Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Never Say "Never"

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Words I didn't hear at the stroke of midnight. I was sleep by 9 New Year's Eve. Nevertheless, that could be a good thing. They say what you're doing when the clock strikes 12 is what you'll be doing all year, which means I'll be getting more rest this year if the saying holds true. Working 2 jobs can take a toll on the body when you're working up to 15 hours 4 days a week, up to 11 hours 2 days a week, and only getting 1 day off. Up through this point, that's all I thought I needed. That was fine with me, having just Sundays off. Well, maybe I need more. Working so much has kept my mind occupied, kept me from fretting over the fact that I'm getting older, still "technically" single, and not even the thought of an actual real relationship anywhere in sight.

In my previous post, I mentioned that I scrolled through my "X" files on my phone's contact list and ran across Lawrence's number a while ago. Hadn't spoken with him in a year. What the hell, what harm would it do to reach out? I will say that I was shocked he still had the same number, and even more shocked that he answered his phone. We chatted very briefly, long enough to find out he's still dating the girl he crushed my sexcapades for, he's got a good job now, and long enough just to tell him I've got a new house and job. I think the conversation lasted all of 10 minutes. Maybe 10. I thought by hearing his voice I would kind of lose it and beg him to fuck me one more time, but instead, I actually had the opposite reaction..sort of like a closure to that chapter in my life. Maybe the fact that he sounded and seems to be happy is what did it, and even though I'd have preferred to keep him as a fuck-buddy, I wish him nothing but happiness, even if it doesn't include fucking my brains out on a regular basis.

I have to admit, 2012 wasn't a total loss. I do, like everyone, have some decisions that I regret making, some things I wish I'd have done, and some things I could have done differently, but some things I'm glad I experienced.

While I'm on the subject, as you know, you all hear about things that I dare not even tell my closest friends. My cousin Coco is about the only one that gets everything out of me. I share a lot with Wally, but some things I don't. I guess you could say I do have a little fear as to how he'll view me, and my "good girl" (ha!) image will be shattered.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, as well as everyone who knows me knows, and all the guys I've dated have been warned, three things I've always said I'd NEVER do: 1) illegal drugs, 2) have a "three-some", and 3) never sleep with another woman. In my 30-something even years, I'd managed to hold true to all of those. Now, I only hold true to two.

The illegal drugs would be an easy one to admit, something like smoking pot, or trying ecstasy, or even snorting a line of cocaine maybe. And there aren't many people who've never done a "three-some" before. So what if I said that either of those were tried, and I'd determined that maybe I did or didn't like the experience of them? Well, when it's all said and done, after having been put on Vicotin by a doctor earlier last year for a medical condition, that was enough to remind me that drugs are NOT for me. And those are legal. I don't like being out of touch with reality, and the fact that I've lost 4 days out of my life because recollecting anything that I did or said while under the influence is out of reach, I say "thanks, but no thanks" to anything further. That was, like Sven called it, a "4 day mental vacation". Yeah, well, I wish I could say I had some enjoyment from that "vacation" and not just complete memory loss of it. Maybe because of those "autopilot" days, I had a three-some in the process. Not likely, but anything is possible, eh? Because of the fact that I wasn't even interested in sleeping with 1 person at that time, I'm pretty damned sure that excluded me from sleeping with 2. I will say that I completely do understand now when people say that drugs "numb" them, keeps them from feeling, and how Dr. House (I loved that show) kept the emotional and physical pain away (he was addicted to Vicotin on the show).

"Terry" is another manager at my job. When he and I first met, he was engaged, so anything other than business was out of the question on either of our end. Definitely on mine. Not only because he was spoken for, but also because he's black. I've said it time and again that I don't rule out black men, I just hadn't found one financially or mentally on my level, therefore, for the last past, what, almost 10 years, I'd found compatibility (if you'd call it that) of some sorts in men of other nationalities. Work was work, and there was never anything in our dealings that would be considered inappropriate by work or by personal standards. It just so happens that somewhere along the lines, not long after I started working there, Terry & his fiancé  called off their engagement. He went through the motions of "damn, now what?" that most people do after a shattered relationship, and after 9 years of off-and-on with that woman, I could understand. Of course, after hearing some of the shit he'd been through with her & her 2 kids, I could tell he really loved her. Me, being me, determined that I'd be the "shoulder" during that time, because hey, we all need a shoulder after something like that. I figured since they'd been through this before, maybe things just needed time to blow over, and they'd get back together. What I didn't know was that the fiancés babies' daddy had come back on the scene. That makes a lot of difference.

I'm not necessarily accident prone, and hadn't had a vehicular accident in 17 years, so why was I being nosey one day, not paying attention to the road, veered off, and fucked up my car by running into a curb? Yes, almost $3k in damage to the passenger side of my SUV. Thank goodness for good insurance. Terry was my savior in the aspect of getting me from work to the rental car company, and it was during that brief time in his car together, that something changed between us. Suddenly, we were opening up to each other, and having "inappropriate" personal conversation. Mind you, I'm no fool in the aspect of knowing this man just got out of a relationship, and I had the words "REBOUND PROSPECT" plastered across my forehead. I hadn't had sex in months, he, according to him, hadn't had sex in months, so why the hell couldn't we help each other out? Here's a black man (my daddy would be proud) who's financially on track, we appear to be mentally compatible, he goes to church, and hell, we both had frustrations that needed to be released. Not on that day, though.

Over the next couple of weeks, Terry and I began hanging out together outside of work. We'd take turns buying lunch (I had to insist on picking up the tab sometimes), he'd swing by my office just to talk, buy me little "just because" gifts, and things just seemed to be on the right "rebound" track. Again, I'm no fool in that aspect. I'm wide awake, but the attention felt so damned good. Terry is everything I could ever pray to God for in a man, and it wasn't just while I was getting to know him. I could tell by he way he carried himself before we got personal that alerted me to that fact as well. Now that he's single, why the hell won't he kiss me?! After a few weeks of nothing but nice, warm (his body generates heat) hugs, hand holding, and cheek & forehead kisses, I finally asked him straight out "so when are you going to really kiss me?". He side-stepped the question with a nervous laugh, and for a minute, I thought something was wrong with me, or maybe he just wasn't ready to go there yet. Fuck this. My body was on fire, and wanted some serious affection! Yeah, I may know what role I play right now but shouldn't I at least be able to get a real damned kiss?! He finally told me one night that we needed to talk, and the only reason we were going to have this discussion is because he finds himself caring for and about me more than he thought he would. He came over to my house, we exchanged hugs, and I went for a kiss on the lips, to which he responded by turning his head. Uh-the-fuck-oh.

First, I find out that I'm not the only one that's dated strictly outside of black. Okay, no big deal. That makes us a 1st for each other in years. Readjusting. And then the bomb gets dropped on me.

Terry: What do you know about the gay and lesbian community?

What the fuck? Please don't tell me you're gay!

Me: Well, one of my brothers is gay, why?

Terry: Okay. Wow, Terry, are you really gonna do this? Okay, what do you know about transgender?

Huh??!!

Me: Not much. Terry, where is this going? Please don't beat around the bush with me

Terry: Look, I have to tell you this because I need to you be informed about what you're getting yourself into. I care about you and need to be completely honest. My only request is that you don't tell ANYONE at work. No one besides you will know this

Silence.

Terry: My birth name was "Theresa"

If I hadn't been sitting down already, I would have fallen. There is nothing about him that says there was ever a Theresa. The body & facial hair, the voice, the boobs, or shall I say, "lack-thereof". NOTHING. I've been around the homosexual community for a long while. Not only am I related to one that I'd go to gay clubs with, but I've got friends that are gay, and up through this point, I prided my "gaydar" abilities. Could spot them from a mile away.

Me: Terry, look, if you're having second thoughts about dealing with me, just say so. You don't have to make up shit just to get rid of me, damn!

Terry: R, I'm not. No man will make up something like that

Me: Well how the hell doesn't anyone at work know about this?

Terry: I'm in the process of gender reassignment. I've been on testosterone for 8 years, hence the deep voice, facial hair, not having boobs, and my driver's license and paperwork say I'm male

Me: But you were engaged!

Terry: She's bi-sexual

So that explains it! That's how "baby's daddy" slipped back in so easily. That explains the male "sensitivity" and emotional connection that's been too good to be true! That explains why he...or shall I say "she"...hesitated with anything beyond moderate physical contact. It's all so clear now.

Terry: Now you can see why I hesitated with kissing you. It's not that I haven't been dying to, because goodness knows I've wanted to devour you, but I couldn't do that to you without you being fully aware of what's going on with me

I couldn't do anything but stare at him...her...whatever the case may be. Terry leaned forward, looked me in my eyes, and suddenly the denial part of me was ready to go full fledged.

Terry: I'll understand if you want me to leave now

Silence again on my part. This shit was NOT happening to me! 9 years of not dating black men, I finally find one I'm attracted to on every level, and he says he used to be a woman! WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH MY LIFE???!!! I can't fucking win for losing! I think I'm gonna cry.

Terry: Well, say something please?

With what little voice and strength I could muster to talk, I finally responded.

Me: I think you're lying. There's no way. You're too much of a man

Terry: (laughs a little) That's because I am a man. I've even got a penis now

Oh, shit! I'd heard about that with the clit being elongated, but I'd never seen one before. Now I'm curious.

Terry: Would you like to see it?

Me: Yes. I mean, NO! Look, if you're telling me the truth, I want to act like you didn't

Terry: (laughing) R, but...

Me: No, I met you as "Terry the man", I've only known you as "Terry the man", and I want to keep it at that! Please don't ever mention this to me again, ok? We're gonna act like this conversation never took place

Terry laughed a little and leaned back on my couch. I sat still for a minute, and something from somewhere in me suddenly didn't care. My head was spinning, and it was all that I could do to keep from fainting. I tried to block out that entire conversation and leaned against him. Into his arms. He wrapped his arm around me, kissed me on my forehead and whispered "the conversation never happened".

Anyone that knows me knows that my curiosity spans beyond what it should. For a few days after that conversation, Terry pulled away. He said he was unsure how to proceed with me because he'd sprung some very unexpected news on me, and he, like mostly everyone, fears rejection. I thought about the time he and I had been spending together, how he made me feel, and how my curiosity was in overdrive with wanting to see this gender transformation. I got my opportunity. After I assured him that I was still not accepting the news, he relaxed a little bit. Suddenly, kissing wasn't an issue, because we laid it on thick. And OMG, do his hands know how to explore my body.

One night, he came over to watch some movies. Once the movie started, the chemistry between us started to churn. He got comfortable on my bed, wrapped his arm around me, and let his hand begin to explore my breasts. One of my weak spots. When that happened, all inhibitions were gone. He finger fucked me and ate my pussy so good, I came more than I had in a very long time. I was dry as cotton when it was all said and done. But, I yet hadn't seen "little Terry" as he calls it. I begged him to see this miracle of modern science. When he pulled down his pants, and showed me that little fella, it was more than I could believe. Maybe 1 1/2 inches long, it actually has a head...like a REAL male penis! He put my hand on it and let me play with it for a bit, but I was curious as to know what was beneath. He slipped my hand further down to where I felt all the wetness, and slid my fingers inside of him. Yep. A woman. A woman with a penis. And he gets wetter than me! That's the sad part. What's more, since I'd gone that far, I might as well go all the way. Since I'd never been with a woman before, I didn't know what the hell I was supposed to be doing. He laughed at my uncertainty but told me to suck on him like I would any other man. Nice that I got rave reviews even from him in that department.

He's kinda gotten ahead of me in the game now, because he's talking moving in together, wants me to be his girlfriend (I'm still privy to the fact that he's still possibly in "rebound" mode, so I've told him we should just let things evolve, not rush it), "marriage", kids, the whole nine yards. He even wants me to quit my 2nd job and he take care of me. I have to admit, that thought within itself is intriguing, and our talk about kids and how good of a "daddy" he'd be hasn't eluded me. We've gone so far as to discuss egg splicing (to combine our DNA..I'm not a fan of that because it doesn't seem natural), sperm donors, and after seeing Allen's pictures on Facebook, he's agreed to going that route for that purpose. I reached out to Allen and his fiancé with our offer, and they've agreed, with the counter offer that they not be completely excluded from the child's life. Made me feel kind of good when Allen's fiancé messaged me and told me Allen said I'd be a great mom. Thanks for that. Never knew he'd noticed. It's up in the air. Not sure if I'm really ready for all of that...the whole "moving in" thing and the "marriage" shit. Or even just being with a 'wo'man. One would probably classify me as bi-sexual at this point, because I still love my "born a man" men, so this whole predicament has me a unsure. I yet can't say I'm attracted to women; just this one. There's the whole strap-on thing (until Terry's surgery is complete and his "penis" elogated), but how long would I be able to go without the actual feel of flesh-on-flesh in that manner? How the hell would this go over with my family? Just the thought makes my head hurt, so I try not to think about it. I try not to think about anything. Like I said, I'm unsure about all of it.

Haven't had much luck with men, would it be any different with a woman? As always, we'll all find out together.....

 

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