I figured that it was time to take the plunge of moving closer to him, which meant getting a transfer with my job to the closest location to him. I'd spoken with my family about it (I'd be moving further from them), and they were for it, as long as that was what made me happy. When I proposed my moving to Allen, he told me that he it would be nice to have me closer, but he didn't want me to move because of him, if I moved, he wanted me to be doing it because it was something that I wanted to do. It was. I wanted to move because I was happy with him, and would be even happier being able to see him more that twice a month. Maybe our relationship would stand a fighting chance and the distance wouldn't be a factor any longer. I immediately contacted the powers-that-be in my company to request a transfer to Omaha or Lincoln (they're about the same distance from his town), and they stated they would communicate with me which city had openings and when my transfer was approved.
The week before Valentine's Day, my emotions were in overdrive. In just a few short days, I'd be in his arms, and that was all that mattered. Four days before V-Day, he'd advised me that the school his son used to attend was having wrestling championships (his son was into multiple sports) in Omaha that he and his daughter were attending. Inspite of wanting to share that with him, I didn't say anything about going up there to go with them, because I was yet giving him his space to mourn. I did tell him that I wanted to come up the day before to spend time with him before they went, and at first he was okay with it, then suddenly, he wasn't okay with it, and began using the excuse of having to work that night. Okay, you work every night, so what makes the night in question any different? I didn't argue with him on it, but I was highly disappointed in his change of mood. His sister-in-law had had her baby, and I wanted to see them, too, but it wouldn't be the same if I wasn't going to be able to spend time with Allen while I was there. I set my mind that I was going anyway, and because I'd established a bond with his family, if he didn't want to spend time with me, that was fine, his new niece would be perfect. I wasn't expecting Mother Nature to rear her ugly head at just that moment, and she took a toll on my body far worse than she had in a long time. I wound up cancelling my trip plans, prayed she'd be gone before V-Day, and continued to look forward to our first "romantic" holiday together. I'd always hated cupid, and had put a bounty out on his head, so this year, I was hoping to bid him a pardon and let him live.
The day before Valentine's Day, I was super stoked. I'd gotten off of work, and was preparing to hit the highway. I damned sure wasn't expecting things to take a nose dive like they did.
Allen: Uhm, R, about tomorrow. Look, I'm not in the best of moods right now. I'm depressed because I miss my son, and I don't think it would be a good idea for you to come up here with the way I'm feeling. You wouldn't enjoy yourself
Me: (long silence): Okay. Uhm, we've been planning this for a little while now. Maybe if I come that will change your mood. We can celebrate you winning the gym contest, and things will be better if I'm there
Allen: No, R. I just really don't think you should come. You can come if you want to, but like I said, I'm not in the mood, so I'd hate for you to make the trip for nothing
I knew what that meant. I could come if I wanted to, but since he "wasn't in the mood", that meant my odds of seeing him would be slim to none, and it would be a wasted trip. Now what the fuck am I gonna do? I'd gone and spent all that damned money on toys and lingerie and body oils...everything that I'd never done before...and here he is cancelling the "lover's holiday" on me. Not to mention, I'd
On Valentine's Day, I was lamenting on Facebook. Minding what I wrote on there, I didn't say anything that could be misinterpreted (I'd had Wally read it to make sure), and commented on a few of my friend's status' that were spending the day solo as well. One particular friend, "Rich", had mentioned feeling the same way about cupid that I did. I'd met Rich on a dating site a year prior. He was an attractive guy, so I viewed his profile. The honesty and forwardness of his profile is what lead us to being friends. He stated that he'd contracted an uncurable STD a few years prior, and he didn't want to waste his time nor any woman's time by not letting it be known from the beginning. Any woman that couldn't deal with that, he understood, and there would be no hard feelings. I was moved by that and sent him a message letting him know that I felt for his situation, was sorry to hear about it, and I'd like to be his friend just because of his straightforwardness. He responded graciously, and we became Facebook friends. We'd never met in person, but we communicated through each other's status'. When he saw my comment on his status, he inboxed me asking me about going to spend the day with my boyfriend (one of my previous status' mentioned that). I told him about plans falling through, he felt bad for me, and invited me to karaoke that night at a bar. Shit, I had nothing else to do, so of course I took him up on it. I felt like I might have been a third wheel, because he'd be meeting a girl that he was interested in, but he assured me that he'd prefer me be there anyway, just in case she didn't work out.
All I got for Valentine's Day from Allen was a "Happy Valentine's Day" text. What the fuck?! No card? No nothing? A simple fucking text??? FUCK HIM was all I could think, even though my heart was broken. I was determined to make the best of the day, so I went to the karaoke bar looking as cute as I could, considering my mood. Rich and I had a fantastic time, although Rich told me later on that the more I drank, the more I talked about Allen. The girl he was supposed to meet didn't show, but we wound up having fun with some other friends of his that were regulars at the bar. He even bought me a rose telling me "no beautiful woman should be without a beautiful flower on this day". A fucking stranger had more regard for me on this day than my own damned boyfriend did. This is a problem. It took that instance for me to realize that it was time for me to start emotionally distancing myself from Allen. I posted on Facebook that next morning how much I enjoyed my Valentine's Day drinking and doing karaoke. Rich commented about how well I did singing, and one of Allen's brothers posted a funny comment pertaining to that. I hadn't heard anything from Allen since his "happy Valentine's Day" text.
I called him later that day, and asked what he'd done. He said he spent the night at the bar with his ex-wife and some friends. Okay, yeah, sure. I was buying that shit. First of all, if you were with your ex-wife, you were so fucking depressed that you could spend the day with a woman you can't stand, and if you were THAT damned depressed, how were you out with friends? Something told me that there was another female in on that, and I had my guesses as to who it was. But I had no way of knowing for sure, so I didn't even tread those waters. Needless to say, though, communication between Allen and I was super strained for that week. Not on my part, but on his.
That following week, I sent my usual text one morning to Allen wishing him a happy day. He sent back a "thank you, R", but what threw me was his change of wording. Keep in mind, Allen called me his Platinum Princess, or some other term of endearment. When he replied to that text, he simply called me "R". Yep, his routine has changed. This relationship is over. My head was resounding that notion, but my stupid heart was still trying to put up a fight on it. That shit pissed me off. When I text to ask why the change of wording, he simply replied that it's a sign of respect. BULLSHIT. And I call it a million times over. I was outdone. I didn't text him anymore that day, and tried to see how long it would be before he contacted me of his own accord. I waited, and waited. Days passed. A few days later I sent him a text about a comment one of his co-worker's wives had posted on my status (I'd met them, and we were Facebook friends). No response. More days passed. Nothing. My next off day, I raced home to change clothes and head to Nebraska. He wasn't going to pull this shit on me AGAIN. I text him that morning to ask if he was okay. Surprisingly, he responded "no". Ah, at least he's responding now. Then he sent a text saying "we need to talk". Yes we did, and I told him as such. I'm sure he had an idea that I was coming up there, if he hadn't picked up on what I was capable of, then he was never paying attention to me.
When I arrived that evening, I drove to his job at the pizza place. He was there, but didn't seem surprised to see me. He did guess that I might show up. Between his deliveries, we were able to talk.
Me: It seems that you've completely distanced yourself from me. Do you realize it's been 50 days since we've had sex? 50 days! Do you know how my hormones are flipping out right now?
Allen: Yeah, R. I'm just going through too much right now. It's not you, it's me. I questioned if I'm ready for a relationship, and I don't think I am. I don't know if I ever will be. That's why I'm hesitant to call a woman my girlfriend because everything will be going fine for a few months, and then I just pull away
Me: Yeah, you've definitely done that with me. Look, I can't keep walking on eggshells, having Wally police my Facebook posts and stuff. I've tried to give you space, yet it seems the more space I give you, the more you take. I can't keep doing this. I seem to be the only one you're distancing from, cause I know it's not everyone else, it's just me
Allen: I know. You're right. R, I've got too much on my plate. Working 3 jobs, dealing with my son's death, and I'm just not ready to give up my freedom, and I can't be everything that you want me to be
Me: What? Have I ever asked you to give up any freedom for me? Huh? Have I ever asked you to give up ANYTHING for me?
Allen: No, but I'm just not ready to be in a relationship. Look, I have to do what's best for me
Me: We all do. Look, everything that I've told you that you are, every positive adjective I've used to describe you, I said because I meant it. That's who you are. You just need to realize it for yourself. Do you want to change the Facebook status, or wait for me to do it?
Allen: I'll wait and let you do it first
I could've sworn I saw a tear in his eye, but maybe that was just my imagination because that's what I wanted to see. Some emotion about me. I'd told him that I was heading to Omaha to look for a place to live (I was..just waiting for the finality of transfer from my company), but I guessed there would be no need for that now. He asked for a hug, I gave him one. That was the first time he'd hugged me like he was sincere about it in a long time. I left Nebraska. Broken. Depressed. Angry.
Now, I needed something to pick me up.
Lawrence: Hello?
Me: Hey, you. How's it going?
Lawrence: (hestitation) I'm fine. Uhm, who is this?
Me: Dang, you don't hear from me for a while, and now you don't know who I am? Wow. This is R
Lawrence: Oh, hey, girl! I didn't think I'd ever hear from you again. I thought you'd be married by now or some shit (laughs)
Me: (laughing) No. You're not married, though, huh?
Lawrence: Nope. What's up?
Me: Ah, just wondering if you may want to hang out for a bit tonight
Lawrence: Hell, yeah. You coming over?
Me: I'm on my way back into town. Had to go out of state to handle some business, but I can come right over as soon as I'm in
Lawrence: Shit, come on. I'll be here
I may have been in a 50 day drought, but i wasn't going 51 days. Fuck Allen, fuck that whole "relationship", fuck it all. One thing is I could always depend on Lawrence to put me in a good mood, even if it was only temporarily. Everything that I'd bought in anticipation of Valentine's Day wasn't going to waste.
I still had to deal with the matter of getting past Allen. I'd deal with that the next day.
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