Let's just call me straight out "crazy". I admit it, I am. I have severe psychological issues that I really need to see a specialist for. I'm not being silly, I'm serious. You'd think that I'd learn my lesson of going out of my way to be thoughtful and nice to people that don't deserve the luxury of smelling my shit, but I hadn't. Well, I take that back, this recent experience has left a very sour taste in my mouth, a taste that I don't foresee leaving anytime soon. Today marked the 2 year anniversary of Allen's son's death. Last year, he broke up with me just before the day, and pretty much kicked me in the teeth for the rest of the year, so, why in the sam hell did I feel the need to send him a sympathy card? Being that death is a soft spot for me, especially someone like a child, I couldn't help myself inspite of. I mailed the card one day last week hoping that he'd get it just in time for the 2 year vigil today. It was a simple card that said something about "memories last a lifetime...thinking about you today", along with a poem about a rose blossoming. Nothing extravagant, just simple to let him know I remember. I figured he should have gotten it, so I text him.
Me: I was hoping it would arrive in the mail by today...
Nothing. I know he's probably a wreck at this point, but he could at least acknowledge my text and not leave me hanging. I'll try this again, just in case he didn't get the first one.
Me: So just in case you don't get it right away, I tried to have it post marked in time to have it arrive today. Our thoughts and prayers with you all
Allen: Yes I got it. Haven't read it yet. Thanks.
What the fuck?! That did it. My days of even trying to be cordial with him are completely over. First of all, he didn't have the decency to let me know he got it, second, what the fuck did he mean he "hadn't read it yet"??? That is by far the rudest shit. He could've left that part out. I mean, you don't receive a nice gesture and then tell someone that you're not acknowledging the fact that they did it for you. I mean, if I hadn't text him I may have never known he got it. And before I get blasted about the fact that "he's having a hard day", and for me to consider the situation, I could, but not when he's been on Facebook acknowledging people giving their thoughts to him. Namely, Barbara. Yes, after the texting, I decided to log into good ol' Facebook and see if the vultures were out. Well, first of all, I saw that his current girlfriend posted on his wall the other day "No matter how hard the times may get my love, I will always be here to hold you up", and he "liked" it and wrote "Thanks Babe.....you are the best". Okay, so she's the best this year, when I tried to do the same thing last year and got spit in the face. Okay. I see how he is. Punkass. Then, Barbara, yes, Barbara (it was shocking to see something from her because she hadn't posted on his wall since he and I were together, I don't think) wrote "I am with you today don't forget. Love you" and he "liked" that and wrote "Thanks Barbara. I hope you are feeling better. Love ya". And of course, Jackie had her bits to say on his wall about them being in her thoughts and her loving and missing him. He hadn't responded to that yet. I know it may sound extremely selfish of me to be thinking like this on a day like this, and maybe I shouldn't be, but I know if someone is reaching out to me at a time like this, I'm going to at least be responsive and not just blow them off.
Wally: You're an irritant to him
Me: What do you mean I'm an irritant to him?
Wally: Okay, I hate to be the one to say it, but when will you learn that he just doesn't want to be bothered with you? He doesn't want anything to do with you
Me: That's a crappy thing. See, that's what I don't understand. HE broke up with ME, and I'm yet the one trying to extend the olive branch. What did I do to him that's so horrible that he treats me like crap, but not any of the other females?
Wally: It doesn't matter
Me: Yes, it does. I mean, I'd really like to know why I keep getting treated like this
Wally: No, it doesn't. You remember I told you that you may never get any answers? Well, this may be one of those times. Hopefully now you'll realize what he is, move on and leave him be
Wally's words took a moment to sink in, but I finally got it. No, I may never know why of all the females Allen deals with, I'm the victim of his assholeship, but Wally's right. It doesn't matter. I realize now that you just can't be nice to some people. Some would argue that I'm not over Allen, and if I wasn't then, I am now. Seeing how he's responding differently with this girlfriend at this time versus how he kicked all of my teeth out at this same time last year, then he sent me a "cold" sounding text, yeah, even I have my limits. Last year he was "too busy with his jobs, dealing with his son's death, and wasn't ready to give up his freedom", but just a few months later, his whole tune changed. As the saying goes, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them". Allen showed me a long time ago who he is, it's sad that it took a year and an incident as simple as him not reading a card for me to believe it. I take that back, I believed it then, but my denial period is up. (And yes, there was some anger, bitterness, and jealousy because of these things...but again, it doesn't matter)
Anyway.
Sven and I have been communicating. He's even gone so far as to tell me that he's been miserable without me, and part of him wants to beg me to take him back, but part of him thinks that we wouldn't work. I have to admit, I've missed the shit out of him, but the negativity of thinking that it probably wouldn't work again, that's probably the way it would be. I'm sorry, but when I go into a relationship, I don't look at the "what if it doesn't work out?" factor. I like to believe that it will, because if you think it won't, then it won't. You can think that it will, and it not, but if you go into it thinking like that, then that's the way it will be. It does feel good, though, knowing that someone misses being with me. He's the first guy (besides my ex-husband) that's ever told me that, and that kind of lets me know that I may not be such a bad girlfriend afterall. That, or he has issues just as bad as I do so he doesn't know the difference. Okay, that was a joke, but it has some truth to it. I can't say that we won't ever give it another go, but his mentality towards things would definitely have to change. Right now in my life, I have no room for negativity, and I'm locking myself in a little shell of not dealing with it unnecessarily. From anyone. I'm even trying to watch my level of negativity.
Justin is still hanging on. He's still trying to get in on my extra good side, even going so far as to ask me if I'd ever consider him to be a "buddy". He got a solid "no", but he refuses to go anywhere, so I'll just let him stick around til I get tired of him, or find someone else. From the looks of things, though, the former may happen sooner.
I finally messaged Mason back letting him know that I've moved on with my life, just as he needs to do, leave me the fuck alone and to stop messaging me. He blocked me on Facebook. Good. Saved me the hassle of doing it. His brother and I still talk. As a matter of fact, I'm wondering what his brother's MO is, because he's been texting me and calling me alot lately. Nope, that's not an avenue I'm going down, but it does kinda lighten my mood to hear how beautiful and sexy I am from a man who's brother I used to date. Ha. I'm not one for keeping it in the family, but I'll take the compliments.
Can't forget about Will. Needless to say, whatever he had going on with that girl is over. She deleted him and the posts she'd put on his Facebook. Well, I don't know who deleted who, but they're definitely not Facebook friends anymore, and suddenly, he's been texting me again. Hmmm. Strange sequence of events. That's how I know what's going on, because he text me, so I had to go see what crap they were going through. And of course she's been writing on her wall about people being assholes, and someone missing their well when their water runs dry, and dealing with shit from people that they'll get back...she's taking this pretty hard. Can't say I blame her, because I've been in her shoes a few times. I know exactly how it feels to invest all of yourself into someone just to have them shit on you. I actually feel sorry for her. We live and learn. So, I've returned the texts, but, that's as far as anything with Will will go. He fucked up by blowing me off. First time, shame on you, second time, shame on me...I don't take too well to shame-on-me's.
You know, there are very few people in life that get a second chance with me, and that's not just in relationships, that's period. I hold grudges. I don't forgive easily. And I damned sure don't allow someone who shit on me the opportunity to do it again. I lost a really good friend last year after the whole "Allen" thing because he treated his girlfriend the exact same way Allen did me, and I disassociated myself from him. He was like a brother, and he's been trying to get in good again, but I'm leery because I don't condone people that shit on other people. The jury is still out as to whether I'll befriend him again.
I guess we'll all find out together how these things will play out....
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