I really needed to release Allen. My head came to that conclusion before we'd even broken up, but my heart continued to linger. Why, heart? Why? At one point, I thought my heart and head were in agreement, but as I contemplated Ron's words, and thought through what I could possibly be missing out on as a result of hanging on to the past, I could no longer deny that I hadn't made much progress at all in moving forward. Maybe if Allen said something totally cruel to me, maybe then I can think of him as the worst fucking scum of the earth, and that may help me. I don't know why I'm weird like that. He'd proven to me that he didn't want anything to do with me, aside from the one text he'd initiated just to say "hi, R, I hope you are well", I hadn't heard from him in several months. His actions were already screaming the obvious, but my "denialist" blinders were on, and I wouldn't let myself adhere to his actions. All of my other methods of attempting to forget about him had failed, so, anything else was worth a try.
"Hi, Allen. I hope all is well with you. Look, I need a favor. I need you to text me back these exact words 'R, we are over. We will never be again, and you need to move on with your life. I wish you the best. Take Care.' Can you do that please?"
"Hi, R! Deja-vu. I was just thinking that I needed to text you this weekend and let you know that I'm seeing someone. Neither of us was looking for anything, but we just clicked and it just happened."
What in the HELL??!! He's SEEING someone? Less than 4 months prior he'd just told me he wasn't ready and didn't know if he'd ever be ready for a relationship, was dealing with too much stuff on his plate with work and his son's death, didn't want to give up his freedom, and suddenly he's seeing someone? Mother Fuck. Son of a bitch.
"LOL. Ok then I guess it won't be too hard for you to text me those words then, huh?"
No response.
"Look, Allen, the reason I'm asking you to text me those words is because I'm seeing someone too. Like you, he and I met and clicked. He wants more with me, but my heart is yet holding on to you and it's not fair to him nor me. Those words will help me to let go"
Nothing. Okay, so, he doesn't want me, but he can't do me the favor of doing what I ask him to do to help me to move on like he apparently did long ago? Selfish fucker. Just when I was about to say fuck it all...
"R, we are over, and will never be again. You need to move on with your life. I wish you nothing but the best. Please take care"
So, he has heart. I scrolled back through my text that I'd sent to him and noticed that he'd added a few words of his own. Nowhere did I ask him to wish me "nothing but" the best and to "please" take care. My text was solid and direct. So why was he toying with me adding the extras? Yeah, anything to make me linger on thinking he's a "good guy", but he's not. He's a selfish, lying, cheating asshole that didn't deserve to let my name roll off of his lips. That's what I had to think to let the fact sink in that he actually text me back those words.
"Thank you. I wish you all of the best as well"
Now, maybe with the words from his phone telling me that we'd never be, my heart would finally grab that, and I could concentrate on figuring the situation with Ron. Maybe with this out of the way, I could see Ron more clearly, and maybe drop my guard a bit to where I won't scrutinize him and put everything under a microscope. That's strange, though, because usually when I find a man that I'm really into, the past seems to suddenly disappear, and I have no problems moving on. So what makes this time so different? Maybe Ron really just wasn't doing it for me.
A few more months passed, and things were going along as usual with Ron and me. But, things would soon change, and I'd have my confirmation as to why I wasn't into Ron like he wanted me to be, and like I could have been.
One night, he had a paper for school due and was at my house sprawled across my bed typing it out on his laptop. I'd cooked dinner, eaten, had gotten comfortable, and was just about dozing off when Ron awoke me and told me his laptop wasn't picking up wi-fi and he needed to connect his computer to my desktop to submit his paper. No problem. He had no idea what he was doing. When I walked in the livingroom, he was unplugging the keyboard, the mouse, changing wires around, and damn near knocked the screen off the desk.
Me: Do you know what you're doing?
Ron: (ducking behind the desk messing with something) Not really, but I figured I'd try to move this wire and that wire and maybe my laptop will connect
Me: Ron, don't mess up my computer if you don't know what you're doing. I didn't know you could connect computers like that anyway
Ron: I don't know either, but I've got 10 minutes before my paper is due by midnight and anything is worth a try
He continued fiddling with wires, and at one point, my computer made a funny noise.
Me: Ron, look, instead of going through all of that, there's a Starbucks 3 minutes away. You can drive up there real quick and pick up their wi-fi
Ron: Shit. I won't have time
Me: Well, if you keep going about it like this you won't have time doing it this way, either. Starbucks is right there, go now
Ron: (getting irritated) How am I supposed to do that? I have 5 minutes
Me: (getting equally as irritated) Well if you'd hurry up, you'll make it! Plus, you're probably messing up my computer, and are you going to buy me a new one?
Ron: (getting up, frustrated) Whatever, R. I'll be back
He'd hit a spot that didn't need to be hit that night. How dare he get mad at me when he was about to tear up my computer not knowing what the hell he was doing. He slammed my door as he was leaving, and I heard him burn rubber out of the parkinglot. I was a bit peaved, but went and got back in my bed. All three dogs had sensed some discord, because they were all standing in the hallway looking at me like "what's going on?"
About an hour later, after I'd dozed back off, my phone rang. I was barely coherent enough to look and see that it was Ron calling.
Me: Hullo?
Ron: I ran out of gas
Me: (more alert now) What?
Ron: (louder) I RAN OUT OF GAS
Me: Where are you?
Ron: In the parkinglot behind Walmart
Me: What are you doing there? Starbucks is on the other side
Ron: I know. I decided to try a different way, though
Me: Well, did you at least get your paper submitted
Ron: No. But are you going to come get me?
Me: Yeah. I've gotta throw on some clothes and I'll be right there
Ron: Okay. I'm in the office complex behind Walmart
Of all the stupid things. At this point, I realized something was very wrong with him. Starbucks was, at most, a 3 minute drive from my apartment, and instead of him just going right there, he detoured for only God knows what. He'd been gone for over an hour, so what was he doing? Strange. I got dressed and went to where he told me. When I got there, he was visibly upset, understandable, and told me he left his gas can in his garage, so we needed to go to Walmart to get a gas can. Ok, now. There was a gas station that was maybe a 7 minute walk from where he was that was open 24 hours, and he waited for me to get there to drive to Walmart to get a gas can? It was summer, so it's not like he'd have frozen, and it's a decent neighborhood, so he didn't have to worry about mugging. So why did he wait all that time when he could have already resolved the whole issue and been back at my apartment? Why did he feel the need to bother me while I was sleep? Oh, I forgot, there's some recap I need to do before I continue...
***Not too overly long after we'd started "dating", Ron informed me that he was bi-polar. I'd never really dealt with anyone that has that illness (I've got a brother that was diagnosed, and a sister with the symptoms, but they're much younger than me, and I hadn't lived with them since they've been older to know how it affects them), but I'd heard that as long as bi-polar people took their meds, they were okay. As far as I'd known, Ron stayed medicated, because we'd never experienced any issues. That did explain his being awake seeminly 24-7 when we first met...the doctor had changed his meds, and his body hadn't gotten used to them, so he was in a "manic up" at that point. Over time, though, he'd started adjusting to it. I'll also mention that he receives an SSI check because of his illness. He paid for our outing the first couple of times we went out, but once his debit card started being declined, it seemed to never recover. He hadn't worked in construction or carpentry in a few months, so the SSI was his only income once a month. Let me clarify, I don't have an issue paying for outings, especially if a guy has been paying all along, but to have it forced on me, and consecutively thereafter wasn't cool. One time, we went to eat, he ordered one of the most expensive things on the menu, and then didn't have any money. I paid for my food, and told the waitress that he would be taking care of his own. I'd had enough of that happening so frequently, so it didn't phase me one bit to just pay for mine and leave him to fend for himself...however he had to. He'd moved in with his parents (that's why he was always at my place), so he didn't have any real bills, child support was taken out of his SSI before-hand, so what he was doing with the $1300 he received every month was beyond me. Plus, he'd made the mistake of telling me that he has a savings account in Missouri that his mom had withdrawn a very large sum of money from for him a few days before the day (when she was there visiting) he ran out of gas. All I know is I wasn't going to keep putting up with it.***
Now, to continue....
Me: How long have you been out here?
Ron: Maybe about 15 minutes before I called you
Me: Why didn't you just walk over to the gas station, get a gas can and get some gas?
Ron: I don't have any money
Me: (upset) Ron, what happened to that cashier's check your mom gave you the other day?
Ron: I haven't cashed it
Me: Why not? I thought you were doing that earlier today?
Ron: (getting upset) I forgot. I forgot to go before I went to the softball game, and my bank was closed by time I was done
Me: You could've gone to a check cashing place
Ron: Look, I'll give you back the money for the can and the gas tomorrow, ok? I'll give you back all of the money you've spent since we've known each other. Are you gonna do this for me or what?
I didn't say another word. I was pissed by that time. You damned right you're gonna pay me back. I had seen the cashier's check and how much it was, and the fact that it was made out to him, so I was getting my money back. I drove to Walmart, where we walked in silence. He made a beeline for the gas cans, I stopped and tinkered with a few things along the way. When we got to the checkout, there was 2 registers open with probably 15 people in each line. Anyone who's ever been to Walmart at night knows what I'm talking about. I picked up a tabloid and started reading while he was moving with the line. I expected that he'd tell me when he got the register because I wasn't paying attention. I was mad, and didn't want to be close to him. Next thing I knew, I looked up, and the person that was in line behind Ron was at the register. I looked around, didn't see him. I put the book down, walked to the front, no sign of Ron. I walked towards the exit wondering how he managed to pay for the gas can. Still didn't see him. I walked out to see if he was at my car. Nowhere to be found. I went back inside, tried calling his cell. Voicemail. I asked the greeter if she'd seen him. No luck. Where the fuck is this man? I know he didn't walk back to his van. I went back to the checkout, walked around a bit, walked back to the front, stood there for a minute, tried calling his phone again. Finally I see his ass walking from the hardware direction towards the store exit on his phone. No gas can in his hand. I ran to catch up with him calling his name. He acted like he didn't hear me. When I caught up with him, he was getting off the phone with who he was talking to.
Me: (aggitated) Where were you? Where's the gas can?
Ron: (mad) Forget it, R. My sister is on her way to get me
(they lived about 45 minutes from where we were)
Me: What? What are you talking about? Why is she coming to get you?
Ron: You didn't want to help me, so I called my sister
Me: What? Why did you get out of line?
Ron: You knew I was at the register and you just stood there reading that magazine. You obviously didn't want to help me, so fuck it. Don't worry about it. Just take me back to my van
(we were in the parkinglot heading towards my car)
Me: (very upset) Ron, no I didn't know that. I was reading. Why didn't you call my name? You know I zone out when I'm reading something good. I wasn't paying attention to the line
Ron: Well, if it was that important to you, you would have been paying attention
Me: And if it was that important to you, you would have said my name. Me zoning out when I'm reading is nothing new to you. Did you take your meds?
Ron: (voice octives higher) You know what, R? Fuck it. I'll just walk back to my van. I'll pay you everything you've spent tomorrow, and you don't have to worry about me anymore
(mind you, I don't like to argue in public, but he had me seriously pissed by that time. My voice got several octives higher. His reaction let me know he wasn't medicated)
Me: Oh, that's real mature. Fine. You want to act like that, that's on you
(he'd started towards the direction of the office buildings where his van was. I got in my ride, and followed him)
Me: (riding along side him with my window down) You're being very immature right now
Ron: (looking straight ahead and mad) Oh, well. I'll just be immature then. You've been acting like this for a while now, so I get the hint. Bye
Me: (what the fuck?) Acting like what?
Ron: Like you don't care about anything. Something else always has your attention
Me: Whatever. That's not true, and you know it. I can't believe you're acting like this. You haven't taken your meds have you?
Ron: What's it to you?
Me: That explains it, then. You haven't. Look, I can't believe you woke your sister up in the middle of the night cause you're throwing a tantrum about a gas can
Ron: She was already woke, and it doesn't matter. My sister loves me and will help me anytime I need her to. Unlike you
Me: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
[I don't curse in everyday talk...seriously. On here, I'm putting all of my thoughts down, so the expletives (outside of the direct conversations) are a part of my thoughts and what I'm thinking in correlation to what's transpiring, not language I actually use. That moment, I did say it, though]
Ron: (smirking) R, I know you've still got a thing for Allen and that's why you won't take things further with me
Me: Whoa! Wait a minute! Where is this coming from? What are you talking about?
Ron: (laughing) It's only obvious. That's okay, though. I hope he calls wanting to get back with you so you can be happy
Me: (damn) Hold up! This has NOTHING to do with Allen. This is about what YOU'RE doing!
Ron: (yelling) This has everything to do with him! You won't be my girlfriend, you won't make out with me anymore, you barely even want to hang out with me anymore, so I know he's the reason why
Me: That is SO not true! You've been at my house almost everyday for the past few months, so what you're talking about is bogus and not making any sense
Ron: Yeah, right. Anyway, just go back home, get back in your bed. I'm sorry to have bothered you. My sister's on her way. I'll cash the check tomorrow and bring you some money and get my dog
(still riding along side of him. He's walking pretty fast though, and half way to the van)
Me: Ron! You have alot of nerve to blame me for the way you're acting! You are being extremely childish! Seriously! I was going to pay for the gas can and put gas in your van. You said you'd pay me tomorrow, so fine. Won't you just call your sister back to keep her from coming all the way out here at this time of morning?
Ron: No. She's coming
(we'd made it back to his van by that time)
I'd gotten out of my ride, and we continued arguing for a while. I could have just said "fuck it" and left him waiting there for his sister, but, since she and I were on good terms, I didn't want her to think that I'm the reason why she had to make that trip. I wanted to let her know that this was completely on her insane brother, so I waited there with him for her to arrive. When she got there, I'd gotten back in my car and was sitting there with the motor running. I told her I was sorry that she had to come all the way to my side of town for this reason, but Ron refused to let me help. I think she already knew because she told me it was ok, and asked Ron if he'd taken his meds. This was my first experience dealing with the unmedicated side of him. I left thinking that once he came and got his dog, I was done with him.
He called several times that night. I couldn't go back to sleep, I was too furious, so I didn't answer. After about the 5th time of him calling, he left a voicemail apologizing for his actions and attitude. He admitted that he hadn't taken his meds and it was all his fault. A bit too late for that. When I finally called him back, he asked if he could come over. I'd had enough of him for that night, and wasn't trying to see him, so I told him that Fox was alright, and everything could wait until daytime. He told me he would make it up to me, to which, just as pacification, I told him that would be fine. He cashed the check later that day, and came to get his dog.
The next day, he called telling me his sister had convinced him to check into the hospital for help. Okay, this was new to me. His family had done an intervention, because obviously the new meds weren't working, he wasn't taking them like he was supposed to, a combination of the two, and he was back to his "manic" phase again. This wasn't the first time. I found out he's been in and out of psych wards since he was 12. I felt bad for him, because his voluntary commital wound up becoming involuntary. He was only supposed to be in there a few days, but the doctor wouldn't discharge him and had him transferred to another specialty hospital. He was in there for a little over a month. I was a good friend and went to visit on a regular basis, and he was always so happy to see me and tell me about all the experimental drugs they were trying with him. I'm guessing they were trying to get a right combination to work.
When he was released, he tried to get back in my good graces, telling me that he had fallen in love with me because of my dedication to him during that hard time, and because I hadn't deserted him. Besides his family, one guy friend, and some people from his church, I was the only one that was going to see him, and standing by him. Although that made me feel good to hear that acknowledgement, I straightway told him that there was no future between us, so his efforts were futile. Although he's a great guy in alot of ways, and I'm sure he has plenty to offer the right woman, I couldn't see myself dealing with his manics, his rages, nor possibly having to commit him to hospitals for the rest of our lives. That's not how I want to live. He said he understood, and left it at that. He still texts and calls me on occasion, and we've hung out once or twice since then, but the chapter in that book has been closed.
If only I could get Allen out of my head and heart as easily...
I decided to give the dating sites one more chance. After a couple of weeks on there, out of the blue, I received a message from "Will".
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