The man that told me that he had a guilty conscience for having a "booty buddy" while we were getting to know each other (I dared not tell him about Lawrence), but let that go when he became serious about me. The man who sent me "mushy" cards with poems by various poets to express his feelings towards me. The man who was willing to make 6+ hour car trips to spend time with me. The man who told me "I love you, Babe" while he was here for my birthday. The man that I referred to as "my king" "my superman" "my fine vision of masculine perfection" and he referred to me as his "queen in training" his "platinum princess" and his "ebony goddess". I was overreacting to nothing at all, right? I'd been so jaded by previous men with their "friends" and other various women that this man was out of the scope of my trust, so it's all my fault, and I'm making something out of nothing, right? That had to be exactly what it was. R, remember what you're mother said "don't let your insecurities run this man off. He's a good man. Try to keep him around."
I had removed my profile from the dating site when we became "official", so why was his still active, and why was he still going on there from time to time? I did ask him about that, and his reasoning was that he didn't realize he could "hide" his profile, and he didn't want to cancel it, because he eventually wanted to submit a "success" story to the site about us. Okay. Reasonable answer. I'll let that slide.
His ex-wife wanted to have a bi-annual memorial for their son, and had invited a top news crew in Nebraska to cover the vigil held at the grave site. My heart was aching for their family. Again, I have family members that have tragically lost children, and I, myself, have had 2 miscarriages, so although I may never understand how they feel, I yet wanted to reach out to the ex-wife to let her know that she was in my prayers. No parent should have to bury their child, and I can't imagine having a child around for any length of time, and then suddenly losing them, especially at the tender age of 11. My heart was heavy for her, and since she and I had been cordial at the party the previous month, I decided to send her an email letting her know that I empathised with her, and admired her for loving and having the love of her children like she did. Hindsight, that was a bad idea, because what I meant for good, got completely twisted, and me being made into a villain. So when Allen was here visiting me, He'd posted on his Facebook status about being here, and how excited he was to be spending time with me, and stated something about "being with 'my girl'". The ex-wife commented on his status "I thought Angel was your girl. To bad you missed parents night at the football game. It was excellent". Of course I saw it, of course it pissed me off for her to be being so childish, but I played it cool, and when he mentioned about being angry at her for posting that, I simply said "yeah, I saw that". But my days of going out of my way to be nice to the ex were over. I simply left it alone.
I yet hadn't told him that it bothered me that his phone was constantly going off when we'd spend time together. Still wasn't an avenue that I wanted to tread, just hoping he'd eventually stop it on his own. I enjoyed Thanksgiving with him and his family (his phone going off every few minutes while I was there), and we made plans for me to spend Christmas (his family celebrates holidays after the actual day to allow all of the siblings to spend the actual day with their spouses/significant's families) with them as well. He'd wanted to meet and visit my family for one of the holidays, but my work schedule didn't coincide with that happening, so I wound up with his for both occasions that year. No problem, because I felt like a part of their family, and they treated me as such. What I did speak up on, rather text on (big mistake..I learned about texting when I'm upset), was the fact that Christmas was coming around, and suddenly he's telling me that he's spending Christmas Eve with his ex-wife and daughter, he was just waiting to see what the ex-wife wanted to do that year. Okay, I have no problems at all with you spending it with your daughter, but with your ex-wife?? Really? So, you bet your ass I asked him about it and asked why is the ex-wife dictating what he did for the holidays. It wasn't until he explained to me that it was something they'd agreed to do after their son passed as a final time in memorial of spending the first holidays without their son, that my heart softened. I can deal with that. Just wished it hadn't been sprung on me like it was, especially so close to that time. He apologized to me for not mentioning it to me sooner, because I was wondering, and asked him, if everything he did was going to be dictated around what his ex-wife wanted. He even assured me that his daughter will be graduating in a few months, and he won't have to deal with the ex anymore...could I handle dealing with it for just that little more time. Yes, I could. I'm dedicated to him, and I wanted to see it through til the end. We'd hit a bit of a bump with that situation. One I let go after the explanation. What triggered me again, was when I tried to contact him that day, and he wasn't responding to my texts or my phone call. THAT didn't set right with me. When he finally did text me back, it was the next day (Christmas day) and he'd spent the night at his ex-wife's house.
I'm not used to the type of relationships he has going on with the women (outside of his family) in his life. More and more I felt the jealousy rising up in me. The Facebook posts by Jackie and Barbara are yet going on, and it's starting to look like I'm in a no-win situation. More and more I'm starting to see a side of me that I'd wanted to leave buried for eternity. My guy friends continued to advise me to walk away and don't look back, because it was all bad business. But, again, maybe...just MAYBE...I'm still the one overreacting.
Come January, I was in Nebraska to celebrate post-Christmas with him and his family. I arrived on a Friday night, and the plan was for him, Angel, and me to go to Omaha to hang out. I was finally going to get to meet Jackie. I was open minded, and very prepared to put every wrong thought about her out of my head. Until we arrived at her house. Things started off fair enough with the introductions. She had a few female friends at her house, so I immediately went into overdrive trying to get a feel of the whole situation. Jackie had come out with a "barely there" shirt on (she doesn't have the figure to be wearing anything like that in front of people..I'm sorry. Best description I can give of her is think Petunia Pig, Porky Pig's girlfriend, with blond hair...seriously..cheeks, body, and all) exposing a tatoo on her back decorated in the colors of green and yellow. Now, mind you, I wasn't looking at her body all that deeply, because personally, she grossed me out, but I did notice that tatoo. It was funny, because Allen has a similar tatoo on his back decorated in orange and brown. I'd asked him about it before, because it was rather abstract, and he'd just explained it as a tatoo that he'd gotten years before. I never thought anything else about it. But, when I noticed Jackie's tatoo, it started to make sense. I didn't say anything, but I was putting things together in my head. Allen's favorite NFL team is the Greenbay Packers, and Jackie's is the Chicago Bears. I didn't have to say anything, because not long after I'd noticed her tatoo, she volunteered the information that Allen and her had gone and gotten matching tatoos in each other's favorite NFL team colors. That was it. I'd had it, and I was ready to go. That also explained their relationship as alot more than he played it to be, and I was getting more and more pissed than I cared to be. I yet remained cordial, but had started urging him towards leaving. I needed to get out of that house before I knocked the shit out of that bitch. Why the hell would you volunteer information to your ex-boyfriend's current girlfriend that y'all have matching tatoos? How did she know he hadn't already told me? When I asked that question to other women (including one on Allen's brothers), everyone said the same thing. As a matter of fact later on when we'd broken up, Allen's brother is the one that told me it sounded like Jackie was trying to tell me in her own way "I don't care who you are. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere". For Allen's own brother to say that's what it sounded like to him, as well as all of the females that I asked, I knew it wasn't in my head to feel that's what she was inadvertently saying. Of course, Allen, whether naive or not, didn't catch that exchange, and of course, I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to seem like the "jealous" girlfriend, even though I was beyond that point. After we left Jackie's house, Allen, Angel, and I went to eat..his phone's going off the whole time. Mine did, too an few times, but mine was simply Facebook SMS letting me know people had updated their status (I've since cancelled it because it was getting on my nerves). What got me again, was as we were arriving back at Lilly & Sam's house later that night, Jackie called. I didn't know the exact exchange and could only hear when he told her "I love you, too". I made my tongue bleed trying not to say anything when I heard that. For one, Angel was present, and I don't believe in having grown-up conversations in front of children, and for 2, after Allen had told me he loved me, suddenly he decided he didn't want to use that word with me anymore..he said he didn't. So why the fuck was he telling her that he loved her then? I couldn't hold my tongue after that. As we were laying in bed that night, it took everything in me to remain level headed:
Me: (calmly) Babe, can I ask a favor of you?
Allen: (turns over to face me) Sure
Me: Please, don't EVER tell another woman outside of your family that you love her in front of me again
Allen: (sighed and turns on his back) I knew you were gonna say something about that
Me: (voice raising just a bit) How is that supposed to make me feel when you've told me that you don't like to use the word, so you won't tell me that you love me anymore, but then you tell an ex-girlfriend that you love her in FRONT of me?
Allen: R, it's different. She's just a friend
Me: Either way, just please don't ever do that again, please, okay?
Allen: (sighs) Okay, R
I was content with his tacit agreement of compliance, and let it go. I was tired, it was late, and I was ready to make love.....until his phone rang at 2 a.m.
Me: (frustrated) ARE YOU SERIOUS??? Who is THAT???
Allen: (eyes wide) It's just Jackie
Me: WHY is she calling you at this time of morning???
Allen: She's probably drunk. Her former fiance died a couple years back, and this is the weekend of his death anniversary
Me: So, she's out with her friends, but decides to call you, huh? Well, answer it!
Allen: No, she's drunk and won't be talking anything but gibberish
Me: Why don't you answer it and see?
Allen: No, R. I'm not answering it
I was beyond pissed by this time. I lay there. I tried hard not to do or say anything that I'd regret. He looked confused like he was expecting me to go off. I didn't. I kept my cool, calmed myself as much as I could, and then we made love. I wasn't into it as much as I usually was, but given the circumstances, I still reached climax with ease. He always had a way of making me do that.
The next morning, I awoke determined to completely block all of the previous night out of my head and move forward. I was up before Allen, so I went downstairs to help Lilly finish setting up for dinner. Allen came down later on, we kissed as if nothing happened, and I anticipated the rest of the day being incident free. Aside from his phone going off all day, things were fine. His entire family was over, we ate, we talked, we had a merry time, his parents had even bought me Christmas gifts. I was feeling like I belonged, and was happy to be a part of the festivities.
I had to head back to Oklahoma later that night, and Allen was going to his job at the club (1 of his jobs, he's a part time bouncer). We hugged and kissed goodbye, and all was well. When I got on the highway, I was bothered again by the previous night's occurrence, and was talking to one of my friends about it when Allen text me, as usual, to ask how my drive was going. I text him back saying that it was a long drive, and I had too much to think about. I was going to let it go at that, but he probed and asked what I was thinking. I debated even mentioning that I was still bothered by Jackie, and my friend told me not to text him about it, wait until I talked to him, but me, being hardheaded, text back asking how important my feelings were to him. He replied that they were very important to him, so I asked if he thought it was feasible to tell an ex-girlfriend in front of his current girlfriend that he loved her when he won't even use that term with her. He text back "why does this have to be so hard?" I didn't know what he was talking about that was hard, so I asked him. He told me that he and Jackie were like brother and sister, just friends, that was all. I could tell he was yet blind to her operations, but I wanted to trust him, so I told him that I can understand that, but he has to know how hearing him tell her those words when he refused to use them with me really hurt. We text a couple more times, then he just stopped responding.
You ever had one of those "uh-oh" moments when you know you've just witnessed the beginning of the end? When I text him telling him that I didn't want to text about it anymore, call me when he got off work, he didn't respond, and I knew I'd just witnessed that moment. I waited a while before I text again asking him if he got my text wanting him to call me. He responded saying that he did, but he would call me the next day. I didn't hear from him. Two days later, I finally got a response from him. I'd hoped we'd have a productive conversation, but it was anything but that.
Me: Hey, look, I'm sorry I said anything about Friday night over text. I admit, I'm very insecure when it comes to your relationships with your female friends, I want to overcome that, and I'd like you to help me do that
Allen: R, look, I didn't call or text you yesterday because I tried not to think about the situation, but I don't think I'm ready for a relationship
(What the FUCK??!! Here we go again with shit like this!)
Me: Look, I'm sorry. I just lost my thoughts, I should have waited until I talked to you about it instead of texting you. I'm just not used to the type of relationships you have with your female friends. It's different for me, because I don't have that kind of friendship with my male friends. They have their place, and my man has his. I cut all of my booty buddies off when I'm in a relationship out of respect for my man. Yes, I said I'm insecure. They live closer to you than I do, and can get to you quicker than I can if you need something, so I don't know how to feel when you're so emotionally close to them, and I'm way down here
Allen: R, look, it's not you, it's me (hmmm...where have I heard this bullshit before? hmm..Mason, maybe??) I thought about it, and I don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship right now
Me:(getting emotional) I said I'm sorry. If I'd known that mentioning this would put you in this state of mind, I wouldn't have said anything
Allen: Why didn't you say something to me about it before you left? Why'd you wait until you were gone?
Me: Because you know I don't like to argue. I wasn't going to say anything in front of Angel or your family, and I had to wait until I could talk to you and not at you
Allen: Well, it feels like you're talking at me now
Me: That's not my intentions, and that's why I'm apologizing. I never meant to be in this predicament
Allen: If you asked me right now to get married, the answer would be no. If you said 'Allen, let's have a baby', the answer would be no
Me: So in other words you're telling me there's no need in continuing this relationship, then?
Allen: R, I don't know what I want. I don't think I'm ready for a relationship, but I don't know
Me: So, you're just willing to give up what we've been building, and everything that we've been planning?
Allen: No, I don't. I'm sorry, I just need time to think. I'm having second thoughts and doubting myself now
Me: Well, one thing I know is that when men start having doubts and second thoughts, they rarely bounce back, huh?
Allen: You're right
Me: Well, why don't you take some time to think then. I won't bother you, and when you're ready to talk, you know how to reach me
Allen: Okay
After 4 days of not hearing from him, I sent him a text saying that I was lonesome, miserable, and I missed him. He sent back a simple text saying "I'm sorry". I yet held out hope that things would turn around, this entire dilemma would be dismissed, and things would go back to the way they were. I was scheduled to go back up there in a couple of weeks for his nephew's birthday party, and hoped we'd be back on track by then. I held out and resisted contacting Lawrence (it had been months, and I didn't even know if he was single or not) for some comfort, because that would be detrimental to everything I wanted with Allen.
In the meantime, while Allen was taking his time to "think", the Facebook posts from Jackie and Barbara kept coming. I had ample opportunity to say "fuck it" and let it go, but something about Allen just wouldn't let me do that...
A little ray of hope did shine through the next time I saw him...
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