"You'll be okay, R. You've been through this time and again, and you always bounce back, with a vengeance. You're beautiful, you have a good head and heart, you're a successful business woman, you don't have any kids, you're independent and hold your own...what have you lost? Keep your head up, keep moving forward, and don't look back. You're a walking goldmine, R. There's a man out there that will come along and treasure/value you just as you do him. He's still out there...he's still out there. This was just another minor set back, but you'll be just fine. You always are."
These are the words that echoed in my head. My own personal pep-talk. The next day, I awoke thinking it was all a bad dream, the break-up didn't really happen, but reality set in when I looked at my phone, and no text from Allen. I took my time logging onto Facebook to change my status. I knew that I not only had to change my status back to single, but I'd also arrived at the conclusion that I had to delete any and everything on my page that would remind me of him until I healed. That included all of his family, and friends that I'd met through him. As I sat in front of the computer taking a census of people that I needed to delete, I decided that I couldn't just delete them without explanation. They'd personally done nothing wrong towards me, and I felt it only fair to at least let them know why they were being deleted from my page. I wasn't sure how many people he'd told of our relationship demise, nor what he told them, but I was going to keep it clean, and be brief with it. Those that I'd gotten the opportunity to know and them know me, would hopefully understand.
I composed 2 sets of letters. One to the "family" (I had alot of his relatives on my page, including Angel, who had sent me a friend request after the first time we met), and one to the "friends". In each letter I thanked them for loaning Allen to me for the time, and advised them that my deleting them was nothing personal, but something that I had to do in order to move on. I told them it was a very hard decision to make in doing this, but, in order to heal, I needed to be completely clear of anything that would hinder that process. I thanked them for allowing me to be a part of their lives as well. I told them to take care of him, and maybe we'd see each other around. I cried the whole time I was typing out the letters. I hesitated before I hit send, but knew I had to. Then I went through one by one, and deleted all 16 people. And there was one more thing I needed to do. I had to delete him. I knew as soon as his status changed, the vultures would come out with their comments, and there would be no mercy. I had no desire to see that, because I knew Jackie would be brutal...just a feeling I had about her. I pondered on his page starring at his picture for a while, and with a final click, he was deleted. I also had to go back and delete all of the pictures of him and me together from my page. To say that was hard would be an understatement. We looked so happy together in all of them. So, what went wrong? I may never know. I had to find a new profile picture, and be prepared to deal with the consequences of my status change.
I was surprised by all of the responses, reactions, and support I got from people on my friend's list, "be encouraged", "so sorry to hear this", "I'll keep you in my prayers that you'll be okay", "keep your head up", etc., etc. I was even more shocked by the inbox emails I received from a few of his friends, some thanking me for explaining and not just deleting them, some asking me not to delete them because, although they were sorry to hear about the break-up, they liked me and didn't want to disassociate with me. I cried even harder. Some of his family responded with encouraging emails, said they understood, and wished me the best. I wound up re-adding one of the friends, "Jenna", at her request, because even though I'd only met her once, I liked her. I didn't realize that Allen's status wouldn't change when mine did (it's not like I was used to doing this), so I sent him a simple text letting him know he needed to change his status, too. My mother was one of his friends, so I logged in under her account and deleted him from her page (without her knowledge or consent). I told my sister she could delete him, and told Eric the same. Eric was adamant that he was going to delete Allen from his friend's list, because after the way he treated me, he had no desire to deal with him anymore. Neither my sister nor Eric deleted him. Hm. Oh, well. It's their page's, and I have no say over them.
Okay, R. Time to put your thinking cap on. You need to heal, and you know you'll meet someone else soon enough, it never fails. Get your mind right, get your heart together, and let the chips fall where they may. In the mean time, Lawrence was still my rock. He'd started hinting on us establishing a relationship, and I'd actually started to open my mind to it. Here he is, young, handsome, in pursuit of a great career (he has a good full time job, and at the time, 2 years from a doctorate in psychology), he's a master in bed, independent, comes from a successful and very well-to-do family...what's there to lose? Damn, he's still 6 years younger than me. To some, that may not seem like an issue, but for me to be in my 30s and him in his 20s, that meant alot to me. How would things be when he was in his prime and I'm in my 40s? I'm not getting any younger, and what if he wants to have kids later on? There were so many things that I thought on that kept me from wanting to cross that line with him. Yes, I liked him..very much, but because of our age difference, in my mind, things wouldn't work for the long term. Plus, at that point, he'd have strictly been an emotional rebound, and he was too good to me for me to do that to him. Booty buddy, yes. Relationship, no. Things were fine like they were, and I wasn't going to change them.
I spent a whole week walking around my apartment in my pajamas (thankfully it was my off-work week). I didn't shower, didn't eat, didn't leave my house, blacked out my windows, barely answered my phone, and cried until my tear ducts completely dried out. I became a hermit, and a slave to depression. Why? That was all I wanted to know. What had happened for him to snap like he did and go from where we started to where we stood? If he wasn't ready for a relationship, then why did he pursue one with me? And why didn't he take the out I gave him not long after we got together when I told him that I'm clingy and have insecurities? He told me he could handle those and they didn't bother him, so why is he treating me like the enemy now? Did he EVER care about me? Was I just a passtime between women? Is this a pattern for him to do women like this? So many questions and thoughts raced through my mind. No answers. My family and friends were accepting and understanding at first, but I soon started getting on their nerves about it. I know I did, because they told me as much. I was asking them the questions that only Allen could answer, but he'd made no attempt to contact me and I damned sure wasn't going to contact him.
I was advised against attending his niece's baptism that was a few weeks away. I couldn't pull out like that, though. His sister-in-law had invited me before the break-up, and I wasn't going to not show up just because of Allen. If anything, I wanted him to see that I was okay, and was moving on, so I'd be alright.
Lilly was one of the people that I'd sent the "family" message to and deleted from Facebook. Sam was never on my friend's list, so imagine my surprise when I received a friend request from him a little over a week later. I cried when I saw his request, and wondered why he was sending one if he knew the circumstances. I sent him a message letting him know the only reasons that I knew for Allen's and my break-up (the whole incident with Jackie), and told him that I'd accept his request, but if he determined that he didn't want to be my friend after reading the message, he could delete me with no hard feelings. He messaged me back letting me know that he and Lilly didn't care what transpired with Allen and me. They liked me, and I'm always welcomed with them and at their house. He also said that Allen had his head too far up his ass, and he was going to buy him a see-through belly button so he could see where he was going. That was funny.
I don't think Allen was even phased by the break-up. Probably routine for him. Inspite of the emotional mess I was in, maybe we could be cordial with each other at his niece's baptism, at least I could be. I vowed that I wouldn't say anything to him if he didn't say anything to me, because I wouldn't be there for him, I'd be there for his niece. I'd thought my healing was well underway and I'd made some progress by the time of the baptism, but I didn't realize how hard an emotional relapse would be when I saw him.
The baptism fell on the weekend of the anniversary of his son's death the previous year. His family was feeling the affects, and his sister-in-law, "Tina", was regretting that she'd agreed to that weekend because she didn't think about the timing. When I arrived in Nebraska, I went to spend some time at "Rob" and Tina's house, just to talk to them, and to play with their daughter for a little while. Of course, the issue of Allen and me came up. I explained to them what had transpired about Jackie, all of her and Barbara's posts and comments on Allen's Facebook, the constant texts he was receiving, Jackie and her tatoo story, the 2 a.m. phone call, everything that I knew, I told them. They both seemed surprised, but I could tell they were being careful in their responses to me. Not like I expected them to tell me anything damning about their family member, but I knew they possibly knew more than I did. I didn't press the issue, just got it off my chest. Rob was encouraging, and told me he had no idea what was wrong with Allen. They asked me if I'd heard from him, I hadn't, and they seemed a bit surprised by that. What? Was he supposed to be contacting me or something?
After I left their house, I needed a drink. Allen had told me about a bar in the town when we were together, and since I was winging it alone, I decided to find it. I didn't take surveillance of vehicles when I arrived (Allen has personalized license plates), so when I walked into the bar and saw him sitting there drinking with 2 women flanked on either side of him (I didn't look long enough to see who they were..just a blond and a brunette) leaning into him, we locked eyes for a second, I turned and immediately walked out. Nice. I see it didn't take him long. I went back to my car, and sat there for a moment, feeling stupid. I'd hoped he might have come out to see why I'd left, but by the time I'd finished the cigarette I'd lit, I knew he didn't give a damn. There was another bar across the street from that one. I went to the corner store, bought me a 24oz Budlight Lime, and proceeded to the other club. I just needed to be around people to help my mood. I didn't know anyone there, the people were friendly enough, but I still felt out of place. This was Allen's turf and town, and I was an outsider trying to fit in. Never mind the fact that I was the only black person in the place. I didn't stay there long. Went back to the corner store, bought another 24oz beer (the cashier was amazed at how fast I'd drank the first one), and just began driving around. The stupidest thing to do, drinking and driving, because I was certainly buzzed. I went and parked back near the bar I'd left, needing to sober up before I tried driving back to the hotel, and a didn't realize I'd parked on private property. I'd reclined the seat, and was trying to let some of the beer effect wear off, when a police woman came tapping on my window asking if I was alright. I easily slid the beer can to the floor, did my best "sober girl" demeanor, and told her that I was just waiting for a friend to contact me to give me directions to their house because I wasn't from there. I'm sure she realized that when she saw my Oklahoma tags. She told me that I couldn't be parked there and needed to move. I thanked her, prayed to God that if He let me get out of that situation without it being discovered that I was drunk, I wouldn't do it again. She backed out, I started the car, and left the area. She followed me part way down the road before turning off.
I'd sobered up a bit after the police incident, and I wanted so bad to talk to Allen. I drove back around to the bar he'd been at, noticed his car was gone (the parkinglot was basically empty by then), and battled with myself on going by his house. I knew he'd still be awake, because he couldn't have been gone that long. I drove up and down his street a few times (his car was at his house) debating, before I finally thought better and headed back to my hotel. Hell, he saw me, so he knew I was in town. He made no effort to communicate with me, so why am I driving around like an idiot wasting my gas? Stupid me. It was almost 3 a.m. and the baptism time would be there soon, and I needed to get completely sober before that time. I didn't even undress when I got to the hotel, just crashed across the bed, shoes and all. When I awoke, I had an hour to get dressed and make it to the church.
I pulled into the church parkinglot at the same time that Lilly did. We exchanged pleasantries, and proceeded in together. I don't know why the strong sensation to cry came over me. I fought that feeling tooth and nail the entire time. I had on mascara that wasn't waterproof, so that wouldn't have made for a pretty picture. Alot of Allen's family was there, including one brother that I thought would burst into flames if he ever set foot in a church, but no Allen. I figured maybe he would come later, because it wasn't like him to miss a family function this important. He never showed. At one point, I excused myself to use the restroom that was in a separate building, and walked down the street to his house. His car was gone. That bastard. He couldn't attend his niece's baptism, but he's out and about this early in the morning? Okay. I walked back to the church and waited for the baptism to begin. After the service, His brother-in-law, "Keith" asked me "So, you still live in Colorado?" WHAT THE FUCK?!?! He did NOT just confuse me with Barbara! I knew instantly that she'd been around some time recently. "I still live in Oklahoma, Keith. I'm not Barbara." Keith knew me from Thanksgiving and Christmas, so why the hell did he just confuse me with Barbara? That was an insult. A complete, unequivocal insult, and I tried not to let my anger flair at it. Too many differences between Barbara and me: 1) she's white, 2) she's not cute AT all (really, I questioned my own looks after seeing some of the women Allen used to date), and 3) I'm not bad-built like her! One of Allen's sisters-in-law started laughing and told him "insert foot in mouth".
We left the church and went to Rob and Tina's house for the post-service reception, where more family and friends arrived. Allen still never showed. I did my best to keep a happy face, and found myself explaining what I knew of our break-up to everyone in the house. They were all curious as to what had happened, because it was a shock to them as well. Half of them had no idea who Jackie even was. That let me know that Allen didn't talk to his family like I thought he did. I asked his mother if I was the reason why Allen wasn't attending the festivities. She gave me a hug, and told me don't even worry about it. If I live my life worried about other people and not myself, I'd be an unhappy person. She didn't answer my question, but her avoidance of it let me know. I gave her a vampire novel book that I'd wanted Allen to have and asked her to give it to him for me. I hoped that he'd at least text me to thank me. Nothing.
Before I got on the road, I thanked his family for being so good to me, and yet remaining so accepting of me, to which they all responded how much they liked me. I was glad to hear that, but it did no good for them to like me if Allen wouldn't even speak to me. I knew I had to break away from them, because when Allen started bringing other women around, there'd be no place for me anymore.
On my way out of town, I had one more stop to make. I remembered where the graveyard is that Allen's son is buried (he'd taken me with him one time to visit) at, and he and I needed to have a little talk. I found his site (right next to Allen's grandfather that passed right after Thanksgiving), knelt in front of it, and spilled my heart to him.
"Hey, there, 'Francis'. You and I never got the opportunity to meet, and I really hate that. I've heard so many wonderful things about you. From what your dad's told me about you, we'd have gotten along great, because we had alot of things in common, liked alot of the same music, and other things that tell me we'd have liked each other very much. You are truly missed. I know your mom, your dad, and Angel love you and miss you more than anyone could ever imagine. Your dad is hurting more than anything else in this world could ever hurt him. He's confused, and going through a very tough time right now. And because I love him, I feel like you not being here is a part of me missing, too. This will probably be my last time ever coming here, so I want you to do me a favor, please? Your dad asked you to watch over my nephew as he's growing up, but I need you to put in a special request to Jesus on your family's behalf. Tell Him they need Him now more than ever. Please be and stay with them. Comfort your mom, your dad, and Angel. They miss you so much, Francis. I hope to see you on the other side."
It was cold outside, but there was no wind. As I got off of my knees, the little pinwheel that was on his grave began to spin. To this day, I'll never know what that was, but I felt contentment. I headed home to Oklahoma, ready to begin my life a fresh.
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