Well, my faithful readers, another day, another thought, another blog post. I wonder if any of you get a kick out of my "downtimes" as much as I do? Times when I absolutely have too much time on my hands to think...times when I miss being so far from my family. Here's a thing, though, I miss them when I'm not around them, but after so long of being around them, I'm ready to escape back into the confines of my own little world of serenity...which is, arguably, being alone in Oklahoma. The pros and the cons of moving back to Texas have been weighing on my mind recently, but the actions towards the steps of actually doing it aren't coming to fruition. I guess because I've become comfortable here. I'm yet close enough to where I can get to them when I want to or if I need to, yet far enough to where I truly feel like an established adult out in the world making it on my own. Years ago after Anthony and I broke up, if you'd asked me if I'd thought I'd have still been living in Oklahoma, the answer would have probably been a solid no, but, yet, I've had no motivations to move anywhere else. Of course, I've come close, like when Mason and I discussed me moving to Kansas, or when I was seconds from moving to Nebraska to be closer to Allen, but being that none of those situations panned out, I've come to realize that maybe I'm in Oklahoma for a reason. I've yet to determine the exact reasons as to why I seem to be "stuck" here, but for whatever reason or reasons, my stability is very much a comfort to me right now. So, for now and the foreseeable future, I'll continue to ride it out as an "Okie", and stay in my little "complacent" zone.
Now, I'm done with the whole philosophical venting. Truth be told, I'm very much missing Sven right about now. The whole break up is still fresh (it's only been 2 days), and the routine that we'd established of talking on a regular basis had me so accustomed, that yesterday I deleted his number from my phone to keep from calling him. We had awesome chemistry and a very real emotional connection, and to say that I won't miss that would be an outright lie. I'm kind of feeling it at this point. No, the sexual compatibility wasn't there as I would have liked for it to be, but we were close on so many other levels, we could talk to each other about any and everything, which we did, hours upon hours on the phone together when he wasn't in Oklahoma or I wasn't in New Mexico (it was actually my turn to visit him this week) or we weren't in Amarillo. Every conversation was enlightening for me, and I looked forward to every one of them. For the entire month that we were "officially" a couple, I felt more secure with him than I had with any guy that I can ever recall. The PDA, just being able to snuggle up to him, and the assurance in his voice if something wasn't right in my world for a moment. What I learned in that relationship was that sex, although an important part of a relationship, isn't..........ah, well, I never thought I'd think this, but it really isn't..........everything. And even though he may not have been able to be there for me in that manner as much as he'd have probably desired to be, he definitely offered the emotional and mental connection, and that's something I'd been missing from my very 'first' "love" at the age of 14, until now. Alot of times, a person doesn't realize how important something is, until they no longer have it, and it didn't take me long to realize it. No, I didn't want to deal with the ex-wife, and yes, I wanted to have as much sex as possible, and if it weren't for those two factors, we'd have had the "perfect" relationship. As I mentioned to my cousin just earlier today, I can "physically" connect with anyone (that's never been a problem), but an emotional connection runs so much deeper and holds so much more value. One could argue that the need for sexual satisfaction would probably eventually get the best of me (as you've probably guessed, I can be quite the "horn dog"), but I've had a great share of it, and when I hit menopause age in the VERY FAR (hehe) future, sex probably won't even be something I think about very often. So then what will I have if there's no mental/emotional connection or compatibility? Oh, well. Que' cera cera.
The thing with Justin isn't going anywhere. The more I talk to him, the more I realize he's not even a candidate to be the next Lawrence. I can't even envision having sex with him. For starters, the things I could do to him would probably blow his mind, and then I'd have to deal with his little version of being in "puppy love", and really, I don't want to even bother with it. Granted, his age plays a role in the maturity factor, but I just don't think I like him. I've realized that he's become just "something to do" to bid my time until someone else comes along and catches my attention. Yes, Justin has a great body, yes, he's a cutie, and yes, he'll probably be alot of fun to go to a rock concert with (by the way, he invited me to one with him in a couple of weeks...I've never even heard of the band), but to sit and have a heart-to-heart conversation, to have someone to "get" me and I "get" him, to have that overall general "click", he's not it. He doesn't do it for me. That alone has turned off him doing it for me physically as well. So, while I'm in pursuit of my next "buddy", I've made sure to replenish my supply of AAA batteries. We had them on sale at work this week, 24 pack of Duracell Ultra for $4.99 with my employee discount and a coupon. I bought 3 packs.
While I'm on the subject of buddies, I found myself making a ride by Lawrence's apartment early this morning when I got off of work. His car wasn't there, and I have no idea if he's moved or what. I haven't had a conversation with him since November, and before he got this girlfriend (I'm assuming they're still together because I haven't heard from him), I would have surely been right at his place sometime today. He was always my "go to" guy when I'd be in the dumps. Something about our wild sexcapades always seemed to change my mood. I think he knew that, that's why he always came through for me. He liked me, and I liked him, but as I've stated so many times before, that damned age difference just got me.
Okay, if I had to describe and if I could "build" my "perfect guy", you know, like that experiment on the movie Weird Science, this is what he would be:
**Jake Gyllenhaal's facial features (I'm so in love with this man!!)
**Ryan Gosseling's body & build (I'm quickly becoming a fan)
**Jonah Hill's humor
**John's work ethic
**Daniel's parenting ethic
**Allen's smile & family ethic
**Sven's connection ability, fidelity, & "whatever makes my woman happy" mentality
**Mason's charm
**Wally's charisma, chivalry, respect, & "choose your battles wisely" mentality
**Anthony's....okay, scratch that...there's nothing about Anthony that I remember fondly
**Ron's "clingyness"
**Will's voice
and
**Lawrence's sex
There. That's my "perfect" man. And he'd be ALL MINE! I like that thought. "If I build him...he will come (and he will surely 'cum' as well..hehe) (okay, that was just me being dirty right there..shows where my mind is right now)...." Wishful thinking. As if that type of technology existed on my Dell computer. For all of the men that I've written about that I didn't list, there's nothing about them that I'd throw into the pie. In other words, I'm wondering "why the hell did I ever bother?". Granted, of the men that I've listed above (with the exception of the first 3, whom I don't personally know), there are several other positive attributes of theirs that I'd mix in as well, but the qualities listed are the forerunners on what stands out with me and what my idea of my ideal guy is. Too bad he probably doesn't exist. If he does, he just hasn't found me yet. (Hey, if anyone knows of where I can find the software or hardware, or whatever I need to design, develope, and print him out, please let me know..thank you!)
Ha, I'm so feeling some Michael Buble right now. I can hear the song "I Just Haven't Met You Yet" playing in my head. I think that song will be my new theme song for the time (I think I'll go download it, too). In the mean time, life goes on.
Until the next post, my faithfuls!
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