*As they say, time (and someone new) has a way of healing wounds, and when you open your mind to receive that healing, your world can be set back to right order. Such has been the case with the guy I'm seeing now, we'll call him "Sven" (he's from Sweden), but I'm not going into him now, that comes later, otherwise I'll throw off the sequence of events.*
I have to backtrack a bit, as I seemed to have omitted some pertinent information from my 2 previous posts that plays a part in the sequence of events. A little over a month after I'd met John and Allen online, but was getting more in tune with Allen, Mason decided to call me. I didn't recognize his phone number, sent him to my voicemail, and when I checked it, found out that he'd returned home from deployment, and wanted to talk to me. We had nothing to speak about, in my mind, as he's the one that had made the decision to tell me not to contact him anymore, and that was enough for me. But, curiosity as to what he wanted led me to return his call. I got his voicemail, left a vague message that I was returning his call, and he was free to call me back if he wanted to. He did shortly after. I was very short with him, and told him all that needed to be said had been said, so there was nothing more that could possibly be discussed. He informed me at that time that he'd received my letter (ah, so that's what this is about) while he was yet overseas, and he realized how much he messed up by letting me go. Hmmm. I see. So, this was playing to be a classic case of "you don't miss your water until your well runs dry". It had been months since I'd sent that, and I didn't even remember what all I'd written him in detail, other than I'd learned alot from him, and he'd never know just how much he'd opened my world to new things, and I'd thanked him for making me better for the next man that would come into my life. He asked me for a second chance, reminding me that I'd told him people sometimes deserve one, to which I replied that I'd just healed from our first time around, so not only would I need to think deeply about it, but I'd prefer him not contact me until I did...I'd contact him. He called a few times after that (I kept sending him to voicemail), but didn't make any real effort until he saw that my relationship status (I'd gotten with Allen) had been changed on Facebook. Mason had deleted me from his page earlier that year, but one of his brothers was yet on my friend's list, we'd exchanged a few page posts (and inbox messages), my page (at the time) was open to "friends-of-friends", so he'd obviously been stalking my page to see that indeed, he had been put out of my mind, and I'd moved on. That's when he sent me a message on Facebook.
Hey, Beautiful. I guess you've decided not to give me a second chance. I'm sorry I hurt you before, but I can't see your little pizza boy (that was one of Allen's part-time jobs, obviously he'd been checking out his page, too) doing any good by you. Not only can't he take care of you the way I can, but I can tell you now that he's not serious about you. Don't ask me how I know, just know that I'm a man and I can tell these things. I don't want you to wait until he's hurt you to come crying back to me, so why don't you just save yourself the trouble, tell him you can't be with him, and come back to me. I'll be waiting for your response.
Of all the egotistical nerve. I thought better against even responding, but I'm the strong-willed type, and was determined to not let him have the last thought or say in the matter.
Mason, why are you contacting me? I thought we agreed that I'd contact you when I'd made up my mind about you? I appreciate you reaching out, and your "thoughts" on Allen, but for your information, you know absolutely nothing about him, therefore, I will disregard your rash statements. I don't forsee myself crying back to you in any instance, so, thank you, but no thank you. Save yourself the trouble, and take care.
The words "take care" to me seemed to have a finality in dealings with someone. Something like FEZ's (from "That 70's Show) "good day...I said GOOD DAY". I credit Lawrence for my phobia of those words being said to me (he scared me once when he'd said "take care" to me), and the term just stuck as far as being basically done dealing with someone when those words are uttered. Thank goodness that wasn't the case with Lawrence, but I still shudder at them, so those are my "taboo" words, even still to this day.
I'd informed Allen (like a good girlfriend) of Mason's attempts to contact me, although I never told him the details of contents, and to my surprise, Allen asked me "why don't you just talk to him?". About what? I'm happy where I am and with who I'm with, so what need do I have to communicate with a man that not only made my heart bleed, but one that was predicting the death of Allen and my relationship? No thank you. I left it at that. Allen had been surprisingly permissive when it came to me dealing with other men (I'd given him free reign to answer my phone or see my texts anytime we were together..I had nothing to hide. Maybe I should have known when I wasn't extended the same). After Allen and I became official, John had asked me to dinner again, even though he knew I was in a relationship. I'd told Allen about that, and his response was "tell him all three of us can go when I come down there again" (I told John that response, and he was up for the challenge "yeah, let's go when he gets here"). There was sarcasm in that response, but he never seemed to mind. Maybe it was because he trusted me, or maybe he just didn't care. I was permissive with his dealings with other women (co workers and random friends that would invite him for drinks or to parties), didn't mind, and never made an issue of it when he'd tell me he was doing as such. Hell, I wasn't there to go all the time, but I didn't want him to think he had to give up having fun because of me. There was a limit to the "fun" in my eyes, but he seemed to deal with some (not all..I still liked some of his friends that I'd come to know, even though he'd slept with them..they weren't disrespectful) women that were more treacherous (i.e. Barbara, Jackie, and a few others that seemed to not care that he was in a relationship) than the guys I dealt with, and although I trusted him, it was them I didn't. Even though I may not have been so sure about some of the women and their motives, I know people will only do as much as they want to do. Allen would only do as much as he wanted to.
Let me be clear, for the record. I never had any issues at all with Allen, or any man I deal with for that matter, having friends of the opposite sex (it would be hypocritical when I have guy friends), I just don't appreciate dealing with disrespect, and expect the man I'm with to put those affairs in order, just as I do. None of my male friends would ever consider blatantly disrespecting a man I'm with, knowing that I'd put them in their place and/or cut them off quickly if they did. If a guy I'm dating ever feels disrespected by a guy friend of mine and brings it to my attention (if I'm not aware), he can bet his bottom dollar that I'll deal with it. Luckily, my few guy friends are true friends, treasure my friendship (as I do theirs), and don't want that to happen. I've done it before, and I'll continue to do it. To me, if your friends can't respect your relationship, they're not your friends, and they don't respect you, no matter how they may feel about who you're dating. My closest friends have voiced their opinions to me about guys I've dated, but they've never disrespected them. I don't disrespect, and I don't tolerate disrespect very well at all, giving or receiving.
Moving ahead. I didn't hear anything else from Mason after that message until New Years that year. Allen had come down to bring it in with me (even though I had to work New Year's Eve night), and Mason called at midnight to wish me a Happy New Year and see if I'd reconsidered. He went to my voicemail, because not only was I not interested in wishing him the same, I was at work, and was too excited to get off and get home to the man that was in my bed.
Fast forward, back to the story in progress from the previous post. The time had come for Allen's nephew's birthday party. I had called Allen's sister-in-law, "Betty", to make accommodations for me to stay at their place while I was there. I wasn't used to doing this on my own, because Allen always took care of the matters, but I hadn't heard from him all that week. When Betty told me that Allen hadn't said anything to them about me needing somewhere to stay, I told her that I hadn't heard from him. "Uh oh" was her only response. She didn't elaborate, but reassured me that I'm always welcomed at their home. I felt a bit weird when I got there, and although I could have stayed at Betty's house, I needed to get my thoughts together, so I got a hotel instead. I text Allen to let him know that I was in town. He responded, that he was at "Richard" and Betty's house downloading music to the MP3 player (we're old school) I'd bought him for Christmas, was going to work out at the gym, and would come to the hotel when he finished. Okay, I knew he was in a gym competition to win money for the person who lost the most weight in a certain period of time, but I hadn't seen him in almost a month (since the blow up about Jackie), we hadn't communicated but a hand-full of times since then, and he couldn't skip the gym this one day to spend time with me? I was yet waiting for his answer as to what we were going to do about our relationship, and I figured he was stalling. He eventually made it to me (after a few hours), and when he got there, I was nervous.
Allen: (sitting on the opposite twin bed) So, I guess you're wanting an answer as to what I want to do?
Me: (feeling nervous) That would be nice
Allen: R, look, I want to see where this relationship could go. I'm not ready to give up on it yet. But, I've also come to the conclusion that I don't want anymore kids. I miss my son (it hadn't even been a year since his death), and I don't want the guilt of bringing anymore kids into the world because I feel like I'd be comparing them to him (he's crying by now)
(we'd had several discussions about him having his vasectomy reversed when we'd first began dating. He'd said he wanted another child and knew I'd wanted one. He'd even gone so far as to go for a consultation and get pricing on the reversal, and I'd agreed to split the cost)
Me: (moving to sit next to him. I was super relieved that he wanted to stay with me) Babe, don't even worry about that. I'm sorry for even being so cruel as to speak of wanting children when your wound is so fresh. That's my fault and I'm sorry. Did you think you'd get rid of me that easily by that revelation?
Allen: I'm not trying to get rid of you. I don't want to. But I know you want children, and I don't want anymore
Me: That's not even a thought for me, right now. My thoughts are of you and me. I don't care if we don't have children, I just want you. To be with you. Thank you for valuing what we've established
I felt a little better, but I still wasn't completely satiated that this was over. For now, a bandage had been placed on the wound, but something told me, infection was setting in. Things were yet tense between us, but we went to the movies (his phone was vibrating the entire time, but he didn't check it until we walked out of the theatre). He excused himself to go to the bathroom, and came out stating that some friends (that I hadn't met yet) were inviting us for drinks. We went back to the hotel for me to change clothes, and he was impatient the entire time I was getting dressed. I was talking to him about Eric and one of the girls he was dealing with, when he responded "well, I can't blame him. What else would she want him to give up?" There was another "uh oh" minute, but I tried to play it off. I read into that statement, knew where it came from (our Jackie blow up), and knew where it was leading, but for the time, I was going to enjoy my moments with him. I'd never asked him to give up anything or anyone for me (and probably never would), so how he could come at me like that was unsettling.
Tension was thick between us for the rest of the night, inspite of efforts on both our parts to enjoy ourselves. Mother Nature has a way of being cruel and had reared her ugly head on my way up there, so I couldn't have sex with him that night. I gave my best effort to be content just laying next to him, but I couldn't sleep. The same eerie feeling I'd had laying in Mason's bed over a year prior had returned. WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON??? The next morning, I gave him a blow job just to be able to have some sexual contact with him. We hadn't made love in a while, and I could feel the toll it was taking on not only me, but he was extremely distant. He came, but it wasn't like in previous times where the contentment of enjoyment was evident. It was just a nut. I didn't know at the time that that would be the last one I'd ever see out of him. Looking back, I should have made it the best, swallowed it, played in it, ravished in it, because even though they were "blanks", they were the best.
The tension between us was still there when we went shopping for his nephew's birthday present. We'd had a slight disagreement while we were at the store, and when we left, he dropped me back at the hotel to get my car. He left me again...to go work out. I was left to my own devices. I'd checked out of the hotel and was going to spend that night at Richard and Betty's house, but I needed to think. I rode around until I found the gym that he was at, and sat there for a moment watching him on one of the machines. Why was my head telling me this relationship was over, but why wouldn't my heart agree? There was more between him and Jackie than he wanted to admit, and I'd called him on the situation. If it wasn't Jackie, it was some woman, and he'd never tell me. It just took the situation with Jackie to bring it out. I'd seen this reaction before, just not to this degree with a man I cared for this deeply. He'd been backed into a corner, and this was his way of revolting. I didn't stay in the gym parking lot long. My head and my heart were at war, and I think my heart was trying to tell my head that he wouldn't hurt me, but yet it was happening. The emotional distance between us was growing more by the moment. I eventually made my way to Richard and Betty's house (after getting stuck in the snow at a store and having some strangers help dig me out), and contented to try and make the best of things. When I arrived alone, the first question out of everyone's mouth "where's Allen?". "At the gym" was all I could tell them. That response was met with some questioning and some uncertain looks, but nobody said anything. I think back on that now and know they must've been feeling like I was, because since they'd met me, this type of behavior was out of character for Allen.
He arrived after a while, and the tension between us was yet obvious. I tried my best to play it off by keeping a smile on my face, and mingling with everyone, but my heart wasn't in it. It was a facade that I hoped no one would notice. One of his sisters-in-law did, because she kept looking at me with a "I know" look on her face. She didn't say anything, but at one point, she just put her hand on mine, and patted it. It felt good to have another woman "read" my feelings without me saying a word. There was no need to. It was better in silence. After the party, Allen was going to work at the club that night. I had initially intended to stay the night and leave the next morning, but I couldn't. I announced that I was getting on the road. His family tried to persuade me to stay, because it was a nasty blizzard that night, but I determined to battle that than the feelings I was dealing with. Allen started my car, and scraped the snow off my windshield, then gave me the coldest, most insincere kiss goodbye.
I don't think I was out of the city limits before the tears came. He did surprise me by texting me not long after to make sure I was okay. I wasn't, but wouldn't tell him that. He told me to be careful, and didn't text anymore. When I arrived home, I immediately broke down. Inspite of him saying he wanted to maintain the relationship, I knew his heart was no longer in it. He was sparing me for the time, and although I appreciated it, I couldn't help but wonder how long he would keep this up.
Valentine's Day was a couple of weeks away, and we'd agreed that I would come back to spend it with him. That would be the first Valentine's Day in years that I'd been in a relationship, and I wanted to make the best of it. I went and bought some new lingerie, some new toys (this would be our first time using them together), had everyting mapped out for a memorable night. I couldn't wait to be in his arms again. And then I made the tragic mistake of Facebook posting about a job position I was denied for. I hadn't heard from Allen in 2 days, so I hadn't had the opportunity to tell him about my misfortune. The movie "He's Just Not That Into You" has always been my bible movie, so I'd make frequent references to things said in the movie for different things going on in my life. My friend, Eric, always referred to himself as the "bartender", and to me as "Gi-Gi". The similarities between her and me were astronomical. My post, "Why do I feel like the exception, wishing I was the rule?", my reference was to being told that the fact I didn't have a degree or enough experience with my company disqualified me at the time for the higher position. Eric wasn't aware of the job scenario (hadn't updated him either), but he was aware of my situation with Allen. So he commented along the lines of "If a man acts like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. Move on". Allen saw this post and that got a reaction out of him. I received a text from him...A FUCKING TEXT...2 days after my post, right while I was getting off from work that morning and heading home.
"R, I can't do this anymore. I know you haven't heard from me in a few days because I've been sick (the first I'm hearing of him being sick..he was fine that weekend) and I know it's chickenshit for me to be doing this by text, but I can't live up to your expectations. I'm sorry, but I have to walk away. Please don't try to contact me."
OH HELL NO. This wasn't happening, especially by text. I had worked all night, had to work again that night, but I wasn't going to let this go down like this. I turned around on the freeway, and headed towards Nebraska.
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