I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself

I'm so glad that some people take the time to actually get to know the real me for who I truly am. That helps in instances when people like Mason are messaging people around me, I'm guessing in an attempt to make them dislike me. What he failed to realize, though, is those that do know me won't give him the time of day nor believe his shit. After he messaged Sven, Sven messaged him back telling him "hm. Who should I believe? A man that I have no clue who you are, or R, a girl that I know?" and told him not to message him, me, or anyone that I know ever again (good looking out, Sven). That must have hurt Mason's ego, because he messaged Sven back with some childish, smart-ass response along the lines of "whatever, tough guy. I'll message who ever I want" and then blocked Sven on Facebook. Sven and I both sarcastically agree that you aren't someone until you've been blocked on Facebook by someone you don't know...the next quest will be to get blocked by someone you actually do know, and then you'll really be somebody. I love Sven. He makes me laugh. We still get lost in our hours-long conversations, losing track of time and everything around us. "Well why the hell don't y'all just get back together?" one would ask. Would we like to rekindle the flame? It's a mutual yes, because the flame seems to have never gone out. You never know what the future holds, but for now, things are fine as they are. Sven has mentioned several times that he feels bad about us breaking up, and I appreciate his remorse over all that happened, yet I don't want him to associate with me out of guilt or anything. He's stated several times how much he misses me (and I've told him the same), but I want the miss to be about me, not out of feeling bad because of the issues that broke us up. Only time will tell how this scenario will play out. He sent me another Facebook friend request, and I've added him again. For now, we're just taking our time, enjoying each other with no pressures from either side.

My dear Justin is an ass. I woke up the other day to a missed call (I hadn't deleted him from my phone yet) and a voicemail from him. When I checked my messages, thinking it was something important for him to be calling me being he has no reason to since he has a girlfriend, all I heard was a bunch of jumbled talking and static. After a moment, I realized that he must've not deleted me from his phone and did an accidental pocket dial. I text him asking if he realized that his phone had done that, and his reply was "no. who is this?" What the hell do you mean "who is this?". It's been 2 weeks, and obviously you hadn't deleted me from your phone for you to have pocket dialed me, but you're asking "who is this?". Dumb ass. I responded telling him it didn't matter who this was, I just wanted to let him know that he's pocket dialing and to take care. He responded that he knew it was me, he was sorry about the pocket dial and he hopes I'm doing ok. I didn't respond. Why bother and waste my time? I bet he felt stupid when, or if, he realized that I knew he couldn't have pocket dialed me unless my number was still in his phone. That just further shows me how immature and idiotic he is, and I'm glad I dodged that bullet.

Not much to speak about in the dating world at this time. To be completely honest, I haven't given much thought (maybe for the first time in my life) to dating lately. I've been so pre-occupied with buying my house (I move next month!! Yay me!), and started working a second job, there hasn't been much room nor time to think about much else. Okay, the reason for the second job is that, inspite of some of my bad decisions in men, I am a realist in other facets. The second job is only part-time and temporary. My primary job will take care of the bills, and the second job is so I can furnish my new place with new furniture and fix it up just the way I want it. I have an apartment full of furniture now, but something about moving into a new place, actually buying a house, makes me want to deck it out. I've picked up little things here and there already, like a little doggie statue with a "welcome" sign hanging in its mouth, for my front porch, and been scoping out backyard lawn furniture, a kitchen table set, new livingroom furniture, new bedroom sets...oh, I'm not giving up my california-king-sized-double-pillowtop bed in my bedroom yet, but it's time to upgrade for the other rooms. I've even considered coming into the high-tech world and investing in a flatscreen TV for my livingroom. I'm so old fashioned in that aspect, I still have the box TVs. Hey, they work, and nowadays, I can get a bigscreen big box for dirt cheap, so, why change it? I'm not trying to win a popularity contest for the most high-def equipment. The way I see it, these play just fine, the color quality and picture are in tact, everything works on them, so why in the world would I come off of hundreds of unnecessary dollars for a television when the technology on it will be near extinction within a couple of years and the "next best thing" will be the rave and spend hundreds of dollars on that, when I've got all of the quality I need in $60 32inch big boxes? I've had the one in my livingroom for years (I paid a few hundred dollars then when I bought it for my ex-husband), and the one in my bedroom was a gift after my 27 inch blew out. I feel the same way about blueray. My regular DVD players work just fine. Like I said, if I do invest in the 52inch flatscreen I've got my eye on, that will be a major splurge for me, and probably the last thing on my list to get. No offense to anyone that feels the need to keep up with the times, that's just my personal belief. Either way, little by little I'll have my house just the way I want it. I'm not too keen on the carpet in there now, it's like an ugly beige early 80's type of carpet, but I'll eventually replace it. I'm thinking something along the lines of cherrywood stained linoleum. With me having dogs, the whole "carpet" idea isn't really my forte anyway. The previous owners had a built-in surround cherrywood-looking book shelf/computer desk installed (that was one of my "fell in love with" key points...that, and the huge privacy-fenced backyard), and the kitchen and bathrooms have recently been remodeled/updated, so other than the carpet, I probably won't do too much to the house itself. Oh, and I'll eventually replace the stove. It's a bit outdated too. For the time being, though, as long as all of the electric burners and the oven work, I'm not in a hurry.

I'm excited. Can you see why dating hasn't been a priority? If I'd taken people's advice a long time ago and found something to keep my mind occupied (like I have now), I probably wouldn't have gone through half the shit with men that I've gone through. As a matter of fact I know I wouldn't have. Something about when you strive for more in life, people that are "beneath" you at that point don't really matter anymore, and you don't want to deal with anyone that's not on the same wave length or higher. Yes, I've got a bit of a case of the "big head" now. Not that I think I'm better than anyone, but I'm definitely better than the shit I've allowed myself to go through when it comes to men. I can't really blame them all the way, because if my standards were higher than what they'd been, then I would've said "see ya" without a second thought the moment shit started going south. "You're how old and you have what?" "I'm doing this, this, and this with my life, what are you doing with yours?" "I hope to accomplish this by this time, what are you accomplishing?" Yeah, with this step in my life, my standards just got a little higher.

Eventually I'll get to a point again where I'm lonesome, and my song and dance may change by the time I move, start getting comfortable in my new place, and the newness and excitement of being a homeowner starts to wear off, but I'm enjoying this little cloud that I'm on right now. No worries, no problems. I take that back, I do have problems...99 of them, but right now, a man ain't one.... 

This Means War

Anyone familiar with the country song "I Pray For You" will relate to my feelings about Mason right about now. Sven brought to my attention yesterday that Mason had sent him a message on Facebook. In this message, Mason supposedly copied and pasted an alleged conversation that he and I had, namely this last one where I told him to fuck off and not message me anymore. Sven forwarded the message to me and the first thing I noticed was that alot of the conversation text had been changed. Conveniently, the part where I told him "I don't owe you anything....it's been over 1 1/2 years....I've gotten past/beyond that whole situation, just as you need to do...you need to move on with your life just as I have, and I care that you DON'T FUCKING message me ANYMORE" was left out, and some text referring to me being pregnant and tricking him into sending me some money for an abortion had been inserted. And then, some response to that message had allegedly been sent back to me, of course, a message I never got. Ah, Mason. The tricky bastard. I see he wants to take this to another level. Messaging people close to me. I'm so glad Sven has gotten to know me better than to believe this bastard. I asked Sven to message him back and include the fact of not messaging him anymore. If Sven puts it in writing for Mason not to message him again, any further communication will be considered harassment, and I will SURELY be contacting Mason's Major. I realized that's why Mason must have blocked me on Facebook, because he didn't want me messaging him pertaining to messaging people around me with his bullshit, and changing up the conversation in the process. Well enough. What he didn't configure, though, is that anyone that knows me, knows better to believe his shit. Remember I said people like Mason can bring out the manipulative psychotic vindictive side of me? He's doing a good job of making that dormant side want to come out. I laughed it off when I first read the messages, but then my brain started churning. If he messaged Sven, I'm now wondering if he messaged Allen but he just hasn't told me? Not that it matters, because what's done is done, in Allen's case, and he can believe what he wants to believe, but just the thought that this sick, twisted bastard would do this, and for what reason? Because he's mad that I wouldn't give him another chance? Or is he that hard up for money that he's trying to con me into submission and admitting some shit I didn't do for some money that I don't owe him? Seriously, it's been over 2 years now since Mason and I were together, and I've long gotten over him, but it doesn't seem to be the case for him. My gosh, have I spurned a "jilted" lover myself? Do I now have, what I once wished for, someone who wants me so bad they're willing to go to extremes to get back with me or get back at me for shunning them? They say be careful what you wish for, and that hadn't been a wish in a VERY long time, but, if I wished it, maybe it's coming to fruition long after I've stopped wishing that. Whatever the case may be, I'll just be waiting to see what move is made next. Sven agreed to message Mason back telling him not to message him anymore, so now it's a matter of "fuck Mason, unless he messages again". At which point, Mason will be wishing he'd have just gone on with his life and left me alone, like I warned him to, and he'll regret the day he met me. So far, nobody (that I know of) has ever actually regretted the day they met me, but for once in history, I'm willing to make that happen. If he wants to play dirty, I'm coming with full artillery. None like he's ever seen in his "sheltered" military captain career. A bull's horns can be deadly (Mason's a Taurus) and instantaneous, but a scorpion's sting can be more fatal, because, from what I hear, it's a slow, painful death...one so painful that it makes you wish you were dead long before you die. You don't even feel the venom coursing through your veins, until it reaches the major arteries and organs, and then.......B O O M ! ! !.........

And in Forest Gump's words, "that's all I have to say about that".

Yes, Sven. As I said before, we've been communicating. I added him back to Facebook (I'd deleted him the day we broke up), and now, it's a matter of seeing what will become of us. He's made it clear to me that he misses me badly, and yes, I miss him just as much. The door hasn't been closed in that situation. He's the first of any that managed to keep me from closing it on him. I guess because he's a different kind of guy. As I've mentioned before "they shoulda kept me when they had me, cause once I'm gone, I'm gone", but Sven was smart. He seems to have figured me out already. As long as he keeps in contact with me, the door stays open. I hadn't had the opportunity to be "gone" with him. I admit that I was the first to reach out to him after we broke up, but his reciprocation has been the determining factor. After adding him back on Facebook, I saw on his page where he'd left a message for me the day after we broke up "I thought I was ready for a relationship but I wasn't and had to break up. R, if you ever read this, know that I am truly sorry. You're amazing, and I wish I could have been just as amazing for you". Okay, I have to confess, I saw that message the day he posted it, but just didn't want to admit that I was stalking his page. Anyone could've guessed that I was. His page was private (I'd asked him to set it that way because I have some nosey people on my page that would've been stalking his page when we were together), so he had to have made that particular post "public" just for me to see it. For the first time, since my ex-husband, I can honestly say that someone is displaying real love towards me. Not that "fake" shit where the word just gets tossed around like a rag doll, but a true display. I've heard the "L" word out of the mouth of several men, but none of their actions ever matched. I was talking to a co-worker the other day (bad move, I know) about the fact that in 3 consecutive years I've had 3 failed relationships. All within the time frame of January or February. Of the 3, my co-worker told me that Sven sounded to him to be the only one even worth considering, and the other two, I should've told to "kick rocks" the day it happened and never look back. Smart kid. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to let Sven go, because my head and heart both register that this man had/has REAL feelings for me. Lastnight we had one of our hours-long conversations (crap! I forgot to call Wally back!), and we've decided to take things slow. Regardless of where this road may lead, I can surely say that for twice in my life, I was actually LOVED.

My anxiety level has been on the rise a bit lately. I'm trying to buy a house. Enough said for anyone with the experience. Headache central. I had no idea of all the details home ownership entailed. All the damned numbers and figures...nothing like buying a car. I'm excited to be a first-time home owner, and I know the rewards will be great, I just wish I'd been warned of the stress that comes along with the process. It'll all be worth it in the end, though. Thank God my dad has been close on hand to help walk me through it step-by-step. He's a pro in that arena being that he's purchased homes, property and such. Cross your fingers for me!

Justin is history. I guess because I wouldn't "give him any" he decided to explore other terrain. We were supposed to hit the movies together one day this past week, and the day before, I got a text from him saying

"Hey R this is Justin, I have something to tell you and I hope it doesn't make you too upset or angry, but me and my ex have stayed friends since after the break up and we were talking late last night and early this morning and decided we both do still love each other and always have so we are now back together, I'm sorry if this disappoints you and being an inconvenience"

Good riddance. No, Justin, I'm neither upset, angry, nor disappointed. Maybe just a bit baffled by the fact that a woman 14 years his senior is really that desperate for a man, but not that he's moved on...or rather, gone backwards. Again, to each his own on the age difference factor, and I don't knock anyone for their choices in the matter, I just don't see what a woman who's damned near 40 could want with a man that much younger than her (besides the sex), and other than a mother-figure, the same for him. He did express to me on several occasions, though, that his mom was never really a "mother" to him, and outside of the basics of keeping a roof over his and his siblings heads, and food in their mouths, she did little else. Just typing that gives me an idea of his issues. Like they say about promiscuous women and women that deal with alot of men, "they have 'daddy' issues" (it's been thought about me, but contrare. I'm just a rebel), he seems to have "mommy issues". That wasn't a role I was willing to play in his life, so, the best to them.

"Okay. Thanks for letting me know. Take care of yourself"

was my response. He text again asking why wouldn't he let me know, and I responded that was a good question. Maybe because not all men are mature enough to let a woman that they're supposedly interested in know and just disappear. He responded that he's not that type of guy, and he wished me the best as well. Ehn. It was bound to happen sooner or later. As a result of my unwillingness to "put out", my AAA battery supply is depleting. Oh, well. That's why I bought so many.

Nothing from Will lately. I text him the other day asking if he planned to disappear on me again. His reply was an apology, and alot of shit going on. Typical. I haven't bothered since.

Welp, that's my life-to-date. And between all this madness, I'm just working, religiously going to the gym (stress relief), taking care of my girls (the dogs), and living life. I wonder what next week will have in store. You'll know as soon as I do.

And I Wonder If I Ever Cross Your Mind...

Let's just call me straight out "crazy". I admit it, I am. I have severe psychological issues that I really need to see a specialist for. I'm not being silly, I'm serious. You'd think that I'd learn my lesson of going out of my way to be thoughtful and nice to people that don't deserve the luxury of smelling my shit, but I hadn't. Well, I take that back, this recent experience has left a very sour taste in my mouth, a taste that I don't foresee leaving anytime soon. Today marked the 2 year anniversary of Allen's son's death. Last year, he broke up with me just before the day, and pretty much kicked me in the teeth for the rest of the year, so, why in the sam hell did I feel the need to send him a sympathy card? Being that death is a soft spot for me, especially someone like a child, I couldn't help myself inspite of. I mailed the card one day last week hoping that he'd get it just in time for the 2 year vigil today. It was a simple card that said something about "memories last a lifetime...thinking about you today", along with a poem about a rose blossoming. Nothing extravagant, just simple to let him know I remember. I figured he should have gotten it, so I text him.

Me: I was hoping it would arrive in the mail by today...

Nothing. I know he's probably a wreck at this point, but he could at least acknowledge my text and not leave me hanging. I'll try this again, just in case he didn't get the first one.

Me: So just in case you don't get it right away, I tried to have it post marked in time to have it arrive today. Our thoughts and prayers with you all
Allen: Yes I got it. Haven't read it yet. Thanks.

What the fuck?! That did it. My days of even trying to be cordial with him are completely over. First of all, he didn't have the decency to let me know he got it, second, what the fuck did he mean he "hadn't read it yet"??? That is by far the rudest shit. He could've left that part out. I mean, you don't receive a nice gesture and then tell someone that you're not acknowledging the fact that they did it for you. I mean, if I hadn't text him I may have never known he got it. And before I get blasted about the fact that "he's having a hard day", and for me to consider the situation, I could, but not when he's been on Facebook acknowledging people giving their thoughts to him. Namely, Barbara. Yes, after the texting, I decided to log into good ol' Facebook and see if the vultures were out. Well, first of all, I saw that his current girlfriend posted on his wall the other day "No matter how hard the times may get my love, I will always be here to hold you up", and he "liked" it and wrote "Thanks Babe.....you are the best". Okay, so she's the best this year, when I tried to do the same thing last year and got spit in the face. Okay. I see how he is. Punkass. Then, Barbara, yes, Barbara (it was shocking to see something from her because she hadn't posted on his wall since he and I were together, I don't think) wrote "I am with you today don't forget. Love you" and he "liked" that and wrote "Thanks Barbara. I hope you are feeling better. Love ya". And of course, Jackie had her bits to say on his wall about them being in her thoughts and her loving and missing him. He hadn't responded to that yet. I know it may sound extremely selfish of me to be thinking like this on a day like this, and maybe I shouldn't be, but I know if someone is reaching out to me at a time like this, I'm going to at least be responsive and not just blow them off.

Wally: You're an irritant to him
Me: What do you mean I'm an irritant to him?
Wally: Okay, I hate to be the one to say it, but when will you learn that he just doesn't want to be bothered with you? He doesn't want anything to do with you
Me: That's a crappy thing. See, that's what I don't understand. HE broke up with ME, and I'm yet the one trying to extend the olive branch. What did I do to him that's so horrible that he treats me like crap, but not any of the other females?
Wally: It doesn't matter
Me: Yes, it does. I mean, I'd really like to know why I keep getting treated like this
Wally: No, it doesn't. You remember I told you that you may never get any answers? Well, this may be one of those times. Hopefully now you'll realize what he is, move on and leave him be

Wally's words took a moment to sink in, but I finally got it. No, I may never know why of all the females Allen deals with, I'm the victim of his assholeship, but Wally's right. It doesn't matter. I realize now that you just can't be nice to some people. Some would argue that I'm not over Allen, and if I wasn't then, I am now. Seeing how he's responding differently with this girlfriend at this time versus how he kicked all of my teeth out at this same time last year, then he sent me a "cold" sounding text, yeah, even I have my limits. Last year he was "too busy with his jobs, dealing with his son's death, and wasn't ready to give up his freedom", but just a few months later, his whole tune changed. As the saying goes, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them". Allen showed me a long time ago who he is, it's sad that it took a year and an incident as simple as him not reading a card for me to believe it. I take that back, I believed it then, but my denial period is up. (And yes, there was some anger, bitterness, and jealousy because of these things...but again, it doesn't matter)

Anyway.

Sven and I have been communicating. He's even gone so far as to tell me that he's been miserable without me, and part of him wants to beg me to take him back, but part of him thinks that we wouldn't work. I have to admit, I've missed the shit out of him, but the negativity of thinking that it probably wouldn't work again, that's probably the way it would be. I'm sorry, but when I go into a relationship, I don't look at the "what if it doesn't work out?" factor. I like to believe that it will, because if you think it won't, then it won't. You can think that it will, and it not, but if you go into it thinking like that, then that's the way it will be. It does feel good, though, knowing that someone misses being with me. He's the first guy (besides my ex-husband) that's ever told me that, and that kind of lets me know that I may not be such a bad girlfriend afterall. That, or he has issues just as bad as I do so he doesn't know the difference. Okay, that was a joke, but it has some truth to it. I can't say that we won't ever give it another go, but his mentality towards things would definitely have to change. Right now in my life, I have no room for negativity, and I'm locking myself in a little shell of not dealing with it unnecessarily. From anyone. I'm even trying to watch my level of negativity.

Justin is still hanging on. He's still trying to get in on my extra good side, even going so far as to ask me if I'd ever consider him to be a "buddy". He got a solid "no", but he refuses to go anywhere, so I'll just let him stick around til I get tired of him, or find someone else. From the looks of things, though, the former may happen sooner.

I finally messaged Mason back letting him know that I've moved on with my life, just as he needs to do, leave me the fuck alone and to stop messaging me. He blocked me on Facebook. Good. Saved me the hassle of doing it. His brother and I still talk. As a matter of fact, I'm wondering what his brother's MO is, because he's been texting me and calling me alot lately. Nope, that's not an avenue I'm going down, but it does kinda lighten my mood to hear how beautiful and sexy I am from a man who's brother I used to date. Ha. I'm not one for keeping it in the family, but I'll take the compliments.

Can't forget about Will. Needless to say, whatever he had going on with that girl is over. She deleted him and the posts she'd put on his Facebook. Well, I don't know who deleted who, but they're definitely not Facebook friends anymore, and suddenly, he's been texting me again. Hmmm. Strange sequence of events. That's how I know what's going on, because he text me, so I had to go see what crap they were going through. And of course she's been writing on her wall about people being assholes, and someone missing their well when their water runs dry, and dealing with shit from people that they'll get back...she's taking this pretty hard. Can't say I blame her, because I've been in her shoes a few times. I know exactly how it feels to invest all of yourself into someone just to have them shit on you. I actually feel sorry for her. We live and learn. So, I've returned the texts, but, that's as far as anything with Will will go. He fucked up by blowing me off. First time, shame on you, second time, shame on me...I don't take too well to shame-on-me's.

You know, there are very few people in life that get a second chance with me, and that's not just in relationships, that's period. I hold grudges. I don't forgive easily. And I damned sure don't allow someone who shit on me the opportunity to do it again. I lost a really good friend last year after the whole "Allen" thing because he treated his girlfriend the exact same way Allen did me, and I disassociated myself from him. He was like a brother, and he's been trying to get in good again, but I'm leery because I don't condone people that shit on other people. The jury is still out as to whether I'll befriend him again.

I guess we'll all find out together how these things will play out....

I'll Just "Build" Myself The "Perfect" Man

Well, my faithful readers, another day, another thought, another blog post. I wonder if any of you get a kick out of my "downtimes" as much as I do? Times when I absolutely have too much time on my hands to think...times when I miss being so far from my family. Here's a thing, though, I miss them when I'm not around them, but after so long of being around them, I'm ready to escape back into the confines of my own little world of serenity...which is, arguably, being alone in Oklahoma. The pros and the cons of moving back to Texas have been weighing on my mind recently, but the actions towards the steps of actually doing it aren't coming to fruition. I guess because I've become comfortable here. I'm yet close enough to where I can get to them when I want to or if I need to, yet far enough to where I truly feel like an established adult out in the world making it on my own. Years ago after Anthony and I broke up, if you'd asked me if I'd thought I'd have still been living in Oklahoma, the answer would have probably been a solid no, but, yet, I've had no motivations to move anywhere else. Of course, I've come close, like when Mason and I discussed me moving to Kansas, or when I was seconds from moving to Nebraska to be closer to Allen, but being that none of those situations panned out, I've come to realize that maybe I'm in Oklahoma for a reason. I've yet to determine the exact reasons as to why I seem to be "stuck" here, but for whatever reason or reasons, my stability is very much a comfort to me right now. So, for now and the foreseeable future, I'll continue to ride it out as an "Okie", and stay in my little "complacent" zone.

Now, I'm done with the whole philosophical venting. Truth be told, I'm very much missing Sven right about now. The whole break up is still fresh (it's only been 2 days), and the routine that we'd established of talking on a regular basis had me so accustomed, that yesterday I deleted his number from my phone to keep from calling him. We had awesome chemistry and a very real emotional connection, and to say that I won't miss that would be an outright lie. I'm kind of feeling it at this point. No, the sexual compatibility wasn't there as I would have liked for it to be, but we were close on so many other levels, we could talk to each other about any and everything, which we did, hours upon hours on the phone together when he wasn't in Oklahoma or I wasn't in New Mexico (it was actually my turn to visit him this week) or we weren't in Amarillo. Every conversation was enlightening for me, and I looked forward to every one of them. For the entire month that we were "officially" a couple, I felt more secure with him than I had with any guy that I can ever recall. The PDA, just being able to snuggle up to him, and the assurance in his voice if something wasn't right in my world for a moment. What I learned in that relationship was that sex, although an important part of a relationship, isn't..........ah, well, I never thought I'd think this, but it really isn't..........everything. And even though he may not have been able to be there for me in that manner as much as he'd have probably desired to be, he definitely offered the emotional and mental connection, and that's something I'd been missing from my very 'first' "love" at the age of 14, until now. Alot of times, a person doesn't realize how important something is, until they no longer have it, and it didn't take me long to realize it. No, I didn't want to deal with the ex-wife, and yes, I wanted to have as much sex as possible, and if it weren't for those two factors, we'd have had the "perfect" relationship. As I mentioned to my cousin just earlier today, I can "physically" connect with anyone (that's never been a problem), but an emotional connection runs so much deeper and holds so much more value. One could argue that the need for sexual satisfaction would probably eventually get the best of me (as you've probably guessed, I can be quite the "horn dog"), but I've had a great share of it, and when I hit menopause age in the VERY FAR (hehe) future, sex probably won't even be something I think about very often. So then what will I have if there's no mental/emotional connection or compatibility? Oh, well. Que' cera cera.

The thing with Justin isn't going anywhere. The more I talk to him, the more I realize he's not even a candidate to be the next Lawrence. I can't even envision having sex with him. For starters, the things I could do to him would probably blow his mind, and then I'd have to deal with his little version of being in "puppy love", and really, I don't want to even bother with it. Granted, his age plays a role in the maturity factor, but I just don't think I like him. I've realized that he's become just "something to do" to bid my time until someone else comes along and catches my attention. Yes, Justin has a great body, yes, he's a cutie, and yes, he'll probably be alot of fun to go to a rock concert with (by the way, he invited me to one with him in a couple of weeks...I've never even heard of the band), but to sit and have a heart-to-heart conversation, to have someone to "get" me and I "get" him, to have that overall general "click", he's not it. He doesn't do it for me. That alone has turned off him doing it for me physically as well. So, while I'm in pursuit of my next "buddy", I've made sure to replenish my supply of AAA batteries. We had them on sale at work this week, 24 pack of Duracell Ultra for $4.99 with my employee discount and a coupon. I bought 3 packs.

While I'm on the subject of buddies, I found myself making a ride by Lawrence's apartment early this morning when I got off of work. His car wasn't there, and I have no idea if he's moved or what. I haven't had a conversation with him since November, and before he got this girlfriend (I'm assuming they're still together because I haven't heard from him), I would have surely been right at his place sometime today. He was always my "go to" guy when I'd be in the dumps. Something about our wild sexcapades always seemed to change my mood. I think he knew that, that's why he always came through for me. He liked me, and I liked him, but as I've stated so many times before, that damned age difference just got me.

Okay, if I had to describe and if I could "build" my "perfect guy", you know, like that experiment on the movie Weird Science, this is what he would be:

**Jake Gyllenhaal's facial features (I'm so in love with this man!!)
**Ryan Gosseling's body & build (I'm quickly becoming a fan)
**Jonah Hill's humor
**John's work ethic
**Daniel's parenting ethic
**Allen's smile & family ethic
**Sven's connection ability, fidelity, & "whatever makes my woman happy" mentality
**Mason's charm
**Wally's charisma, chivalry, respect, & "choose your battles wisely" mentality
**Anthony's....okay, scratch that...there's nothing about Anthony that I remember fondly
**Ron's "clingyness"
**Will's voice
and
**Lawrence's sex


There. That's my "perfect" man. And he'd be ALL MINE! I like that thought. "If I build him...he will come (and he will surely 'cum' as well..hehe) (okay, that was just me being dirty right there..shows where my mind is right now)...." Wishful thinking. As if that type of technology existed on my Dell computer. For all of the men that I've written about that I didn't list, there's nothing about them that I'd throw into the pie. In other words, I'm wondering "why the hell did I ever bother?". Granted, of the men that I've listed above (with the exception of the first 3, whom I don't personally know), there are several other positive attributes of theirs that I'd mix in as well, but the qualities listed are the forerunners on what stands out with me and what my idea of my ideal guy is. Too bad he probably doesn't exist. If he does, he just hasn't found me yet. (Hey, if anyone knows of where I can find the software or hardware, or whatever I need to design, develope, and print him out, please let me know..thank you!)

Ha, I'm so feeling some Michael Buble right now. I can hear the song "I Just Haven't Met You Yet" playing in my head. I think that song will be my new theme song for the time (I think I'll go download it, too). In the mean time, life goes on.

Until the next post, my faithfuls!

It All Started With A Big Bang...BANG!!

Hello again, faithful bloggers! I bet you didn't expect to see me on here so soon, did you? Me being here is inevitable (as so it seems), but the short period of time was unexpected, even for my normal standards. Guess it's just the luck of the draw in my life. However, I will say that for some unknown reason it's not as hard to reminisce any longer.

What brings me here today? The demise of Sven's and my relationship earlier today. I won't go into the detrimental details, as I'd given him my word that I'd never exclusively broadcast (and I'm a woman of my word, regardless), but the summary is 1) the discovery that we're not sexually compatible (I won't elaborate, except to say that I never realized how expensive prescription "aids" are...over the counter, not an option), and 2) there's a little too close of a relationship between him and his ex-wife, one that I wasn't necessarily comfortable with (but wasn't going to make a fuss about...yet...unless it didn't start to dissipate the closer we got), considering they have no children, and he had a girlfriend. Don't get me wrong, my ex-husband and I are on good terms and talk periodically, but there's a limit, and there are boundaries when there's a relationship with someone else. That's that, and all I'm going to say about it. I don't have anything negative to say about Sven. He's a good guy, and every woman's dream when it comes to a man that's emotionally "in tune" with and supportive of a female, and I liked him. Alot. But, alas, our time has run it's course, and I wish him all of the best.

Perhaps I had a pre-break up "glimpse", because under normal circumstances, I'm completely out of the loop with any other guy when I'm in a relationship, unless I have reason to doubt his fidelity. I've never doubted Sven's, so, why a couple of days after he left Oklahoma from us spending a glorious Valentine's Day week together, did I suddenly get an "uh oh" type of feeling? Not the "something's going on" as in the "he's cheating" type of feeling (my radar never even clicked on to that thought with Sven), but the "something's not right" as in "what the hell is this feeling?" type of feeling that gave me a bit of an unfamiliar sink in my gut.

The Saturday after Valentine's Day, I decided to catch a triple feature at the movies. Ghost Rider: Revenge was the second movie I saw (for those that haven't seen it yet, especially in 3D, please, don't waste your money...disappointing is an understatement.."festering horse shit" is more like it, exception, that's insulting to the horse shit). Enter "Justin". I had just gotten comfortable (4th row from the top, second to the end seat) had just put on my "expensive" theater 3D glasses, and began nibbling on my cinnamon sugar pretzel, when two guys are suddenly saying "excuse me" to get through to the seats next to mine. It was dark, as the lights had gone dim to begin the trailers, and my eyes hadn't adjusted very well, but I could see that one of the guys was white, the other was black, and they were obviously there together. Once I let them through, I glanced down their way, and noticed that the white boy (for what I could see in the dark) appeared to be cute. I couldn't see details of him, but his silhouette passing in front of the screen when he was sliding through showed enough for me to realize he had a nice build, and he left a "smell good" scent behind. As my eyes adjusted a little more, I could see him a bit better, and even though he was 3 seats down from me, I saw that he was definitely a cutie. I forced myself not to keep looking his way, even when he leaned forward in his seat, but it was rather hard avoiding it. I maintained in my head that I had a boyfriend, and it was inappropriate to be gawking another man, but I caught myself "nibbling" on my pretzel, trying to be dainty about it, so that if he looked down at me (which he never did), he wouldn't see me stuffing my face.

Fast forward to after the movie. I like to remain until after the credits, just in case there are any special features that play, and I was still seated when his friend and he crossed back. On his way through, he looked down at me and smiled. I heard a soft "hello" come out of his mouth, so I smiled back, and nodded a "hello" in return. I noticed that once they got to the bottom of the stairs, they both hesitated, he said something to his friend, and they both looked my way. I smiled again and quickly started making myself appear to be getting my "things" together (which consisted of my annual refill cup, my pretzel trash, and my 3D glasses wrapper), and tried to avoid looking their way anymore. They finally proceeded to the exit, but he glanced back a time or two. I remained in my seat a while longer (there were no special features) hoping that they'd have cleared the hallway by the time I made it out of the theatre so I wouldn't have to see him again. At that point, I couldn't wait to get out of there and call Sven, though. I needed to hear his awkward, crackly voice something fierce to remind me what I already had. No such luck. The moment I exited, I was caught off guard by a "so, what did you think of the movie?". I knew who it was. "I've seen better" I smiled, and forced myself to keep walking, hoping he'd get the hint. He picked up stride next to me.

Justin: Oh yeah? Yeah, I've seen better, too. But I can't wait for that new Titans movie to come out
Me: Yeah, me neither
Justin: You plan on seeing it in 3D?
(what the hell? is this guy not getting the hint that I haven't stopped walking?)
Me: More than likely. I have 2 other pair of 3D glasses in my car now that I'll probably never use, so I'll sneak someone else in with me and get 2 for the price of 1 then
Justin: (laughing) Right. Oh, by the way, my name is Justin
(he'd stopped and extended his hand. The only polite thing to do was the same)
Me: R
Justin: Nice to meet you, R. You come to this theater often?
Me: Yeah, this is my regular little hang out spot when I'm bored. I should invest stock in this theater. Between the ticket prices and the concessions, I could replenish my spendings in no time
Justin: (laughing) I'll bet
Me: I'm actually running late getting into my next movie. It started 5 minutes ago, and I've got to go get my popcorn and drink refill, so, you have a good one
Justin: Well, hey, do you have a phone number or something? Maybe we can see the Titan movie together
(here's that "uh oh" feeling moment I mentioned. Shit)
Me: Uhm, yeah

He pulled out his cell phone, and plugged my number in as I gave it to him. Totally out of character for me to have done that. That's the beginning of the time when I knew something just wasn't right. With his words that he'd be in contact, I hurried away to the concession stand without so much of a glance behind me. "That wasn't anything. He'll never use my number, so what am I tripping about?" I thought. I encouraged myself with the thought of knowing that even though I hadn't been to the gym in a while (Sven said I didn't need to go anymore..I look good just as I am), I was still attractive. That's all that was. An ego boost.

After my movie, I rushed to my car and called Sven, which settled me considerably. I quickly dismissed the thought that I'd ever hear from Justin, and forgave myself (and swore not to do it again) for crossing that line of giving another man my phone number when I finally had a good boyfriend. I didn't tell Sven about my encounter, as, in my mind, there was no need to, because again, that was nothing. Wrong. Justin text me later that night. It was nothing major. Just a casual "are you busy" type of text. I responded thinking that would be the end of it. Wrong again. He called. Oh my geeze! What have I gotten myself into?? I needed to shut that down. Fast. This whole scenario was wrong. I figured I'd stop this cold when I asked how old he was. He looked extremely young, so I just knew that our age difference would be a deterring factor for him. I was right. He's 10 years younger. Oh, shit. When I tell him how old I am, I won't hear from him anymore. Damn. Third strike. Turns out the last girl he dated was actually 4 years older than me, so he's into older women! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Okay, but all I have to do is tell him that I have a boyfriend, and he'll go away. What the hell? Is he a clinger or something? I got the words that he's content being a friend, because he's new to the city (from Arkansas), and would just like to get to know some new people. That would be rather difficult for me to do with him, because he was attractive, and I had a boyfriend, so it's a no-can-do. But I didn't tell him that. I agreed to be "just friends" in light of the circumstances.

I wasn't expecting Justin to want to have constant communication with me. After our "longer than intended" conversation that night, we hung up on the pretenses of being in touch "later". I didn't realize his "later" consisted of texting me first thing the next morning. Okay. This is getting dangerous. I needed to find something that would keep anything aside from us being "just friends" at bay. I got that dirt when he called me later that evening. Turns out, Justin has a recent "not so proud of" past that is a complete deal breaker for me, so that assuaged my fears of ever thinking beyond a "friendship" with him. If anything ever happened between Sven and me, at most, Justin could possibly be my "new" Lawrence.

No, I didn't anticipate the demise of Sven's and my relationship, but as a friend of mine posted on FaceBook one time "have you ever gotten that 'uh oh' feeling when you know you've just witnessed the beginning of the end?" The minute I gave Justin my number, I had just witnessed that moment. And here we are, less than a week later, that moment came.

Justin has been texting me and calling me everyday since we met. I don't see any harm now in hanging out with him a bit. He seems fun, so we'll see just how "fun" he is.

So, I'm sure as my life rolls along, there will be some updates. May not be as often as I'd like, but, hey, you never know. Here it is, I didn't think I'd be posting about the break up of a relationship less than 3 total months in the making, but it happened. With me, you just never know. Hell, I never know. We'll find out together, though.

Oh, and as far as how I feel about the breakup? I don't. I'm numb. I like it like that, and for now, I prefer it that way.

Hearts Like Mine Get Lucky Sometimes

An Experience. That sums up Sven's and my first meeting. The road to Amarillo was long and rocky. For him.

Sven had called me several times during the night the morning we were to meet. The thought was that since his journey is ideally shorter than mine time-wise, he'd arrive before I did, but, theoretically he wouldn't have to wait long, if at all, for me to arrive due to my driving style. That's not what happened. Remember, Sven had gotten a cell phone, which would definitely come in handy taking a trip, but somehow the previous night had misplaced it (he's since found it). Lovely. Luckily, I'd already mapped out an exact meeting point and approximate meeting time for us, so unless he had a hard time with directions, there should still be no issues with our plans. That's what I thought. Since he'd become cellularly impaired, he'd purchased a calling card to use at pay phones so that he'd be able to communicate with me while we were on the road. I didn't realize that he'd be stopping every hour to update me on his location, but the gesture was sweet, to say the least. Sven was insistent on beginning his journey approximate 2 1/2 hours before I began mine, which in my mind, that would put him waiting for me longer than I'd originally wanted, but considering his lack of road knowledge, that would slow him down a bit, and we were yet looking at arriving about the same time.

I arrived in Amarillo at the meeting point at my intended time. Sven had called me an hour previous informing me that he'd had a fender bender at a gas station (he'd backed into another vehicle), was wrapping up the finalities with that, but would be along shortly. Good grief! Whatever. In my mind, "shortly" meant maybe 30 minutes or so, but it turned into almost 2 hours. Irritation began to creep in, and doubts about the whole ordeal began to set in. "He left 2 hours before me, so he should have been here by now. What the hell?" He wasn't good with estimating the distance of his whereabouts, nor the estimated time of arrival, I was PMSing and hungry (I'd decided to wait to eat), and was ready to just call the whole thing off. Before he arrived, I'd considered just leaving and heading back to Oklahoma, but decided against it, because if he really was on his way (the different phone numbers he was calling me from told me that he in fact was really travelling), then that would be extremely rude of me to do with no way of contacting him to let him know. I'm a firm believer in karma, so I decided to continue to wait, and try not to let my aggravation get the best of me. Sven called one last time to let me know he was on the outskirts of Amarillo, and would be at the meeting point soon. Yeah, Dude, that's what you said over an hour ago. But, at least he had the consideration to call, so that eased me a bit.

I'm glad I did wait. When he pulled into the parkinglot, I instantly knew who he was. We'd forgotten to discuss the color of our vehicles, but I knew what he drove, and he knew what I drove, and I was the only idiot sitting in an otherwise empty lot, so spotting each other wasn't an issue. Funny as hell is the only term I can use to describe the situation when I saw his car. It looked like someone had done a bad wax job on it, as there were all sorts of crazy swirls and white rings on the dark color. What the hell? I was too annoyed to laugh, but he was smiling from ear to ear. Well, at least he looks better in person than all of the pictures I'd seen. His movements were awkward as he parked and got out of his car, glancing at me the whole time (I didn't even bother getting out to hug him), I told him to park his car in another spot (where it had no possibility of being towed) and come get in with me so we could go get something to eat. He was already 2 1/2 hours late, my hormones were raging, I was starving, and wasn't in the mood for friendly "firsts". He was still very chipper when he got into my car and tried introductions, and was apologizing immensely. I stopped him and told him "I'm hungry, and my hormones are out of whack, so let's get something to eat so I can settle down before we try this so I won't snap at you, okay?" He was surprisingly calm and agreed. I wasn't in the mood for his upbeat attitude at that moment, but I felt a little bad that even though we'd been talking on the phone and emailing for the better part of a month, my attitude probably wasn't coming across as a positive first impression. He rolled with it, though, and maintained that spark that he'd had.

We arrived at the restaurant, and once I got a little food in my stomach, I settled down a bit. Sven, as I learned quickly, is the type that will do what it takes to make a woman that he's into happy, and that's one of the first things I noticed when he took off his hat at the table. He'd told me before that he preferred to keep his hair cut buzzed, all of his recent pictures that I'd seen had him with a buzz cut, but he had just one picture of him having long hair from a few years back. I guess he got the hint of my preference from me complimenting that particular picture so much that he'd started letting his hair grow out (I hadn't known that his hair is dark blond). Hmm. I had to smile when I saw that, and I knew right then and there, that this man is special. My attitude changed completely at that moment, and instantly, the atmosphere became more serene. Our meal was extremely pleasant, we laughed, we talked, we shared. We even have it in common to notice little things about fellow diners that we joke about. Yeah, I'm going to like him, I thought. He has piercingly gorgeous funny-colored eyes (can't quite determine if they're green or blue), and eyelashes just long and curly enough to compliment them. Between his funny accent, his slow-yet-precise English words pronunciation, his awkward ways, his sense of humor, his chivalry, and his eagerness to want to please me, I think this one is different from any others I'd ever dealt with...including Allen. The bonus is, he's extremely attractive. Tall, handsome, and hot. Pictures don't do him justice on any level.

We left the restaurant and decided to explore Amarillo, as neither of us had ever been there before and knew absolutely nothing about it. He was patient with me when I discovered the mall and had to do some shoe shopping. That was an extra brownie point for him. I felt comfortable enough by that time to grab his hand. His reciprocation in the comfort of that move let me know he'd possibly been toying with the aspect of taking mine, but probably wasn't sure what I'd think or how I'd react (I later found out that was the case). Our time in Amarillo ended entirely too soon, and we had to go our respective ways...he had to be at work early the next morning. When I took him back to his car, we shared a short passionate kiss, a long meaningful hug, said our goodbyes, and agreed to be in touch soon.

I was still a bit unsure what was to become of this situation when I left, but I reminded myself that I'd just let things flow as they may. I'd added him to Facebook, so when I arrived home, I posted the message on his wall "if you're reading this, that means you've arrived home safely. Thank you for everything. I miss you and can't wait to see you again". I wasn't sure how he'd react to that (his ex-wife is on his page), but when he replied "home, yes. and I can't wait either", I knew then he was really into me and didn't care who saw what we exchanged between each other on Facebook. The kicker was a few days later when I received a card in the mail.

"Thank You. You just being you makes all the difference. It took me some time to pick this card out, and those words say exactly what I want them too. Our time together was amazing, and I look forward to many more times like that"

Yep, he's a keeper. I was so excited by receiving that, I immediately called my mom gushing to her about it. Not only was I not expecting that, but the sincerity behind the words and the fact that he took the time out to do something like that really hit a spot with me. Conversations progressed between us, and I moved into a whole other level of comfort with him. He'd started asking me about progressing our relationship. I admitted to him that I really like him, it felt right, but there was a bit of hesitation on my part. I was truly scared. He understood and verbalized his summation that because of things feeling right with other guys in the past, but then blowing up in my face, he could see how I'd feel that way. He assured me that there was no pressure, but when I was ready, he'd be ready.

2012 was already underway, but there was one last thing I had to do.

"Happy New Year, Allen. I'm glad to see you're over your fear of commitment and finally found someone that makes you happy and is worth your 'friends' respecting. Happy for you :)"

"Happy New Year, R. I am happy thanks. I hope you are well and ready for a new year :)"

"I'm very well. Thanks. So far 2012 has been phenomenal to me, and I'm excited to see how the rest of it goes =)"

 Good. At least he's responding. I'd just proceed with what I needed to say and get it over with.

"I don't want a response to this, just had to clear you out of my head and heart in 2012. You hurt me bad for dumping me because of me feeling disrespected. And more because the new girls get the respect I didn't. The 'love' shown between you and your 'friends' when we were together, the constant texts from them when we'd be together, I didn't know where I stood. 2 weeks before your status change with this girl you said you're scared of commitment, yet I never knew where I stood with you and then you couldn't tell me what I was to you. All of that. Please don't do this new girl like that. I wish you the best"

And just like that, I released Allen. Now, I can see where things take me with Sven. I don't ever want to put him in a place where the "other men's" indiscretions affect my views of him. So far, he's proven himself different. I determined I was ready to move forward into a relationship with him. We changed our status' on Facebook (OMG, guys I hadn't heard from in ages came out of the woodwork when that happened!), we've both got pictures of us together on our profile pictures, and I'm enjoying him treating me like the queen that I was meant to be treated as. His mother and I are friends on Facebook as well, and we check in with each other from time to time. She's a wonderful woman, and makes sure Sven is behaving like she raised him to. I think that's funny, and cute, but it means alot, because he and his mother are extremely close, and I know that a man that's close to his mother will treat his woman right. I don't think I'll have any worries in that department at all. Now, all he has to do is get used to me being me, and me treating him like the king that he'd never been treated like (it amazes me that his ex-wife was so lacksidaisy with their marriage), and deserves to be treated like. We take turns visiting each other every 2 weeks, and he's even mentioned selling his house, transferring with his job, and moving to Oklahoma eventually. I know it's been a short time, but he obviously knows what he wants, I know what I want, and we'll see if we accomplish our goals together. We're enjoying getting to know each other, and loving every minute of it. I don't know where we'll end up, how things are going to play out, only God knows, but for now, I'm willing to sit back and find out. We will see.

People of blogsville, I appreciate you journeying with me thus far, through the highs and lows of my dating life. There have been several others that have played a role in my life that weren't worth mentioning here (very insignificant people), but you've gotten the jest of why I am how I am, and ever striving to be a better girl. I can't say this will be the last entry (you never know what the future holds), but as for now, I'm going to lavish in the joy of Sven's and my relationship. I'm happy again.

In the meantime, I wish and bid you all well......until my next blog entry.......

R 

On The Road Again

I find it quite funny that just yesterday I blogged about not hearing from Will in almost 2 months, and last night, he text me, out of the blue, inviting me to a Motocross show with him this weekend. I'd deleted him from my phone, and wouldn't have even known who it was if he hadn't signed his name to the text. Who is he kidding? He's on my Facebook, so I know he's seen that I'm in a relationship now, so why on earth is he reaching out to me? I politely declined his invitation, to which he tried a little more aggressively to persuade me, before I finally just shot him down coldly. I don't care. When I wanted to do things with him, he was MIA, so now that I'm finally happy again, I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure things stay that way. Ha. Sucks for him. I haven't been to that girl's page to see what's going on with her, and you know what, I really don't even care anymore, so I'm not even going to check.....okay, just out of morbid curiosity I might, but it's nothing I'm sweating about.

And, my good friend Mason is feeling the fire as well. Last I'd heard from him was when he sent me a Facebook email saying "Well, Merry Christmas. I might as well wish a good one to all of my enemies no matter how bad they try to fuck me over", and it had been a few months before that since any other communication. Of course, I never responded to that, and I guess his little ego was crushed that I never did. He's obviously been stalking my page again, because he sent me some sort of off-the-wall message last night saying how I'm ruining his life and causing a rift by talking to his family, I lied to him, and somehow he figures I owe him money. One of his brothers is the only one on my Facebook, and we have sporadic conversation, which usually revolves around Greenbay football, and just seeing how each other's doing. Mason's name hasn't come up between us in at least 6 months. What he's referring to about me lieing is completely beyond me, just some shit he's making up in his head, and the money issue, I'm guessing he's regretting all of the gifts he bought for me when we were together. Simply put, they were gifts, and definitely not ones that I asked for. He's trying to get a reaction out of me, and since that's not happening, he's not happy. Better yet, he's just sick in the head. He thrives on drama, and I'm not feeding that bear any longer. I so wish he'd just move on with his little girlfriend in Florida, or whoever the current flavor is, live happily ever after, and leave me the fuck alone before I do block his ass and take his harassment up with his Major or Corporal (I have ways of finding out who they are..Mason isn't the only one in the military that I know). That wouldn't be very nice, but if he wants to play dirty, he's picked the wrong girl to tango with. At first, his little quips for attention were funny and amusing, but now, he's just starting to piss me off. As I've said before, I do have a very vindictive side, with a touch of manipulative maliciousness and slight psychosis, that can surface under the most extreme of circumstances. That side lays dormant until someone like Mason or Jackie awakes it. I just credit it all to being a true Scorpio. I wear the scorpion tatoo to prove it, so all are forewarned.

Okay. Back to my "happy" place.

I wasn't expecting the message I received from Sven. I was touched that the first thing he did was apologize for taking so long to respond to my flirt, explaining that he didn't have a paid membership at the time to message me. I thought it awfully cute that he'd offer a reason to me, not knowing if I was truly even interested, but because I'd only sent a flirt, I was flattered that he obviously signed up in order to message me. My paid membership had expired, and because I was planning to remove my account, I wasn't paying again. I didn't know if I was the only one he was reaching out to, but just the time sequence was enough to make me smile and feel special. I replied to his message letting him know why I sent the flirt, and that sparked a series of messages between us. For a Swede having been in the U.S. for only 8 years, his English vocabulary is very extensive. I was enjoying our conversations, but some of our exchanges were entirely too deja-vu for me, taking me back to when Allen and I first started communicating.

I didn't want to read too much into this, because I'd been in this place before, and didn't want to get my hopes up getting too excited behind someone I was meeting online that could very well pan out to be another dead-head. So, we kept the conversations light, even though they were extensive, and proceeded in getting to know each other as much as words on a computer will allow. It wasn't very long before we moved our conversation offline. I wanted to hear how he sounded. I'd never personally known anyone from Sweden, and I wanted to hear his accent. Outside of television, I'd never heard Swedish talk before. He didn't disappoint me, because he sounds just like the Swede's I'd heard on TV. His accent is extremely thick, and his sentences slow (he tries hard to make sure he properly pronounces each English word), with the peaks at the end of each one, but his words are very clear. It was funny and cute the first time we talked, because I thought TV exaggerated that...it doesn't. Sven didn't have a cell phone, and I thought that completely odd, because, who doesn't have a cell phone? I was a bit leery of this revelation, and my first thoughts were maybe he just didn't want me to have his cell number for whatever reason. But then I thought, if that were the case, if he had something to hide, wouldn't it be more detrimental for him with me having his home phone number? After that thought, my tensions eased up, and I realized that my "jaded suspicions" were trying to kick in. Calm down, R. This man deserves his own chance. My cell phone plan offers unlimited anytime-any-mobile, with unlimited nights and weekends (for all other phone types), but I only have a limited amount of minutes for landlines. I told Sven of this, and made him aware that our talk time would be limited to off-peak times. That obviously wasn't good enough for him, because next thing I know, he'd invested in a cell phone just to be able to converse with me during on-peak times. That spoke volumes to me. It's a pre-paid plan, but it's a start, and I was starting to get the impression that this man was probably serious about dealing with me. He'd gone out of his way to make an investment in something that he probably otherwise had no use for just to be able to talk to me, so to say I was impressed would be an understatement. "How do you know he didn't already have one?" is a question I could hear echoing, but, when he's sitting on the phone (his landline) with me trying to figure out how to turn the cell phone on, how to add the minutes to it, and trying to figure out how the phone operates (he seemed genuinely confused by the whole thing, and he was getting frustrated by it), that let me know this was definitely something new to him. Nobody I've ever crossed would go through that much trouble just to try and cover a lie about a cell phone. Really. It's not that serious.

It started getting to the point between us that all of our free time was spent on the phone together. We'd talk for hours, and never run out of things to talk about. At first, I didn't know how to react to the fact that there's someone who actually wanted to talk to me so frequently, and without the conversation of sex EVER coming up. He wanted to talk, like, all the time: when he'd wake up, sometimes before he'd go to work (he has to be at work at 5 a.m. MST), during his lunch, when he'd get off work, and then most of the night if I was off work or before I went to work, and if we weren't talking, he was emailing me. Even though things were flowing so smoothly between us, I yet wasn't sure where this was going, where I wanted it to go, and I tried to keep things at a distance. This territory was familiar and unfamiliar at the same time, and I had mass confusion about which angle to play it from. I finally got to the point where I decided to relinquish control of the situation, not trying to force it in one way or the other, and just let it flow as it may. If something panned out, then great, if not, besides some major phone and computer time, I wasn't invested for it to matter.

Christmas came and went, we were well underway with our communication, and we decided we needed to meet. We collaborated our schedules, and determined that just after New Year's would be perfect. I found out that he's not an experienced driver. Outside of the town that he lives in, he's never driven anywhere. He said he never drove in Sweden, and had only had his license in the U.S. for around 3 years. Freeways and highways were foreign to him when it came to operating a vehicle. What the hell? Is he serious? I found that hard to believe at first, but just like with the cell phone situation, he made me realize he was being truthful. My normal stance is if a man wants to meet me, he has to come to where I am the first time (after that, I don't mind going to him, and it's fair game on either side), and if I'm in a really good mood, I'll meet him at a half-way point. But just how the hell are Sven and I going to do this since he's never driven outside of his town? I determined that it would be best to meet half-way, but I still had some concern about him taking on a highway for the first time in his life. This wasn't going to be easy. He seemed extremely eager to make it work, though, so the destination point was set for Amarillo, Tx. Amarillo is a little more than half-way for me, and that meant a little more travel time on my half, but, under the circumstances, I'd make the exception this one time. When I say Sven was eager, that's actually an understatement. He didn't sleep at all the night before we were to meet, because he was calling me at all hours of the night. I was enjoying my sleep, so until I woke up early the morning of, I didn't realize how many calls I'd missed from him, and saw that in conjunction, he'd sent me emails as well, reinforcing his excitement. I had to laugh to keep from being upset, because this was going a bit overboard. Mother nature had kicked in, so my grouch level was at a bit of a peak, but I determined that since this man is showing this much interest, I'm going to bask in it...while it lasts.

That trip to Amarillo...boy, was that an experience....he was right about his driving.