Saturday, January 28, 2012

Even Though I Try...I Can't Let Go...

I really needed to release Allen. My head came to that conclusion before we'd even broken up, but my heart continued to linger. Why, heart? Why? At one point, I thought my heart and head were in agreement, but as I contemplated Ron's words, and thought through what I could possibly be missing out on as a result of hanging on to the past, I could no longer deny that I hadn't made much progress at all in moving forward. Maybe if Allen said something totally cruel to me, maybe then I can think of him as the worst fucking scum of the earth, and that may help me. I don't know why I'm weird like that. He'd proven to me that he didn't want anything to do with me, aside from the one text he'd initiated just to say "hi, R, I hope you are well", I hadn't heard from him in several months. His actions were already screaming the obvious, but my "denialist" blinders were on, and I wouldn't let myself adhere to his actions. All of my other methods of attempting to forget about him had failed, so, anything else was worth a try.

"Hi, Allen. I hope all is well with you. Look, I need a favor. I need you to text me back these exact words 'R, we are over. We will never be again, and you need to move on with your life. I wish you the best. Take Care.' Can you do that please?"

"Hi, R! Deja-vu. I was just thinking that I needed to text you this weekend and let you know that I'm seeing someone. Neither of us was looking for anything, but we just clicked and it just happened."

What in the HELL??!! He's SEEING someone? Less than 4 months prior he'd just told me he wasn't ready and didn't know if he'd ever be ready for a relationship, was dealing with too much stuff on his plate with work and his son's death, didn't want to give up his freedom, and suddenly he's seeing someone? Mother Fuck. Son of a bitch.

"LOL. Ok then I guess it won't be too hard for you to text me those words then, huh?"

No response.

"Look, Allen, the reason I'm asking you to text me those words is because I'm seeing someone too. Like you, he and I met and clicked. He wants more with me, but my heart is yet holding on to you and it's not fair to him nor me. Those words will help me to let go"

Nothing. Okay, so, he doesn't want me, but he can't do me the favor of doing what I ask him to do to help me to move on like he apparently did long ago? Selfish fucker. Just when I was about to say fuck it all...

"R, we are over, and will never be again. You need to move on with your life. I wish you nothing but the best. Please take care"

So, he has heart. I scrolled back through my text that I'd sent to him and noticed that he'd added a few words of his own. Nowhere did I ask him to wish me "nothing but" the best and to "please" take care. My text was solid and direct. So why was he toying with me adding the extras? Yeah, anything to make me linger on thinking he's a "good guy", but he's not. He's a selfish, lying, cheating asshole that didn't deserve to let my name roll off of his lips. That's what I had to think to let the fact sink in that he actually text me back those words.

"Thank you. I wish you all of the best as well"

Now, maybe with the words from his phone telling me that we'd never be, my heart would finally grab that, and I could concentrate on figuring the situation with Ron. Maybe with this out of the way, I could see Ron more clearly, and maybe drop my guard a bit to where I won't scrutinize him and put everything under a microscope. That's strange, though, because usually when I find a man that I'm really into, the past seems to suddenly disappear, and I have no problems moving on. So what makes this time so different? Maybe Ron really just wasn't doing it for me.

A few more months passed, and things were going along as usual with Ron and me. But, things would soon change, and I'd have my confirmation as to why I wasn't into Ron like he wanted me to be, and like I could have been.

One night, he had a paper for school due and was at my house sprawled across my bed typing it out on his laptop. I'd cooked dinner, eaten, had gotten comfortable, and was just about dozing off when Ron awoke me and told me his laptop wasn't picking up wi-fi and he needed to connect his computer to my desktop to submit his paper. No problem. He had no idea what he was doing. When I walked in the livingroom, he was unplugging the keyboard, the mouse, changing wires around, and damn near knocked the screen off the desk.

Me: Do you know what you're doing?
Ron: (ducking behind the desk messing with something) Not really, but I figured I'd try to move this wire and that wire and maybe my laptop will connect
Me: Ron, don't mess up my computer if you don't know what you're doing. I didn't know you could connect computers like that anyway
Ron: I don't know either, but I've got 10 minutes before my paper is due by midnight and anything is worth a try

He continued fiddling with wires, and at one point, my computer made a funny noise.

Me: Ron, look, instead of going through all of that, there's a Starbucks 3 minutes away. You can drive up there real quick and pick up their wi-fi
Ron: Shit. I won't have time
Me: Well, if you keep going about it like this you won't have time doing it this way, either. Starbucks is right there, go now
Ron: (getting irritated) How am I supposed to do that? I have 5 minutes
Me: (getting equally as irritated) Well if you'd hurry up, you'll make it! Plus, you're probably messing up my computer, and are you going to buy me a new one?
Ron: (getting up, frustrated) Whatever, R. I'll be back

He'd hit a spot that didn't need to be hit that night. How dare he get mad at me when he was about to tear up my computer not knowing what the hell he was doing. He slammed my door as he was leaving, and I heard him burn rubber out of the parkinglot. I was a bit peaved, but went and got back in my bed. All three dogs had sensed some discord, because they were all standing in the hallway looking at me like "what's going on?"

About an hour later, after I'd dozed back off, my phone rang. I was barely coherent enough to look and see that it was Ron calling.

Me: Hullo?
Ron: I ran out of gas
Me: (more alert now) What?
Ron: (louder) I RAN OUT OF GAS
Me: Where are you?
Ron: In the parkinglot behind Walmart
Me: What are you doing there? Starbucks is on the other side
Ron: I know. I decided to try a different way, though
Me: Well, did you at least get your paper submitted
Ron: No. But are you going to come get me?
Me: Yeah. I've gotta throw on some clothes and I'll be right there
Ron: Okay. I'm in the office complex behind Walmart

Of all the stupid things. At this point, I realized something was very wrong with him. Starbucks was, at most, a 3 minute drive from my apartment, and instead of him just going right there, he detoured for only God knows what. He'd been gone for over an hour, so what was he doing? Strange. I got dressed and went to where he told me. When I got there, he was visibly upset, understandable, and told me he left his gas can in his garage, so we needed to go to Walmart to get a gas can. Ok, now. There was a gas station that was maybe a 7 minute walk from where he was that was open 24 hours, and he waited for me to get there to drive to Walmart to get a gas can? It was summer, so it's not like he'd have frozen, and it's a decent neighborhood, so he didn't have to worry about mugging. So why did he wait all that time when he could have already resolved the whole issue and been back at my apartment? Why did he feel the need to bother me while I was sleep? Oh, I forgot, there's some recap I need to do before I continue...

***Not too overly long after we'd started "dating", Ron informed me that he was bi-polar. I'd never really dealt with anyone that has that illness (I've got a brother that was diagnosed, and a sister with the symptoms, but they're much younger than me, and I hadn't lived with them since they've been older to know how it affects them), but I'd heard that as long as bi-polar people took their meds, they were okay. As far as I'd known, Ron stayed medicated, because we'd never experienced any issues. That did explain his being awake seeminly 24-7 when we first met...the doctor had changed his meds, and his body hadn't gotten used to them, so he was in a "manic up" at that point. Over time, though, he'd started adjusting to it. I'll also mention that he receives an SSI check because of his illness. He paid for our outing the first couple of times we went out, but once his debit card started being declined, it seemed to never recover. He hadn't worked in construction or carpentry in a few months, so the SSI was his only income once a month. Let me clarify, I don't have an issue paying for outings, especially if a guy has been paying all along, but to have it forced on me, and consecutively thereafter wasn't cool. One time, we went to eat, he ordered one of the most expensive things on the menu, and then didn't have any money. I paid for my food, and told the waitress that he would be taking care of his own. I'd had enough of that happening so frequently, so it didn't phase me one bit to just pay for mine and leave him to fend for himself...however he had to. He'd moved in with his parents (that's why he was always at my place), so he didn't have any real bills, child support was taken out of his SSI before-hand, so what he was doing with the $1300 he received every month was beyond me. Plus, he'd made the mistake of telling me that he has a savings account in Missouri that his mom had withdrawn a very large sum of money from for him a few days before the day (when she was there visiting) he ran out of gas. All I know is I wasn't going to keep putting up with it.***

Now, to continue....

Me: How long have you been out here?
Ron: Maybe about 15 minutes before I called you
Me: Why didn't you just walk over to the gas station, get a gas can and get some gas?
Ron: I don't have any money
Me: (upset) Ron, what happened to that cashier's check your mom gave you the other day?
Ron: I haven't cashed it
Me: Why not? I thought you were doing that earlier today?
Ron: (getting upset) I forgot. I forgot to go before I went to the softball game, and my bank was closed by time I was done
Me: You could've gone to a check cashing place
Ron: Look, I'll give you back the money for the can and the gas tomorrow, ok? I'll give you back all of the money you've spent since we've known each other. Are you gonna do this for me or what?

I didn't say another word. I was pissed by that time. You damned right you're gonna pay me back. I had seen the cashier's check and how much it was, and the fact that it was made out to him, so I was getting my money back. I drove to Walmart, where we walked in silence. He made a beeline for the gas cans, I stopped and tinkered with a few things along the way. When we got to the checkout, there was 2 registers open with probably 15 people in each line. Anyone who's ever been to Walmart at night knows what I'm talking about. I picked up a tabloid and started reading while he was moving with the line. I expected that he'd tell me when he got the register because I wasn't paying attention. I was mad, and didn't want to be close to him. Next thing I knew, I looked up, and the person that was in line behind Ron was at the register. I looked around, didn't see him. I put the book down, walked to the front, no sign of Ron. I walked towards the exit wondering how he managed to pay for the gas can. Still didn't see him. I walked out to see if he was at my car. Nowhere to be found. I went back inside, tried calling his cell. Voicemail. I asked the greeter if she'd seen him. No luck. Where the fuck is this man? I know he didn't walk back to his van. I went back to the checkout, walked around a bit, walked back to the front, stood there for a minute, tried calling his phone again. Finally I see his ass walking from the hardware direction towards the store exit on his phone. No gas can in his hand. I ran to catch up with him calling his name. He acted like he didn't hear me. When I caught up with him, he was getting off the phone with who he was talking to.

 Me: (aggitated) Where were you? Where's the gas can?
Ron: (mad) Forget it, R. My sister is on her way to get me
(they lived about 45 minutes from where we were)
Me: What? What are you talking about? Why is she coming to get you?
Ron: You didn't want to help me, so I called my sister
Me: What? Why did you get out of line?
Ron: You knew I was at the register and you just stood there reading that magazine. You obviously didn't want to help me, so fuck it. Don't worry about it. Just take me back to my van
(we were in the parkinglot heading towards my car)
Me: (very upset) Ron, no I didn't know that. I was reading. Why didn't you call my name? You know I zone out when I'm reading something good. I wasn't paying attention to the line
Ron: Well, if it was that important to you, you would have been paying attention
Me: And if it was that important to you, you would have said my name. Me zoning out when I'm reading is nothing new to you. Did you take your meds?
Ron: (voice octives higher) You know what, R? Fuck it. I'll just walk back to my van. I'll pay you everything you've spent tomorrow, and you don't have to worry about me anymore
(mind you, I don't like to argue in public, but he had me seriously pissed by that time. My voice got several octives higher. His reaction let me know he wasn't medicated)
Me: Oh, that's real mature. Fine. You want to act like that, that's on you
(he'd started towards the direction of the office buildings where his van was. I got in my ride, and followed him)
Me: (riding along side him with my window down) You're being very immature right now
Ron: (looking straight ahead and mad) Oh, well. I'll just be immature then. You've been acting like this for a while now, so I get the hint. Bye
Me: (what the fuck?) Acting like what?
Ron: Like you don't care about anything. Something else always has your attention
Me: Whatever. That's not true, and you know it. I can't believe you're acting like this. You haven't taken your meds have you?
Ron: What's it to you?
Me: That explains it, then. You haven't. Look, I can't believe you woke your sister up in the middle of the night cause you're throwing a tantrum about a gas can
Ron: She was already woke, and it doesn't matter. My sister loves me and will help me anytime I need her to. Unlike you
Me: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
[I don't curse in everyday talk...seriously. On here, I'm putting all of my thoughts down, so the expletives (outside of the direct conversations) are a part of my thoughts and what I'm thinking in correlation to what's transpiring, not language I actually use. That moment, I did say it, though]
Ron: (smirking) R, I know you've still got a thing for Allen and that's why you won't take things further with me
Me: Whoa! Wait a minute! Where is this coming from? What are you talking about?
Ron: (laughing) It's only obvious. That's okay, though. I hope he calls wanting to get back with you so you can be happy
Me: (damn) Hold up! This has NOTHING to do with Allen. This is about what YOU'RE doing!
Ron: (yelling) This has everything to do with him! You won't be my girlfriend, you won't make out with me anymore, you barely even want to hang out with me anymore, so I know he's the reason why
Me: That is SO not true! You've been at my house almost everyday for the past few months, so what you're talking about is bogus and not making any sense
Ron: Yeah, right. Anyway, just go back home, get back in your bed. I'm sorry to have bothered you. My sister's on her way. I'll cash the check tomorrow and bring you some money and get my dog
(still riding along side of him. He's walking pretty fast though, and half way to the van)
Me: Ron! You have alot of nerve to blame me for the way you're acting! You are being extremely childish! Seriously! I was going to pay for the gas can and put gas in your van. You said you'd pay me tomorrow, so fine. Won't you just call your sister back to keep her from coming all the way out here at this time of morning?
Ron: No. She's coming
(we'd made it back to his van by that time)

I'd gotten out of my ride, and we continued arguing for a while. I could have just said "fuck it" and left him waiting there for his sister, but, since she and I were on good terms, I didn't want her to think that I'm the reason why she had to make that trip. I wanted to let her know that this was completely on her insane brother, so I waited there with him for her to arrive. When she got there, I'd gotten back in my car and was sitting there with the motor running. I told her I was sorry that she had to come all the way to my side of town for this reason, but Ron refused to let me help. I think she already knew because she told me it was ok, and asked Ron if he'd taken his meds. This was my first experience dealing with the unmedicated side of him. I left thinking that once he came and got his dog, I was done with him.

He called several times that night. I couldn't go back to sleep, I was too furious, so I didn't answer. After about the 5th time of him calling, he left a voicemail apologizing for his actions and attitude. He admitted that he hadn't taken his meds and it was all his fault. A bit too late for that. When I finally called him back, he asked if he could come over. I'd had enough of him for that night, and wasn't trying to see him, so I told him that Fox was alright, and everything could wait until daytime. He told me he would make it up to me, to which, just as pacification, I told him that would be fine. He cashed the check later that day, and came to get his dog.

The next day, he called telling me his sister had convinced him to check into the hospital for help. Okay, this was new to me. His family had done an intervention, because obviously the new meds weren't working, he wasn't taking them like he was supposed to, a combination of the two, and he was back to his "manic" phase again. This wasn't the first time. I found out he's been in and out of psych wards since he was 12. I felt bad for him, because his voluntary commital wound up becoming involuntary. He was only supposed to be in there a few days, but the doctor wouldn't discharge him and had him transferred to another specialty hospital. He was in there for a little over a month. I was a good friend and went to visit on a regular basis, and he was always so happy to see me and tell me about all the experimental drugs they were trying with him. I'm guessing they were trying to get a right combination to work.

When he was released, he tried to get back in my good graces, telling me that he had fallen in love with me because of my dedication to him during that hard time, and because I hadn't deserted him. Besides his family, one guy friend, and some people from his church, I was the only one that was going to see him, and standing by him. Although that made me feel good to hear that acknowledgement, I straightway told him that there was no future between us, so his efforts were futile. Although he's a great guy in alot of ways, and I'm sure he has plenty to offer the right woman, I couldn't see myself dealing with his manics, his rages, nor possibly having to commit him to hospitals for the rest of our lives. That's not how I want to live. He said he understood, and left it at that. He still texts and calls me on occasion, and we've hung out once or twice since then, but the chapter in that book has been closed. 

If only I could get Allen out of my head and heart as easily...

I decided to give the dating sites one more chance. After a couple of weeks on there, out of the blue, I received a message from "Will".



Friday, January 27, 2012

This Is Getting Weird

"Well I see your little pizza boy flaked on you just like I said he would. You ready to come back to me now?"

Mason. Damn. He'd been stalking my Facebook page again. I'm not even dignifying that with a response. Well, maybe I will.

"Hello, Mason. No Allen and I are not together anymore. Let me ask you something, though. Why are you hanging out around my Facebook page anyway? You deleted me obviously because you didn't care what was going on with me, so why do you care now?"

Maybe that would shut him up. I was wrong.

"I see you still have that sassy attitude. That's what attracted me to you in the beginning. I never said I didn't care. But I see you didn't answer my question, so that means you're thinking about it."

Wow. He's surely got a big ego and has alot of confidence in himself. Let me knock that down a few pegs.

"Ha ha. No, I didn't answer your question, and I thought that would be an obvious sign of avoiding it...not because I'm thinking about it, there's nothing to think about, but because it's a rhetorical question that doesn't deserve the dignification of my response. My silence towards you through this point should tell you everything. You didn't answer my question, either."

Silence. We'll see how long that lasts. I started to think that I was fascinated with his drama. It would be so easy to just block him, but yet, I hadn't. His brother and I yet communicate, but that has absolutely no bearings on anything having to do with him. He must've sensed my feel of control.

"Okay, I see you want to play games. That's okay. I see how it is. And don't think that I don't know that you and my brother are probably talking. He's probably trying to get with you, because why else would you be on his page. I see you want to keep it in the family. Couldn't get enough with just me I guess. I see how you are."

Whatever, Dude. Think what you want to think, I don't have time to keep wasting key strokes on you. Grow up and start acting like the 40 year old man that you are. I've got important things to do and think about like the fact that Allen had resurfaced in my thoughts. This is getting to be outrightly ridiculous, and suddenly Ron's proposition wasn't sounding so bad. As long as I was around him, Allen seldom crossed my mind. It was the alone times that frightened me. Thanks to Ron, though, I didn't see very much of that.

When they say "be careful what you wish for", I never took that as a literal meaning, because my wishes for a man that wanted to spend all of his free time with me manifested through Ron. The clause "a man that I want" should have been inserted. He did just as he said, and came to my job every night until I finally agreed to go out with him. I made it clear to him that although I wasn't opposed to possibly eventually establishing a relationship, I wasn't looking to get into one any time soon. He said he understood, but that wouldn't necessarily stop him from trying to pursue something more. Ron was looking for a wife. His angle was to be present and be the man in my life when the time came that I would want to take things to another level. Those were his words. He was determined to wear on me, and I must admit that the "little things" he would do for me were a good start.

It didn't take long for Ron and I to establish a groove. When I realized that he really wasn't going anywhere soon without my explicit words to "get lost", I decided to enjoy the ride. Don't think that Lawrence wasn't still in the picture, though.

Ron and Fox had become regular fixtures at my apartment. My girls even got to the point where they realized "this little yapper is always here...she spends the night, she's eating our food, drinking from our water dish. Damn, will she ever leave or will we just have to stay under to bed to avoid her?". At first they were very responsive to Fox and her playfulness, but eventually, I think they got tired of her, because my boxer started giving her the "whatever" blow off, and my pitt would run in the opposite direction when she'd see her coming. I almost felt bad for poor Fox, because when she would realize they didn't want to play with her, she'd jump in my bed and curl up under me with that sad little doggy disposition.

I have to admit, Ron did a good job of keeping me on the go, and keeping me from getting "bored". We would even attend church functions together. Although he was raised 7th Day Adventist, and I was raised Pentecostal, we had the same core beliefs, but that's where the similarities ended. When he began hinting that he wanted me to convert to his affiliation and stop wearing jewelry (not even the married people wear rings..imagine the difficulty in distinguishing the married from the singles), get my tatoos removed, stop eating pork, and transform to the belief that anyone who didn't observe Sabbath day was going to hell, I knew we we'd reached the extent of our association and it would never be more. I have 3 holes in each ear, a nose piercing, 6 tatoos, can appreciate a good porkchop anyday, and work on some Saturdays. I guess that means I'd be busting hell wide open. It wasn't an immediate pressure from him, but he'd said some offensive things about my religion that rubbed me the wrong way to the point where I told him "look, let's just keep our opinions to ourselves. I'm not converting, and I'm not trying to convert you. I respect you and yours, you respect me and mine, and we agree to disagree." He agreed, but he still insisted on being the man in my life for when I changed my mind. Oh, well. Whatever. He'd even gone so far as to ask me a few times if I'd be his girlfriend. I'd always laugh it off and tell him the timing wasn't right. The attempted persuasion continued.

The extent of our affection was limited to heavy make out sessions. We couldn't have penetration sex because "it's not right, we're not married, and we shouldn't be doing that" (his words) But, uhm, he wasn't opposed to everything oral. So in other words, we can lick and suck all day long, but we can't fuck? Hmm. Okay. No problem. I could respect that. There was never any worries, though, because what he refused to finish, my toys and/or Lawrence always would. I eventually got tired of Ron's method of affection, and put an end to the whole physicalness all together. No more of that. Too much of a tease, and honestly, the rewarding "package" wasn't much of a reward anyway..I just hate getting all roused up with no immediate satiation.

I had started getting pretty comfortable with Ron. I'd met alot of his friends (we'd all hang together, and go to the YMCA and workout sometimes), his family.....his family. I never bothered with the "I don't want to meet your kids..." conversation, because I didn't forsee a future with him to meet them, but his parents and siblings were a different story. I probably should have had that talk with him. Ron never told me that his father, "Jim", was racist. His mother and sister were accommodating from the beginning and we got along great (I even started hanging out with his sister on occasions), but his father just kind of stood back and watched me. One day, I was in the living room engrossed in a conversation with his mom, "Ethel", and his sister, "Beatrice", when his dad sauntered in, and sat on the couch opposite me. I smiled, spoke, he spoke back, but didn't say anything else for a long while. I should have known something when Ethel and Beatrice got rather quiet.

Jim: So, Young Lady. I hear you're a manager at XYZ store?
Me: Yes, Sir, I am
Jim: Mhm. Good company. Your dad's a preacher?
Me: (wondering where this is going) Yes, Sir. He is
Jim: (crossing his legs) I see. So, tell me a little about yourself and where you come from

I saw the vague exchange of looks between Ethel, Beatrice, and Ron, but I didn't think anything of it. Afterall, again, Ron never told me his father was racist. I answered his questions, and before I knew it, all of us were in conversation. That lasted for a little while before Ron was ready to go, and started urging me out of the house. When we left, I told him about noticing the strangeness, and that's when he smiled.

Ron: It's nothing
Me: Then what are you smiling about?
Ron: My dad likes you
Me: (baffled) Okay?
Ron: I didn't want to tell you before you met him, but after seeing how he is with you, you're in good
Me: Tell me what? What are you talking about?

Ron pulled into a park, turned the van off, adjusted in his seat, and looked at me with an earnest expression.

Ron: R, look, we need to have a serious conversation
Me: Look...yes we do. What the deuce is going on??
Ron: If I had told you before we went over there, I knew you wouldn't have gone
Me: Man, you're starting to piss me off. What?
Ron: My dad's a racist

What the hell did he just say???? That took a moment to sink in.

Ron: I don't want you to worry about it though. My dad won't even talk to black people, so the looks you saw from me, my mom, and sister were that of surprise. He was in the military a long time ago and had a very bad experience with some black soldiers. He never let that go, and held it against all black people. But, obviously he sees a difference in you, just like I do
Me: Why didn't you tell me this? Ron, that was very not cool of you to spring on me like that
Ron: I know, and I'm sorry, but I wanted to see how things would go. He'd never said anything to you before, but my family loves you, and obviously my dad's coming around as far as you're concerned
Me: Wow. I really don't know what to say
Ron: Good. Well, that's not all
Me: There's more?
Ron: (laughing) Yeah. Look, I know we haven't know each other that long, but it's been long enough for me to know that I want more with you than what we've got. I want you. I'm over Bonnie, if that's what you're thinking. There's no comparison with what I felt for her, and what I feel for you. You give me a reason to smile every time I see your face, and hear your voice. You're a great woman. (laughs) Why do you think I'm always bugging you? When I look at you, all I see is God's beauty, and mine and my children's future.

Another speechless moment. Clearly this man was willing to do whatever it took to be with me, yet I kept him at arms length. Or maybe there was more to it than I was willing to admit. My heart was still with Allen. My head started hurting. I was dizzy. I didn't respond for a long while. When I did, I told him to give me time to think about it, because I didn't want either of us to make any rushed decisions. What he was asking me basically was for a life-long commitment, and I wasn't sure I wanted that with him. Or, maybe I was looking for reasons to push this man away, using the kids (already having 3 and wanting more), the lack of penile endowment, the religion, and now, the racist family as an excuse, when the real reason was that I was still holding onto hope that Allen would come around. Allen may have been majority of it, but, there was something else that didn't quite set right with me about Ron. He's a nice guy, he does and pretty much says all the right things, so what else could it be? Is it just my "super sensorship", or is something really amiss?

My "senses" were right, there was something more to it, and it wouldn't be long afterwards before I found out just what it was.










Wednesday, January 25, 2012

It's Never Too Soon

Needless to say, Ron was right about "surprising" me. Around midnight, Ron showed up at my job with a huge grin on his face as if we'd been friends forever. This was unexpected, but I tried to be as cordial as possible without deterring from my work at hand. He lingered around for the better part of half the night, before I finally convinced him that he needed to go home and get some sleep so he could be at max capacity mentally for whatever surprise he had for me later that morning. He was avid about taunting me pertaining to what it was. I was also wondering how the heck he could be awake a second night in a row with no sleep, because, according to him, he'd only taken a nap during the day.

Like clockwork, right as I was clocking out, my phone rang.

Ron: Good morning, gorgeous!
Me: (laughing) I don't know about all that, but good morning to you, too
Ron: Ah, don't be so modest. You're beautiful 365!
Me: Whatever you're trying to butter me up for, you can save the flattery. What's going on, and where are we meeting?

Just as I asked that question, I walked outside, and there he was, in the parkinglot holding the passenger's side door of his van open, with that huge grin, again. We hung up the phone, I walked over to his van, where Fox was jumping around in the passenger's seat waiting for me to acknowledge her. I greeted her in my little "doggy greeting" way, and looked at him.

Me: Okay, Mister. What is this all about?
Ron: (grinning from ear to ear) Why don't you get in and find out?
Me: (looking at him suspiciously) Uhm, care to elaborate a bit more? I mean, really?
Ron: If I tell you, it will spoil the surprise
Me: Look, I appreciate you trying to be all top-secret and spontaneous and stuff, but we just met yesterday, and you just telling me to get in your van for a surprise without anymore info isn't necessarily something I'm warm on doing
Ron: Oh, okay. If I give you a hint, will you get in then?
Me: Maybe
Ron: It has to do with your version of a romantic breakfast
Me: That's not telling me much
Ron: R, look, you trusted me enough to ride with me yesterday, so can you have the same faith today? I mean, if push comes to shove, they've got you out here on video getting in my van, and video of me in your store, and your employee can describe me. Feeling safe enough yet?

I eyed him suspiciously for a second, then picked Fox up, and got in the van. He closed the door and ran to the driver's side and got in. I really had no idea what to expect, here I am, leaving my vehicle at my job, and riding to God only knows where with this man that I'd just met the previous day, who says he has a romantic surprise for me. As we rode, the smile never left his face, and he just kept saying over and over how much I'd like his surprise. I wasn't so sure, but what choice did I really have at that point. I tried to pay attention to every turn we made, and every street we went down just in case I had to call someone to come and get me. When we finally turned into a residential neighborhood, I told him I immediately needed to know what was going on, otherwise he could stop and let me out right then. He told me to relax, and just know that it's definitely a good surprise. Good for who? I hoped this man didn't think he was going to get "lucky" with me or anything.

He finally turned into a driveway, at what I assumed to be his house. When he turned the van off, I hesitated and asked if that was his house, which he confirmed, then hopped out and ran over to my side to open my door.

Me: Ron, look, I don't make it a habit of going to people's houses like this. I really wish you'd tell me what's going on before I get out
Ron: (sighs) Okay, yesterday you mentioned that one of your ideas of romantic is a man that surprises you by cooking breakfast and you waking up to it. Well, I don't figure you'd be spending the night anytime soon, so my next best idea was to surprise you with cooked breakfast when you're getting off of work
Me: (shocked) You cooked breakfast for me?
Ron: (proud) I'm cooking breakfast for you. Steaks are already on the pit, and I'll start on the omelettes as soon as we get inside

I was at a total loss for words. This had never happened to me before. This man had known me for all of a day, and he's already trying to do something "romantic" for me? I can't really use the term that I was "pleasantly" surprised, because I wasn't sure I even liked him. I mean, he seemed like a decent person, and from what little time we'd spent together, I liked what I knew of him, but I wasn't sure about the whole "romantic" thing. I asked him if he thought it might be a bit soon for him to be doing things like that, and he replied that it's never to soon for a man to woo a woman that he's interested in. I'm guessing he drew the conclusion of being interested in me far sooner than I'd even thought of him.

Okay, he'd just mentioned having a fight with a female friend the other day, and not only was I clueless about what they fought so bad about that it kept him awake all that night, but what's his current M.O.? Again, I had nothing to lose by raising these questions to him. He told me we'd discuss it while we're eating.
I walked into a house that smelled so delicious. I couldn't put my finger on what it was, but something smelled like fresh baked something.

Me: Gosh, it smells good in here
Ron: (there's that damned smile again) You like? Fresh baked cinnamon rolls came out of the oven right before I came to get you
Me: How were you even sure I'd have gone along with all of this? What if I'd refused to have come with you?
Ron: Something told me that you would. I didn't have a back-up plan for if you didn't. But, hey, I'm a gambling man, and I'd put my money on it that you would
Me: Oh, so I'm that easy to figure out now, huh? I see I've got some things to change about myself
Ron: (laughing) No! That's not what I'm saying. Let me rephrase. Yesterday we had such a good time that I knew I wanted to get to know you better. I kinda got the feeling that you might be interested in doing the same, so, don't get me wrong, I'm glad you decided to take me up on this, but, I got the vibe that you would
Me: So, in other words you're saying that yesterday I gave you the feeling that I might be interested in you enough to go along with this?
Ron: Well, R, like I said, I'm a gambling man, and even if you weren't, just the little time we spent together yesterday let me know all I needed to know about you to know that I wanted more of you

He shut me up with that statement. Speechless is rarely a state you'll find me in. Not many things have the power to render me that way, but this was something that did. Observing from his actions and his words, this man was going to do what it took to draw me in, and I had to admit, it just might work. I sat at the kitchen table, where he lit a small single candle, he went out to get the steaks off the pit, came back in, fried up some omelettes, garnished the plates with fresh fruit, and served me one of the best "romantic" breakfasts I'd never had. A very impressive move was when he told me that we had to bless our food before we ate. THAT got my attention in a major way. I'm big on saying grace, and am used to being the one that always mentions it. Thank goodness I've never had a guy not go along with it. Hmm. Maybe....

As we ate, he clarified the situation with the friend, "Bonnie", that he'd had the argument with. He told me they'd met at church when he'd first moved to Oklahoma and briefly dated, but she didn't want any children, and being that he already has 3 and wants more, they determined that it was best to part as friends. They'd remained close over the years, but the argument happened because of a guy she'd started seeing that found out about their relationship-turned-friendship. Ron was accustomed to housesitting for Bonnie when she'd go out of town (she has 2 dogs), so he had his own key to her house. The guy that she was seeing wasn't happy about Ron having access to her house like that, so, she'd asked him for her key back, telling him she'd only leave it as a spare for him, but he couldn't keep it on him any longer. Here we go with this "close friend" bullshit. It sounded like all too familiar of a situation from me dealing with Allen and Jackie, but the difference being that Bonnie obviously respected her relationship enough to make her guy happy. I'd have never asked Allen to give up his "friendship" with Jackie (or any of them), just for them to respect me and our relationship. That was obviously too much. Anyway, Ron was having a hard time understanding why him having a key was such an issue. Perfect opportunity for two things in that matter: 1) for me to see that obviously there's still some feelings there for Bonnie for that to bother him so much, and 2) for me to explain to him how something like that can be viewed as a violation of privacy if the guy is ever there and Ron can just walk in anytime he wanted to. After some further talking, he did admit that he still cared for Bonnie, but knew it would never work because of the children thing, and eventually he understood what I explained to him. Great, now I know I don't want to let this go any further, because he's still got feelings for another woman. Nope. Never mind. Whatever "maybe...." that I was conjuring in my head got reeled back in. That would not end well. For me.

After we ate and he cleared the table, he invited me to stay and watch a few movies with him. I really needed to get back to my car so I could go home to check on my dogs and get some rest for work that night, but I agreed to watch one movie. I wound up dozing off on his couch before the movie even got started good. When I awoke, I was a bit delirious. I had no idea where I was, it was quiet, and I damn near freaked out. When I came to my right mind, I remembered where I was, and instantly jumped up looking for him. He'd turned off the TV, put some cover over me, and gone into the computer room to work on a paper for school. I thanked him for the hospitality, but told him that I really needed to get back to my car. He reluctantly took me back to my job where he asked when he could see me again. I told him that I'd let him know.

Not long before I arrived home, he called telling me that he'd like to do breakfast again. I laughed and told him that I would think about it, and let him know. Why on earth did this man show up at my job AGAIN that night? By that time, I was picking up a "stalker" vibe with him. I couldn't be mad about it, because that's something I identify with, but to be on the receiving end was a bit scary. Now I know how some of the guys I'd dealt with must have felt. Another night that he spent half of the night at my job. Damn, does he ever sleep? He told me that unless I agreed to go out with him, he'd keep showing up at my job until I did. Shit. Looks like I'm about to get my first experience with a restraining order. But, after the whole breakfast thing, I figured it probably couldn't hurt to see what Ron was all about. Obviously he was way more into me than I was him, but, it wouldn't hurt to let him convince me to be into him, either. Afterall, I'd always wanted a guy that pursued me more than I pursued him. The "maybe" started to creep back in.

They always say "be careful what you wish for"...that became my motto.

Monday, January 23, 2012

What I Really Meant To Say

A goateed version of Spencer Pratt. That was my first thought when I saw Ron. I never found Spencer to really be attractive, so I didn't pay much attention to Ron other than to greet him, and ask if he needed any assistance. He casually declined my help, and proceeded to browse around my store. Again, I wasn't paying much attention to him, I was busy putting away a warehouse truck that had arrived during the wee hours of the morning, listening to the endless tirade of love-sick songs on the muzak, and ready to get the hell out of that store. I did have to make a trip outside to inspect the parameter for wind-blown trash, and that's when I heard what sounded like a small dog yapping at me. I have a weak spot for dogs (being that I have two over-grown ones), and smiled when I saw a miniature schnauzer mix jumping around in a mini-van nearby trying to get my attention. It had to be the cutest little shit I'd seen in a long time. I cautiously approached the vehicle making gentle talk to the dog, when Ron came outside. I didn't notice him at first, until he went around to the driver's side of the mini-van. I apologized to him for being so close to his vehicle, and complimented on how cute his dog was. This opened way to a conversation that made history. He thanked me, told me it's a girl, and her name's Fox. I again complimented him on Fox's cuteness, and asked how old she was. He hesitated for a moment, lit a cigarette, closed the driver's door and came around to the passenger's side where I stood, and where Fox had gotten quiet and was standing with her front paws on the door, curiously observing what was going on.

He didn't say anything for a moment, just stood there puffing his cigarette, then extended his hand to me "Ron Carter". This was odd. How did we go from him answering my question on the dog's age to formal introductions. And he didn't just give me his name, he gave me first and last, as if I cared. How odd. I smiled my infamous smile, shook his hand and said "R". "Pleased to meet you, R. Do you have a lastname?" I giggled at his forwardness. Uhm, no, I don't. Not one to give to you, Dude. "I do, but how did we go from me asking about your dog to you asking my lastname?" "I'm sorry. You're right. She's about 3 or so. Not quite sure. Got her from my ex mother-in-law as a gift not long ago." So, with the word "ex" I assumed he's single. Still not interested. But, I did have time for a bit of small talk. I was curious about this cute dog, and this may be a new friend for my girls to play with. I told Ron my lastname, and we began a conversation that led to him letting Fox out of the van, and me playing with her for a bit. After a few minutes, It dawned on me that I had to get back inside of the store to finish working. I told him it was a pleasure meeting him, then he asked what time I got off. Why is this man so nosey? "I get off in 3 hours." "Well, R, pardon my forwardness..." okay, he's not really smooth..."but are you married?" "No, I"m not." "Engaged? Seeing anyone?" Oh, my. I see where this is leading. "No to both." "Well, Miss R, if you don't have any plans when you get off in 3 hours, it would be an honor to take you to breakfast." Okay, R, think quick. He's not your usual, but you see where your usual has gotten you, so maybe there's more to this Ron guy than physicalities. "I'd like that." "Great. Do you have a phone number where I can reach you in 3 hours?" He's funny. The emphasis on the 3 hours I had remaining at work was showing that he might actually be serious about breakfast. I gave him my phone number where he instantly plugged it into his cell phone, and dialed my phone right then and there. I didn't realize what he was doing (my phone wasn't on me) until I heard "Hello, R. This is Ron Carter, the guy you met this morning at your job. I was just leaving you a message and putting my number in your phone. I hope to see you in 3 hours for breakfast. Well, more like 2 hours and 55 minutes. Bye" and then he hung up. Okay, this guy is really weird. He just called my cell phone and left a message while I'm standing right in front of him. I laughed it off, told him I'd see him soon, and went back inside. I didn't really think much of it, figuring he may have gone home, gone to sleep, and would call me with some excuse later that day. It didn't matter. My wall was up, and I didn't have room for any intruders at that point.

On the dot time that I was clocking out, my phone rang. I looked at the number, vaguely remembering the prefix of Ron's cell number (he's from Missouri, and yet has a Missouri phone number), and answered rather surprised.

Me: Hello?
Ron: R! Good morning! Are you off work now?
Me: (laughing and walking out of the building) Yes, I am
Ron: Good! I hope you remember our breakfast date?
Me: I remember you asked me to breakfast. I don't know if I remember so much of a date, though
Ron: Tomato, Tomoto
Me: Alrighty, then. Uhm, so where would you like to meet?
Ron: Well, the options are, I can pick you up at your job and we can ride together, or, I can swing by and pick you up and we can ride together
(Okay, this guy has lost his damned mind if he thinks I'm going to get in a car with him and I'd had all of 15 minutes of knowing him)
Me: Uhm, how about the options are I can meet you at the restaurant you tell me, or I can just meet you at a restaurant?
Ron: (laughs) Fair enough. There's a Denny's down the street from your job. Will that be okay?
Me: Sounds fine. How long?
Ron: I'm on my way now, so we will probably pull up at the same time
Me: Okay, then. I'm heading there now

Why was I creeped out, but yet going through with this breakfast meeting? Hell, I didn't have shit else to do, and I hadn't had a good breakfast in a while, so why not. If worst came to worst, all I had to do was walk out of the restaurant and go home. We pulled into the parkinglot at just about the same time, and he parked right next to me with a giant smile on his face. It's too damned early in the morning, and for me, too damned late to be so fucking chirpy. Yeah, this guy is really creeping me out. Oh, well. Nothing to lose with a quick breakfast, and then home to rest for work that night. I saw Ron's chivalrous side rather quickly. When he got out of his van, he rushed over to my vehicle to open my door for me. Okay, now, what is this? I'm used to guys opening doors for me, but the vehicle door is new. Hm. Okay, well, he's had good training. I thanked him, got out of my ride, and walked towards the restaurant door. He jogged just a bit ahead of me to make sure he got there to open it for me, and again to open the second door for me. I smiled and thanked him both times. Impressive. After we were seated (he let me choose table or booth, I chose booth), we studied the menus, and made small talk in the process. I found out he's a coffee drinker just as I am. Great, besides being a dog lover, we have more common ground. We placed our orders (he let me order first...another impressive move), and sat making more talk, only the conversation merged from small to flowing. At this point, I was curious about alot of things. I had to ask, afterall, I had nothing to lose by questioning this man. I asked why he was up so early in the morning, about Fox as a gift, and why he had a Missouri phone number. I learned quite a bit in a short period of time. I found out he's a year younger than me, divorced with 3 (young) children, moved from Missouri to be closer to them when their mother moved to Oklahoma with her new husband, he's in construction and carpentry, he's enrolled in school to be a nurse....and the bonus...he's a deacon at his church. Church, eh? Hm. Well, I'll let the fact that he seems to easily be a pack-a-day smoker slide, because maybe giving up the nicotine hasn't been part of his conviction yet as being a deacon. I'm guessing he sensed my query on that and told me that he's been under alot of stress dealing with his kids lately and had taken up smoking as a stress relief. I'll bet. Judging from what he'd told me, I remember the days when I was on the same wave length...days that weren't so far gone.

Ron was doing a good job of showing me that aside from his looks, he had nothing in common with the Spencer Pratt that I'd been hearing and reading about in the media. Now I was wanting to know what he was doing up at the time of morning that he met me, and why he was so bright-eyed. He told me he hadn't been to sleep all night. He'd had an argument with a close female friend and it bothered him to the point where he couldn't sleep. Here we go with the female "friend" shit. He told me they had dated at some point (I figured as much), but remained close. He'd kinda lost me by that point. But the more he talked, the more he drew me into his conversation, so, I was rather fixed in my seat. That, plus the fact that I'd just pulled a 10 hour shift, and I was tired as hell. Our food came, we ate, we talked, and by the time we were done, he'd convinced me to ride with him to see one of the construction projects he'd recently completed.

Ron, to say the least, seemed like a good hearted person. Three kids was alot for me to consider anything, but then again, we were just having breakfast. It's not like he was asking me to date him or anything. Stop getting ahead of yourself, R. It was just a damned breakfast. I rode with him to the site, and before I knew it, we were all over the town, just riding, talking, and laughing. Several hours had passed, and I hadn't even noticed the time. I told him that I really needed to get home to get some rest for work that night, to which he reluctantly took me back to Denny's to get my SUV. What came next was not what I forsaw. "Thank you for joining me this morning, R. I've had a wonderful time." "Me, too. And thank you for breakfast." "My pleasure. R, I'd really like to see you again. Soon. Would it be possible for you to have breakfast again with me tomorrow morning?" Oh, shit. "Well, how about I get back with you on that? I'd hate to commit and then have a bad night at work and be too tired in the morning and have to cancel." "That sounds good enough. Thank you again, and I look forward to hearing from you soon." I gave him a hug, and went home.

I'd barely opened my eyes to get up for work that night when I heard my text alert going off.

"I remember some of the things you said you like, and if you agree to breakfast with me, I've got a surprise for you"

Damn. Why do I have to be a sucker for stuff like this? Am I that transparent to where a guy just sees how big I am on the "little" things? And why does my curiosity get the best of me? What the hell kind of surprise could he have for me?

"You're funny. Ok, Ron. I'll text you when I get off"

Something's telling me I'm about to open Pandora's box. 


Sunday, January 22, 2012

It Doesn't Matter...Someone's Gotta Go...

I need to mention that the day after Allen and I broke up, my company had called to let me know there was an opening at one of the stores in Omaha. Perfect timing. I told them that the transfer was no longer needed, and they advised me if the situation changed to just let them know. I would.

Days after my return from Nebraska at Allen's niece's baptism, things were getting just a little better for me. I'd stopped looking at my cell phone every 2 minutes, was enjoying spending time with Lawrence (I think I was starting to wear him out a little), and even though thoughts of Allen were frequent, I wasn't moping anymore. I still wondered what he was doing, how he was doing, and what was going on in his life. Eric, in all good intentions, had taken the liberty to let me know that, as I'd predicted, the vultures did come out on Allen's page. I'm guessing the intent was to intimidate me, and I'm guessing they were too stupid to realize I wouldn't be seeing them, because when they did realize I wasn't on his friend's list any longer, the posts and comments stopped (according to Eric). To my surprise, though, nobody had commented on his "single" status change. Eric said that one of his friends did check "like", but that was the extent of it. Hm. Maybe some of his friends actually did really like me. Oh well. None of my concern any longer.

Then my world took a tragic turn. My mother had an aneurysm, and emergency surgery was needed. To say I was frantic is mild. I rushed to Texas, driving as a total wreck. My first instinct was to call Allen. I knew he'd be at work, but maybe he'd call me back during his break. He and my mother got along really well, she adored him, and had re-added him to her Facebook page (after I got scolded for deleting him). My message on his voicemail was probably more inaudible than coherent, but he did respond with a text letting me know that he'd say a prayer for her and for me to be careful driving. I was a total mess, and of all the people for me to reach out to for comfort, Allen was the one I wanted. I needed him at that moment. Needed him more then than I'd probably ever need him in my life. Thankfully, my mother made it through the surgery and, though in critical condition, was given the green light on living. Allen text a few times that week to check on her status, but I needed more than just texts. I needed to hear his voice. I wanted that assurance and assuage that he had the power to give me. I didn't tell him that, but I'd hoped that when I'd asked him to call me, he'd get the hint and call. He never did. When I finally realized that I wouldn't be hearing his voice, the words that my cousin Coco had said flooded my head "Do you really think he'd be there for you if you did need him?" God, that stung. Why was everyone else always right about my life? When will the time come where a man will prove ME right, and everyone else wrong? I tried to look from the perspective that Allen was having a hard time at that time because it was around the time of his son's birthday. I could completely understand that. He refused to let me be there for him. That's on him. But now I needed him, and times like these don't happen very often to me, when I actually need someone. I'd tried my hardest during that relationship to brighten his life. He had the freedom to talk to me about anything and everything that he wanted, to completely open up to me about his son, his feelings, anything. He chose not to. Told me he wanted to deal with it on his own. I'm the exact opposite. I want someone that will let me open up to them, comfort me when I'm hurting, just BE there for me, to listen, to empathize. Wally, Daniel, Lawrence, my play-brother "Richard", a friend "Leroy", and various other friends came up to bat for me, but I wanted Allen. I needed Allen. When it finally sunk in that I wasn't going to get the response that I wanted out of him, my heart finally started to agree with my head, that it was "time to let him go".

My mother spent a little over a month in the hospital, touch-and-go several times, before they released her. I had spent that time realizing that life is too short to waste on little things. Enjoy it. Live it. If it throws lemons at you, fuck the lemonade, make lemon pie. For a time after that, I hated Allen. I cursed the day I met him, hated him for doing me like he did, hated him for not being there when I needed him, was pissed at myself for falling so strongly for him. I'd never gotten to a point so bad where I'd actually hated a man before, but I did. I hated him because I loved him, and obviously, I had never really loved before. This was something that I knew only time and God could heal. No other man would be able to walk into my life and fix this.

Three months passed. I was still hurting over Allen, but it was bearable, and not like daggers anymore. I was doing everything I could to get my head and heart back together, and had sworn off dating indefinitely. I'd had guys ask me out, but the very thought made me wretch, so I knew I wasn't ready. I hadn't reactivated my profile on any dating sites, and was content just sticking close to friends.

One night while I was at work, damned near in tears listening to Kelley Clarkson's song "Already Gone" (irony..probably Allen's thoughts through Kelley's words) on the muzak (I never understood why the most depressing and heartbreaking songs play when you least need to hear them, damn!), "Ron" walked in.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday

"You'll be okay, R. You've been through this time and again, and you always bounce back, with a vengeance. You're beautiful, you have a good head and heart, you're a successful business woman, you don't have any kids, you're independent and hold your own...what have you lost? Keep your head up, keep moving forward, and don't look back. You're a walking goldmine, R. There's a man out there that will come along and treasure/value you just as you do him. He's still out there...he's still out there. This was just another minor set back, but you'll be just fine. You always are."

These are the words that echoed in my head. My own personal pep-talk. The next day, I awoke thinking it was all a bad dream, the break-up didn't really happen, but reality set in when I looked at my phone, and no text from Allen. I took my time logging onto Facebook to change my status. I knew that I not only had to change my status back to single, but I'd also arrived at the conclusion that I had to delete any and everything on my page that would remind me of him until I healed. That included all of his family, and friends that I'd met through him. As I sat in front of the computer taking a census of people that I needed to delete, I decided that I couldn't just delete them without explanation. They'd personally done nothing wrong towards me, and I felt it only fair to at least let them know why they were being deleted from my page. I wasn't sure how many people he'd told of our relationship demise, nor what he told them, but I was going to keep it clean, and be brief with it. Those that I'd gotten the opportunity to know and them know me, would hopefully understand.

I composed 2 sets of letters. One to the "family" (I had alot of his relatives on my page, including Angel, who had sent me a friend request after the first time we met), and one to the "friends". In each letter I thanked them for loaning Allen to me for the time, and advised them that my deleting them was nothing personal, but something that I had to do in order to move on. I told them it was a very hard decision to make in doing this, but, in order to heal, I needed to be completely clear of anything that would hinder that process. I thanked them for allowing me to be a part of their lives as well. I told them to take care of him, and maybe we'd see each other around. I cried the whole time I was typing out the letters. I hesitated before I hit send, but knew I had to. Then I went through one by one, and deleted all 16 people. And there was one more thing I needed to do. I had to delete him. I knew as soon as his status changed, the vultures would come out with their comments, and there would be no mercy. I had no desire to see that, because I knew Jackie would be brutal...just a feeling I had about her. I pondered on his page starring at his picture for a while, and with a final click, he was deleted. I also had to go back and delete all of the pictures of him and me together from my page. To say that was hard would be an understatement. We looked so happy together in all of them. So, what went wrong? I may never know. I had to find a new profile picture, and be prepared to deal with the consequences of my status change.

I was surprised by all of the responses, reactions, and support I got from people on my friend's list, "be encouraged", "so sorry to hear this", "I'll keep you in my prayers that you'll be okay", "keep your head up", etc., etc. I was even more shocked by the inbox emails I received from a few of his friends, some thanking me for explaining and not just deleting them, some asking me not to delete them because, although they were sorry to hear about the break-up, they liked me and didn't want to disassociate with me. I cried even harder. Some of his family responded with encouraging emails, said they understood, and wished me the best. I wound up re-adding one of the friends, "Jenna", at her request, because even though I'd only met her once, I liked her. I didn't realize that Allen's status wouldn't change when mine did (it's not like I was used to doing this), so I sent him a simple text letting him know he needed to change his status, too. My mother was one of his friends, so I logged in under her account and deleted him from her page (without her knowledge or consent). I told my sister she could delete him, and told Eric the same. Eric was adamant that he was going to delete Allen from his friend's list, because after the way he treated me, he had no desire to deal with him anymore. Neither my sister nor Eric deleted him. Hm. Oh, well. It's their page's, and I have no say over them.

Okay, R. Time to put your thinking cap on. You need to heal, and you know you'll meet someone else soon enough, it never fails. Get your mind right, get your heart together, and let the chips fall where they may. In the mean time, Lawrence was still my rock. He'd started hinting on us establishing a relationship, and I'd actually started to open my mind to it. Here he is, young, handsome, in pursuit of a great career (he has a good full time job, and at the time, 2 years from a doctorate in psychology), he's a master in bed, independent, comes from a successful and very well-to-do family...what's there to lose? Damn, he's still 6 years younger than me. To some, that may not seem like an issue, but for me to be in my 30s and him in his 20s, that meant alot to me. How would things be when he was in his prime and I'm in my 40s? I'm not getting any younger, and what if he wants to have kids later on? There were so many things that I thought on that kept me from wanting to cross that line with him. Yes, I liked him..very much, but because of our age difference, in my mind, things wouldn't work for the long term. Plus, at that point, he'd have strictly been an emotional rebound, and he was too good to me for me to do that to him. Booty buddy, yes. Relationship, no. Things were fine like they were, and I wasn't going to change them.

I spent a whole week walking around my apartment in my pajamas (thankfully it was my off-work week). I didn't shower, didn't eat, didn't leave my house, blacked out my windows, barely answered my phone, and cried until my tear ducts completely dried out. I became a hermit, and a slave to depression. Why? That was all I wanted to know. What had happened for him to snap like he did and go from where we started to where we stood? If he wasn't ready for a relationship, then why did he pursue one with me? And why didn't he take the out I gave him not long after we got together when I told him that I'm clingy and have insecurities? He told me he could handle those and they didn't bother him, so why is he treating me like the enemy now? Did he EVER care about me? Was I just a passtime between women? Is this a pattern for him to do women like this? So many questions and thoughts raced through my mind. No answers. My family and friends were accepting and understanding at first, but I soon started getting on their nerves about it. I know I did, because they told me as much. I was asking them the questions that only Allen could answer, but he'd made no attempt to contact me and I damned sure wasn't going to contact him.

I was advised against attending his niece's baptism that was a few weeks away. I couldn't pull out like that, though. His sister-in-law had invited me before the break-up, and I wasn't going to not show up just because of Allen. If anything, I wanted him to see that I was okay, and was moving on, so I'd be alright.

Lilly was one of the people that I'd sent the "family" message to and deleted from Facebook. Sam was never on my friend's list, so imagine my surprise when I received a friend request from him a little over a week later. I cried when I saw his request, and wondered why he was sending one if he knew the circumstances. I sent him a message letting him know the only reasons that I knew for Allen's and my break-up (the whole incident with Jackie), and told him that I'd accept his request, but if he determined that he didn't want to be my friend after reading the message, he could delete me with no hard feelings. He messaged me back letting me know that he and Lilly didn't care what transpired with Allen and me. They liked me, and I'm always welcomed with them and at their house. He also said that Allen had his head too far up his ass, and he was going to buy him a see-through belly button so he could see where he was going. That was funny.

I don't think Allen was even phased by the break-up. Probably routine for him. Inspite of the emotional mess I was in, maybe we could be cordial with each other at his niece's baptism, at least I could be. I vowed that I wouldn't say anything to him if he didn't say anything to me, because I wouldn't be there for him, I'd be there for his niece. I'd thought my healing was well underway and I'd made some progress by the time of the baptism, but I didn't realize how hard an emotional relapse would be when I saw him.

The baptism fell on the weekend of the anniversary of his son's death the previous year. His family was feeling the affects, and his sister-in-law, "Tina", was regretting that she'd agreed to that weekend because she didn't think about the timing. When I arrived in Nebraska, I went to spend some time at "Rob" and Tina's house, just to talk to them, and to play with their daughter for a little while. Of course, the issue of Allen and me came up. I explained to them what had transpired about Jackie, all of her and Barbara's posts and comments on Allen's Facebook, the constant texts he was receiving, Jackie and her tatoo story, the 2 a.m. phone call, everything that I knew, I told them. They both seemed surprised, but I could tell they were being careful in their responses to me. Not like I expected them to tell me anything damning about their family member, but I knew they possibly knew more than I did. I didn't press the issue, just got it off my chest. Rob was encouraging, and told me he had no idea what was wrong with Allen. They asked me if I'd heard from him, I hadn't, and they seemed a bit surprised by that. What? Was he supposed to be contacting me or something?

After I left their house, I needed a drink. Allen had told me about a bar in the town when we were together, and since I was winging it alone, I decided to find it. I didn't take surveillance of vehicles when I arrived (Allen has personalized license plates), so when I walked into the bar and saw him sitting there drinking with 2 women flanked on either side of him (I didn't look long enough to see who they were..just a blond and a brunette) leaning into him, we locked eyes for a second, I turned and immediately walked out. Nice. I see it didn't take him long. I went back to my car, and sat there for a moment, feeling stupid. I'd hoped he might have come out to see why I'd left, but by the time I'd finished the cigarette I'd lit, I knew he didn't give a damn. There was another bar across the street from that one. I went to the corner store, bought me a 24oz Budlight Lime, and proceeded to the other club. I just needed to be around people to help my mood. I didn't know anyone there, the people were friendly enough, but I still felt out of place. This was Allen's turf and town, and I was an outsider trying to fit in. Never mind the fact that I was the only black person in the place. I didn't stay there long. Went back to the corner store, bought another 24oz beer (the cashier was amazed at how fast I'd drank the first one), and just began driving around. The stupidest thing to do, drinking and driving, because I was certainly buzzed. I went and parked back near the bar I'd left, needing to sober up before I tried driving back to the hotel, and a didn't realize I'd parked on private property. I'd reclined the seat, and was trying to let some of the beer effect wear off, when a police woman came tapping on my window asking if I was alright. I easily slid the beer can to the floor, did my best "sober girl" demeanor, and told her that I was just waiting for a friend to contact me to give me directions to their house because I wasn't from there. I'm sure she realized that when she saw my Oklahoma tags. She told me that I couldn't be parked there and needed to move. I thanked her, prayed to God that if He let me get out of that situation without it being discovered that I was drunk, I wouldn't do it again. She backed out, I started the car, and left the area. She followed me part way down the road before turning off.

I'd sobered up a bit after the police incident, and I wanted so bad to talk to Allen. I drove back around to the bar he'd been at, noticed his car was gone (the parkinglot was basically empty by then), and battled with myself on going by his house. I knew he'd still be awake, because he couldn't have been gone that long. I drove up and down his street a few times (his car was at his house) debating, before I finally thought better and headed back to my hotel. Hell, he saw me, so he knew I was in town. He made no effort to communicate with me, so why am I driving around like an idiot wasting my gas? Stupid me. It was almost 3 a.m. and the baptism time would be there soon, and I needed to get completely sober before that time. I didn't even undress when I got to the hotel, just crashed across the bed, shoes and all. When I awoke, I had an hour to get dressed and make it to the church.

I pulled into the church parkinglot at the same time that Lilly did. We exchanged pleasantries, and proceeded in together. I don't know why the strong sensation to cry came over me. I fought that feeling tooth and nail the entire time. I had on mascara that wasn't waterproof, so that wouldn't have made for a pretty picture. Alot of Allen's family was there, including one brother that I thought would burst into flames if he ever set foot in a church, but no Allen. I figured maybe he would come later, because it wasn't like him to miss a family function this important. He never showed. At one point, I excused myself to use the restroom that was in a separate building, and walked down the street to his house. His car was gone. That bastard. He couldn't attend his niece's baptism, but he's out and about this early in the morning? Okay. I walked back to the church and waited for the baptism to begin. After the service, His brother-in-law, "Keith" asked me "So, you still live in Colorado?" WHAT THE FUCK?!?! He did NOT just confuse me with Barbara! I knew instantly that she'd been around some time recently. "I still live in Oklahoma, Keith. I'm not Barbara." Keith knew me from Thanksgiving and Christmas, so why the hell did he just confuse me with Barbara? That was an insult. A complete, unequivocal insult, and I tried not to let my anger flair at it. Too many differences between Barbara and me: 1) she's white, 2) she's not cute AT all (really, I questioned my own looks after seeing some of the women Allen used to date), and 3) I'm not bad-built like her! One of Allen's sisters-in-law started laughing and told him "insert foot in mouth".

We left the church and went to Rob and Tina's house for the post-service reception, where more family and friends arrived. Allen still never showed. I did my best to keep a happy face, and found myself explaining what I knew of our break-up to everyone in the house. They were all curious as to what had happened, because it was a shock to them as well. Half of them had no idea who Jackie even was. That let me know that Allen didn't talk to his family like I thought he did. I asked his mother if I was the reason why Allen wasn't attending the festivities. She gave me a hug, and told me don't even worry about it. If I live my life worried about other people and not myself, I'd be an unhappy person. She didn't answer my question, but her avoidance of it let me know. I gave her a vampire novel book that I'd wanted Allen to have and asked her to give it to him for me. I hoped that he'd at least text me to thank me. Nothing.

Before I got on the road, I thanked his family for being so good to me, and yet remaining so accepting of me, to which they all responded how much they liked me. I was glad to hear that, but it did no good for them to like me if Allen wouldn't even speak to me. I knew I had to break away from them, because when Allen started bringing other women around, there'd be no place for me anymore.

On my way out of town, I had one more stop to make. I remembered where the graveyard is that Allen's son is buried (he'd taken me with him one time to visit) at, and he and I needed to have a little talk. I found his site (right next to Allen's grandfather that passed right after Thanksgiving), knelt in front of it, and spilled my heart to him.

"Hey, there, 'Francis'. You and I never got the opportunity to meet, and I really hate that. I've heard so many wonderful things about you. From what your dad's told me about you, we'd have gotten along great, because we had alot of things in common, liked alot of the same music, and other things that tell me we'd have liked each other very much. You are truly missed. I know your mom, your dad, and Angel love you and miss you more than anyone could ever imagine. Your dad is hurting more than anything else in this world could ever hurt him. He's confused, and going through a very tough time right now. And because I love him, I feel like you not being here is a part of me missing, too. This will probably be my last time ever coming here, so I want you to do me a favor, please? Your dad asked you to watch over my nephew as he's growing up, but I need you to put in a special request to Jesus on your family's behalf. Tell Him they need Him now more than ever. Please be and stay with them. Comfort your mom, your dad, and Angel. They miss you so much, Francis. I hope to see you on the other side."

It was cold outside, but there was no wind. As I got off of my knees, the little pinwheel that was on his grave began to spin. To this day, I'll never know what that was, but I felt contentment. I headed home to Oklahoma, ready to begin my life a fresh.


Friday, January 20, 2012

Never Mind, I'll Find Someone Like You...

Valentine's Day couldn't arrive soon enough. My anticipations, hopes, aspirations were high, and I was ready to not only open myself up completely to Allen, but ready for us to go into the abyss. He was doing just as Coco had said, and was playing the "good boyfriend" after my trip. He was calling me regularly again, he was texting reguarly again. I thought maybe he'd come to realize what he had with me really wasn't worth throwing away. I was thoroughly enjoying the attention from him again. My previous thoughts of us having a prosperous life together came rushing back. Being that his daughter would be graduating in a few short months and going to the military, he wouldn't be paying child support anymore, so he wouldn't have to kill himself working as hard, and we could enjoy the summer traveling, I'd even already spoken with a travel agent and started saving money to surprise him with a cruise for his next birthday.

I figured that it was time to take the plunge of moving closer to him, which meant getting a transfer with my job to the closest location to him. I'd spoken with my family about it (I'd be moving further from them), and they were for it, as long as that was what made me happy. When I proposed my moving to Allen, he told me that he it would be nice to have me closer, but he didn't want me to move because of him, if I moved, he wanted me to be doing it because it was something that I wanted to do. It was. I wanted to move because I was happy with him, and would be even happier being able to see him more that twice a month. Maybe our relationship would stand a fighting chance and the distance wouldn't be a factor any longer. I immediately contacted the powers-that-be in my company to request a transfer to Omaha or Lincoln (they're about the same distance from his town), and they stated they would communicate with me which city had openings and when my transfer was approved.

The week before Valentine's Day, my emotions were in overdrive. In just a few short days, I'd be in his arms, and that was all that mattered. Four days before V-Day, he'd advised me that the school his son used to attend was having wrestling championships (his son was into multiple sports) in Omaha that he and his daughter were attending. Inspite of wanting to share that with him, I didn't say anything about going up there to go with them, because I was yet giving him his space to mourn. I did tell him that I wanted to come up the day before to spend time with him before they went, and at first he was okay with it, then suddenly, he wasn't okay with it, and began using the excuse of having to work that night. Okay, you work every night, so what makes the night in question any different? I didn't argue with him on it, but I was highly disappointed in his change of mood. His sister-in-law had had her baby, and I wanted to see them, too, but it wouldn't be the same if I wasn't going to be able to spend time with Allen while I was there. I set my mind that I was going anyway, and because I'd established a bond with his family, if he didn't want to spend time with me, that was fine, his new niece would be perfect. I wasn't expecting Mother Nature to rear her ugly head at just that moment, and she took a toll on my body far worse than she had in a long time. I wound up cancelling my trip plans, prayed she'd be gone before V-Day, and continued to look forward to our first "romantic" holiday together. I'd always hated cupid, and had put a bounty out on his head, so this year, I was hoping to bid him a pardon and let him live.

The day before Valentine's Day, I was super stoked. I'd gotten off of work, and was preparing to hit the highway. I damned sure wasn't expecting things to take a nose dive like they did.

Allen: Uhm, R, about tomorrow. Look, I'm not in the best of moods right now. I'm depressed because I miss my son, and I don't think it would be a good idea for you to come up here with the way I'm feeling. You wouldn't enjoy yourself
Me: (long silence): Okay. Uhm, we've been planning this for a little while now. Maybe if I come that will change your mood. We can celebrate you winning the gym contest, and things will be better if I'm there
Allen: No, R. I just really don't think you should come. You can come if you want to, but like I said, I'm not in the mood, so I'd hate for you to make the trip for nothing

I knew what that meant. I could come if I wanted to, but since he "wasn't in the mood", that meant my odds of seeing him would be slim to none, and it would be a wasted trip. Now what the fuck am I gonna do? I'd gone and spent all that damned money on toys and lingerie and body oils...everything that I'd never done before...and here he is cancelling the "lover's holiday" on me. Not to mention, I'd bought wasted money on him a few gadgets and gizmos as well. To say depression set in would be an understatement.

On Valentine's Day, I was lamenting on Facebook. Minding what I wrote on there, I didn't say anything that could be misinterpreted (I'd had Wally read it to make sure), and commented on a few of my friend's status' that were spending the day solo as well. One particular friend, "Rich", had mentioned feeling the same way about cupid that I did. I'd met Rich on a dating site a year prior. He was an attractive guy, so I viewed his profile. The honesty and forwardness of his profile is what lead us to being friends. He stated that he'd contracted an uncurable STD a few years prior, and he didn't want to waste his time nor any woman's time by not letting it be known from the beginning. Any woman that couldn't deal with that, he understood, and there would be no hard feelings. I was moved by that and sent him a message letting him know that I felt for his situation, was sorry to hear about it, and I'd like to be his friend just because of his straightforwardness. He responded graciously, and we became Facebook friends. We'd never met in person, but we communicated through each other's status'. When he saw my comment on his status, he inboxed me asking me about going to spend the day with my boyfriend (one of my previous status' mentioned that). I told him about plans falling through, he felt bad for me, and invited me to karaoke that night at a bar. Shit, I had nothing else to do, so of course I took him up on it. I felt like I might have been a third wheel, because he'd be meeting a girl that he was interested in, but he assured me that he'd prefer me be there anyway, just in case she didn't work out.

All I got for Valentine's Day from Allen was a "Happy Valentine's Day" text. What the fuck?! No card? No nothing? A simple fucking text??? FUCK HIM was all I could think, even though my heart was broken. I was determined to make the best of the day, so I went to the karaoke bar looking as cute as I could, considering my mood. Rich and I had a fantastic time, although Rich told me later on that the more I drank, the more I talked about Allen. The girl he was supposed to meet didn't show, but we wound up having fun with some other friends of his that were regulars at the bar. He even bought me a rose telling me "no beautiful woman should be without a beautiful flower on this day". A fucking stranger had more regard for me on this day than my own damned boyfriend did. This is a problem. It took that instance for me to realize that it was time for me to start emotionally distancing myself from Allen. I posted on Facebook that next morning how much I enjoyed my Valentine's Day drinking and doing karaoke. Rich commented about how well I did singing, and one of Allen's brothers posted a funny comment pertaining to that. I hadn't heard anything from Allen since his "happy Valentine's Day" text.

I called him later that day, and asked what he'd done. He said he spent the night at the bar with his ex-wife and some friends. Okay, yeah, sure. I was buying that shit. First of all, if you were with your ex-wife, you were so fucking depressed that you could spend the day with a woman you can't stand, and if you were THAT damned depressed, how were you out with friends? Something told me that there was another female in on that, and I had my guesses as to who it was. But I had no way of knowing for sure, so I didn't even tread those waters. Needless to say, though, communication between Allen and I was super strained for that week. Not on my part, but on his.

That following week, I sent my usual text one morning to Allen wishing him a happy day. He sent back a "thank you, R", but what threw me was his change of wording. Keep in mind, Allen called me his Platinum Princess, or some other term of endearment. When he replied to that text, he simply called me "R". Yep, his routine has changed. This relationship is over. My head was resounding that notion, but my stupid heart was still trying to put up a fight on it. That shit pissed me off. When I text to ask why the change of wording, he simply replied that it's a sign of respect. BULLSHIT. And I call it a million times over. I was outdone. I didn't text him anymore that day, and tried to see how long it would be before he contacted me of his own accord. I waited, and waited. Days passed. A few days later I sent him a text about a comment one of his co-worker's wives had posted on my status (I'd met them, and we were Facebook friends). No response. More days passed. Nothing. My next off day, I raced home to change clothes and head to Nebraska. He wasn't going to pull this shit on me AGAIN. I text him that morning to ask if he was okay. Surprisingly, he responded "no". Ah, at least he's responding now. Then he sent a text saying "we need to talk". Yes we did, and I told him as such. I'm sure he had an idea that I was coming up there, if he hadn't picked up on what I was capable of, then he was never paying attention to me.

When I arrived that evening, I drove to his job at the pizza place. He was there, but didn't seem surprised to see me. He did guess that I might show up. Between his deliveries, we were able to talk.

Me: It seems that you've completely distanced yourself from me. Do you realize it's been 50 days since we've had sex? 50 days! Do you know how my hormones are flipping out right now?
Allen: Yeah, R. I'm just going through too much right now. It's not you, it's me. I questioned if I'm ready for a relationship, and I don't think I am. I don't know if I ever will be. That's why I'm hesitant to call a woman my girlfriend because everything will be going fine for a few months, and then I just pull away
Me: Yeah, you've definitely done that with me. Look, I can't keep walking on eggshells, having Wally police my Facebook posts and stuff. I've tried to give you space, yet it seems the more space I give you, the more you take. I can't keep doing this. I seem to be the only one you're distancing from, cause I know it's not everyone else, it's just me
Allen: I know. You're right. R, I've got too much on my plate. Working 3 jobs, dealing with my son's death, and I'm just not ready to give up my freedom, and I can't be everything that you want me to be
Me: What? Have I ever asked you to give up any freedom for me? Huh? Have I ever asked you to give up ANYTHING for me?
Allen: No, but I'm just not ready to be in a relationship. Look, I have to do what's best for me
Me: We all do. Look, everything that I've told you that you are, every positive adjective I've used to describe you, I said because I meant it. That's who you are. You just need to realize it for yourself. Do you want to change the Facebook status, or wait for me to do it?
Allen: I'll wait and let you do it first

I could've sworn I saw a tear in his eye, but maybe that was just my imagination because that's what I wanted to see. Some emotion about me. I'd told him that I was heading to Omaha to look for a place to live (I was..just waiting for the finality of transfer from my company), but I guessed there would be no need for that now. He asked for a hug, I gave him one. That was the first time he'd hugged me like he was sincere about it in a long time. I left Nebraska. Broken. Depressed. Angry.

Now, I needed something to pick me up.

Lawrence: Hello?
Me: Hey, you. How's it going?
Lawrence: (hestitation) I'm fine. Uhm, who is this?
Me: Dang, you don't hear from me for a while, and now you don't know who I am? Wow. This is R
Lawrence: Oh, hey, girl! I didn't think I'd ever hear from you again. I thought you'd be married by now or some shit (laughs)
Me: (laughing) No. You're not married, though, huh?
Lawrence: Nope. What's up?

Me: Ah, just wondering if you may want to hang out for a bit tonight
Lawrence: Hell, yeah. You coming over?
Me: I'm on my way back into town. Had to go out of state to handle some business, but I can come right over as soon as I'm in
Lawrence: Shit, come on. I'll be here

I may have been in a 50 day drought, but i wasn't going 51 days. Fuck Allen, fuck that whole "relationship", fuck it all. One thing is I could always depend on Lawrence to put me in a good mood, even if it was only temporarily. Everything that I'd bought in anticipation of Valentine's Day wasn't going to waste.

I still had to deal with the matter of getting past Allen. I'd deal with that the next day.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Love Can Make You Do Some Crazy Things

Eric: You're WHERE? R, what are you doing? Why are you wasting your gas and your time chasing down an asshole that didn't even have the decency to CALL you to break up? What are you, stupid? Didn't you just get off of work and don't you have to work tonight?
Me: I know, but, Eric, I love this man. I'm not willing to just let it go like that. If he wants to end it, I at least want him to look into my eyes and tell me that
Eric: So you're going to make a 6 1/2 hour drive just for this chickenshit of a man to tell you in person that he doesn't want you anymore? Come on, R! You're not that desperate for a man. You've got too many guys chasing after you for you to still be dealing with his bum ass. He obviously doesn't give a shit about you, yet you're putting the miles on your SUV and spending money on gas, not to mention you're wasting sleep time. You're crazy
Me: I know what it looks like. Maybe I am crazy. Eric, if you'd ever been in love before, you'd understand. I don't expect you to, but just know that I'm doing what I have to do to make things right for me
Eric: Whatever. If doing stupid shit like this is part of being in love, then I don't want anything to do with it. I mean really, R. Think about it. I told you a long time ago to leave the asshole alone. He doesn't give a shit about you OR your feelings otherwise he'd at least called you. He sent you a damned text. A TEXT, R. You hadn't heard from him in a couple days, and his first contact with you is to break up with you by a TEXT. All the guys that want your time, yet you're wasting it on this asshole. What's wrong with you?
Me: Hey, my mom's calling on the other line. I'll call you back
Eric: Yeah. Whatever. Maybe she can help you see that you're being dumb
(clicks over)
Me: Good morning, Mommy
My Mom: Good morning, Baby. How was work lastnight?
Me: Work was fine
My Mom: Good. How are you this morning?
(dead air)
My Mom: R? You there?
Me: Yeah, I'm here.
My Mom: Is something wrong with your phone?
Me: No. I'm.....I'm not doing so well this morning
My Mom: What's wrong, Baby?
Me: Allen just sent me a text saying he's breaking up with me
My Mom: Wow. A text?
Me: Yeah
My Mom: Well, R, have you responded to it and asked him why?
Me: Yeah, I've been texting him. Tried to call him, too, but he didn't answer 
My Mom: What did he say? What's the reason?
Me: He misunderstood a post I put on Facebook about not being promoted. I said "why do I feel like the exception wishing I was the rule?" and he says he can't live up to my expectations
My Mom: What expectations? And, did you explain the misunderstanding to him?
Me: I have no idea what expectations he's talking about, and yes, I've tried explaining the misunderstanding
My Mom: Well, what did he say about that?
Me: Nothing pertinent
My Mom: Well, honey, just get some rest and maybe you guys can talk later after he's had a chance to let it soak in that he misunderstood what your post was about
Me: I can't wait that long. I'm on my way to Nebraska now
My Mom: (pauses for a moment) How far are you?
Me: In Kansas
My Mom: Well, I already know I won't be able to convince you to turn around and head home, so just be careful, Baby. If he doesn't want to talk when you get there, don't try to force him. Just get back in your car and go home. Does he know you're coming?
Me: Nope. I'm gonna catch him when he's getting off work. I should be there in time
My Mom: Like I said, just be careful. I love you, and text me to let me know you're alright
Me: I will, Mommy. I love you too, and I'll talk to you later

I was feverishly texting Allen, trying to make some sense of this whole matter. My head was swimming, and my adrenaline was rushing. Luckily, he was at least responding, but I wasn't getting to the heart of why he was acting like this. I asked him in one text "where did we go wrong? What happened to our communication?", and he simply responded "I don't know". During our text exchanges, Wally called (our ritual every morning)

Wally: What's up, Punk?
Me: Hey, Buckethead
Wally: What are you doing, cause it doesn't sound like you're in bed already
Me: If I told you, you wouldn't believe me
Wally: Oh, shit. Try me. I've learned to believe anything when it comes to you
Me: Allen broke up with me by text this morning, and I'm on my way to Nebraska because he won't answer his phone
Wally: (pauses for a moment) Where are you?
Me: Kansas. About another 3 hours from him
Wally: Well, be careful. Did he at least say why?
Me: Did you see my status the other day about feeling like the exception wishing I was the rule?
Wally: Yeah. I saw Eric's comment on it, too. I thought you were talking about that promotion you got passed over for cause we'd just got off the phone talking about it when you post. He must've seen it too and seen Eric's response and thought you were talking about him
Me: See, exactly. You knew that, and that's the excuse he's using as to why
Wally: Damn. Did he even ask you about it?
Me: Nope. I told you I hadn't talked to him since I left last weekend
Wally: And Dude just broke up with you by text?
Me: Yep. I tried to call him, and he won't answer his phone. He's at work, but obviously had enough time to send the text
Wally: I already know you won't turn around and go home, so just be careful. Man, R. I try not to tell you too much, because you don't listen, and I told you a long time ago to let him go, because I saw heartbreak for you, but just be prepared for whatever happens. I know you're hoping he'll talk to you, but if you don't get the answers you want, just accept what you do, and get on with your life. I want you to know you're better than this, R.
Me: Better than what?
Wally: Doing what you're doing. He's not worth it. He didn't think you were worth at least a phone call, but you just got off work and have to work tonight. You're sacrificing your sleep, and risking anything happening to you if you get tired
Me: I know, Wally. But, you've been in love before, so you understand why I'm doing what I feel I need to do
Wally: I know. That's why I just told you to be careful. Text me when you make it there, and let me know when you get back on the road. Does he know you're coming?
Me: I will, and no. I want to surprise him
Wally: Not a good move. You should at least let him know when you get there. Men don't like to be caught off guard like that, and you don't want him to trip out over you surprising him. That's like backing a cat into a corner 
Me: He's not answering his phone
Wally: Send him a text

What's normally a 6 1/2 hour drive turned into a 5 1/2 hour drive for me. I did 80-85 mph the entire way. When I arrived in his town, he was still over an hour from getting off work. I went to the Dollar General, bought a drink, and parked in his job's parking lot....right next to his car. About 15 minutes before he was scheduled to get off, I sent him a text that said "just letting you know I'm in town so you won't be caught off guard".

He was one of the last ones to walk out of his building. When he saw me, he still looked surprised, but I was smiling, and puffing on a cigarette. I should probably mention that I used to have a tendency to buy a pack anytime my nerves would be on edge, smoke a few, and toss the rest for going stale. I did alot of smoking during our relationship, and never a stale cigarette did I see. Hindsight, maybe that should have been a clue. Thank goodness I've found other avenues for stress relief (nothing tobacco, drug, or alcohol related) now, because those cigarettes were kicking my butt, in cost, and in coughing.

Me: I sent you a text letting you know I was here
Allen: I was busy trying to get out of there
Me: Look, I'm not gonna keep you. I just couldn't believe that I hadn't heard from you in days, and the first time I do, you're breaking up with me
Allen: R, I was sick. That's why you didn't hear from me. And I can't live up to your expectations. It's too much for me, and your standards are too high
Me: What standards? What expectations? What are you talking about?
Allen: The post on Facebook. I know I haven't been giving you the time you want, but I've got alot that I'm dealing with. When I saw that, I read it a few times, then I saw Eric's post, and I saw the text you sent to me instead of your cousin about your mom not wanting you to run me off. All of it. I just can't live up to it. I'm not that man. It's too much pressure for me
Me: I explained to you about the Facebook post. I hadn't talked to you to tell you about the job, so of course you were in the dark about that. Eric hadn't been told about me getting passed over for it, so he thought I was talking about you. And what was so damaging because my mom doesn't want me to run you off? I've told you about some of the guys I've dealt with in my past, and she knows how I am because of it. That's exactly what I've been trying NOT to do with you. I've even been trying to be the exact opposite of the women you've dealt with before. Eric, look, I'm apologizing again about asking you about Jackie. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. I trust you, that's why I always just say "ok" when I ask you about something and you respond. I have to take your word for it that you don't want those women. And I know you don't because if you did, you'd be with them. But you're not. You're with me. Allen, are you really willing to give up everything that we've established and everything we've talked about having together? Do you really just want to let all of that go to waste? I'm not, because I hadn't known happiness in a long time, and then I met you and everything was right. 
Allen: (looking at the ground) R, that's just alot of pressure. Put yourself in my shoes for reading your post on Facebook. How would you feel?
Me: You want me to delete that post? I'll do it right now. Allen, I'm sorry. Look, I've never tried to put any pressure on you for anything because I know you're dealing with alot. Your son, working alot...everything. I don't know how my Facebook posts look to you, but I'll start running them by you before I post them so I don't have to worry about you being offended by them
Allen: R, you don't have to do that. And there've been a few other's that I've questioned, too
Me: But I will. Or I'll have Wally read them, and if he says there's something that can be misconstrued, I'll remove it. I just don't want us to be apart. Especially over something that's in my control. Babe, do you REALLY just want to let me walk away like this? If you do, I'll go, and you won't hear anything else out of me
Allen: No, R. That's not what I want
Me: Then can we start over? Can we go back to our happy times and move forward?
Allen: Yes. We can

Even though there was loads of hesitation on his part, I was just happy that he reneged on the break up. I'd gotten out of my car, and gave him a huge hug.

Me: And just so you know, I know Barbara's coming up this weekend. I saw where "Tabitha" (a mutual friend on Facebook) posted and she commented on Tabitha's page that she'd be here
Allen: This has nothing to do with Barbara
Me: I know. It has everything to do with you and me. Go out with them and have fun
Allen: I've gotta go. I have to be at the other job in a little bit
Me: Yeah, I know. I've gotta get back on the road and get to work for tonight myself

We'd only spent maybe 20 minutes together, and gotten what I wanted. Inspite of this, my mind still told me that things weren't right. I was more uneasy than I had been before, but I was happy that I could still call him my boyfriend. I got back on the highway heading to Oklahoma, deleted the post about feeling like the exception, and updated my Facebook status to say "THE...BEST...BOYFRIEND.......EVER!!!" I wonder what he thought when he saw that.

I made my calls to my mom and Wally to let them know what had transpired. They were both surprised by his reaction, and were happy that I was happy. I wasn't expecting the rain on my parade when my cousin "Coco" called me.

Coco: You're where? You did WHAT?
Me: Coco, I had to. I couldn't just let things go down like that
Coco: R, the man doesn't love you, he doesn't give a shit about you. Any man that can't show the decency to at least call you isn't worth it. Oh my God. My cousin! Girl, I love you, but sometimes I wonder how I even deal with you. Something is very wrong with you mentally
Me: I know, girl. Call me insane. Yes, he may have showed that he doesn't love me, but I love him
Coco: So why do you want to go out of your way to prove a love that you know he's not gonna show in return? Think about it, R. What is this man doing for you that's so irreplaceable? He's not paying any of your bills, hell, he ain't even around to dick you down all the time. I could see if he was doing something for you in some big way and you'd be losing that, but what the fuck is he doing besides buying you a couple of presents, coming to see you every so often, and sending you cards? Shit, he don't even do THAT anymore. Do you really think he'd have driven his sorry ass to Oklahoma if you'd broke up with him? Come on, girl. Where is your mind?
Me: (laughing) I know. No, he doesn't pay my bills or anything, but you don't understand how I feel when we're together. He takes care of me then, C. He makes me feel good about myself
Coco: Okay, R, think about what you're saying. How the hell is you driving your ass all the way to Nebraska for clarification because he's too big of an asshole making you feel good about yourself? Do you really feel better now? I mean, really. Do YOU feel BETTER now?
Me: (quietly) No, not really
Coco: Exactly, then. Damage is already done, and I wish you'd have called me before you got your ass on the highway
Me: You know that wouldn't have stopped me
Coco: That's true. I forgot who I'm dealing with. But, still, R, you deserve so much better than what you've gotten and what you're getting. Cousin, I love you, and I want you to be happy. Yes, I go through my thing with "Carlton", but, at least I can say that he takes care of me and my kids, and he's there for me when I need him
Me: I hadn't really needed Allen
Coco: And after this shit, do you think he'd be there for you if you did? I can't believe he broke up with you by TEXT, and using the excuse of a Facebook post. What an asshole. Cousin, you know it's more than that, huh? I hope you're not so gullible that you think that post was the real reason?
Me: Yeah, I know that was just an excuse. He's been looking for a reason for a while, but I always block his excuses
Coco: He'll find something else. Trust. You think Jackie and Barbara are coincidence? He'll probably play the "good boyfriend" role for a hot second, but he'll find another excuse to break up with you again. Watch and see. I hate to say this to you, but you're my cousin, and I love you, so Imma keep it real with you
Me: I know, cousin. I love you, too, and thank you. I just hadn't felt this way about a man to this degree
Coco: And God knows I can't wait until one that will appreciate you comes along so your feelings won't be in vain. Shit, I gotta get off this phone with you. (laughing) You done gave me a headache. Let me know when you make it home, ok? Be Careful
Me: (laughing again) Okay, girl. I will

As much as I hated to admit it, everything Coco said was right. What would I be losing with him? I tried to think of exactly that. Other than the things she'd said, that he didn't even do anymore, nothing. I was blank. I felt stupid because I couldn't even put up an arguement with her about it. I called Eric back to let him know what had happened in Nebraska. He called it all "bullshit", and said I needed to dump Allen and move on with my life. I got the whole lecture, again, about how I'm better than that, how I deserve better than that, how I won't give these other guys a chance but I'm running behind a loser, and more talk about how big of an asshole Allen is. Deep in the back of my mind, I knew they were all right, but this battle between my head and heart was waging in a furious war. Wonder which one will win.

I made it home just in time to drive straight to my job and get back on the clock. I hadn't slept, hadn't showered, hadn't eaten, nothing. At the time it was worth it to sacrifice those things to have my Allen back, even if it was just part of him. The Valentine's Day countdown was on, and I was determined to make this right.