Eric: You're WHERE? R, what are you doing? Why are you wasting your gas and your time chasing down an asshole that didn't even have the decency to CALL you to break up? What are you, stupid? Didn't you just get off of work and don't you have to work tonight?
Me: I know, but, Eric, I love this man. I'm not willing to just let it go like that. If he wants to end it, I at least want him to look into my eyes and tell me that
Eric: So you're going to make a 6 1/2 hour drive just for this chickenshit of a man to tell you in person that he doesn't want you anymore? Come on, R! You're not that desperate for a man. You've got too many guys chasing after you for you to still be dealing with his bum ass. He obviously doesn't give a shit about you, yet you're putting the miles on your SUV and spending money on gas, not to mention you're wasting sleep time. You're crazy
Me: I know what it looks like. Maybe I am crazy. Eric, if you'd ever been in love before, you'd understand. I don't expect you to, but just know that I'm doing what I have to do to make things right for me
Eric: Whatever. If doing stupid shit like this is part of being in love, then I don't want anything to do with it. I mean really, R. Think about it. I told you a long time ago to leave the asshole alone. He doesn't give a shit about you OR your feelings otherwise he'd at least called you. He sent you a damned text. A TEXT, R. You hadn't heard from him in a couple days, and his first contact with you is to break up with you by a TEXT. All the guys that want your time, yet you're wasting it on this asshole. What's wrong with you?
Me: Hey, my mom's calling on the other line. I'll call you back
Eric: Yeah. Whatever. Maybe she can help you see that you're being dumb
(clicks over)
Me: Good morning, Mommy
My Mom: Good morning, Baby. How was work lastnight?
Me: Work was fine
My Mom: Good. How are you this morning?
(dead air)
My Mom: R? You there?
Me: Yeah, I'm here.
My Mom: Is something wrong with your phone?
Me: No. I'm.....I'm not doing so well this morning
My Mom: What's wrong, Baby?
Me: Allen just sent me a text saying he's breaking up with me
My Mom: Wow. A text?
Me: Yeah
My Mom: Well, R, have you responded to it and asked him why?
Me: Yeah, I've been texting him. Tried to call him, too, but he didn't answer
My Mom: What did he say? What's the reason?
Me: He misunderstood a post I put on Facebook about not being promoted. I said "why do I feel like the exception wishing I was the rule?" and he says he can't live up to my expectations
My Mom: What expectations? And, did you explain the misunderstanding to him?
Me: I have no idea what expectations he's talking about, and yes, I've tried explaining the misunderstanding
My Mom: Well, what did he say about that?
Me: Nothing pertinent
My Mom: Well, honey, just get some rest and maybe you guys can talk later after he's had a chance to let it soak in that he misunderstood what your post was about
Me: I can't wait that long. I'm on my way to Nebraska now
My Mom: (pauses for a moment) How far are you?
Me: In Kansas
My Mom: Well, I already know I won't be able to convince you to turn around and head home, so just be careful, Baby. If he doesn't want to talk when you get there, don't try to force him. Just get back in your car and go home. Does he know you're coming?
Me: Nope. I'm gonna catch him when he's getting off work. I should be there in time
My Mom: Like I said, just be careful. I love you, and text me to let me know you're alright
Me: I will, Mommy. I love you too, and I'll talk to you later
I was feverishly texting Allen, trying to make some sense of this whole matter. My head was swimming, and my adrenaline was rushing. Luckily, he was at least responding, but I wasn't getting to the heart of why he was acting like this. I asked him in one text "where did we go wrong? What happened to our communication?", and he simply responded "I don't know". During our text exchanges, Wally called (our ritual every morning)
Wally: What's up, Punk?
Me: Hey, Buckethead
Wally: What are you doing, cause it doesn't sound like you're in bed already
Me: If I told you, you wouldn't believe me
Wally: Oh, shit. Try me. I've learned to believe anything when it comes to you
Me: Allen broke up with me by text this morning, and I'm on my way to Nebraska because he won't answer his phone
Wally: (pauses for a moment) Where are you?
Me: Kansas. About another 3 hours from him
Wally: Well, be careful. Did he at least say why?
Me: Did you see my status the other day about feeling like the exception wishing I was the rule?
Wally: Yeah. I saw Eric's comment on it, too. I thought you were talking about that promotion you got passed over for cause we'd just got off the phone talking about it when you post. He must've seen it too and seen Eric's response and thought you were talking about him
Me: See, exactly. You knew that, and that's the excuse he's using as to why
Wally: Damn. Did he even ask you about it?
Me: Nope. I told you I hadn't talked to him since I left last weekend
Wally: And Dude just broke up with you by text?
Me: Yep. I tried to call him, and he won't answer his phone. He's at work, but obviously had enough time to send the text
Wally: I already know you won't turn around and go home, so just be careful. Man, R. I try not to tell you too much, because you don't listen, and I told you a long time ago to let him go, because I saw heartbreak for you, but just be prepared for whatever happens. I know you're hoping he'll talk to you, but if you don't get the answers you want, just accept what you do, and get on with your life. I want you to know you're better than this, R.
Me: Better than what?
Wally: Doing what you're doing. He's not worth it. He didn't think you were worth at least a phone call, but you just got off work and have to work tonight. You're sacrificing your sleep, and risking anything happening to you if you get tired
Me: I know, Wally. But, you've been in love before, so you understand why I'm doing what I feel I need to do
Wally: I know. That's why I just told you to be careful. Text me when you make it there, and let me know when you get back on the road. Does he know you're coming?
Me: I will, and no. I want to surprise him
Wally: Not a good move. You should at least let him know when you get there. Men don't like to be caught off guard like that, and you don't want him to trip out over you surprising him. That's like backing a cat into a corner
Me: He's not answering his phone
Wally: Send him a text
What's normally a 6 1/2 hour drive turned into a 5 1/2 hour drive for me. I did 80-85 mph the entire way. When I arrived in his town, he was still over an hour from getting off work. I went to the Dollar General, bought a drink, and parked in his job's parking lot....right next to his car. About 15 minutes before he was scheduled to get off, I sent him a text that said "just letting you know I'm in town so you won't be caught off guard".
He was one of the last ones to walk out of his building. When he saw me, he still looked surprised, but I was smiling, and puffing on a cigarette. I should probably mention that I used to have a tendency to buy a pack anytime my nerves would be on edge, smoke a few, and toss the rest for going stale. I did alot of smoking during our relationship, and never a stale cigarette did I see. Hindsight, maybe that should have been a clue. Thank goodness I've found other avenues for stress relief (nothing tobacco, drug, or alcohol related) now, because those cigarettes were kicking my butt, in cost, and in coughing.
Me: I sent you a text letting you know I was here
Allen: I was busy trying to get out of there
Me: Look, I'm not gonna keep you. I just couldn't believe that I hadn't heard from you in days, and the first time I do, you're breaking up with me
Allen: R, I was sick. That's why you didn't hear from me. And I can't live up to your expectations. It's too much for me, and your standards are too high
Me: What standards? What expectations? What are you talking about?
Allen: The post on Facebook. I know I haven't been giving you the time you want, but I've got alot that I'm dealing with. When I saw that, I read it a few times, then I saw Eric's post, and I saw the text you sent to me instead of your cousin about your mom not wanting you to run me off. All of it. I just can't live up to it. I'm not that man. It's too much pressure for me
Me: I explained to you about the Facebook post. I hadn't talked to you to tell you about the job, so of course you were in the dark about that. Eric hadn't been told about me getting passed over for it, so he thought I was talking about you. And what was so damaging because my mom doesn't want me to run you off? I've told you about some of the guys I've dealt with in my past, and she knows how I am because of it. That's exactly what I've been trying NOT to do with you. I've even been trying to be the exact opposite of the women you've dealt with before. Eric, look, I'm apologizing again about asking you about Jackie. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. I trust you, that's why I always just say "ok" when I ask you about something and you respond. I have to take your word for it that you don't want those women. And I know you don't because if you did, you'd be with them. But you're not. You're with me. Allen, are you really willing to give up everything that we've established and everything we've talked about having together? Do you really just want to let all of that go to waste? I'm not, because I hadn't known happiness in a long time, and then I met you and everything was right.
Allen: (looking at the ground) R, that's just alot of pressure. Put yourself in my shoes for reading your post on Facebook. How would you feel?
Me: You want me to delete that post? I'll do it right now. Allen, I'm sorry. Look, I've never tried to put any pressure on you for anything because I know you're dealing with alot. Your son, working alot...everything. I don't know how my Facebook posts look to you, but I'll start running them by you before I post them so I don't have to worry about you being offended by them
Allen: R, you don't have to do that. And there've been a few other's that I've questioned, too
Me: But I will. Or I'll have Wally read them, and if he says there's something that can be misconstrued, I'll remove it. I just don't want us to be apart. Especially over something that's in my control. Babe, do you REALLY just want to let me walk away like this? If you do, I'll go, and you won't hear anything else out of me
Allen: No, R. That's not what I want
Me: Then can we start over? Can we go back to our happy times and move forward?
Allen: Yes. We can
Even though there was loads of hesitation on his part, I was just happy that he reneged on the break up. I'd gotten out of my car, and gave him a huge hug.
Me: And just so you know, I know Barbara's coming up this weekend. I saw where "Tabitha" (a mutual friend on Facebook) posted and she commented on Tabitha's page that she'd be here
Allen: This has nothing to do with Barbara
Me: I know. It has everything to do with you and me. Go out with them and have fun
Allen: I've gotta go. I have to be at the other job in a little bit
Me: Yeah, I know. I've gotta get back on the road and get to work for tonight myself
We'd only spent maybe 20 minutes together, and gotten what I wanted. Inspite of this, my mind still told me that things weren't right. I was more uneasy than I had been before, but I was happy that I could still call him my boyfriend. I got back on the highway heading to Oklahoma, deleted the post about feeling like the exception, and updated my Facebook status to say "THE...BEST...BOYFRIEND.......EVER!!!" I wonder what he thought when he saw that.
I made my calls to my mom and Wally to let them know what had transpired. They were both surprised by his reaction, and were happy that I was happy. I wasn't expecting the rain on my parade when my cousin "Coco" called me.
Coco: You're where? You did WHAT?
Me: Coco, I had to. I couldn't just let things go down like that
Coco: R, the man doesn't love you, he doesn't give a shit about you. Any man that can't show the decency to at least call you isn't worth it. Oh my God. My cousin! Girl, I love you, but sometimes I wonder how I even deal with you. Something is very wrong with you mentally
Me: I know, girl. Call me insane. Yes, he may have showed that he doesn't love me, but I love him
Coco: So why do you want to go out of your way to prove a love that you know he's not gonna show in return? Think about it, R. What is this man doing for you that's so irreplaceable? He's not paying any of your bills, hell, he ain't even around to dick you down all the time. I could see if he was doing something for you in some big way and you'd be losing that, but what the fuck is he doing besides buying you a couple of presents, coming to see you every so often, and sending you cards? Shit, he don't even do THAT anymore. Do you really think he'd have driven his sorry ass to Oklahoma if you'd broke up with him? Come on, girl. Where is your mind?
Me: (laughing) I know. No, he doesn't pay my bills or anything, but you don't understand how I feel when we're together. He takes care of me then, C. He makes me feel good about myself
Coco: Okay, R, think about what you're saying. How the hell is you driving your ass all the way to Nebraska for clarification because he's too big of an asshole making you feel good about yourself? Do you really feel better now? I mean, really. Do YOU feel BETTER now?
Me: (quietly) No, not really
Coco: Exactly, then. Damage is already done, and I wish you'd have called me before you got your ass on the highway
Me: You know that wouldn't have stopped me
Coco: That's true. I forgot who I'm dealing with. But, still, R, you deserve so much better than what you've gotten and what you're getting. Cousin, I love you, and I want you to be happy. Yes, I go through my thing with "Carlton", but, at least I can say that he takes care of me and my kids, and he's there for me when I need him
Me: I hadn't really needed Allen
Coco: And after this shit, do you think he'd be there for you if you did? I can't believe he broke up with you by TEXT, and using the excuse of a Facebook post. What an asshole. Cousin, you know it's more than that, huh? I hope you're not so gullible that you think that post was the real reason?
Me: Yeah, I know that was just an excuse. He's been looking for a reason for a while, but I always block his excuses
Coco: He'll find something else. Trust. You think Jackie and Barbara are coincidence? He'll probably play the "good boyfriend" role for a hot second, but he'll find another excuse to break up with you again. Watch and see. I hate to say this to you, but you're my cousin, and I love you, so Imma keep it real with you
Me: I know, cousin. I love you, too, and thank you. I just hadn't felt this way about a man to this degree
Coco: And God knows I can't wait until one that will appreciate you comes along so your feelings won't be in vain. Shit, I gotta get off this phone with you. (laughing) You done gave me a headache. Let me know when you make it home, ok? Be Careful
Me: (laughing again) Okay, girl. I will
As much as I hated to admit it, everything Coco said was right. What would I be losing with him? I tried to think of exactly that. Other than the things she'd said, that he didn't even do anymore, nothing. I was blank. I felt stupid because I couldn't even put up an arguement with her about it. I called Eric back to let him know what had happened in Nebraska. He called it all "bullshit", and said I needed to dump Allen and move on with my life. I got the whole lecture, again, about how I'm better than that, how I deserve better than that, how I won't give these other guys a chance but I'm running behind a loser, and more talk about how big of an asshole Allen is. Deep in the back of my mind, I knew they were all right, but this battle between my head and heart was waging in a furious war. Wonder which one will win.
I made it home just in time to drive straight to my job and get back on the clock. I hadn't slept, hadn't showered, hadn't eaten, nothing. At the time it was worth it to sacrifice those things to have my Allen back, even if it was just part of him. The Valentine's Day countdown was on, and I was determined to make this right.
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