. I looked cute. Anyways, one of the last previews was quickly coming to an end, and I noticed the aisle seat next to "cutie". I sauntered up the steps, asked him if that seat was taken, he confirmed it was not, and I asked if I could sit there. He agreed, not really paying much attention to me as he was talking. He was into the preview for the action movie being advertised. It was at that point that I noticed how cute he was. I awkwardly tried to balance letting the seat down with the hand that held my pretzel, grazing his leg with it in the process. I apologized profusely, which he quietly laughed off and told me "awe, you're alright".

I finally managed to sit down, dignity in tact, and yes, I crossed my leg, giving him better visual of all the thigh I had to offer. In my periphreal, I caught him glancing at my leg out of the corner of his eye, and he slightly shifted to make room on the shared arm rest for me. I turned to him, thanked him, and told him that I was ok, I'd invaded his space, and he could get as comfortable as he wanted. He returned that offer with a smile, and fully placed his arm back on the rest. I took my time eating my pretzel, one, not wanting to pig out in front of this cutie, and two, wanting to give him an extended version of me licking my fingers after every so-many bites. The pretzel was finally gone, I was working on my drink, the premiere was well underway, and even though it was an attention holding movie, I noticed he'd glance in my direction, and at my legs, which I'd take turns crossing, every once in a while. His attempts at being inconspicuous were out the door. I didn't give him the satisfaction of knowing that I was catching this, but at a few of the funny parts in the movie, I'd graze his shoulder with my hand, laughing, then apologize for touching him...again, which he'd dismiss with "awe, you're alright". Good. I have his attention.

Movie over. I normally wait it out until after the credits to see if there will be any bonus features for a sequel movie, so that's nothing new for me. What shocked me was he sat there and waited, too. The theater was emptying during that time, and a handful of people remained. Should I go for it?

"Man, that was awesome! What I really like is that one of the toughest s.o.bs in the movie shares my name".

Ice Breaker.

"Oh, really?"

I've got his attention.

"Yeah. Gotta have an appreciation for this movie. It was better than the first one if you ask me."

"Yeah. It was. Alot more action in this one."

Conversation starter.

We introduced ourselves and sat there talking about the movie [and a few other things, like the fact that he was moving to Texas in the near future for a new job (he's a welder)] until the lights came back up, and we realized that the cleaning crew was anxious for us to leave. I don't blame them. It was almost 2 a.m. and they were probably ready to go home. We laughed about that fact walking out. As we exited, I noticed the buff under his snug-fitting t-shirt, the thickness under his nice fitting jeans, and the square cowboy boots. Nice. Ladies love country boys. I kinda picked up on that part of him from his country-like accent. He was only missing the cowboy hat, which he wore a baseball cap that night. Outside of the theater I turned on my famous smile, told him it was nice meeting him, wished him a good night, and turned to walk away when I heard behind me

"So, you got any plans right now?"

Yep. Got him.

I turned back to walk towards him.

"Well, I have to be at work at noon, so I've gotta head home to bed."

"Oh. Okay then. Well, what about when you get off work?"

"I tell you what, do you have a phone?"

He hurried to pull the massively cracked-screen phone out of his pocket. I laughed.

"Yeah. You really are hard on your phone, aren't you?"

He gave a nervous laugh as he typed my number in. I gave one last smile, walked off, and glanced behind me, only to see that he was watching me. Yep. He's interested. No sooner did we part and I was making my way to my car when I get a text "Hey, this is Red. I just wanted to put my number in your phone. You have a good night." AHA! So the shorts did it! I'm a crafty one, aren't I?! I text him back thanking him for the well wish, and letting him know I'd lock his number in, thinking that would be the end of it. Not so. As I'm driving, I receive another text. "So, what time do you get off?" Dang, anxious much? We text back and forth for all of 2 hours before I finally told him I was going to get some sleep. He reluctantly wished me a good night, but not before we'd locked in plans to hang out that night when I got off work. He was such a gentleman about it..wanting me to make all the plans as to where we'd go and what we'd do, giving the reasoning that he wanted me to be comfortable with whatever we did that night. I hadn't been on a "date" date in so long! I was excited when I got to work that afternoon, grinning from ear-to-ear, and asking a few co-workers what's the best date venue for a true redneck. Being that I work with a few of them, I got lots of suggestions (like a popular country b-b-que place), among others. I think my co-workers were a quite a bit happy for me because they know I'd sworn off dating and my attitude hadn't necessarily been on point in recent. He was constantly texting me throughout the day, asking how it was going, confirming our plans for that evening, and seeing if I'd come up with any ideas. We finally decided on Buffalo Wild Wings. I wanted to meet somewhere between him and me (he lives almost an hour out of the city..didn't want him too inconvenienced in case the date went south. I DO have a heart), he was insistant that he'd come closer to me, but at my persistance, we agreed to meet at one of the restaurants in the middle. My work day couldn't be over fast enough, and I was in a better mood than I'd been in in a long while. Even the customers noticed, because one of them made a comment "you're in a good mood today". Wow. How would a total stranger know if I'm not like this all the time? Sad to think about it. Maybe they're a regular that I've just never noticed or paid attention to before. Who knows. Who cares.

Most of our deliveries arrive first thing in the mornings, few of which I see since I'm normally gone from my night shift (I work a day shift every couple of weeks) when majority of them arrive, so when I got a "manager to receiving" call half-way through my shift, I was baffled. I hate checking in vendors, and from what I deducted from when I arrived, Coke was the only one that hadn't been there that day. Shit. Oh, well, though. I'm in a decent mood, let me check them in and get the rest of this shit done so I can get the hell out of this place and get to Red.

I wasn't expecting what I got when I let the receiving gate up. The prettiest crystal blue eyes attached to a sexy vision of masculinity in a Coke uniform putting out a cigarette. Damn he's gorgeous. No ring on the finger. This one's mine. Some other black guy was with him, holding the dolly up trying to keep all those 12-packs balanced.

"Late, eh? Not only that, but how dare you show up smoking a cigarette when I'm in desperate need of one?!"

The blue eyes smiled. Did I say "gorgeous"?

"You want one?"

"Naa. Thanks, though. Just hurry up. Y'all are late, and I've got other stuff to do".

Laughing and apologies from both guys, along with explanation of training the black guy for my store's route.

Of course I was flirting my ass off, very unsubtley, might I add. I noticed his name on his badge, "Trent", and made a point of letting him know what I thought about his eyes. The eyes smiled again, he thanked me, and tried, unsuccessfully, to make it unnoticeable that he was enjoying my flirting. Ha. As they were leaving, I just so happened to need to put the trash out, so I quickly found a piece of paper, wrote my name and number on it, hand it to him and told him to use it. There's that smile again.

The rest of my day breezed by, not only anticipating my upcoming date that night, but also wondering if Trent would ever contact me. Both instances would work themselves out.

To say my night with Red was wonderful would be an understatement. We drank, we talked, we laughed, we drank some more (him managing to kill off a bucket of Coors, I barely managed 4 BudLight Limes, and a few sips of some other mixed drink he'd wanted me to try), we closed BWW down. I hadn't drank like that since Nebraska, and I was buzzed off my ass..even on this weak-ass 3 point Oklahoma bullshit. It was the mixed drink that did it, I'm sure. After the restaurant staff managed to get us out of there, we took a stroll across the bridge of a nearby pond. I damned sure didn't trust driving until I knew I was sober enough to do so, and inspite of his numerous stories of evading DUI stops, I didn't want him to do that on my time. I don't want ANYONE doing it on ANY time, but sure as hell not when they're dealing with me. I'd managed to avoid asking Red how old he was, because looking at him closer, he has a baby face, complete with traces of a beard, but his talk was of mature nature. Way beyond his years. He's obviously old enough to be served alcohol, but shit, just how old is the guy? I was gonna have to find out eventually, bracing myself for the inevitable.

"So, I've tried not to ask, but I just have to know, how old ARE you?"

He smiles. What followed was NOT an answer I was anticipating. 13 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME!! Hot FUCKING damn!! Right then, I stumbled, not only from the inebriation, but also from the shear realization that I am now considered what I'd dreaded...I'M A FUCKING COUGAR!! How the fuck can this be happening when I've got a ways to go before I'm 40?? I mean, it seems that since Sven and I broke up, I'd been attracting these guys that put me in "puma" territory left and right, and I was (semi) fine with that, but fuck it all away, I'm no longer a "C.I.T." (Cougar In Training..a.k.a "puma"), I'm a bonafide, to the core, flat out COUGAR!! SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!

Red asked me what was wrong..I guess when my head immediately dropped, it was obvious. He had no idea I was my age. As a matter of fact, he guessed me 7 years younger than I am. I'll take that, but the reality is this is some fucked up shit. I'm a fucking cradle robber for real. He assured me that the age difference meant nothing to him (he told me he'd taken one of his buddy's mom out on dates..in his defense, I guess he was reaching for consolation), but it means something to me. Oh, well, R. I was enjoying myself, so I figured no need in letting that put a dent in the night that I was having. Although it did put a massive curve on my thoughts, he'd been such a gentleman (he's close to his mom, and has 3 older sisters), no use in letting what started off right go sour just because of a little thing called "age". We continued to walk and talk, me moreso wishing my own sobriety so I could go home and cry, and then he surprised me. We stopped on the bridge, and right about then, it started to drizzle. For anyone that's dealt with a black woman, you know majority of us wear weave, this was such a time..one of my good ponytails to boot. I brought the drizzle to his attention and told him that weave and rain don't mix. He spun me around to where my back was against the bridge, took his cap off, put it on my head smiled and said "there. Better?". What the hell is this kid trying to do? Make me fall for him or something? That did it. I was caught up at that moment from that small guesture. Let it be known that even the simplest, smallest things can mean the most. Suddenly, I didn't see him as a "baby" anymore. Right at that minute, his age meant nothing, and his actions meant everything. He must've known he'd struck a positive chord with me, because as the rain started coming down a little harder, he leaned in an kissed me. Just like that. Didn't ask, didn't hesitate, just did it. And what a kiss it was. I even went so far as to wrap my arms around his neck.

We eventually made our way back to where we were parked. By that time, BWW was totally dark, and the parkinglot was pretty much empty. We watched the last of the employees leave, the rain was back to a light drizzle, he turned on the radio in his car (country music, of course), grabbed me, we began slow dancing, and he laid another one of those kisses on me. For just that moment, I felt like a real princess in a fairytale, complete with magical night and all. Dancing in the rain. Why oh why couldn't this "knight" be older? I managed to sober up enough to go home, and told him as much. Neither of us wanted the night to end, but reluctantly, we parted. He called me not long after we parted letting me know how much he enjoyed the night and couldn't wait to see me again. Yes, the hesitation factor was there on my part, but this little boy was winning me over. Not to mention the fact that I could "feel" what he had to offer through those fitted jeans of his when he was leaning against me. If worst came to worst, I could get a good fuck out of him. Afterall, he'd be leaving soon anyway, so what have I got to lose?

Red and I kept in constant contact for the next few days. I had forgotten about Trent, until I got a text from an unknown number.

"Hey. What's up"

Who the fuck is this? And I asked that very question.

"Haha. Damn how many people you give your number to?"

Okay, whoever this is, he's not very smooth, and so far, I'm not impressed.

"Not many, that's why I have no idea who this is. If I did, I wouldn't be asking. And obviously your number isn't programmed into my phone."

"I have blue eyes"

Okay, I couldn't forget those eyes, so I knew instantly who it was. Damn. We text back and forth for a bit before he became a dullard to me. I almost just said "fuck it" with him, because he lost my attention with the way he talked in his texts, but then I began to think that Red will be leaving soon, and I still need a fuck buddy. If nothing else, I'll humor him for the time being just to see if he's worth even that, and if not, fuck him. The more we text, the more I realized just how young Trent probably is. Right about now, I don't give a shit. I'm better off not knowing, whether for just a fuck buddy or otherwise. My damned recent track record is a disappointment anyway, so who gives a shit.

All I know is I have Red on the brain, and I'm not happy about it. We locked in a time to hang out again, and when that day came, you already know what my agenda was. No drinks, no nothing. Just straight fucking. Give him something to remember me by. Boy, did I. He made me smile when he told me that I should have warned him about how experienced I am with pleasing a man, cause I fucked his head up (yes, he said those words). I guess that was a compliment. He also said he could get attached to me. Okay, THAT'S not good. But I guess it doesn't matter since he's moving. He'll meet another Texas girl that will rock his world, and hopefully she'll be closer to his age. I was impressed with the fact that I wasn't a guinnea pig for him, though. He says he'd dated black women before..I don't know if I necessarily believe that, but whatever. It doesn't matter. We've made plans to hang out a few more times before he leaves (in the very near future), both of our work schedules willing. He's been blowing up my phone like I'm the only person on earth he has to text. I'm actually kinda enjoying the attention while it lasts.

Trent is another story. During our intial text session, after I realized he would serve no other purpose for me, I made it clear to him that I'm not looking for a relationship, just a fuck buddy..or as I worded it, a "special friend". He hesitated with a response to that text, but when he did, he said he was ok with that. We'll see if it even ever gets to that level. We've made tentative plans to hang out within the next couple of days, if I even feel like being bothered with him when the time comes. So far, I'm not putting any eggs in that basket.

Oh, and guess who's been blowing up my phone? None other than mister Justin himself. Long story short on that, because I was unwilling to committ to a relationship, he'd gone and found another girl to date. When he told me about her, I cut communication (like I've said, I don't disrespect other women like that), against his pleas (and constant texts) to keep in contact. That explained the situation of the texting at my house, and his sudden want to "just be friends without feeling like we have to have sex all the time". And, it explaind the "issues" he'd suddenly started having. Now, he's single again after only a few weeks (like I didn't see that coming) of being in his version of a "relationship" with that girl, and has been getting on my nerves wanting to hang out, in his words "as just friends"..IF that's all I want. I told him that I'd think about it. I don't really know if I want to deal with him again...on that level, or any level for that matter. I'm kinda burned out on Justin. We'll see, though. Red's leaving, Trent may not pan out, and I'll eventually need some dick. He's left the door open with "if that's what I want", so I know what he's thinking...he's missing this pussy. Ha! I figured he would, and he was all along, that's why he kept texting me after I specifically told him that since he had a girlfriend there was no reason for us to communicate. I just stopped responding to his texts. That didn't stop him from texting, though.

I've also had quite a few other people come out of the wood work..some I hadn't heard from in...damn..."who the fuck is this texting me?" time frame. I really don't know what's going on. Is it the fall season approaching that's got anxiety levels peaking, or is it just "one of those things" where this is happening to me all of a sudden?

You know I can't leave the story like that..there's always more, but I've got things to do today, so I'll have to finish on another post. You're probably tired of reading anyway. I'll give you a sneak preview, though, it has to do with my deciding that I may want to pro-create afterall, and undergo that process with DNA that I know will mesh well with mine. I've got a few guys I've thrown the bone out to pertaining to that, and gotten positive responses...next post, my faithfuls...next post.









Saturday, July 28, 2012

It's All Really Bullshit....Really

"Easy come, easy go" has become my go-to phrase. Yup, you guessed it. As of lastnight, Justin has kicked rocks. See, that's the problem I seem to have, and in need of a remedy for it. Maybe someone, somewhere can riddle me this: why is it that when I was gung-ho about having a relationship, I seemed to constantly come in contact with comittment phoebs, but now that the roles have been reversed, everybody wants to settle down?! Can anyone answer that for me? Is that question even answerable? Seriously?! Where were these nowadays "noble" knights when I was standing in the castle window being Rupunzel? YES, I'm gun shy. How does the saying go, "once bitten, twice shy"? Double up on that "shy" for as many times as I've been bitten. My faithfuls, you're in for another long read, so you might as well get ready for it...

I have to rewind a bit before I go forward. Justin and I had the agreement that we were strictly fuck buddies. I didn't have a problem with it, and I assumed he didn't either, otherwise he wouldn't have agreed to the arrangement. Simple, I come pick you up (he's working on getting a ride), we hang out, you dick me down, I take you home. That was that. I'm guessing that somewhere along the line, our communication got crossed, because he started saying we were "dating", and I referred to us as "friends..with benefits". Somewhere along that same line, Justin started occassionally experiencing a few "issues" when it came time to do the do. Now, because he'd always been so good at delivery, the few times we'd experienced nondelivery, I was easy to dismiss it as him being tired from working so much. Don't think it didn't bother me a bit, though, in the aspect of wondering if he was losing attraction for me. He tried everything in his power to assure me that it's not me (so much so to where he ordered $120 worth of pills on the internet that he had delivered to my house), it's him, but like I explained to him, "put the shoe on the other foot, and tell me how you'd feel if you were doing everything you could, and I either couldn't get wet or couldn't cum...how would that make you feel?" That seemed to be our experience the last few times we attempted conjugation. I think I got part of my answer yesterday when he came over.

He was sitting on my couch, I walked up behind him to kiss him on the top of his head, and he was in the process of texting some other chick talking about possibly hanging out that day. What the FUCK?! Okay, now I'm well aware of the ethics in the "booty buddy" creed, but I found that to be a bit disrespectful, plus, I was trying to figure out how he was gonna manage to hang out with her if he was at my house, AND I was taking him to work lastnight. I got a bit peaved and told him if he wanted to go hang out with someone else, I had no problem taking him home so he could do that. Of course, that lead to his denial of that being anything other than a text and a friend, and doing everything he could to make sure I wasn't mad at him. I told him I didn't have anything to be mad about, and he told me that I didn't. I let it go.

He had no problem with delivery, although he came alot quicker than normal. He blamed it on us not having sex in over a week. Yeah. Okay. What the fuck ever. After we'd done our thing, and I was taking him to work, he, not we, had a nice little discussion. For once in history, I was quiet and just listened. He tells me that I'm confusing him because I say I don't want a relationship, yet he feels I'm treating him like a boyfriend. He may have had a point. I might have started crossing the line a little by buying him little "just because" things here and there, and being inwardly frustrated at the fact that he was dealing with other females (although I can NOT excuse him texting one from my house...this is MY house, and MY time! He can do that shit all he wants away from me!). I had alot to think about on my drive home. I'd been kind of sensing that I may have been getting a little too into him, something I forbid myself to do, 1, because of the age difference, and 2, because I just bought this house and can't just up and move to somewhere that he's allowed to live. Yeah, the state of Oklahoma is VERY strict on living arrangements for felons of his nature. That's as much as I'm going to say about his ordeal. All I know is I looked at it like this, he takes care of me, I take care of him, but maybe I was in violation of the code. Shit. Time to break away.

Later lastnight, I sent him a text telling him that he was right. I may have been sending mixed signals, but I'm just doing me. I apologized and told him he wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. He texts back asking if we could at least still be friends. Okay, in what sense of the word? He says whatever sense I want it to be. More thinking. Naa. I'll pass. If he's realized that I'm starting to get attached, then I need to break completely free. I send him a text telling him that when we met I didn't expect ANYTHING between us, especially after he got back together with his ex, but when we reconnected I had no expectations other than fucking, I still don't want a relationship, however, I didn't appreciate the disrespect yesterday. Then I asked him if he wanted things to continue the way they'd been going with me going back to the way I was, or if he just wants to cut out the fucking and just be friends. He text "I would like to be friends for now and not feel like we have to have sex whenever we hangout if that's ok with you?". The hell it is. If I'm not getting any dick from him, he serves me no purpose. I simply text back "ok". He text again asking if we will still hang out because he enjoys my company. I'm not responding. I'm not sure (or maybe I am) why he had a change of heart from our arrangement, but, oh well. He'll get the message.

And that is that for Justin's 15 minutes of fame in my life. Once again, I'm a SBFISO my next Lawrence. And in the mean time, my battery supply won't go low.

Now, I did warn you that this would be a rather long post, didn't I? That's because I have to take you back to visit yet ANOTHER situation.

Meet "Stan". He's one of Barbara's ex-boyfriends. You know that vindictive side of me that I mentioned like a long long time ago? Well, when Allen and I were dating, and Barbara was doing all that disrespectful shit, I took it upon myself to do a little internet research. Several hours and links later, I came across Stan's name as the boyfriend she was dealing with while she was hot on the trail of Allen. A few months after Allen and I broke up, I did me, went on Facebook, found Stan, and sent him a nice little message letting him know what a cunt his ex-girlfriend is. It took him 9 months to respond to me, but boy has this been an informative acquaintanceship. Come to find out, he and Barbara broke up shortly before/after (I can't remember which) Allen and I started dating, but he'd been pining over her for almost 2 years. I don't know why. The bitch is a beast...not in the good sense. Anyway, the little thoughts I had of more going on between Allen and Barbara than Allen would admit? Well, Stan confirmed for me that Barbara spent the Valentine's day in Nebraska when I was supposed to be there. SON OF A MUTHERFUCKER!!! I KNEW IT!! That lying, cheating, no good, dirty, sorry bastard!! Oh yeah. I threw a nice fit. I don't know what I was more pissed about, the fact that he'd been lying to and cheating on me all along, or the fact that I was stupid enough to ever try giving him the benefit of the doubt. Sorry, Mom's..I'm +1 now. Stan and I exchanged information for all that we knew, and I was able to draw my conclusion that I'm stupid as hell. One of these days, I'll listen to my dad. And my guy friends. And my cousin. And everyone else that saw how the flags were there all along, yet I chose to ignore them. Needless to say, the revelation GREATLY helped my healing process. Just for shits-n-giggles, after almost 3 months (I admit, I hadn't deleted Allen's number, and when I sent a mass text to people inviting them to come see my new house, he responded that he "can't make any promises, but congratulations, and if we can make it, we will". Who the fuck is "we"? I deleted him then..the trouble is, I'd memorized his number...shit) I sent Allen a text just saying "hi" and I hoped he was well. He responded 24 hours later saying he was doing very well, and he hoped I was too. Fuck him. I just wish there was a way to let his sorry ass know that I know about him. Not like it would matter to him, but I'd have the satisfaction of letting him know that I know. Him and his current ugly-ass girlfriend can have a nice life. That bitch is fucked up in the head, too. Any Facebookers know that when someone writes on or tags something to a friend's page, it shows in your stream, you can tell his stupid ass girlfriend ain't right in the head from some of the shit she posts to his wall, and some of the shit she links his name to. HA! I realized I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to ever be jealous of when it comes to THAT relationship. He definitely went down-hill with this one, cause she's fucked up ALL the way around, looks and all! He's a lying cheat, she's a stupid broad. Perfect couple, if you ask me. The sad part is this current girlfriend actually kinda resembles his ex-wife...if after she'd been beaten in the face with an ugly stick, rode hard, and put away wet. I'm no stark raving beauty, but, boy, I tell ya...this one's not cute AT ALL! And one last jab...I know that I have some issues, but this bitch is psychotic...I just seriously sense that about her. I've been tempted to see if I can check out her page and see if I can be proven right (surprise, surprise that I hadn't done it yet after all this time). Naa. It's not even worth it, my time is too valuable. And for some reason, I actually kinda don't really give a shit, either. I give him props, though. He's managed to drag this one out 8 or so months. Kudos to him. Ah, and I can tell that his family isn't crazy about her, either. One of his brothers-in-law posted something about people talking shit (not verbatum) on their page about people in his family and he didn't appreciate it. Well, when I went to his page, I noticed that where it says "so-and-so and so-and-so are now friends", her name was gone from that list. Hmmm. I wonder if it had anything to do with Allen's ex-wife, because she "liked" his status, and not long after, the girlfriend's name disappeared from Allen's daughter's page as well. She's not making a fan of the family. Maybe that's why he's posting stupid shit like "I miss my Queen" on his page with a :(. Strange. Nobody ever seems to "like" those status updates, yet he'll have lots of "likes" for everything else (even if he said "I've  got to take a major shit" he'd probably get 15-20 "likes"). Funny that although the ex-wife and I had that brief situation, we were cool in the same environment. Just goes to prove my point.

I told you you should've been prepared to read. I know someone out there somewhere is enjoying reading about all my drama and thanking their lucky stars they're either NOT like me, or because they're JUST like me, can relate, and know they're not alone in the world...that's why i write about it. I've spent my morning on here, knowing that I worked all night lastnight, and I have to be up again in a few hours because I work both jobs today. I'm a bit tired, too. This shit with Justin, the fact that I'm coming to realize that I think I actually AM jaded, bitter, comittment phoebed...it's all really bullshit really. But you'll know, I'll be back soon with plenty more....Until then, my Faithfuls...

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Hello?? Is This Thing On??

Ahoy there, people of blogsville! So, the last 3 months have flown by, and I haven't kept you in the loop as to what's going on in the world of "R". My apologies for that, but rest assured, I shall bring you up to speed today, and condense 3 months worth of shit into 1 post. How you like that idea? Try to keep up, though, and make sure your reading eyes are on, because although I plan to make it short-n-to-the-point, there's still alot to cram in....So, ready?! Good, I hope so.

Okay, I've been in my new house going on 3 months now. Thankfully, I was able to bypass Mitch's original "beer & dinner" option for moving, and dished out $20 each and a few large pizzas to Ron and Daniel in exchange for their services. I'm truly grateful to the Higher Power for looking out for me on that one. He knew I didn't want to deal with Mitch, hell, I don't think I even necessarily want him to know where I live. Once the word got out that I was moving, Ron and Daniel both offered their services, free of charge, and although "free" was ideal, my ethics wouldn't let me take advantage of that, hence, the $20 to cover their gas and a mini pizza party. Moving didn't take long. I started on a Friday around noon, and was completely unpacked and settled in by that Sunday night. I love my house, my girls love their yard, and all is just gravy (with the exception that my hot water tank went out the other day and a plumber is on his way as I type to check it out...thank God for the 1 year warranty the previous owner paid for!). I'm still working 2 jobs, still trying to decide on new furniture (boy, furniture shopping is harder than I thought!), but broke down and bought a 37' flatscreen TV for my bedroom. I know, I know, all of the ranting I did about not keeping up with the times, and I caved. I have a very good reason for that, though. The picture rolled at the top of the screen on the TV that Eric had given me, so I put that TV in my 2nd bedroom..plus, there's alot more space in there for me to do my INSANITY (yes, I've gone there..well, went there...for a whole 4 days) workouts.

Okay, now to bring you up to speed on the real shit.

Remember Mr. "smells oh-so-damned-good" that I'd mentioned works at my 2nd job? Well, I determined he's not even attractive to me anymore. So, maybe I fudged the truth a little when I said I'd never let him touch this, because I would have turned his world out. Just because he smells good. And he's cute. However, I found out that he's never been with a black girl before, therefore, I don't have the time to school his stupid ass. And his attitude sucks. He's very cocky, and that, to me, is enough to shut up shop. So, he was "x"ed just as quickly as he was considered.

In the midst of this, a sexy someone walked into my 2nd job looking for one of the girls that works with me. "Damn" was all I thought. I can only describe him in 1 word: HOT. I had no clue who this sexiness was that was asking for my co-worker, but I made no secret of asking her, right in front of him. Turns out, he was her brother! We'll call him "Brent". I guess Brent was a little surprised at my boldness, but he smiled at me the whole time, and confirmed that my co-worker was just his sister. He also made it a point of letting me know that he noticed me noticing him. Oh, well, I'm not shy about it. Shortly after he left, my co-worker got a text from him saying "your co-worker is cute". That was all I needed to get the ball rolling. I had her text him my number.

It took Brent 2 days to contact me, but when he did, we hit it off amazingly. I had to go there and ask how old he was, though. If you thought I had a problem with mine and Lawrence's 6 year age difference, Brent is 7 years younger. Shit. He looks my age. Why can't I find a guy closer to my age?! Oh, well. He said he didn't have a problem with the age difference, but, here we go again with being unfamiliar with black girls. Am I the singled out guinea pig for this sort of shit?? Really?! The difference between Brent and Mr. "smells-so-damned-good", though, is Brent is classified as "sexy". "Smells good" is just cute. And very skinny. Brent is more on my level when it comes to attitude and way of thinking. At least I thought he was. We spent almost 3 weeks constantly talking and texting (don't worry, Sven got his time in there, too), and couldn't wait for both our schedules to allow us to finally hang out with each other. The only problem was I sorta knew in the back of my mind that this wouldn't escalate to anything beyond him possibly being my next Lawrence. Turns out, Brent had just gotten out of jail for a felony a few weeks before we met. I won't elaborate on it, but let's just say, his future is pretty much fucked for quite a few years, and I've got too much to lose. He damned sure would've made a hell of a lover, though. I'd told him pretty much from the beginning that I wasn't looking for anything serious, and he said that he wasn't either, but we agreed that we could surely have fun together.

The thing that fucked him was the day we'd finally arranged to be able to get together, we were supposed to do lunch, hit a movie, then a hockey game, and the rest we'd play by ear. We'd been planning it for over a week. The day before we were to hang out, he told me that he'd be helping his dad work on a car that next morning, but would call me when he was done. I told him I would schedule the movie around that time. That day came and went. The next day came and went. 3 days after we were supposed to hang out, I sent him a 1 word text: "WOW". That was all I could say. I hadn't bothered to contact him before, because what I've finally let sink in and come to terms with is if a man wants to deal with me, he will. I don't have to chase him down no matter how bad I want to fuck him. Sorry Ass didn't even respond to that text. I waited another day and sent him a text telling him that if he'd changed his mind about hanging out all he had to do was tell me, but his silence wasn't cool, I thought he was better than that. He responded to that text telling me that he waited for me to contact him, but it was whatever. How the fuck was he waiting for me when the agreement was for him to call me when he was done working on the car? and I asked him that. Didn't hear from him anymore. But I did see on his Facebook page a little over a week later that he was "in a relationship" with some other girl. That explained it. When, where, and how this chick came on the scene is beyond me, but, oh well. I deleted his number.

So, there I was again. Sven never let me down. As a matter of fact, I started missing him a little more, and wishing that he lived closer. A little after I'd sworn off Brent, lo-and-behold, I get a text from a local number:

"I hope you're doing ok. I'm sorry for the way things happened and I don't blame you if you don't respond to this and never want to speak to me again. Me and my girlfriend broke up, and I just wanted to know if me and you could at least be friends"

I had to laugh. I knew who it was, but I wanted to play with him just the way he tried to play me.

Me: Okay, who is this?
Him: Justin
Me: Oh, well I'm sorry to hear about your break up
Justin: It was for the best. I got tired of her shit. So I guess you don't mind talking to me again?

Do I, don't I. Hell, I'm fucking horny. I haven't had any dick since February, and this "toy" shit is getting old. Right now, I'm not worried about a 10 year age difference.

Me: I guess not
Justin: Thank you. We never should have stopped talking
Me: Whatever. What's up?
Justin: Hey, you still want to take me up on that dinner and movie?
Me: Maybe. I'll let you know when I can
Justin: Ok. Let me know when you have time. You not mad at me?
Me: Never was mad, and I'll let you know
Justin: Ok. I'm looking forward to it

I was fucking him a few days later. We never did do the whole "dinner" thing. It was a movie, the pool hall, the corner store (for some condoms), then my house. It's amazing how much alcohol can make you release inhibitions. I made it clear to him again that I didn't want a relationship, I just wanted a cool "buddy". We'd had that conversation before when we first met, and he agreed that that's all we'd have. I have to give it to him, although he's insecure about his size and his abilities (he's expressed to me that he is), he's yet to disappoint me.

It's been told to me that I'd better be careful, because although he and I both said we didn't want relationships, his constant texting and always wanting to be around me, and getting offended when I'd rather hang out with my other friends sometimes (I've managed to squeeze in a few movie dates with one of my female friends), and wanting me to go to Arkansas with him to meet his family, could be saying different. I don't know. I'm not a man to figure out the male psyche like that. All I know is what he said. He could just be sprung. I only get to see him once or twice a week because we have polar work schedules, but when I need him to deliver, he'll put his sleep on hold to come through for me. I appreciate that in him. I appreciate that he appreciates what he's getting from me.

Justin's come a long way in the couple of months that we've been hanging out. He made me feel good the other day when he told me that I'm turning him into a "man". What he means is because I enforce him opening doors for me, I let him take the upper hand when going somewhere, taught him how to balance his checkbook, I talk to him and not at him, and I don't act all silly and air-headed like the females he's used to dealing with. Don't get me wrong, we have loads of fun together, like going to Walmart's toy department and throwing a frisbee around, or seeing who can tickle each other the most...we have our fun times, but I'm glad he realizes I'm not just "some broad" he's knocking off..I'm a lady and to be respected as such. He does a very good job of it. See, just from him telling me that, I realized that he was looking for a mother figure. As I'd said before, according to him, his mother basically just kept a roof over his and his sibling's heads, and kept food in their mouths. Life's lessons, he's having to learn on his own. The lesson that landed him in jail was the hardest.

I don't know how long Justin's and my fling will last, but I'm enjoying it while it is. Lawrence's shoes have been filled for the time being, but nobody will ever be Lawrence. Justin comes damned close, but that was an indescribable period in my life that may never be duplicated. Of course, there are several times that I pray won't ever be duplicated, but I just live one day at a time, and take it as such.

Sven is doing well. We still have our pretty much daily conversations. Unfortunately, they're not as long as they once were, but I attribute that to the fact that one or both of us is always needing to get some sleep. He's been out here to see my house since I moved in, and he likes it. I won't deny that I still have feelings for him. How can I not? The man is attentive to me mentally and emotionally. I'm still not sure where our road is heading, either. Once again, I'm just taking one day at a time.

I've been contemplating if I'm ready for a serious relationship again. A few co-workers at my 2nd job and I were discussing that very topic the other day. I'm still leery, because I can't shake the thought that I'm always the one that walks away wounded, and I don't quite know if I'm ready to put myself out there for that to happen again. I mean, don't get me wrong, the thought of being with someone, just me and them, is beyond wonderful, but at this point, is that what I really want right now? Am I ready for that again? Or am I just in love with the thought of having that? Still something I'm trying to figure out, and I guess until I'm able to answer that question with a firm "yes", I guess that means I'm not. Seriously, though, with the way I work, I don't know where I'd find the time to try and make a relationship work. Right now, I wouldn't be able to spend as much quality time with my man as I'd want to, and that can be very taxing.

I don't know. All I do know is that my dogs are worn out from barking at the plumber, my hot water tank is working again (it was just a bad thermal couple (?) that he had to replace..that was fast), and I'm about to go take a hot shower...