God love my mother. She's as bad as I am viewing people through rose colored glasses. She was well aware of everything that had transpired between Allen and me (she and I have a very close relationship like that), but she yet stood by her thoughts of "he's a good man, he just has some mental issues he needs to work through". She doesn't always put that much faith in people (especially guys that I date), because there've been several guys that I've dealt with that she didn't care for at all. One thing I will say, though, is she somehow always seems to be right about the guys in my life. Why she can't always make accurate judgement of men in her own life is beyond me, but when it comes to me and her calls on my love life, she's batting 1000.
My Mom: R, why don't you see if he wants to come to Texas with you for Thanksgiving? That way we can finally meet him and he can meet us
Me: Mom, he's not going to come. Even though he says he's single again, I'm sure he's got his head up some other females butt, and isn't thinking about me or y'all
My Mom: You don't know that. It doesn't hurt to ask
Me: Whatever. No, I don't know that, but if I know Allen, I'm pretty sure that I'm right. He's not the type to be without female companionship. You see his pattern
My Mom: Well, why don't you just ask him to make sure?
Me: Okay. I'll shoot him a text, but I can't make any guarantees of him accepting the invitation
I thought long and hard about doing that. My better judgement would tell me not to even bother asking Allen to accompany me, because even though I already knew how it would play out and he'd reject it, I didn't want to actually see his rejection. But, I'd given my mother my word that I would, so I did. I waited a few days after her and my conversation before I did it, but eventually I got around to it.
Me: (via text) Hey, you. I hope all is well. I'm going to Texas this year for Thanksgiving and wanted to know if you'd like to come with?
Allen: That might be fun. When are you leaving?
Me: I'll leave Wednesday and return Friday
Allen: I'm sorry, I've been drinking a little
Me: LOL. No problem. Enjoy yourself. You deserve it. Just let me know, okay?
Allen: Okay, I will
And that was that. Even though he didn't immediately say "no", something told me that his open-ended response would lead to a "no", so I didn't get my hopes up. I told my mom of Allen's words, and she said that she'd message him on Facebook to reinforce the invitation. Why we were going through all of this with and for a man that couldn't give two shits about me is beyond me. I had no doubts that Allen would respond to my mother's Facebook message (remember, they had a decent relationship inspite of never meeting), but I was hoping that when he let her down, she'd begin to see him in the same light that I now viewed him. Once again, it was the classic case of "I hate you...because I love you".
Facebook's streaming (for anyone familiar with it) shows when people friend people, and one day not long after, I noticed my stream showed that Allen had friended a girl that we'll call "Laura". My stomach immediately started churning, because something about Laura told me this was Allen's latest conquest. I resisted the urge to check out her page, determining that if she indeed was his latest, I surely had no desire to see what "joy" and "love" he brought to her life, and visa-versa, that didn't happen between him and me. I'd gotten enough of that from the previous girlfriend's posts on his page. I tried not to think about it, because he hadn't changed his relationship status, but that strong feeling about her wouldn't go away. I might as well go ahead and get the rejection out of the way now.
Me: (via text) Hey, would you do me a favor and let my mom know that you have no interest in coming to Texas with me? She's got some delusional thoughts about our friendship, and maybe she'll understand if it comes from you that you're not trying to deal with me or my family on that level
It took him a while to respond. I guess he had to ponder on exactly what he was going to say.
Allen: (via text) I'll message your mother
That's it? You'll message my mother? That was a bit of a slap in the face. No counter to what I said, just "I'll message your mother". I knew what he was going to say, maybe not verbatim, but I had a guess of the jest.
Me: (via text) Thank you. Look, it's not that I wouldn't like for you to accompany me and I would enjoy your company on the trip, but I know you've got alot going on and you stay busy..so...
Yeah, but not so busy that he couldn't keep dealing with other women. He never responded to that, but my mom did tell me that he messaged her back politely declining the invitation to attend Thanksgiving with us. I already knew that and told her that he's too busy with his head up this new girl's butt to think about us. Maybe now she'd leave it alone and move along like I'd been trying to make myself do for almost a year.
I was done with him, but I wasn't done with him. Thanksgiving came and went. Another holiday spent single. You'd think I'd be used to it, but, somehow, I wasn't. Holidays are supposed to be family days, and although I have my immediate family, my extended family, and my "family" of close friends, the feeling of being incomplete sets in being single on those days. And as if things couldn't get any grimmer, on my arrival back from Texas, Lawrence called me to tell me he'd met a woman that things were getting serious with. Great. There goes my buddy. I was disappointed, but I knew it would happen sooner or later. I didn't expect that things would continue between us the way they were forever, but the timing on that sucked ass majorly. Right then and there, I knew our escapading days were over. Forever. Not that we couldn't still communicate, but again, Lawrence knows how I operate when it comes to things like that ("booty buddies not allowed"), and our association would be limited to Facebook. I thanked him for making me aware, but silently envied the new girl. Lawrence was everything a girl could want, including myself, I just couldn't get past our age difference. Oh, well. I don't know how he'd been single as long as he had, because what girl wouldn't find him attractive...in every aspect. Literally, he's tall, naturally tanned, handsome, great body, intelligent, well-to-do financially, awesome sense of humor, a master in bed.......damn.......my loss.
I needed to get that one last cry out over everything. My heart had been hurting for several years, and had never completely recovered, and with each loss, that just chipped away more and more at what I'd hoped was a stable foundation. That's when I realized that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. I had a couple of days of a "boo-hoo" fest, and then decided I had one more thing to do. I hadn't heard anything from Will, he hadn't posted (that I could see) anything on Facebook, that girl hadn't posted anything relevant (other than a few posts about them hanging out together), but another friend of his had tagged him in some posts about partying. So much for him being so depressed and distraught. I decided I was going to sit down and write him a long email explaining how he'd affected me, how he'd taken my mind off of Allen (against my better judgement in doing that..that was giving him too much power), and wishing him the best with this girl. I was surprised when he responded a few days later telling me that he's not seeing anyone seriously (bullshit), and he apologized for the lack of our communication. Said he'd been in the hospital again (mmmhhhmm. I'm sure), and he wanted to meet me as soon as possible. Really, now? Okay, so let me see what's going on then. The day after I received his message, I tried calling him. Of course, no answer. When he'd called me to break our first scheduled meeting, the phone number that he'd called me from was yet in my phone (shows how many different numbers call me), so I decided to call the number back. It was his job. I asked to speak to him, and they transferred me to his extension. No answer, but the voicemail was his voice. I hung up, dialed that number again, anonymously, just in case he had caller ID at work, and guess what? THE BASTARD ANSWERED THE PHONE!
Will: Will speaking
Me: Good afternoon, sir. I'm glad to see you're still alive
Will: (silence)
Me: Hello?
Will: Hey. Yeah, I'm here. Hi
Me: Hi. Look, I still had this number in my phone from the last time you called me, and just decided to try calling it back. I didn't realize it was your job, but I wanted to make sure you were still alive and doing ok
Will: Yeah, I'm ok. I was in the hospital again for a while for observation. Sorry. But, hey, can I call you back?
Me: Yeah. No problem
Sucker. I sent him a text telling him that I didn't mean to catch him off guard with the call, but since he never answered his cell or responded to texts, the only thing I could think to do was call the last number he'd called me from. He responded saying he was glad that I was concerned about him and cared enough to check up on him, and would call me later. As if that later ever came. He did send me a text a few days later saying that he was in an emotional slump and wanted to see me, he wished there was a way for us to get together soon. Ah, so him and the girl must be on the outs. I went to her Facebook, and saw that she'd recently updated her status to something about "just because you don't see her crying on the outside, doesn't mean she's not crying on the inside. Why can't I just be happy?" or some shit like that. I figured as much. I text him back telling him that whatever I could do to help his mood, I'd be willing to do. Let's see where that leads. He did respond saying that I could help by having my way with him and his body. I knew something along those lines were on his agenda. Knowing that that would never happen, I text back saying "you read my mind. Just let me know when and where". No response. I haven't heard from Will from that day to this. Oh, but the girl's mood has changed, because she tagged him in some post of her's saying how she's "blessed to have a 'special friend' in her life that loves her for who she is", and he checked the "like" button on it. Ha! Good bye, Will. I can't say it was fun playing with you, but I enjoyed the little mental escape for the short time that it lasted.
I guess Allen was in my subconscious just as much as he was in my conscious. I had a dream shortly there after about him and Laura being together, so I sent him a text asking him.
Me: (via text) You're seeing someone else now?
Allen: Why you say that?
Me: I had a dream, and I'd rather ask than depend totally on my dreams for info
Allen: I am kinda. I date, people I meet through friends, but I'm still single
Yeah. Whatever. For then.
Me: Can you answer something for me, please? And please be completely honest
Allen: Sure
Me: How can you just move on with your life so easily? You said you weren't and didn't think you'd ever be ready for a relationship, but yet you immediately started dating again, and then you jumped right back into a relationship shortly after? And why is it you refuse to be close to me and associate with me like you did with your other "friends" when we were together? How can you do that?
Allen: I don't know what you mean. But I didn't jump right into one. It was a little time after when I did. And I found out later that was a mistake
Wow. He called that relationship a "mistake"? Hmmm. I wonder how many people he'd said that to about me.
Me: Well, I'd just like to know how you can do that. It hurts to know you can move on so easily and I've been single every since we broke up. You made an imprint on my life far worse than any other man in my life. That should show the difference between what I felt for you and others. I want to move on but hadn't been able to
Allen: I don't know. Maybe just emotions. Maybe scared of commitment, not getting over my son. I don't know, R. As much as I'd like to say I'm stable, I'm not. I'm screwed up. Damaged goods
Me: You're not damaged goods, Allen. And anyone that expects you to get over your son is a fool. You never will, but it's learning to cope. So what was I? Just a temporary bandage?
Allen: No
Me: Was I just emotions, then? Knowing what I really was would help
Allen: I don't know, R. I know that isn't fair to you, but that's just me being honest
So, he's back to playing on my emotions about his son, just like my father had warned me he was doing all along. Yeah, I never mentioned that my dad never had a good feeling about Allen from the beginning. It's funny, because I don't talk to my dad about guys I'm seeing. My mother, yes, but being that I'm a "daddy's girl", I'm alot like a guy that's close to his mother in that aspect...not everyone is worthy of meeting daddy. So, for me to even mention a man to my father, that guy's got to be something really special to me. It didn't help that when I told my father and step-mother about Allen, without them even knowing much about him, they immediately told me to break away from him. They weren't picking up good feelings about him. Now I see why.
Me: Thank you for your honesty. That's helped
Allen's being "single" didn't last long, because within 2 weeks, his status changed to "in a relationship" with....guess who....Laura. My dreams nor my intuition have lead me astray all this time. It was just a matter of time. I was still fighting the urge to see if I could see anything she posted on her page (I still hadn't checked), but so far, she hadn't done anything on his. He hadn't said anything about her, either. I thought that strange, being that when we were together, he'd post about us, and even when he was with the recent ex-girlfriend, he was posting things about her, so why hasn't he said anything about this girl? Suddenly, it hit me. It's one of three things. Either he's embarrassed about jumping into another relationship so soon after his last girlfriend, or he's "just not that into" her enough to post about her, or...and this is a long shot, but very probable...he really does like her, and he's just protecting her from the "vultures", so as long as he's silent, then the chances of them rearing their heads is slim. Even though they could see his status, nobody really pays attention to that stuff unless they go to someone's page looking for it. As long as that's not happening, Laura is safe. Good strategy. Wish I'd have gotten it so easy. What's done is done. Life goes on.
Allen's not being able to tell me what I was to him was the stimulation I needed for my heart to finally be in conjunction with my head. Would there still be some care left? Of course, but the "hopes", "thoughts", and "dreams" of a reunion between Allen and me were no longer there. It amazed me that the little words "I don't know" could have such a big effect.
Now it was time for me to delete my online dating profiles. There was alot I needed to process, and I needed a clear head with no distractions to do it. The day that I was in the process of doing it, I took one last search through the guys on one of the sites. I was just browsing with no intent of making contact with anyone, but I came across a profile of one guy that stood out. His profile picture wasn't the clearest, nor the best of quality, but when I clicked on his page, I didn't expect what I got. Aside from the profile picture, he had 2 other pictures on his page, one of him in his Halloween costume, and the other, a photoshopped picture with his face considerably blown up. None of his pictures gave a clear view of what he really looked like, but his profile was of interest. He's looking for "long term" only, divorced, no kids but wants some, employed, from Sweden (he's a legal U.S. citizen), and, obviously, into interracial dating. Hm. Interesting combination. I read a little further. He seemed extremely real and genuine in his paragraph. Alot of guys do, and then the "real" them comes out, but something about the fact that he was bold enough to post pictures like that on his page showed he has a sense of humor. I like a good sense of humor. What I picked up from that was the vibe of "if you're going to like me, you're going to like me, regardless", whether the pictures advertised him as a GQ model, or as someone that should be on the cover of a comic book. I had to send him a flirt, just to let him know that I got his humor, and thought it was cute.
I didn't think much more about it, but I didn't remove the page right away, just in case he flirted back. A few days later, I got not only a "flirt", I also got a message from Sven.
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