I need to mention that the day after Allen and I broke up, my company had called to let me know there was an opening at one of the stores in Omaha. Perfect timing. I told them that the transfer was no longer needed, and they advised me if the situation changed to just let them know. I would.
Days after my return from Nebraska at Allen's niece's baptism, things were getting just a little better for me. I'd stopped looking at my cell phone every 2 minutes, was enjoying spending time with Lawrence (I think I was starting to wear him out a little), and even though thoughts of Allen were frequent, I wasn't moping anymore. I still wondered what he was doing, how he was doing, and what was going on in his life. Eric, in all good intentions, had taken the liberty to let me know that, as I'd predicted, the vultures did come out on Allen's page. I'm guessing the intent was to intimidate me, and I'm guessing they were too stupid to realize I wouldn't be seeing them, because when they did realize I wasn't on his friend's list any longer, the posts and comments stopped (according to Eric). To my surprise, though, nobody had commented on his "single" status change. Eric said that one of his friends did check "like", but that was the extent of it. Hm. Maybe some of his friends actually did really like me. Oh well. None of my concern any longer.
Then my world took a tragic turn. My mother had an aneurysm, and emergency surgery was needed. To say I was frantic is mild. I rushed to Texas, driving as a total wreck. My first instinct was to call Allen. I knew he'd be at work, but maybe he'd call me back during his break. He and my mother got along really well, she adored him, and had re-added him to her Facebook page (after I got scolded for deleting him). My message on his voicemail was probably more inaudible than coherent, but he did respond with a text letting me know that he'd say a prayer for her and for me to be careful driving. I was a total mess, and of all the people for me to reach out to for comfort, Allen was the one I wanted. I needed him at that moment. Needed him more then than I'd probably ever need him in my life. Thankfully, my mother made it through the surgery and, though in critical condition, was given the green light on living. Allen text a few times that week to check on her status, but I needed more than just texts. I needed to hear his voice. I wanted that assurance and assuage that he had the power to give me. I didn't tell him that, but I'd hoped that when I'd asked him to call me, he'd get the hint and call. He never did. When I finally realized that I wouldn't be hearing his voice, the words that my cousin Coco had said flooded my head "Do you really think he'd be there for you if you did need him?" God, that stung. Why was everyone else always right about my life? When will the time come where a man will prove ME right, and everyone else wrong? I tried to look from the perspective that Allen was having a hard time at that time because it was around the time of his son's birthday. I could completely understand that. He refused to let me be there for him. That's on him. But now I needed him, and times like these don't happen very often to me, when I actually need someone. I'd tried my hardest during that relationship to brighten his life. He had the freedom to talk to me about anything and everything that he wanted, to completely open up to me about his son, his feelings, anything. He chose not to. Told me he wanted to deal with it on his own. I'm the exact opposite. I want someone that will let me open up to them, comfort me when I'm hurting, just BE there for me, to listen, to empathize. Wally, Daniel, Lawrence, my play-brother "Richard", a friend "Leroy", and various other friends came up to bat for me, but I wanted Allen. I needed Allen. When it finally sunk in that I wasn't going to get the response that I wanted out of him, my heart finally started to agree with my head, that it was "time to let him go".
My mother spent a little over a month in the hospital, touch-and-go several times, before they released her. I had spent that time realizing that life is too short to waste on little things. Enjoy it. Live it. If it throws lemons at you, fuck the lemonade, make lemon pie. For a time after that, I hated Allen. I cursed the day I met him, hated him for doing me like he did, hated him for not being there when I needed him, was pissed at myself for falling so strongly for him. I'd never gotten to a point so bad where I'd actually hated a man before, but I did. I hated him because I loved him, and obviously, I had never really loved before. This was something that I knew only time and God could heal. No other man would be able to walk into my life and fix this.
Three months passed. I was still hurting over Allen, but it was bearable, and not like daggers anymore. I was doing everything I could to get my head and heart back together, and had sworn off dating indefinitely. I'd had guys ask me out, but the very thought made me wretch, so I knew I wasn't ready. I hadn't reactivated my profile on any dating sites, and was content just sticking close to friends.
One night while I was at work, damned near in tears listening to Kelley Clarkson's song "Already Gone" (irony..probably Allen's thoughts through Kelley's words) on the muzak (I never understood why the most depressing and heartbreaking songs play when you least need to hear them, damn!), "Ron" walked in.
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